We've all heard the old adage "Don't judge someone until you've walked a mile in their shoes." Mostly I've tried to live by that my whole life. My mom is one of the least judgmental people I've ever met. She has this remarkable ability to love people and just let them be what they are while still maintaining her own position on many issues both moral, social, and political. My entire life I would watch her from a distance just listen to people and give nieces and nephews "The Aunt Paula Talk." It was remarkable. I still don't know quite how she does it. It's like she can just channel God's love for everyone from Him through her to them no matter how they choose to live. Anyway. I've tried to be like that-- I have a long way to go but I like to think I do okay most of the time.
It's 2:30 AM. I'm so tired and I just want to sleep but I can't. I took a sleep aid hours ago to see if it would help. It didn't. My anxiety is through the roof right now (not sure why-- but I know the thought of chasing after a toddler on no sleep tomorrow is part of it) and my lower back is killing me. It doesn't matter if I am sitting, standing, or lying down. It is simply too painful to sleep through tonight even with tylenol. My husband and I don't sleep in the same bed right now (which is incredibly disheartening and depressing to me) because for the last few weeks I've been waking up 4, 5, 6 times a night just to turn over and then I can't get back to sleep because he is congested and snoring from seasonal allergies. So he sleeps in the spare room to try to help me out.
I'm exhausted. I'm anxious and depressed. I don't feel good. I sat up in bed after lying there for 3 hours and just started to cry and I said out loud "I just don't want to be pregnant anymore. I don't like this." And if felt good to say it out loud. It felt good to admit it. Because here is the thing-- I felt/feel guilty for feeling this way. Here is why:
It took me several years to get pregnant the first time. Watching everyone around me have children during my childless years was hard. It was embarrassing and difficult for me to sit through labor stories. I really did not like to hear anyone complain about being pregnant or having children. I would think, "I would go through all that and more if I could be a mom. You just don't know how hard it is NOT to have kids. If you did, you wouldn't be complaining." And you know what? They probably didn't. I usually politely excused myself when conversations like that came up.
But guess who didn't understand how incredibly difficult being pregnant and having kids is? That's right-- me. My first pregnancy was a breeze. Minor back pain was all the suffering I had and I relished it because I knew I was going to be a mom. This pregnancy has been SO different: morning sickness, serious back pain, insomnia. In a word it has been hard. And tonight I just don't want to do it anymore.
I DO know how difficult it is not to have children. I now know how difficult it is to be pregnant and a parent at the same time. I wrongfully judged many women who complained about their difficult pregnancies and childrearing. I had not walked a mile in their shoes. But now I've walked more than a mile. WAY more. And I'm sorry for the judgmental thoughts I had. And I am thankful and incredibly amazed by my wonderful friends who held off talking about parenting and difficult pregnancies when they knew how difficult the subject was for me. They were incredible. I don't know how they did it. I love them for it (you know who you are). Thank you.
That old adage has never felt truer than it has tonight. If you're struggling with infertility I feel for you. It is SO hard. If you're struggling with pregnancy and young children I feel for you. It is also incredibly difficult in a completely different way. Let's all embrace one another wherever we are in our life's journey and buoy each other up no matter what difficult circumstances we find ourselves in-- because you truly can't judge a person until you've walked a mile in their shoes.
