Being Fair

I love going to the website feministmormonhousewives.org. I go probably once a month or so when I find that my house is clean, my baby is asleep, and my husband is otherwise occupied. I go there because it always makes me think. It forces me to mentally defend my points of view. I read it and think of what I would say in response. I do not ever feel eloquent enough to actually leave a comment but I do start thinking, which is always good. And I nearly always come to the same conclusion: I am not a feminist. Plain and simple. At least not in the way that many of the commenters and posters are.

I am often led to other articles and blogs written by people identifying themselves as feminist, post-mormon, or both.

Today my issue is this:

I read one blog where a woman blamed all her weakness and unhappiness in life on Mormonism and its doctrines of inequality, blind obedience, and unfairness.

I read another blog where a man commended his mother and sisters for being such strong women and commended the church for encouraging them to be ambitious, educated, and articulate and for helping them develop leadership skills. In a response to this article one person said "His mother was empowered by something other than the church. That was her personality and the personality and privileges she was able to give to her daughters. The church did not do ANY of that."

In my opinion personality probably played into both of those experiences but the church did too.
One commenter said this: "It seems strange to blame the church's bad issues in regards to women for the weakness of its women without also acknowledging that the church's strengths in regards to women result in some positive."

I couldn't agree more. It is not fair to allow some people to blame all their personal issues on the church and agree with them and say "Oh yes. That terrible institution. Look what it has done to you," while at the same time dismissing someone for crediting the church with helping them to be successful by saying "Oh no. It couldn't have been the church. It was all just you being special. Don't credit that institution for inspiring you."

In both cases I am sure the church had something to do with it. The church can have both an incredibly positive influence on one person's life and a negative influence on another person's life. It is about perspective and through which lens you choose to look at your life. Looking through one lens I believe the church could be very mentally and emotionally damaging. Looking through another lens I believe the church could be very inspiring and emotionally uplifting. It depends on what you choose to see.

However-- don't judge someone for looking at the church through a different lens than you, regardless of which lens it is. Don't dismiss their judgements and opinions because they differ from yours. Ostracizing and judging someone as wicked who walks away from the church won't help them come back. Belittling someone who believes and calling them foolish and blind won't turn them away from the church. All those things do is harm friendships and damage love. There is a wonderful primary song that goes something like this:

Jesus said love everyone. Treat them kindly too. When your heart is filled with love, others will love you.

Maybe my "live and let live" attitude is a product of my generation. Tolerance seems to be the buzz word of my generation. Maybe it is just part of who I am. But I believe in life you have to be as fair as you can. I am sorry to the person who feels the church has done harm. I sincerely hope you find happiness in your new path. I am happy for the person who feels the church has been a strength the them. May you continue to find peace and happiness on your current path.

I believe Mormonism has been good for me and I choose to continue down that path. I love the church. I do. And though I harbor my doubts about many things (especially in regards to early church history) the best thing Mormonism has done for me is to help me discover, develop, and cultivate my relationship with a loving Heavenly Father and his perfect son, Jesus Christ. Period. It has also given me many good principles on which to build my life. It has given me hope when I have been in despair. It has been a light in my darkest hour. And for that I will forever be thankful to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

"It's official... I have a diamond."

Yep. Those were the words in a text message email I got from my mom today. She always means to send a text to me and always ends up sending me an email. I didn't actually see the message until after she called.

I said "Hello?" and she said "It's official. I have a diamond."

Same message. I got it twice. I never in my entire life thought I would be congratulating my own mother on her engagement. Weird.

I'm happy for her. Really. I am happy. I would have been sadder if things had not worked out to tell you the truth. She is lonely. She needs someone in her life to confide in and take care of her and the guy she has chosen seems to fit the bill. I'm glad he will be there for her.

Actually, to tell you the truth I don't feel much of anything. The emptiness I have felt since the death of my sister is still painfully present in my life. And my mom getting engaged kind of exacerbated that tonight. Because guess who I wanted to call and gossip about my mom getting engaged with? You guessed it: Liz. I wanted to call her and tell her exactly how I feel about it. I wanted to laugh with her and joke with her and commiserate with her and plan how we were going to get through the next long while with a step-father with her. But I can't. Because she is gone. She is with my real father. Oh how I miss them so.

Mom is getting married in the spring. Those are just words to me. My life will go on. Her life will go on. And they will be mostly separate as they have been since I left home 7.5 years ago.

I miss my dad. I miss my sister. I am sick. I am exhausted of traveling (with one more cross country trip to go.)

I just feel drained: emotionally, physically, and mentally. I have no desire or energy to feel anything. Right now I am mostly getting through my days one at a time.

