Insomnia

I just declined to participate in the sixth grade all county, so that makes me feel better.

I am so anxious about the after school glee club. I just don't know what to do. What I REALLY want to do is cancel it. Just like I did to the 8th grade trip. Which was the best decision I have made all year. But I feel so bad about disappointing those kids. They were so looking forward to it. I was too! But I really think what I need to do for my own sanity is cancel it. If I didn't have all-county to worry about I would go ahead with it. But I am about to the point where I am going to cancel it. Even two days a week is too much. Is it a bad time to decide this? So far from home? I am going to cancel it. The first week of school. I am just going to have Mr. Royster say "Due to unforseen circumstances Mrs. Bailey has to cancel Glee Club for the remainder of the school year." Those circumstances are severe anxiety and sleeplessness that accompany pregnancy. I just need to be at home so I can take care of myself, my baby, and my husband. There. I think I have decided. But just when I have decided I feel so bad about it! Ugh. It is a loose, loose situation.

Emotional

You know, if there is one thing about being pregnant it is that I feel really emotional these days. Things just upset me more than they used to.

I have had the worst break. It started off badly. I got sick. Then, on my way up to Snowflake I got stuck in Globe because of bad weather. Then Mark got really sick and I had to take care of him.

Christmas day was nice. It was really peaceful and restful. The only thing I didn't like was that I probably had too much candy. There have been nice moments, but I just keep thinking about school and work. I don't know why I can't seem to put it all behind me.

I have been really aggravated this break for the most part. Being with my in-laws most of the time has been incredibly stressful. I wish we were not staying for so long and I am so thankful I will have one day in Winston and then a teacher work-day before I have to go back to work. In some ways I am looking forward to work as a break from my holiday! I just wish this holiday felt more restful. I got in a huge fight with Mark today. I am so frustrated with how he always acts when we are in Snowflake. It is like he reverts back to his old self, his boyhood self, and puts me second instead of first. I know his logic is something like "Well, I see Amanda all the time and I hardly ever see my family so I am going to make the most of this time with my family." But he doesn't really include me in that time. It is very frustrating and he doesn't understand where my frustration comes from. I guess I was just expecting it to be different this year and it hasn't been. Plus I am really emotional and needy because I am pregnant. But I am looking forward to going back to North Carolina and getting back into a routine. Two weeks is not long enough of a break for the break I have had. It just has not been restful. I need to try and change my mind in the next few days or it is going to be on hell of a semester before I go out for maternity leave.

I have not felt like myself. I have not felt happy. I have not felt peaceful. I have not felt relaxed. I am spending the night away from Mark. That is how upset I am. He is staying at his house and I am staying at mine. Mature right? I asked him if he wanted to stay here with me and he said "I'll think about it and call you later okay?" NO! Of COURSE it isn't okay! He should not need to think about whether or not he is going to spend the night with his wife or with his family. I was furious. I told him not to bother and I will just see him tomorrow sometime. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

I am really worried and anxious about the following things:

• Getting lesson plans ready for my maternity leave
• Not feeling rested before school starts again

I guess that is pretty much all. I have only six more days before I see students again. But maybe it will be good for me. I have had this feeling before. This feeling where it can go either way depending on how I feel or how I act (or react as the case may be). I feel like I can choose for it to be a good thing to go back to work or a really stressful thing. I want to choose for it to be a good thing but I think that will be much harder than choosing to be bitter and depressed about being in Snowflake and being cranky about going back to work.

My mom calls this a learning experience. Maybe she is right. I have had moments of peacefulness and happiness here. But they have been few and far between compared to the bad moments. At least Christmas day and the day after Christmas was nice. And it was really nice to see David and Emily today. They made us guardians of their son in case anything happens to him. I am so honored. They also named their son after Mark. His name is John Mark McCleve. Isn't that just beautiful? I love their boy too. We met him and he likes me :) It has been fun talking to my mom. We haven't had any fights since we have been here and she has put up with my moodiness beautifully. I went to the temple and it was really beautiful and nice inside. Mark didn't bring his stuff and got a too small robe so he wasn't keen on staying, which was annoying. *sigh* I am just annoyed and aggraveted with him today. But this is my paragraph about nice things. Tomorrow I am going to see my cousin Amy. I am really excited. I haven't seen her in a year. She has a new little boy! I am excited to meet Jaxon. The starts here are beautiful. I have not see the milky way in a long time and it was out in all its glory last night. We had a white christmas. Snow is overrated, but it was beautiful. The sky is as awesome as ever. I definitely want to come back to the west where there are no trees. I called both my brother and my sister on Christmas day and they both answered their phones. I got to talk to Liz for 20 minutes and Danny for 35 minutes. I miss them both very much and wish I could have spent some time with them this break. My mom has been helping me make this AWESOME stocking for Austin for Christmas next year. It is being made to match Mark's. I love it so far. We have the hardest part still to do, but it is going to be amazing in the end. My mom is awesome. She is so patient. I hope I can be more like her someday. I mean, some of the things she does bother me of course and I wouldn't choose to do them, but they are the little things that don't really matter. In all of the important areas of my life I want to be just like her. She is the best mom ever. It will be a lifetime of work for me to become like that. So you see, I guess not all of the break has been bad. I have done a few really great things. I did get to spend one night in this really awesome hotel with Mark in Phoenix the night I flew in. We went to breakfast at IHOP and drove around Phoenix together and did some shopping and got all our Christmas things done. And even thought it was annoying to have to stay in Globe, we did get to listen to Christmas music and finish our Christmas cards to our family members while were there together and watch Toy Story. That was fun. I also won Dominion when we played as a family. I have never won before and it was awesome. The Christmas program at the Bailey's was really nice. Every family shared some musical talent (except me. I read a story to the children instead). It was really beautiful. Then the children dressed up as the nativity and Dad Bailey read the story out of Luke 2. It was really lovely.

My conscience is telling me that part of the reason I am so cranky and upset is because I haven't said my personal prayers or read my scriptures in over a week. And that is true. I haven't. I probably should. I know it makes my life better. I would like to make some new year's resolutions too. Not very many, just a couple. I have never been really successful with them, but it doesn't hurt to try. I am ready for my birthday and Valentine's day. I am ready for Spring. I am ready for my sweet baby to arrive safely. I am ready to be a better person in 2012 than I was in 2011. I should start by calling my husband. But I might give myself a couple of hours. I am just not quite ready yet...

My Problems with Family

Why is being with extended family so hard for me sometimes? I love my husband more than life itself. I would die for him. And he has a wonderful family. They are some of the best people I know. So why do I have such a hard time when we are all together?

I feel sometimes like I don't fit in. Or I feel like I talk too much. I think I probably compare myself to everyone too and find myself coming up short. I feel like my students love me but that my nieces and nephews don't even like me or tolerate me at best. Is that because I had a hard time talking to them or holding them at first when it was hard for me to become pregnant.

I don't even want to go out of my bedroom right now to be with them. I think part of that is probably because Mark is really sick and I have to be alone out there. At least when he is there I feel like someone is there who loves me absolutely and completely. He either came down with the flu or food poisoning the day I got here. I am glad I was here to take care of him. He is sleeping next to me right now. I just don't want to leave this room.

I think my MIL is stressed out a little by so many people being here. I know she is happy to have all her children and grandchildren around her. But I feel like I just bother her or that I am in the way. I feel like I am very different from all of her daughters and her other daughters-in-law and sometimes I think she doesn't know what to do with me or what to talk to me about. Is that how it is going to be when my Austin gets married? I hope I can be a good MIL to whoever he chooses to marry.

Maybe I just worry too much about this. I thought maybe writing it down would help out some but it hasn't really helped at all. There are just too many people here. Too many little children. You can't have a conversation with someone without it being interrupted by a child. And I am not used to that and it is hard for me.

It has been awesome to see Joseph. It really has been. He is one of my favorite people. I am glad we are here to see him.

What is my problem? Why am I so uncomfortable and upset here? I feel a little trapped for one thing. We do not have a car and Mark is sick. I hate asking my in-laws for anything. I have already asked for a couple of things to help make Mark feel better (soda, crackers, and a space heater) and was made to feel like an idiot for asking. I didn't even bother asking for medicine. I just went out and bought some when we were all in town for Joseph's returning home fireside to the family. Too much family! The medicine helped and I think Mark is finally starting to feel better.

I hope this break improves. It is going to be a LONG three months before Spring Break if these feelings of anxiety, apprehension, and being trapped persist throughout this entire break.

What can I do to alleviate these feelings?

