Saturday, June 25, 2011
Ouch
I just had a medical procedure done to increase my chances of pregnancy. And it hurt really badly. And I was awake and crying the whole time. I am too tired to say much but if you read this please pray that this attempt or the next will be successful. I don't want to have to do this anymore. I can feel the faith of those who are already praying for me. It is amazing. I hope that everyone gets the chance to feel the faith of others in your behalf. I have felt it twice: once when my dad died and right now. It is like I do not have enough faith of my own but I can feel the faith of others and so it makes it ok that my faith is less than perfect. It is a wonderful feeling. But if you could keep praying I would really appreciate it.
Monday, June 20, 2011
Working Too Well!
I went to the doctor today to check up on how my follicles are growing. A normal woman develops 1 or 2 on her own and then releases them as eggs during ovulation to be fertilized. Well, without the medicine I don't make any, or if I do they are never released. They just stick to the ovary as a cyst or they dissolve.
I am excited to say that the medicine is working so well that I have NINE follicles growing. NINE. Nine big follicles almost ready for ovulation. Yikes. I am really happy that my body is responding so well to the medication but unfortunately nine is simply too many. They are not quite the right size. They are still a little too small. So for the next four nights per my doctor's instructions I will inject only half of the amount of medication I have been up to this point. We are hoping that will only be enough medication to get three or four of them to finish growing.
If three or four finish growing, I'll inject what they call a trigger shot of hCG to induce ovulation and attempt to get pregnant. If all nine continue to develop there are several (EXPENSIVE) options:
1. Call this cycle a wash and wait until the next cycle, using smaller amounts of medication from day one. This is the cheapest option because all it costs is what we have already paid for in medication. It would be a big disappointment, but it may be our only option.
2. Have Dr. Y go in and remove a few of the follicles and do artificial insemination at the same time for the few that are remaining. This is the most expensive option (somewhere in the ballpark of $1500) and freeze the extra eggs (at no cost to me-- the freezing part).
3. Go ahead with the hCG shot and if multiple eggs are fertilized go in and take a few out and discard them. Does that sound like elective abortion of some of the fetuses to you? It should. Because that is what it is. We won't go this route. Not an option. But the nurse did tell me about it today anyway.
4. Take our chances and maybe have quintuplets or more. This isn't a realistic option either. I am simply too small for something like this. Mark won't even consider this one.
But those are the options if all nine follicles continue to develop. We are really hoping that over the next four days only 3-5 of them continue. Otherwise we might just have to wait and try again next month. But hey, at least the medication is working so far! I could have other problems if I do get pregnant. I might not have the ability to carry to term but I am just going to be thankful for the medication and technology that has gotten us this far.
I am excited to say that the medicine is working so well that I have NINE follicles growing. NINE. Nine big follicles almost ready for ovulation. Yikes. I am really happy that my body is responding so well to the medication but unfortunately nine is simply too many. They are not quite the right size. They are still a little too small. So for the next four nights per my doctor's instructions I will inject only half of the amount of medication I have been up to this point. We are hoping that will only be enough medication to get three or four of them to finish growing.
If three or four finish growing, I'll inject what they call a trigger shot of hCG to induce ovulation and attempt to get pregnant. If all nine continue to develop there are several (EXPENSIVE) options:
1. Call this cycle a wash and wait until the next cycle, using smaller amounts of medication from day one. This is the cheapest option because all it costs is what we have already paid for in medication. It would be a big disappointment, but it may be our only option.
2. Have Dr. Y go in and remove a few of the follicles and do artificial insemination at the same time for the few that are remaining. This is the most expensive option (somewhere in the ballpark of $1500) and freeze the extra eggs (at no cost to me-- the freezing part).
3. Go ahead with the hCG shot and if multiple eggs are fertilized go in and take a few out and discard them. Does that sound like elective abortion of some of the fetuses to you? It should. Because that is what it is. We won't go this route. Not an option. But the nurse did tell me about it today anyway.
4. Take our chances and maybe have quintuplets or more. This isn't a realistic option either. I am simply too small for something like this. Mark won't even consider this one.
But those are the options if all nine follicles continue to develop. We are really hoping that over the next four days only 3-5 of them continue. Otherwise we might just have to wait and try again next month. But hey, at least the medication is working so far! I could have other problems if I do get pregnant. I might not have the ability to carry to term but I am just going to be thankful for the medication and technology that has gotten us this far.
Friday, June 17, 2011
What's not to love?
Not only is he incredibly handsome, he is also smart, funny, ambitious, hard working, worthy, and pretty much awesome in every way imaginable. I don't even have the words to say how awesome he is and how much I love him. I truly am the most blessed woman alive. Thank you Heavenly Father for blessing me to be married in this life to this man. I love him more than anything.
Illustration of his awesomeness:
He can't help with my nightly injections but he gets everything ready and sits with me while I do it and then has a band-aid ready to put on the injection site. He is super supportive. I love my sweetheart!
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
A Drug Addict? Nope. Just Infertility.
Yesterday a very special box came in the mail. I was incredibly concerned about the cost of that very special box so I asked Mark to open the box before I got home and check the invoice. The first words out of his mouth
"You look like a drug addict!"
And when I got home and saw the box for myself I can totally see why he would say that.
Inside the box was a big package of needles, syringes, alcohol pads, a sharps container, instructions about how to poke yourself and two different kinds of injectable drugs. Wow. But it was only $155, thank goodness!