2011 was a fantastic year for me. It was fun. It was exciting. It was a year full of hope and happiness. I thought 2012 would be the best year of my life because I was going to deliver my baby in 2012 and things were just going to be great. That was definitely one of the happiest moments in my life, no question. But 2012 ranks right up there with 2009 (year my dad died) as one of the most difficult years of my life.

Being a parent is one of the hardest things I have ever done. I had serious postpartum depression and had to be medicated for it. Adjusting to being a stay-at-home mom has been incredibly difficult for me (though absolutely worth it! I wouldn't trade being home with Austin for anything on earth or in heaven.) I miss my students and my coworkers. I miss my job. I have traveled across the country 5 times in the last 4 months. My sister is dead from childbirth. I am worried about the well-being of my family in Utah. And finally: my mom is engaged to a man who is not my father.

*sigh* 2012 has definitely been a year of growth. It is one of those make you or break you years. But you know what? God has been good to me. I have so much to be thankful for. Today we made our thankful advent chains. We write down 25 things we are grateful for on the Monday after Thanksgiving, make a little paper chain out of them, hang them with our stockings, and then re-read them each day leading up to Christmas. I have never been able to write down so many so fast. I was done in 10 minutes and when I was done I just kept going on verbally to Mark about specific things I was thankful for.

Why is it that during the hard times there seem to be more things to be thankful for? I think it is all about perspective.

P.S. One of the links in my thankful chain says "I am thankful for a mother who loved me, was patient with me, gave me advice, and sang me lullabies." Love you mom. Congratulations from the bottom of my heart. 

Austin's 7 Month Update

7 months. Where in the world has the time gone? I feel like I was just barely telling everyone I was pregnant and here I am, a year later, with a 7 month old baby. He is getting so big! I can't believe how quickly the time is passing. I love him more every day that passes because I get to know him better. It is sort of like being married. (Speaking of which, my 5 year anniversary is this week!)

On my wedding day I thought there was no one in the temple that day as in love as I was with Mark. Little did I know that pretty much everyone in there loved their spouse more than I did. Well, maybe not more. I think a better word would probably be deeper. Everyone there had a deeper and more established love than I had. But I don't know... maybe more is the right word because I feel like I love Mark so much more 5 years later than I even did when I married him and that is saying something!

It has been the same way with my Austin boy. I loved him so much when I was pregnant with him. Then I loved him even more when he was born. And each day that passes my love for him grows and deepens. He is such a special boy and I love him more deeply than words can express.

Okay, now for the update:

Weight: 18.1 lbs (50%)

Height: 26.75 in (40%)

Head: 18.25 in (95%)

My dear boy is perfectly average in weight and height but my goodness does he have a big head! But you know what? His cheeks totally fit his head and they are incredibly fat and kissable. I love them :) The doctor said not to worry. He'll grow into his head :)

Austin's big news is that he can sit up all by himself. It is fun to watch him sit up opposite of Mark and watch them play together. I think it is probably one of Mark's favorite things to do. 

Austin's other big news is mobility. My goodness can that boy roll. He is about as roly-poly as they come. I can no longer set him down and expect him to be there when I come back. He rolls all the way across rooms and wiggles like a little worm to get at the toys he wants. I am amazed at the places he manages to get himself. Yesterday I found him under a kitchen chair. I am not sure how that happened but it did.

Austin fake coughs to get attention. It is pretty funny actually. Other sounds he makes include a very high pitched scream or just a normal scream (when he is happy.) He also does this little pa-pa-pff-pff sound with his lips. It is super cute. That is one of his dad's favorite sounds he makes :)

Austin has officially grown out of his sink bathtub and he now takes his baths in the big boy (normal size) bathtub. He LOVES it. He just kicks and kicks and splashes and splashes. It is so cute!

Austin is finally showing an interest in Moses... Moses had better watch out!

Austin loves toys and he loves to grab anything within in reach. He especially loves to bang toys on any available surface. He will just grab something and bang it and bang it and then do the same thing with something else or just his hands. It is fun to watch him do it for long periods of time. He is really good at entertaining himself already.

Austin is as great a sleeper as ever-- 12 hours at night and 3 naps during the day. He doesn't like to be held or rocked to sleep though. He just likes to be put in his crib. I knew this day would come, which is why I held him and rocked him to sleep so much when he was a little baby. I don't regret doing it one bit now that he doesn't need me any more for that particular thing!

Some of my favorite moments are going to get Austin when he wakes up in the morning or from his naps. He is just so smiley and happy. Mark and I compete for who gets to go get him. Sometimes we race into his room because we want to be the one to get that first big smile. What a sweetie.

Another one of my favorite moments has become somewhat of a tradition for Mark and me. Every night before we go to bed we quietly open Austin's door and watch him sleeping. It is so tender and sweet to just watch that sweet baby rest. We do it because we love him so much and also to remind ourselves that this is real. Sometimes it is just so awesome being parents that it doesn't seem like it can be real.