I should spend more time in the scriptures. I don't feel like I can pray about this because I feel guilty about feeling these feelings anyway. Sometimes when I feel too bad to pray I feel like God can reach out to me through the scriptures. So more scriptures and prayers.

I can try to think more about others and talk with them about how they are.

I can give myself a time limit for being patient with other people's children. I think my limit will be one hour. After an hour I will excuse myself and take a break in my room.

I can let other people worry about their own feelings and just enjoy myself. I think that is probably the best thing for me to do.

Honesty is the Best Policy

Tomorrow is the last day of school before Christmas Break. Yay!

Tomorrow I also fly from Raleigh to Phoenix. Hooray!

My awesome friend Samantha is taking me to the airport. I was a little nervous about making it to the airport on time because I have to drive from Reidsville to Winston where Sam is picking me up and then together we will drive to Raleigh. There was absolutely no wiggle room. I would have arrived at the airport only 1 hour ahead of time. I was thinking about calling in sick on Wednesday but having serious internal conflict because that is dishonest. I am not supposed to use my sick days unless I am sick. 

Well. Honesty is the best policy. I am not going to work tomorrow. I called in sick. Because I am. Honestly. I felt awful at work today. My throat is sore and I was exhausted and aching all over. So now I feel confident I will get everything done I need to and make my flight on time. But I am sick. A blessing and curse. 

I went to the office at the end of the day in tears. I think I am just over emotional because I am pregnant. I did not want anyone thinking I was lying or being dishonest about calling in sick on the last day of work before break. Of COURSE my principal was right there when I walked in. He is awesome and was all concern. He told me his opinion was the only one that mattered, that I didn't look well, he could tell I was truly sick, to skip out on the staff meeting, and have a nice break. I was so embarrassed. I have no idea why I was crying! For heaven's sake. The office ladies who take care of subs and everything were awesome too. They laughed sympathetically and said "See! We told you so. We told you you would come crying to us one day for no reason at all and not know why you are crying!" They did tell me that too, about two months ago when I announced my pregnancy. 

I seriously have the best boss and coworkers in the world. I am so thankful for my job. I love those people. I hope I am as fortunate in my next job as I have been in this one. 

Generosity

I feel so much gratitude in my heart for the generosity of others. Sometimes the goodness and generosity of people in my ward is overwhelming.

Maternity clothing is quite expensive. I certainly cannot afford to purchase a brand new wardrobe that I will only wear for 5 months. My mother-in-law and my mother purchased me several pieces of maternity clothes. I am so thankful for their generosity. The clothing is beautiful and functional and it will serve me to the end.

A friend of mine in the ward lent me her entire maternity wardrobe. She has about 20 shirts, 2 skirts, and several pairs of pants and jeans. Wow. I can't believe she is just letting me borrow it like that!

Another friend of mine gave me a shirt and a dress. She said she never wore them in two pregnancies and thought I could use them. So awesome.

And finally, my visiting teacher just gave birth to a daughter 5 weeks ago. She just found out I was expecting and gave me a big hug and congratulations at the ward party on Saturday night. She said that she and her husband are 100% sure (surgically sure, one of them is undergoing a procedure) that they will not be having any more children. She said she had a lot of long sleeved shirts she was going to sell but said she would just give them to me. So she brought me over probably 10 or 11 shirts, a dress, and a pair of pants. Wow. Who does that?!

And I feel so blessed because all three of those women are my size. So the clothes fit perfectly. I have had several people tell me that I will be really tired of my maternity clothes by the time I have my baby. I am not sure that is going to be the case. With the generosity of my family and friends my maternity wardrobe is bigger than my regular one!

Thank you everyone!

Still A Boy!

I had another ultrasound today to double check that my boy's heart was doing fine. And it's fine. So no worries. His spine is looking great. He is moving around quite a lot. He is a normal size.

And he still a boy. Definitely a boy.

My blood sugar has been good. I have been taking my blood sugar like a champ and being super careful about what I eat. And I have been exercising at least 4 days a week. Mark and I decided I need to make a list of why gestational diabetes has been a blessing. I mean it too! I have never exercised so regularly or eaten such a healthy, balanced diet in my life.

And I have only gained 2 pounds since I became pregnant. I did in fact loose a pound in the last month instead of gaining anything. I was feeling quite nervous about that. Everything I read says I am supposed to be gaining. But the doctor came in, took one look at my numbers and said "Your weight looks great. Your blood pressure looks great. How are you feeling?" Well, fine I guess! I mentioned the weight loss thing. He said not to worry at this point. If he's not worried, I'm not worried. I was about nine pounds overweight when I got pregnant. I guess I didn't need to add anything to those maternal fat stores and all that exercise and good eating must be paying off.

Anyway. I am so delighted to be having a child. I feel so blessed and happy. Sometimes I look at my life and think that it can't be mine because it is just so wonderful. I am so thankful for my many blessings, especially this one. I am going to cherish this experience. I do not know when (or even if) it will ever happen again. I am thankful it has been a delightful and pleasant experience for me. No sickness. Just a little tired and a little back pain (that has since gone away since I started to exercise). What a blessing. I am so excited to have my boy come, but I like I said, I am going to cherish every moment of this great blessing.

They say that having infertility makes you appreciate your pregnancy (if you are blessed to start your family in that way) in a different way than if you did not have infertility. I think that is true. At least for me. I am sure every woman blessed to carry a child feels blessed and honored to do so, but I believe that for myself I appreciate in a deeper and more meaningful way that I otherwise would have because it was a small struggle to get to this point. I really do not know if I would have appreciated the beauty, miracle, and blessing that this is without having had infertility issues first. So I am glad for my trial and even gladder for this wonderful, wonderful blessing!

A Mother's Love

Isn't she beautiful?

I have the most wonderful mother in the world. She is a beautiful person inside and out. I will never be able to repay her for everything she has done for me. All I can do is hope to pay it forward. When my son is born I hope that I can be the kind of mother for him that my mother was for me: patient, kind, understanding, patient, loving, patient, generous. Did I mention patient? My mother embodies that virtue. She was that and so much more. She was trusting. She guided my decisions but always, always let me choose for myself. And if the consequences were hard to live with she would help me understand them and how to live with them. Best. Mom. Ever. I am so thankful she sacrificed her time and money to come and visit me in North Carolina. I love her more than words can express.

Movement

One of the very best feelings I have ever experienced is my son kicking around in my tummy. He is surprisingly strong for only being 21 weeks! What a wonderful boy. I can't wait to meet him, but I love this experience so much I do not want to rush him out in any way. I want to treasure every moment because it has been a while in coming.

I am so blessed to have this pregnancy. I thank Heavenly Father every day for this great blessing. The ability to be pregnant is a gift. Maybe not everyone sees it that way, but it is. It truly is. You might think it is on your timing but it isn't it is the Lord's. And maybe you are lucky enough that both your idea of when to have children and his coincide. That was not the case for me. And unfortunately not everyone receives that gift from our Heavenly Father in this life. Some people have to wait. My waiting was not long at all. Four years is really not a long wait. But sometimes it felt long. It was sad and lonely. I was happy for others, but sad for myself. But the joy and sweetness of fulfillment makes my cup run over with joy. Every tear shed, every painful (emotional and physical) medical procedure was worth it.  I already love this boy so much I can't imagine loving him more when he comes but I am sure I will!

A Wonderful Husband

I had the best anniversary ever. And not only was it the best anniversary ever, I had the best year of my marriage ever. It seems like each year gets better than the last. Even the hard years are wonderful (i.e. the year when my dad died and the miscarriage five months later).

Mark is an amazing companion. He loves me very much and I know it not only by the things he says, but by the things he does. Last night is a perfect illustration. It was our anniversary "date". Here is what he did:

• He let me choose the restaurant (Chick-fil-A) because I have to be on a strict diet because of my pregnancy. We had to go with something inexpensive because we're on a budget. And we already had a big anniversary celebration about three weeks ago. 
• We went to a baby clothes store and just browsed around in the little boys section. 
• We went to the Hallmark store right next door to the baby store. He HATES that sort of stuff but he just walked around with me and enjoyed talking about future plans for decorating our house (when we can afford it) and playing with the funny stuff. He did let me know he was ready to leave but then stuck it out for 10 more minutes so I could finish looking.
• When we went to the Redbox to rent a movie he let me choose Jane Eyre even though he wanted to see Captain America. 
• When we came home I was halfway between being asleep and awake on his shoulder and he let me lay there for about 40 minutes before suggesting I go to bed. 
• Then he walked me upstairs, tucked me in, and kissed me goodnight.