But it is :)

It's Over

The election is finally over.

I am relieved that it is over.

I am disappointed that Mitt Romney didn't win.

I believe we are in for 4 more years of pretty much the same: a weak president and a divided congress.

I don't think a whole lot is going to get done on capitol hill except for a great deal of bickering.

I think Barack Obama is a good man who does what he thinks is best for the country even if disagree with him.

Even though I didn't vote for him now is time for me to get behind my president and support him in the office he is in.

In all the honesty of my heart I can say "Great fight Mitt Romney," and "Congratulations, best of luck, and you have my support, President Obama."

A Thousand Words are Worth a Picture

This is a long one. Mostly it is for me to read later on when I am sad and lonely for my husband, but please feel free to read or skim or skip it altogether. Like I said, mostly for me :)

I had the most fabulous weekend... and I didn't take any pictures. So I'll just have to recreate the scene with words. I'll definitely use more that 1000... but I would have taken more than one picture if I had had my camera with me :) I normally have my camera everywhere I go, but I didn't this weekend. And to tell you the truth there was nothing that was particularly picture worthy. It was a perfectly ordinary weekend that felt extraordinary and fabulous because it has been so long sing I had an ordinary weekend.

Friday night we went on a fabulous double date. We dropped Austin off at a babysitter's house (THANK YOU KAREN!) and met another couple at their house for a date. They fed us a wonderful stew and then we all went downtown to view some art galleries and eat some frozen custard. It was delightful. Apparently on the first Friday of every month they open up a bunch of little art galleries on Trade Street for you to just walk through and enjoy. Mark and I love art so it was fabulous for us to get to see some. We haven't been to an art gallery since we left BYU.

Saturday was the best day ever. It just was. We got so much done that needed to be done and spent the entire day together as a family. It really was nothing extraordinary that made it special. What made it special was that we were together in our own home and community simply enjoying a beautiful fall day as a family.

We voted. We had to do it early because Mark forgot to register before the deadline so we had to early vote so he could register/vote all in one go. (Do your civic duty and go vote on Tuesday!!) It felt amazing. I had researched all the candidates for all the offices on the ballot and made my selections before voting. It took me a few hours but it was totally worth it.

After we voted we went and washed the car for the first time in over a year. Don't judge. Mark washed it in the car wash while I sat in the backseat and fed Austin some squash. It was fun.

Mark then dropped me off at Wal-Mart to start the grocery shopping while he and Austin went to Lowe's to get plastic to cover our terribly drafty windows. Mark later said it felt awesome to go into Lowe's with just Austin because it reminded him of all the Saturdays he would go with his dad to the home improvement store. To him this was the first of many Saturdays to come when he will get to bond with our son in that way. They finished first and met me at Wal-Mart where we finished shopping together. Austin was such a champ and just kept smiling and smiling at Mark. Mark usually doesn't like grocery shopping with me but Austin was such a charmer that he actually really enjoyed it. It was just delightful.

We are working on cleaning out old clothes and junk from our house right now. We had a couple of bags of stuff to take to the Salvation Army. So after Wal-Mart we dropped by the Salvo to drop off our stuff. We drove around back, dropped it off, and were just going to go home because Austin had fallen asleep. However. Back story really fast:

When I was about 13 my dad got an inheritance from his great-uncle who died. It was something like $2000. He spent most of it on an HDTV. Now remember that was well over 10 years ago. It has a flat screen and it is HD, but it is not a flat screen if you know what I mean. It is basically a first generation HDTV so it is a tube TV. It is massive. This TV weighs probably close to 150 lbs. It is a monster. It has a great picture and it has great sound, but it just big.

After my dad died my mom didn't want it anymore. It reminded her too much of him. So she gave it to Mark and me, but she didn't give us the beautiful wooden TV stand they had purchased to hold it. She still liked that piece of furniture and had other uses for it in mind. It is a really nice TV so despite its size we hauled it all the way across the country when we moved. 

 We never did buy a TV stand for it. We just sort of balanced it on an end table with very spindly legs that we also inherited from my parents. It wasn't really stable, but we didn't have kids, and people with kids didn't come to our house very often. As long as you didn't really touch it or wobble the table or TV it was good. Whenever we did have kids over we made sure to tell them and their parents not to touch it so it wouldn't fall on them. Seriously. It is so big that if it did fall on a child it would kill them or injure them really, really badly. 

Well. Now we have a baby. And guess what? Baby is mobile. He isn't crawling yet but he can roll and wiggle from one end of the room to the other to get what he wants. And he loves to grab and pull and yank on just about everything within reach. Those spindly legs are perfect for little hands to grab. I have seriously had nightmares about Austin grabbing the TV or the table the TV sat on and it falling on him and crushing him. It is that pointy and heavy. It doesn't even bear thinking about really. 