Best husband ever. I mean really. Who does that? He is unselfish, kind, and patient. Sometimes I wonder what I did to get such a wonderful companion. He really seems too good to be true. Not only is his unselfish, kind, and patient, but he is also an incredibly hard worker. He studies for hours each day and is doing really well in medical school. I am so proud of him. And I am so pleased to be his wife. I am so glad he chose me. 

Tender Mercies

Tuesday night and Wednesday were incredibly stressful days. I was (and still am) exhausted. I cried in frustration and relief within a 24 hour period. Here is the story:

So this year instead of just having my students wear black and white I am going to have them wear matching polo shirts with an RMS music logo embroidered on the front left side (where the pocket should be). Well. If I had this to do over I would collect the money in September and have them ordered by the beginning of October. I would have sample sizes for them to actually try on.

Needless to say I did not to EITHER of those things. I collected all the money by November and STILL haven't ordered the shirts even though my concert is in 3 weeks. I tried ordering the shirts on Tuesday and Wednesday from and online company but it ended up being a huge mess and they absolutely would not guarantee to have them there on time. So I tried another online company but they were going to charge me $100 to design and upload a logo AND a $600 rush fee. I couldn't afford that! I only charged the kids $16 a shirt!

And I was SO stressed and frustrated trying to get the kids into the right sizes so they would not look like they were swimming in too large shirts or squeezing into too small shirts. I am still a little worried about that. So basically I went down to the office ladies (who are AWESOME) crying and not knowing what to do.

Well. They told me about an a local company literally around the corner and suggested I go to them. So I did. And the woman there patted my shoulder and told me they would have NO problem getting them for me on time. AND they gave me sample sizes right there. AND they helped me design a logo for free. AND she is going to take a slight cut to her profit on the shirts since I did not charge the kids quite enough money for them. She said our school is her best customer and she doesn't mind helping out a first timer like me at all. (She said all this in her sweet southern accent too). I cried again. This time in relief. She said that Jesus works in ways that surprise us sometimes. I couldn't have said it better myself.

So that is mercy number one from Wednesday.

Wednesday is also the day that the cookie dough we sold for our fundraiser came in. Last year it was a piece of cake because all of my students were gone by about 1:00 and then I had planning and enrichment. I can ask to be free during enrichment during an emergency too since I am basically a classroom aide for those 40 minutes. So last year the cookies came and I was able to sort them and have them all ready for the students and none of my students were in the classroom stressing me out.

Well THIS year my planning AND enrichment are in the morning. I was so stressed and nervous that I was going to have a classroom full of kids while trying to sort all the cookie dough out. But you know what? I have a 45 minute lunch break. And guess when the cookie dough came? Five minutes into my break. AND the custodians were right there at the back door when it arrived so I didn't have to go hunting for them to help me out at all.

They were so helpful. Especially because I am pregnant and they didn't want me lifting a finger to help them. So they took it all upstairs (we do have an elevator) and helped me unload it. We were finished 20 minutes before my students came, and I was able to finish getting it sorted by class 5 minutes before my students came.

And when I had to call up all the sixth and seventh graders to get their cookie dough the eighth grade students were pretty mature about it and did the right thing by staying in their seats and not talking too much.

Tender mercy number two.

I feel so blessed. Heavenly Father has really been showing himself to me lately in so many ways. It is a great strength to my testimony. I love being watched over by Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. Sometimes my life feels too good to be true. And my heart hurts for those who are not as blessed as me and I wonder why they are not. And I don't know. I really don't. But I guess the God of All Creation knows and I will trust in him and his eternal plan forever.

Blessings.

Happy Anniversary!

Happy Anniversary to me! And to my husband! Seriously. Best 4 years of my life. You know how in young women's at church they always ask you to list out qualities you want in a husband, etc, etc, etc... When I did that I never dreamed I would get someone as awesome as I got. Mark is far and away above and beyond anything I ever put on that list. I am at peace in my life and in marriage because I have such a wonderful companion. So. Happy Anniversary to me!

Staring at the Screen

I have been sitting in my living room for the last 15 minutes or so just staring at the screen of my computer and every now and then switching to a different web page. I am looking but not seeing or understanding much of anything. Such a waste of time. I am completely zoned out. My mind feels fried. I cannot focus on anything. I think it is time to put the computer away, and go to bed. Some days at work just do that to me. I get home and I can focus on nothing and accomplish nothing because my mind is numb from the day's stress and work. Thank goodness these days do not come often. Often enough to be annoying, but not so often that my whole life is disrupted. Logging off now...

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Baby Boy Bailey: April 16, 2012

A Break! (Or two, or three!)

Finally, the first long stretch of the school year is over! The kids are at each other's throats and the teachers are exhausted. I am so glad that the breaks have finally arrived!

Next week we have an early release day AND a day off. In one week! Hooray!

Then it is only one full week before Thanksgiving break! BIG Hooray!

Then it is only 3 1/2 weeks until Christmas break! GIANT HOORAY!

I am so looking forward to holidays. My mom is coming for Thanksgiving which we will also share with some of our favorite friends here in Winston, the Condons. AND we are going to Arizona for Christmas this year. I am so excited.

There is another very long stretch of school with no breaks after that (January until the first week of April...), which is exhausting too. Technically there are some teacher workdays built in but they are always turned into student days because of weather.

BUT I am really excited for the relatively restful months of November and December! And the awesome time of year where I get to think all about what I am most Thankful for and the birth of my Savior, Jesus Christ.

HOORAY!

Scripture Power

I teach the 9 year old's in primary. I really, really love teaching primary. It probably the best calling I have ever had. I could teach primary forever and be happy I think. I just love how fresh everything feels in there. I love that we go over the basics and that we do not delve into deep spiritual matters or personal interpretation of the scriptures. What I have discovered is that by studying the basic principles and talking about them with the students my own mind is open to the promptings of the spirit and I have gotten some really beautiful insights into the scriptures. We do not necessarily talk about my insights, but I get them more now than ever. I love it.

But that is not the purpose of this post! The title of this post just reminded me of primary because that is one of the songs we sang for the primary program. The kids LOVED that song. You should have heard them sing it. They sounded awesome. Here are the words:

Because I want to be like the Savior, and I can,
I'm reading his instructions, I'm following his plan.
Because I want the power his word will give to me,
I'm changing how I live, I'm changing how I'll be.

Scripture power keeps me safe from sin.
Scripture power is the power to win.
Scripture power! Every day I need,
The power that I get each time I read.

Well, I have not been really faithful about reading my scriptures every single day lately and I have made a concerted effort to be better about it. Last night I sat down with my NT in hand and I read for probably 15 or 20 minutes. Jesus was a pretty smart guy. He was so smart in fact that the Scribes and Pharisees stopped asking him questions after a while. And I love that about my Savior. I love that he was smart. I have a lot of respect for people who are smart and wise and that is Jesus Christ in two words.

Well today was a fabulous day. I loved my job today. I loved teaching today. I have had some serious anxiety over the past couple of days and I felt it disappear as I decided to lose myself in the scriptures yesterday. The line of Scripture Power kept coming into my head today: Scripture Power! Every day I need the power that I get each time I read.

I really felt that power today, stronger than I have felt it in a long time. I think it was Heavenly Father's gentle reminder that the scriptures really are a powerful tool, even if they are not answering your particular concerns of the moment they just have this power that can help you help yourself through your problems. I love that about the scriptures and my goal is to finish the New Testament by the New Year.

Scripture Power!!!

The hearts of the fathers...

I did temple work for my own grandmother today. I felt her presence in the temple. I felt my dad's presence too. It was a beautiful experience and I am so thankful to have been there today.

The Class From...

I have been told by veteran teachers that there is always one class every year that is a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad class... usually called something else, but I don't think that is appropriate to say here. Well in year two that has proven to be true. I had one very, very difficult class last year. And I have one very, VERY difficult class this year. And they were difficult for different reasons! Grrr!!! I think the reason I do not have the difficulties I had last year is because after last year I figured out how to deal with them. But this class brings a whole new goodie bag of difficulties to the table and I have no tools in my tool kit to deal with these kids. They are driving me crazy! 

They have an attention span of... about 30 seconds. They get all upset when I do not let them go crazy in my class. They get all upset when they do not get to do what they want to do. It seems an impossibility for them to keep their mouths shut for anything. They simply will not stop talking and it is driving me crazy. I mean I understand that kids in choir talk. I do. But this is unbelievable. I know my inconsistent discipline is not helping. I think I need to come up with something more effective than what the school offers because I do not want to forever be sending students out of my class. I have already rearranged the seating chart a few times and it will work for a while then stop working. Anyway, now I am just talking to myself. I will sign off now. 

Another bad day

I seem to be having a lot of these lately. I think maybe it is because I am just emotional and I overreact to everything it seems. Okay not everything. And really I only had altercations with 2 students today at the same time in the same class. And then I was stupid and posted on facebook about it. But it was completely anonymous. I mean no one could know who it was.  But still. Then another teacher said I shouldn't do that and that just pushed me over the edge today and I tried to stop it but tears just started streaming down my face. I don't think that has ever really happened before. Where I just start crying and I am unable to prevent it or stop it. I thought I was keeping it under control and then a big tear rolled down my cheek and now I can't stop. I was in a terrible mood all day today and I just kept making all sorts of rookie mistakes and feeling like an idiot.  I just feel upset and sad about the way today happened. I can't believe I actually took it all home with me. I haven't done that in ages.

My Amazing Father

You know, I realize with every passing day how amazing my dad was. And my mom. I have an acquaintance from BYU whose parents were married for something like 30 years and they suddenly divorced and now her dad is gay. Well. Mine was too. But he didn't give in to it. And my mom didn't leave him for it. My dad decided to repent and change his life. His heart was changed by the Savior so fully and completely that he looked at his sin and that way of life with abhorrence and would say in complete truthfulness "I can't believe I ever thought that was good or okay. It is disgusting." I know a lot of people wouldn't believe him or me when I say that he said that. But he did. And I know he meant it. And my parents stayed together. And they continued to grow in love and respect for one another until my dad died. My dad is so awesome. He really was a diamond in the rough, just like my mom said. He was the best sort of person there is and I am so proud that I was a part of his life and that he was a part of my life and that his genes are in my blood and that my baby will have them too. I am so blessed to have had the wonderful parents I had.

Jealousy

I feel like I need a friend. A really good friend who I can talk to and who understands me. I felt like I had one in a girl in my ward. But we have had a hard time talking lately (especially since this new girl moved in) and now I feel like she likes her new friend better than she likes me. Doesn't that sound juvenile? And I am trying really hard not to be juvenile about it. I mean I am so embarrassed by my feelings that I have not even confided them to Mark. I just feel like it is really hard to talk to her these days but that she has all these things in common with this other girl and that this other girl is amazing and so easy to talk to. I guess this other girl and her husband went to dinner with my friend and her husband last night and they all ended up talking until 1:00 in the morning. We have never done that. And it is because I just run out of things to say. I feel like we are growing apart and it makes me sad because I do not really have any other close friends. And I guess Mark is my best friend and that is what matters. And my friend and I are really different in our outlooks on life. And I think I don't understand her. She has had some serious depression and I haven't had to deal with that and I think I really don't understand her like this other girl. And so I can sympathize and show her kindness but I can't really validate her feelings. Maybe that is where the miscommunication is coming in. But, I do have other people who are kind and friendly to me. And maybe when I am done working I can be kind and friendly to other people in that way. I am just feeling desperate right now and no one wants a desperate friend. I think I just need to chill out and enjoy my weekend. So I think that is what I will try and do.

Bad Teacher Day

I had another one of those days.

My last class is so talkative! I don't feel like we are getting anything done! Perhaps it is because they have lost some interest. I'll do what I can to get their interest back. I am determined not to go out today feeling like a failure. I think today's lesson was a failure because the students were disengaged. I think they were disengaged for a few reasons: they are not interested in what I am doing, they are tired at the end of the day, and we do not have enough procedures. I think in my next lesson we are going to practice procedures. Plus, I just didn't feel good today and I did not give enough positive reinforcement. I am keeping the boys and girls separate next year I think. I just think it will make for a more reasonable classroom atmosphere at this age. But I am not going to go out today feeling like a failure. I can do this. I can be a better teacher. They can be better students. I have got to think of a system that works. But we did have a lot of good days right in a row. I am not going to let one bad day ruin it all. I have to go to my duty now. They just need reminders.

Somehow I have got to get these students on my side.I feel like I am acting as immature and hot headed as they are sometimes. I am letting them get to me! That is what the problem is. I am letting them under my skin. In my other classes I do not let my students get under my skin. That is what I am going to change. I am going to not let them get under my skin. I am going to just deal with them like I deal with my other classes. Hopefully things will improve. I need to do some praying too. I think maybe Heavenly Father will help me. Plus, I need a class like this every year to help remind me that I have ways to grow and improve as a teacher. I learned a ton from my hardest students last year and it is actually helping me this year. My students this year are hard in a different way and now I need to learn how to deal with their hardness in this way. It will make me better and stronger in the end and I can do this.

No More Weekends!

I have decided that wonderful weekends are not good for my work ethic. Because after a fabulous weekend I simply to do NOT want to go to work on Monday! I just want the weekend to keep going and going and going! So I am usually late to work because I put off getting ready because I just don't want to go. But alas, if I do not get ready in the next 10 minutes, I will be late again. *sigh* Maybe I should stop having weekends!

My Inspiration

Whenever I do not feel like doing my job I think of Mark. He always tells me how proud he is of me for being a teacher and he tells me he thinks I must be doing a wonderful job since most of my students really enjoy my class. He says he thinks he would enjoy my class. So whenever I do not feel like doing my job, I just imagine Mark sitting in my class watching me and I want to do a good job to impress him. I want him to think I am a good teacher. And I think it makes me a better teacher. Because even though he is not there I am trying to impress him. So he really is my inspiration. He helps me be a better person, even when he is not around. I sure love him.

Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Weekend.... Mostly

Mark and I both agree that this weekend has been terrible, horrible, no good and very bad.... mostly. There have definitely been some bright spots. And that is mostly what I want to write about.

I don't want to focus on our failed date on Friday (because we were both so tired), or the fact that my chili didn't turn out today, or the fact that BYU was killed by Utah.

I want to focus on our fun grocery trip to Harris Teeter. And our fun (second) trip to Wal-Mart in our trial and error effort to get the right ink cartridge for our printer. And our wonderful lunches on both days. And the football games we watched at home on ABC. And the fact that House Hunters just posted some new videos online for us to watch. And the wonderful afternoon drive we had together.

Of course the brightest spot on my weekend is Mark. He is always the brightest spot. No matter how bad a weekend might turn out, as long as we are getting along and spending time together it is never a complete flop of a weekend.

So here is to not letting the (mostly) terrible weekend carry over into the week. Because even though the weekend was terrible, I have the best husband in the whole world to come home to every night. And that is just AWESOME :)

Labor Day Weekend

I love having an afternoon off from work! I have another visit to the doctor today so I took the afternoon off. I have all sorts of time to blog and read and write and download pictures from my camera to my computer and then back up the computer. Is nice having a day off. I am looking forward to my vacations and snow days :)

So over Labor Day weekend Mark and I went up to Washington DC and Stephen's City, VA to visit our friends, the Condies. We had a FABULOUS time. They are the best hosts and they have the most comfortable and beautiful home.

 I love that face. I love that smile. I married the best man in the world. 

 We rode the Metro! I had never used public transportation like that before. It was awesome. It ended up taking longer than we thought it would because of construction, but it was worth it for the experience. 

 We walked past the National Mall, but didn't really visit any of the monuments. It was just the Smithsonians this time!

 We visited the National Air and Space Museum. It was really cool! Next time we want a guided tour!

 They have Cafe Rio in DC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It was like a taste of the west. There were about 4 other Mormon families in there. It was pretty funny. Coincidence? I think not :)

 BYU's first game of the season was Saturday. The boys watched the whole thing. We won. Just barely. Emily and I got bored half way through and left to go do some crafting upstairs :) Afterward we had butterbeer. It was amazing!

This picture is a little fuzzy, but it is the best one I got. We love the Condies and had a blast visiting with them! Hopefully we'll get to do it again soon. 

Best Dad Ever

I know I just posted about my dad, but September is a special month for me to think about him because I just miss him so much. It will be two years this month. I still miss him as much now as I did then. My mentor teacher lost his father early in his life too. During our meeting yesterday he said, "You know Amanda, I feel I can tell you this now, but you never get over it." And I agreed with him 100%. You just don't ever get over a loss like that in your life. I don't believe the old adage that says "Time heals all wounds." It doesn't. It doesn't heal all wounds. Time allows you to grow and teaches you how to continue to live happily with the wounds you have. I think Eternity heals all wounds. Because when time is gone and we are all living forever together in Eternity there will be no more loss and the loss that you suffered during time will be restored unto you. So time doesn't heal all wounds, but eternity does.

Harder Second Year

You know, as hard as I tried to come into this year with no expectations I don't think I succeeded. I am thinking that in some ways this is going to be a harder year than last year. I think it is because last year I didn't really have any experience to compare the year with. This year I keep thinking about last year.