So I have been looking on craigslist for over a year for a legit stand for our TV so that Austin can't pull it onto himself and die. Nothing has come up. I found one or two that seemed promising but they were either too small, too expensive, too far away, or came with a junk TV that I didn't want to haul around. 

Okay, back story complete. We were driving past the front of the Salvation Army when I said "I would love to just pop in there and see if they have a TV but Austin is asleep." Normally we would have just driven on but being his awesome husband self Mark offered to run in really fast and see if there just happened to be anything. I told him to call me if there was anything, but if not, just to come right back out. I went to turn the car around thinking that Mark would probably be back out in just a minute but he wasn't. He stayed inside... so I called him. I asked him if there was anything and he said "Well, there is something actually." So I parked the car and carried the baby in. And guess what was sitting in the furniture section for $13? The exact same size and version of our TV (only a few years older) and the stand that Sony built to go with it. We couldn't believe it. We asked if we could just take the stand. They said if you give us $9.99 you can take it today. $10. TEN DOLLARS!!!!!!

So we bought it and took it home and set up our TV on it. It doesn't wiggle at all. It is in excellent condition with all the original parts and shelves. No dents. No scratches. A perfect fit. And because it is the same shape as the bottom of our TV it doesn't cover up the vent our TV sits next to. It is beautiful and it actually really adds to the beauty of our living room I think. We were also able to set up part of Mark's sound system for the first time since we moved here because of the extra storage in our new stand.

$10. Seriously? That thing originally retailed for over $200.

So beyond having a perfect day it ended with an incredibly fortunate purchase that not only looks beautiful but is now safe for my sweet baby.

After we set up the new TV stand (and I hopped over to the airport to pick up a friend and her kiddos) we put up new curtains in our dining room and rearranged the furniture a bit in our living room and dining room.

The day ended with eating an ice cream cone on the couch as we admired our somewhat new surroundings. It was a perfect day in every single way. I couldn't have asked for better.

Grief

You know, everyone handles grief differently. I sort of wish I was the kind of person who worked out like a maniac to get out all of my pent up anger and grief out. Unfortunately I am the sort of person who... well... eats. And I mean really eats.

When I am depressed I eat and eat and eat and don't go to the gym at all.

Since my sister died I have been more depressed, anxious, and worried than I have ever been in the course of my life. And so I have been eating. And eating. And eating. And... well you get the picture.

I gained 4.8 pounds in two weeks. Normally I round out my numbers but I just couldn't bring myself to put 5 when it was only 4.8.

I feel it in my face, on my back, and around my waist. It is not a very nice feeling. My clothes don't fit. I don't feel good about myself. So I get more depressed. And I eat some more. And my self talk is "Well, you better eat all you want today because you need to start your diet tomorrow." Seriously. I say that to myself every single day. And with an attitude like that I have just been gaining and gaining.

I think I am ready to stop. I guess what I am really saying is that I need to stop whether I think I am ready to or not. I can't wait for next month to start. I can't wait for next week to start. I can't even wait for tomorrow to start. I need to start right now, at 1:15 PM on Friday afternoon. I need to start with my next snack or my next meal.

So here it goes. I am going to push publish and I am going to track my calories and I am going to go to the gym tomorrow (because I don't have the car today, not because I don't want to!)

Think good thoughts for me!

If She Were Here

I address this to my sister as if she were here. God lets people read blogs in heaven, right?

Dear Liz,

I went to Target for the first time by myself yesterday. I kind of know what people are talking about when they say they like it so much. It is kind of cool. It is like Wal-Mart except the atmosphere is way better and it isn't as dirty.

Of course I was wandering around the baby section. Mostly I was looking for a costume for Austin... buuutt I guess most people buy their kids' costumes before Halloween. There was nothing. BUT I did wander past the Baby Mum-Mums!

I had totally forgotten about those! They totally reminded me of you. I remember when I nannied for Abby for those six weeks when she was about a year old how you always had them and how you swore by them. You told me she loved them and that if she was ever fussing to give her one and she would be happy. You knew her so well.

Anyway I bought a box for Austin thinking of you. I gave him his first one out in the car and he LOVED it. He just chowed down on his second one a few minutes ago. He is teething and he loves the texture. He is always a little surprised when it runs out... :)

I couldn't help but think of you. Every time I see the box I think of you. It actually makes me kind of sad. I miss you so much. I miss talking to you. I miss calling you. I miss how funny you were. I miss all your advice. You were seriously the best big sister I could have asked for. You were smart and sassy and wise and no one understood me better when I would complain about mom's new boyfriend or about infertility or about struggles in my marriage. I will miss you forever. I love you. I'd get more mushy but I know that that isn't really your style. Love you sister.

Love,
Amanda