A Tribute

I really have been missing my dad these days. I think it is because the two year mark of his passing away is this month. The last time I saw him living and coherent was two years ago this week. I just really miss him. I cried myself almost all the way to work today. Really cried. I just miss him. I wish he was here for so many reasons. If he was alive here are the things I would have said to him this morning. 

Thank you for teaching me to love beautiful things.

Thank you for always playing beautiful music loudly in the morning, especially the Mormon Tabernacle Choir.

Thank you for encouraging me to be excellent.

Thank you for always being proud of me.

Thank you for always offering to fight my battles but never really doing it so I could learn how. 

Thank you for being a follower of Jesus Christ.

Thank you for taking time to do fun things with me.

Thank you for being such a hard worker and teaching me by example what it means to do your job well.

Thank you for being the best dad ever.

I miss my dad. I can't wait to be with him again in heaven. 

Distinctly Unmotivated

I have been feeling in a funk lately. I have been distinctly unmotivated to do ANYTHING. I don't feel like going to work. I don't feel like cleaning my house. I don't feel like watching a movie. I don't feel like reading a book (well I do. but I can't find a good one.) In short, I don't feel like doing anything! I just want to stay at home and sleep or hang out with my wonderful husband. I haven't felt like this in so long I have forgotten how to get myself out of this feeling... hopefully with the help of my Heavenly Father I will be able to change my attitude. And soon. I can't live with myself like this!

In other news, Mark and I had a wonderful weekend in DC with our friends, the Condies. We love them. We feel so lucky they live so close to us! We were friends back at BYU and now they live near DC and so we visit each other whenever we can. She is a teacher too and they are in the process of adoption so we always have a lot to talk about. Mark and I are not in the process of adoption, but we do have infertility issues so that is what I mean.

Work has been ok. Like I said. Unmotivated.

I got a new calling! Now I teach in primary. I have 5 girls all turning 9 years old. They are very energetic and need a lot of love and guidance, but I enjoy my calling. Primary is awesome. I wish I could stay in there with the kids forever!

Maybe that is a way to get out of my funk. Counting my blessings and instead of focusing on the things I don't love to do, I should focus on those things that I do love to do. Maybe I'll give that a try and report back.

Best Evening

I had the best evening. First of all, my first day of school went quite well. I was not nervous or stressed. I totally knew my own power and abilities and the students (even the 8th grade) were not able to walk all over me. Last year I was shaking in my boots with the 8th grade. Literally. I would shake with frustration, fear, and rage. But this year, when they got too chatty on the first day (like they owned the place) I simply asserted my authority as their teacher, reminded them what respect looked like to me, told them I would not be afraid to write one of them up on the first day of school, and if they wanted to be first, that was fine with me. I had many, many students hug me and say how much they missed me. It was wonderful to feel their love. So after a great first day at school I came home at a reasonable hour to spend the rest of the day with my wonderful husband.

He is the best husband in the whole world. He got up this morning at 5:45 and made me a hot breakfast of whole wheat pancakes. He sat up with me and talked with me and gave me a lot of hugs and kisses. He told me he wanted me to go to my first day with students with a lot of love from my husband. It really worked. He started my day in such a positive way. He even stood at the door and waved at me as I drove off (at my request :)

When I got home we had dinner together and just talked for over two hours. We went on a walk because the weather today was magnificently cool and comfortable. And then we watched Jeopardy together. After that we talked some more and then we went to Food Lion to buy a few groceries for the coming week. When we got home we tackled our disgusting kitchen together and finished it in no time: floor mopped, dishes done (there were TONS of them), counters cleaned, trash taken out, fridge cleaned out, and bug spray put down (we saw a roach a couple of days ago). I know it sounds so simple but the conversation tonight was so free and easy and being together was just wonderful. It was one of the best days and evenings I have had in a long time. I really do have a blessed and wonderful life. I am so glad to be me and I am even gladder that Mark is my husband.

News!

8-5-11

I felt crampy all day. It made me really sad because I thought for sure my period was going to start. We had dinner with a family in the ward, the Fife's. They are expecting their first baby. They tried for 4 years after being married for 4 years, so 8 years total. They ended up having to do IVF. They gave us some left over medication. It is really expensive. They said if we don't end up using it to just give it to the office. We have the same reproductive endocrinologist (RE). I decided to take a pregnancy test at 11:30 PM. I just needed to know for sure that it had been a failed cycle. I really thought it was. I even blogged about it. So I took the test and it was.......... POSITIVE!!! I couldn't believe it. I took my glasses off and put them back on. I looked at the test multiple times at multiple angles. It was positive.

I went to show it to Mark (who was already asleep). I shook him awake and showed it to him silently. He patted me on the shoulder and said "I'm so sorry sweetheart." I shook my head and pointed again. He said again (half asleep) "I know. I'm really sorry. Maybe next time." I pointed to the positive sign and he said "What?" I said "Mark! It is positive!" He said "Are you sure?" I said "I think so!" He said "Well that is wonderful!" And then fell back asleep. I slept with the pregnancy test right next to my bed.

8-6-11

In the morning I asked Mark if he remembered me waking him up. He said no. Then yes. Then "That was real?! Are you sure?" I said yes. We were shocked to say the least. We had not expected it to work. We were trying not to be too excited or talk about it too much because last time we got our hopes up too soon and I lost the pregnancy and it was devastating. So this time we tried to control our expectations. I took another pregnancy test around lunchtime. It was still positive. We tried to keep our excitement under control. We were still really scared.

I told my mom. She said that she will be really excited for us and that she is not scared at all. I am so glad my mom is my cheerleader. I need someone with her faith and confidence right now.

8-7-11

I told Jessica Condon and she told her husband, Brett. They are our really good friends here and I have confided a lot in her about my infertility issues. I know that she and Brett pray for us regularly to have a baby. She tells me so. So I told her but also asked her to keep it secret. It is really, really nice to have someone here in Winston to talk to about all my appointments and hormone levels and ultrasounds. I know that if something goes wrong she will be there for me to go to. She is awesome.

8-8-11

I called the Dr.'s office today. I took another pregnancy test in the morning (they come in packs of two and I had leftover one from the last time I had to test). It was still positive! My excitement grows every single day. I am trying to control it but it is just hard when something I have wanted for so long seems to be working! I went and got my blood tested in the afternoon. I barely made it on time because today was my first day back at work. I actually had some people at work ask me how my treatments were going and if I was pregnant yet. I kind of evaded their questions. I am just not ready to tell anyone yet. We haven't even told Mark's mom and dad!

8-9-11

The results are in and everything is AWESOME. My progesterone and hCG levels are both really high and well above the safe range. I was relieved to hear about that, especially the progesterone because last time my progesterone was low at this point in my pregnancy. I really, really hope that means things are going to work this time. I am still taking my suppositories faithfully just in case, but the nurse said my levels were so high, that I probably don't need to anymore. Still. Just in case. Each day that passes makes it more and more difficult to control my expectations. I just want to be excited. I want it to work out. I want to have a sweet little child to raise up to the Lord with my husband.

A girl at work asked me point blank if I was pregnant today. She is pregnant too. Only 4 weeks further along than me. I told her I was but asked her to please not tell anyone. She is very discreet and I felt I could trust her. She has been so good about it she doesn't even smile about it in the hallway or bring it up when we are alone. But she was really excited for me and was really excited that we get to do this together. She is just a couple of years older than me. The difference is that hers was a complete surprise (on birth control) and mine was VERY planned.

8-10-11

I went and had another blood test done after work today. It wasn't really necessary but they said if it would make me feel better that I could go ahead and have it done. So I went ahead and had it done. I just need that little bit on confirmation. I am getting to know the phlebotomist pretty well. I said I hoped that it was the last time I saw him for a while, nothing personal, but I just hoped that I would be getting good news. He said he hoped so too. I got these awesome prenatal vitamins. They are gummies. I love taking them! I love them so much I have a hard time only taking two each day!

8-11-11

I am at work right now writing this. I just got back from a meeting with the high school band, choir, and drama teachers. We were working out a schedule for our concerts in the auditorium for December and May. When we got to the point where we were scheduling for May I asked them to please not tell anyone (because for some reason I just don't want people to know. I think for me it is too early. I want to be excited and celebrate for myself for a while. It feels really special and sacred. I am also still scared that I will not be able to carry the pregnancy to term. Although, with each passing day I feel more peaceful about it. I feel like this is the time. This is really the right time for me to have my little baby) but that I was pregnant, due in April, and needed to have an earlier concert. They were all very happy for me. I asked to schedule a concert in early April. They said "When are you due?" I said April 17. They said "ARE YOU CRAZY?! You need to have that concert in March! First babies either come two weeks early or three weeks late!"

So I scheduled the concert for March. I still left my date I had originally scheduled in May. Just in case. Because even though I am more confident than ever that this is the time, I am still a little scared and doubtful.

In the middle of the meeting I got a call from the nurse with the results of the test. Awesome! Things are going exactly as they should. My hCG levels a little more than doubled in two days. Which is exactly what they are supposed to do. When I heard that I was so excited! I was probably the most excited I have been.

After the meeting I called Mark. He wants to tell his parents now. We are going to have an ultrasound a week from Friday to make sure that everything looks ok in there.

Sometimes I still feel little aches and pains in my lower abdomen and those make me nervous. But I am trying to not be nervous. I am trying to just let things be.

I'm having a baby!

(oops! I almost hit publish post! I am definitely not ready to publish this post!)

8-12-11

I have gas. Really, really painful gas. And I feel sick. But you know what? I have never been so glad to have really bad gas pains (for the third day in a row) in my life. It is one of the symptoms of early pregnancy. :) I swore that once I got pregnant I would never complain about the aches and pains that come with it. Well, I will probably complain but I will be so thankful for all the pains because they are worth it.

8-20-11

Yesterday I went in and had my very first ultrasound. There is just one developing zygote in there. Mark was relieved about that. Mostly you could just see the yolk sack but it was still really cool to realize that there is a future person growing next to that thing! I have been feeling kind of crampy and I found out that those feelings are completely normal because my ovaries are still really swollen and sensitive and I have a little bit of fluid behind my uterus from ovulation. Nothing to worry about for now. We got a picture of our little baby and now it is sitting on Mark's man drawer (a little drawer where he keeps his personal things). It is really sweet to me that he wants to keep the picture there. He is getting more excited by the day. We are still really trying to control our expectations and we don't want to tell too many people in case something happens. But we are so happy. We feel so blessed that it worked out this time. April 11th cannot come soon enough! I can't wait to go back in a week and a half and see and hear the little heartbeat. I hope everything continues to go well!

8-21-11

Today I woke up with no feelings of pregnancy. It made me scared and nervous because I want this to work out so badly. Well I follow this awesome blog of this Christian woman whose husband was in a terrible car accident where he got a traumatic brain injury and suffered a lot of physical damage as well. Her faith is incredible. She definitely has days on her blog where she posts about her sadness about the entire situation and how she would love to have her old life back. But mostly she just posts about how no matter how hard it gets she knows God and Jesus will never let her down and that they will always be  with her. I know that she might not ever know or believe in this life what an inspiration she is to so many. She has almost 1000 readers on her blog. Even if the remainder of her life is taking care of her husband and she is never able to have children I wish I could tell her what an inspiration she is to thousands. Maybe her calling in life is to lift up the broken hearted. In a way she reminds me of Mother Theresa. She doesn't really get anything but she continues to have faith in God and Christ and never gives up her hope. She truly is an inspiration and I hope I get to meet her in heaven and hug her and tell her how much she strengthens me. She always posts references to biblical scriptures on her blog today she posted Isaiah 26:4:

Trust ye in the LORD forever; for in the LORD JEHOVAH is everlasting strength.

That is just what I needed to hear this morning. Here I am, having everything I want and being so scared and worried that it will not work out, when she is having to choose faith as she struggles through each day not getting anything she wants. What an example. Her calling and election must be sure. She is an incredible person.

8-27-11
I get to hear the heartbeat on Wednesday. Hopefully. I am really scared and nervous. I called the nurse about my symptoms leaving. She said it was normal for them to come and go. And she was right. They have come back and gone again and come back. It makes me feel relieved. But sometimes I get cramps and they make me feel so nervous. My overall feeling is one of peace and calm. I am just waiting for Wednesday. I am really scared and nervous because that is just about as a early as it is possible to hear or see the heartbeat so what if it is too early? What if something is wrong? I really hope it is not and that everything is going to be alright. Please come quickly Wednesday!

9-1-11
Yesterday I went to the doctor's office. I left work as soon as I could and went home to pick up Mark. We went straight to the doctor's office. We waited in the lobby for a few minutes and then we were called back. I had to undress from the waist down and put a sheet over me. It isn't anything I am not used to. I have had more vaginal ultrasounds than I can count. I was so nervous and anxious. I had been all day. I thought the day would never end. I sat quietly on the little table/chair thing they sit you on for your exam just holding Mark's hand. Mark was chatting away. It was nice that he talked to much because I really didn't have anything to say. I actually didn't hear much of what he said because I was thinking about what was about to happen. Last time we went in for one of these there was no heartbeat. Blighted Ovum. So I was just sitting on that cold table remembering last time and trying not to get my hopes up. One of the nurses came in and checked on us. She said she was going to find the doctor and light a fire under him to make him hurry up. I love the staff at that office. They are SO awesome. They are funny, kind, respectful, sensitive, and caring. Anyway, so finally the doc came in. He is really friendly and nice too. The exam started. I looked away at first because I didn't want to see that there was nothing there. But of course I looked right back over in a few seconds. And then there it was!!! The little fluttering in the image that is the heartbeat. And then he turned on the sound and we listened to it for a few seconds. It was AWESOME. He gave us a picture, referred some OBs to us. We thanked him profusely and said what a wonderful experience it had been working with his staff. It was seriously awesome. They are some of the kindest people I have ever met. The only sad thing about this whole experience is that I will have to leave their office and go to a new doctor. But I am so happy!!! Mark is really excited too. We celebrated by buying "How to Train Your Dragon" on blu-ray. We went and saw that movie in the theaters the day the bleeding started for my last pregnancy as I began to miscarry. We felt like buying it would sort of be coming full circle. We also bought Moses a new toy and got some Naked Juice. We started talking about names and we even felt confident enough to go and look at the baby section in Wal-Mart. It was fantastic. Anyway. I am at work so I had better go and get to my planning but I wanted to write it all down. It still feels unreal and I am still really nervous about a miscarriage. I think I will wait about another month before I tell everyone. It is fun to have a little secret!

9-6-11

I think about being pregnant all the time. I don't feel particularly pregnant. I wonder if everything is okay. I wonder what my life will be like in a year. I hope with all my heart that in April I will get to deliver a healthy child that I will get to raise in this life. I know from experience that life never works out quite how you think it will. Hard times come. Trials are put in your path so you can learn to trust Heavenly Father. But I think about this pregnancy. All the time. Please work out. Please.

9-16-11

I had my first visit with an obstetrician on Wednesday. (Today is Friday). They don't keep you at the reproductive endocrinology office past 8 weeks if your pregnancy is healthy at that point and looking great. Which mine is. So far so good. So they transferred my records back to my OB. And I had my first visit. I went in and had my blood drawn and answered a lot of questions about my medical history and that of my family. They also wanted to hear the heart beat.

Well, the doctor came in and used the same machine that I had used on me in my first pregnancy that could not find the heartbeat. When there was no heartbeat my heart sank just a little. I was nervous because the only time I had ever had that thing used on me had been unsuccessful as well and then I miscarried. I had told myself before I went in that if they couldn't find a heartbeat with that thing I would demand and ultrasound. Well, that wasn't even necessary. The doctor turned off the machine and said "Well, it is probably just too early to hear it with this thing. Let's get you in for an ultrasound." He offered it before I even asked! I was so relieved. I asked him if it would be long before I could come back for the ultrasound. He said "No! Of course not! We'll just go over into the other room and do it right now. We are not going to send you away empty handed on your first visit!" Isn't that awesome? He is a very friendly doctor. So we went into the next room, he did a quick ultrasound and said "Ah! There it is! 180 beats per minute. Perfect! Congratulations." I was so relieved to hear its little heart beating I almost started crying right there on the table. He printed off some pictures for me, said he would see me in a month, and that was it.

I am so excited! We told all of Mark's brothers and sisters yesterday. They are all really excited for us. They have been praying for us and fasting for us for years. They are a wonderful family to have. They are so supportive and loving. I am so glad to be a part of that family.

Anyway, I had better get going but I am so excited. I can't wait for these next three weeks to pass because then I will announce it to everyone :) I am due April 14. Perfect timing. Right at the end of the school year and right after Mark takes Step 1 of the medical board exam.

9-17-11

I had the most awesome realization yesterday. For some reason I thought that this Monday I would be only 10 weeks along and that I would have 3 more weeks in the first trimester. I do not know how I got a week off, I have been so meticulous about my calculations. But I will be 11 weeks on Monday. 10 weeks is essentially past. 10 weeks is where I miscarried last time. I have passed that mark. I have passed it and I am still pregnant. In fact, I heart the heartbeat in the middle of the 10th week and everything was fine that day. I am so relieved. I just want to cry.

I am so excited. I want to share my news now. I am ready for people to know. I am also a little nervous and scared. I am bringing a person into this world. I am bringing a person who will have his or her own agency. Who will have his or her own life. Who will make choices and have experiences different from my own. It is really humbling. And frightening. But I am going to love this person. I hope that I love this person as much as my mother and father loved me. I love my parents so much. I know what it is to be loved by a parent. I do not know what it is to love like a parent. I hope that I can give my child the best start in life that I possibly can. I want this child to know that their life is probably not going to be easy, but I will be here for this child. I will be here to guide and direct the child the best that I can. I will be here to help the child get on his or her feet when they fall down. I will be here to love the child when no one else seems to. How humbling. I hope I can live up to the expectations of the child, my Heavenly Father, and myself.

9-20-11

I am 11 weeks and 1 day but I have been having some funny twinges and cramping. It is very scary. I have already told a lot of people. I have told a handful of people at work, a handful of people at church, Mark's entire family, and my entire family. I don't want to have to un-tell them. I want to be a mother. I want this to work out. I have been counting on it now for a couple of months. I am just feeling nervous and scared and stressed and tired today. Will that make me a bad mother?

9-28-11

I don't know how to tell how many weeks I am. I thought I was 12 but now I think I am only 11. I wish the first trimester would just end. I told all my colleagues yesterday in a meeting and now several of my students know. I wish they didn't. I mean, I am glad I told them but when I told them I thought I was a week further on than I am. I still have three weeks left in this trimester. I was right in my calculations the first time. I still have three weeks left and not one. I want for these next three weeks to just fly by. 11 is much scarier to me than 12 for some reason. And 12 is much scarier than 13. I think when I get to a true 14 week pregnancy I will be feeling awesome. Now that so many people know I am just scared to miscarry. I am so scared in fact that I am already thinking of ways that I can tell my students. I would tell them I just had the baby too early and that the baby passed away because it was born too soon. I would e-mail all my friends and colleagues. And I would blog and facebook about it for everyone else. I do not know why I sabotage myself with these thoughts. I just don't want to have another miscarriage. I don't want to explain things to people. I just want to deliver a healthy child it 6 1/2 months. Mostly I feel peaceful about it in my heart when I pray. But I hope things continue in a positive way during this pregnancy. I have had lots of smiles and congratulations. I wish I could enjoy them more. I wish I could just take them and be happy and not so scared.

10-13-11

I had my second prenatal visit with my OB/GYN today. It went really well. I got to hear my baby's heart beating again. This time it was strong enough to hear with the doppler device instead of having to use an ultrasound. It was so sweet to hear its little heart beating. The longer I am pregnant the less worried I am about having a miscarriage. I think I am finally going to start enjoying it. I am already 1/3 of the way done with this pregnancy. Time has absolutely flown by! If this is how it is going to be for the rest of the time and then while I am raising my child I am just going to treasure these moments. I can't believe I am bringing a person into this world. It will have its own personality and wants and needs. It will have its own joys and sorrows. It is going to grow up and live in this world, just like I did and am doing. It is almost unfathomable to me. I just can't believe it. What will it be like? What kind of parent am I going to be? Am I going to make the right decisions? I'll admit I am scared. Being a parent is a lifetime commitment. I will be a mother for the rest of my life. I will get to take care of this person for the rest of my life. I hope that I do a good job. I hope that I can give this little person as wonderful a chance as my parents gave to me. And I hope this little person will love me too. I hope that this little person will stay close to family and God and make right choices. I hope that love will be strong and mutual and that we will grow in love and understanding as the years pass. You know, I am more afraid of having a wayward child than having a handicapped child. But fear is not from Heavenly Father and it is the opposite of faith. I know Heavenly Father will help me to do my very best and then I have to remember that my child has a will of his or her own and he or she will have to use that God given agency to make their own decisions.

But I digress. Today I heard my baby's heartbeat. And it was beautiful. I can't wait until I feel my baby moving around.

Start of the Year Blessing

Mark just gave me a blessing. He talked a lot about love in that blessing. Before he gave me the blessing I prayed the most sincere prayer unto the Lord that I have prayed in a long time. I felt like I was being totally honest with Him. I asked him to help me love my students as my own children. I asked him to help me be prepared and to work hard. I asked him to bless me that my pregnancy will be successful and result in a family for Mark and I. Then Mark gave me a blessing. He blessed me to love my students and those that I serve even if I don't always understand them or even if they are frustrating. He blessed me that I would understand them and where they are coming from in their lives. He told me to remember how many people love me and that if I get frustrated or upset to remember that I can always count on them for advice and help. He blessed me that I would be able to bear my anxieties and frustrations easily this year. He told me in my blessing that the Lord has been aware of me and has been watching me with all the children in my life this last year and that he has seen the great love I have had for them. I felt in my heart as he prayed that maybe the Lord had been testing me this year with so many children to see how I would react to them. I feel like I passed! Mark said I had been put in positions of trust with all those people and children and that the Lord knew how much I loved them and that he has been preparing me for motherhood. That is all he said about that. It was a really beautiful blessing. I really feel ready to go back to school now. In my prayer I asked the Lord to help me be able to help them be better people. I asked the Lord to help me be a role model to the children. I asked the Lord to help me help them be better musicians and that I could be a positive influence in their lives. I asked him to help me remember why I chose to teach. In my apprehension for the upcoming school year I think I forgot how much I love people and how much I love my colleagues and students. It is going to be a great year. I think it will be a hard year. Maybe harder than last year. But I am determined to love a lot and learn a lot no matter what and not let anything get me down. I was made for this job and the Lord has led me to it.

Another Failed Cycle

The worst part about these failed cycles is that they are a little painful. Maybe that is something I should mention to my doctor. Maybe it is a reason things keep failing. They are also emotionally painful. I have to move through the grief cycle every time I have a failed fertility cycle. Too many cycles.

At least Moses brings me comfort. He just came and sat down on my lap. I love my cat.

More Politics

I just saw on Fox news this statement:

"When will dems realize we have to stop spending?"

My response would be this:

"When will the GOP realize they alone do not represent the people of this nation. When will they begin compromising?"

It's My Blog and I'll Write Politically Charged Statements if I want to!

So basically I will write them here because I am too chicken to write them on facebook. I have a lot of very conservative friends and it is just not worth alienating them to post my true feelings and thoughts on facebook. I respect their views and I love them as people. I will therefore confine my political and social commentary to my own blog where they can choose to read it or not.

Let me just say that I am so frustrated with the Republican Congress! They continue to attempt to blame President Obama for being unyielding when it is they who will not budge! He has already committed what is akin to political suicide in his party by agreeing to huge spending cuts in entitlement programs. No democrat in their right mind would do that. He is definitely compromising with the republicans by agreeing to those giant cuts. It is THEY who will not budge on the fact that revenue needs to be increased. The fastest way to pay down the debts and balance the budget is to combine the republican desire to cut entitlement spending AND the democratic desire to increase taxes. I could just strangle Representative Bohner. He is incompetent and rude. I would never vote for him. Thank goodness he is not from my state. I would be ashamed.

I have no use for Tea Party activists. No one needs extremism. They are fracturing the republican party and if they think they can take an election I think they have another thing coming. There are too many moderate people left in this country and their right wing extremism is almost akin to those of the libertarian. They might as well join ranks. They are as bad for our country in their way as left wing extremists are. Extremism is not the answer and never has been.

AND I think President Obama is doing a fine job as president. He is better than Bush at any rate. What did Bush do? The national debt sky rocketed under his term. The recession started when HE was president. And he got us into huge wars with no end in sight. I am sorry but I cannot be convinced that Bush was a good president. He was a decent man but not a decent president. Sure Obama is not perfect. I 100% disagree with his overhaul of healthcare and I think it needs to be repealed. But overall I think he is trying to do right by the country and trying to be a strong leader and take us in a positive direction. Unless the republicans can come up with someone amazing, I am planning on voting for Obama again.

I'll admit. I voted for McCain in the last general election. And I TOTALLY regretted it! I am SO glad Obama won anyway. I think he is doing a good job given the fact that he came into the presidency at an extremely difficult time.

I know a lot of members of my church think that Mitt Romney could solve many of our problems and how great it would be for a member of the church to be in the presidency. But being a member of the church does not make your political views right and it does not automatically mean you will make a great president. So if Romney sweeps the republican nomination and it ends up being between Romney and Obama, all I am saying is that Romney will have to be pretty darn convincing because I already have a high opinion of Obama and I agree with where he is taking us.

There. I said it all. And it feels good. Because you know what? Since this is my blog I did not have to argue with anyone! I could just say what I wanted to say even though it might be FULL of logical fallacies. I love that. And if anyone leaves a comment I moderate them so if I don't like it I don't have to post it. But feel free to comment!

And if you disagree with any or all of what I have said, good for you! We are all entitled to our opinions and I hope we can still be friends! Just know that in company I will never talk about it because I simply have too much love and respect for my friends to want to argue and fight about it. So there you go.

Two Weeks

I am in another waiting period. I took all my medicines and all my shots and now I am waiting for two weeks to see if it all worked and whether or not I am pregnant. I really hope it works this time. I think I say that every time. I know for sure I ovulated. Now I am just hoping everything else works out just right too. I love the hopeful feeling I have during the first two weeks of my cycle. I do not love the anxiety of waiting during the second two weeks. I am still going to try and stay hopeful and imagine that it worked and that I am pregnant. If I am I will probably weep with happiness. If I am not then I will cry and feel angry and frustrated and then start everything all over again. So here's to hoping.

That Feeling

Do you know one of the things I love best about my husband? Somehow he has managed to keep me so in love with him that I still get that feeling when I see him or a picture of him. You know. That feeling. The one where your heart jumps a little bit and you get butterflies in your stomach. I don't have that feeling every minute of every day. That is something I love too. The love I have with him is deep, peaceful, and abiding. But I love that I still get that excited, butterfly feeling when I see him or a picture of him sometimes. He is both the man I met and fell in love with while also being so much more. I love him more than I can say. I am so grateful that he chose me to be his wife.

Ice Cream!

So Mark and I got this stellar ice cream recipe from his sister when we went to Florida last weekend. It is especially amazing because you do not need an ice cream maker for this recipe! It is fabulous. You melt some chocolate with sweetened condensed milk and a little vanilla and salt and then fold it into whipped up heavy whipping cream. The texture is like a premium ice cream. It is very rich and smooth and awesome tasting. And it doesn't require an ice cream maker!!!

The best part of the whole experience today was walking the 3 mile round trip to the grocery store in the unseasonably cool and comfortable weather. We held hands and talked about all sorts of things like politics and how we want to raise our children someday. We bought the ingredients, walked home, and made the ice cream.

After that we went to see Harry Potter 7.2 and it was AWESOME. We ate dinner with some friends at 5 guys then hopped over to the movie. When the awesomeness that was HP 7.2 was over we came home and enjoyed our fine ice cream before Mark when to the ED to shadow a doctor there. What a great day this has been.

Watching HP 7.2 was a little emotional. I started reading HP when I was 13 years old. This whole saga has been with me for the last 11 years. And it is over. But not really. Because the books are immortalized in print and the movies in film. It was bittersweet and I am so glad I got to be in the Potter generation and grow up with Harry Potter.

Life has been good to me. Mark Bailey. Harry Potter. Chocolate Ice Cream. Can it get any better?

My First Taste

So Mark is doing this summer research project for the Emergency Medicine Department. He got a grant for it so we had a little extra money to vacation with this summer. It has been wonderful. His working hours have been minimal and that little bit of extra cash helped us repair our car and go on some sweet mini-vacations this summer. Part of the program is that he is required to shadow (follow around and observe) his faculty adviser. His adviser is a little difficult to get a hold of and work with but they finally set up a time. He was supposed to go in on Thursday at midnight and shadow until 8:00 AM. I was nervous and anxious and a little sad. For the first time in medical school Mark was going to be away from me in the night.

As it turned out, his faculty adviser had to switch shifts with a colleague at the very last minute. Literally. He e-mailed Mark saying he would be there at 12:04 AM. That would be about 10 minutes after I dropped Mark off at the ED. I was really happy when Mark called me to turn right back around and pick him up. However, I knew it was just being postponed.

And now he is gone.

 He left at midnight and will be in the ED all night long. I have a feeling I will be experiencing a lot of these sorts of strange hours and lonely nights. I am a little sad. I will miss the regularity that a traditional school schedule brings. I am jealous of the time he will have to spend with patients, learning how to be a doctor and then actually being a doctor. I know he won't always have these crazy hours. In fact, this isn't even the real deal! He is just shadowing tonight. But I feel like I am getting my very first taste and it is a little bitter.

I feel confident that I will be able to handle this bitter medicine in large doses during some of his rotations and then especially during his residency. We have a wonderful relationship and I am a strong, independent woman. I actually like my alone time, but I know I will get way more of it than I want or need. But I can do this. I am just a little sad and lonely tonight.

The Grief Cycle

You know, the hardest part about this whole thing is having to go through the grief cycle. Every. Single. Month. The stability is

Not Yet

The two week waiting period is over. And the result is... not pregnant. I am pretty disappointed. I cried my tears this morning. There is a part of me that thinks: "Well, if THAT didn't work, what will? We tried everything and made sure to do it all right. Why didn't it work?!" But it just didn't. I guess now is not the time.

Sometimes I have a hard time having faith and believing in the Lord's timing. In my lack of faith I wonder, "I am just one person and this is just a little thing. Does he even really care?" I think it is hard to have faith sometimes because I know so many people who do not have to wait at all. They say "We want a baby in this month." They stop their version of birth control and it happens for them immediately. Does God have a hand in that? Why do THEY get to choose? Why don't I get to choose? It just does not seem fair. I know fair is not the same. I don't need to be preached to about that. I preach it often enough to my students. But it is hard to watch.

Needless to say this experience does not leave me with strengthened faith. If anything it probably did the opposite. And I am having strange pains in my lower abdomen so I am afraid I might have some cysts on my ovaries. I might just have to take a break for the next cycle, either forced because of the cysts or because I just might choose it for my own mental health.

To those of you who have had us in your prayers, thank you. I guess I would ask for you to pray maybe not that we'll have a baby, but that my faith will be restored. Maybe when the disappointment is less severe I will be able to be hopeful for the next time. But at least we know. And the waiting is over and that is a positive feeling. Waiting is the worst. But we'll have to do it a little longer.

The Best Summer Ever

I am having the best summer of my life. Here are the things I have done:

1. Hiked at Hanging Rock
2. Visited a roller coaster theme park, Carowinds and ate lunch at Chick-fil-A.
3. Went on a temple trip with the traditional IHOP lunch afterward
4. Went on a Spontaneous Car Ride that ended in chocolate truffles and sour cherry candies
5. Walked around Wake Forest
6. Visited Duke University (SO awesome looking!)
7. Visited my first pawn shop with Mark and bought 4 movies for $5.
8. Ordered Pizza just because we wanted to
9. Had an awesome shake from Cook Out Grill just because we felt like it
10. Made homemade freezer jam that ROCKS
11. Watched "Say Yes to the Dress" and "Hoarders" every day
12. Read "My Antonia" by Willa Cather
13. Made some awesome chicken recipe that is now a family favorite

Isn't that awesome? And here are the things that we are planning still to do this summer:

1. Going to the Epcot Center at Disney World!
2. Going to visit the Tharps and the fabulous Floridian beaches (possible snorkling!)
3. Camping and Canoeing at Hanging Rock
4. Creating awesome 4th of July Food
5. Watching Harry Potter 7 pt. 2!
6. Go-karting
7. Celebrating Mark's Birthday!
8. Going to the zoo at Asheboro
9. Visiting Charleston (maybe... we might be too tired! or out of vacation money!)

Doesn't that sound awesome? I am seriously having the best summer of my life. I am so relaxed and peaceful and it feels great. We are getting some much needed repairs done on our house and hopefully we'll get one more done before we leave. I am roasting as I write this because our AC unit broke. I actually called about the unit this last week because I felt like it wasn't working as it should. The guy said nothing was wrong. Well. At least I have the consolation of being right. There definitely was something wrong because now it is broken. So I am annoyed and hot, but still having the summer of my life.

On a more serious note Mark and I are trying to start our family and I am having some serious fertility treatments done this summer. I am thankful that we are doing all sorts of fun things to keep my mind off of it all. We sure hope that these treatments result in a successful pregnancy but we also have faith in the Lord's timing and know that all things will work together for our good.

And one final thing. I would like to announce that there have been NO cockroaches yet this year. Hooray! After the war I waged last summer I am thankful to not have seen any of my creepy little enemies hanging around. Hopefully they will stay away!

Happy Summer!