It is my fertility medication! Every night for the next six nights I inject myself with a drug called menopur and take 3 pills of femara to go along with it. That is on top of the metformin that I already take twice a day. Wow. Lots of medicine. Then, on Monday, I will go and get an ultrasound to make sure my ovaries are doing the right thing. Then I will either continue the menopur for a few more days or start myself on ANOTHER injectable drug. Or just quit altogether.Whew. It is a lot to keep track of. But thank goodness I have an awesome nurse (named Amanda actually, what a coincidence!) who is helping me keep track of everything.
I am actually quite scared. I just want it to work so badly that I am afraid it will be a huge disappointment if it doesn't. I shed a few tears last night but my wonderful husband gave me a big hug and told me he was so proud of me for being such a brave person. I have the best, most loving husband in the world.
It is about that time again. Injection time I mean. If you are the praying kind of person please remember us in your prayers.
"You look like a drug addict!"
And when I got home and saw the box for myself I can totally see why he would say that.
Inside the box was a big package of needles, syringes, alcohol pads, a sharps container, instructions about how to poke yourself and two different kinds of injectable drugs. Wow. But it was only $155, thank goodness!
It is my fertility medication! Every night for the next six nights I inject myself with a drug called menopur and take 3 pills of femara to go along with it. That is on top of the metformin that I already take twice a day. Wow. Lots of medicine. Then, on Monday, I will go and get an ultrasound to make sure my ovaries are doing the right thing. Then I will either continue the menopur for a few more days or start myself on ANOTHER injectable drug. Or just quit altogether.Whew. It is a lot to keep track of. But thank goodness I have an awesome nurse (named Amanda actually, what a coincidence!) who is helping me keep track of everything.
I am actually quite scared. I just want it to work so badly that I am afraid it will be a huge disappointment if it doesn't. I shed a few tears last night but my wonderful husband gave me a big hug and told me he was so proud of me for being such a brave person. I have the best, most loving husband in the world.
It is about that time again. Injection time I mean. If you are the praying kind of person please remember us in your prayers.
Friday, June 10, 2011
My Blessing
I wrote this down on August 24, 2010. It was the day before school started. I did not post it because it was sacred and I did not feel like posting it. But in light of the post I just wrote I feel like now would be an awesome time to post this. This is the blessing Mark gave me right before I met my students for the first time. Read the next post I made about the school year ending. I cannot believe how perfectly this blessing matches what happened to me during the school year. God is good. He is aware of me. He truly blessed me with these things. It is incredible. I am so thankful for a loving Heavenly Father and his Son, Jesus Christ:
Mark gave me a blessing tonight. I am starting school tomorrow. I am so nervous/excited/anxious/scared. I have been thinking about this day for a really long time. I almost started crying in front of my mentor teacher today. I feel like I have been running around like a chicken with my head cut off. This is what Mark said in my blessing. He blessed me that I would love the children. He blessed me that I would see how valuable they are to my Heavenly Father. He blessed me to find time to spend with Mark and to attend to my duties at church. He told me that hard times would come and that during those hard times I should turn to my Heavenly Father and ask for his wisdom and guidance in those hard times. He told me that Heavenly Father knows that I have the abilities and skills to succeed. He told me not to let worry and stress keep me from loving the students. I think that is mostly everything. I think I might need to refer back to this a few times during the year. I don't want to forget it. I am so scared of failure. But I shouldn't be. Because I can do this. I can be successful. I can love those children. I can help them see who they can become. I can help them find happiness and relief. I can do this thing. I know I can. *deep breath* Here we go.
Mark gave me a blessing tonight. I am starting school tomorrow. I am so nervous/excited/anxious/scared. I have been thinking about this day for a really long time. I almost started crying in front of my mentor teacher today. I feel like I have been running around like a chicken with my head cut off. This is what Mark said in my blessing. He blessed me that I would love the children. He blessed me that I would see how valuable they are to my Heavenly Father. He blessed me to find time to spend with Mark and to attend to my duties at church. He told me that hard times would come and that during those hard times I should turn to my Heavenly Father and ask for his wisdom and guidance in those hard times. He told me that Heavenly Father knows that I have the abilities and skills to succeed. He told me not to let worry and stress keep me from loving the students. I think that is mostly everything. I think I might need to refer back to this a few times during the year. I don't want to forget it. I am so scared of failure. But I shouldn't be. Because I can do this. I can be successful. I can love those children. I can help them see who they can become. I can help them find happiness and relief. I can do this thing. I know I can. *deep breath* Here we go.
And just like that...
the year is over. Wow. I am done. I am completely finished with teaching in my first year as a choir teacher at Reidsville Middle School. I have four more teacher workdays, but those don't really count since I will not be teaching, just hanging out and organizing and watching movies and listening to music.
I can't believe it. I can't believe it is over. It was kind of anti-climatic because the last two weeks of school the schedule was crazy with all the state mandated testing. I hardly saw my students these last few weeks. I wish I could have said a better goodbye. I wish I could have sent them off with all my love. And I tried. But it felt strange because there was a part of me that was in disbelief that the year is over. Next year I think I will read them a story or a poem to express my words. Next year I think I want to write each student a little note.
Right now I am in denial I think that the year is over, but I can feel the excitement building. 7 weeks off!!! Yay!!!
I will miss my kids. I really will. I LOVED THEM! There were hard days where I cried myself out in my classroom. There were moments I got so angry with students I was literally shaking with rage. But this year has been wonderful. My students were not the best performers in the county, state, or country. We made lots of mistakes together. But I loved them. And I think they knew it. And I am glad they knew it. They loved me too. I know next year is going to be even better than this year. Performance ability is important. But what is more important is love. I learned that this year. I was disappointed in myself for not helping them to be better performers than they became. But they are only in middle school and I am only a first year teacher. And we had fun together and we learned things together and we loved each other. Love is what got me through the year. It wasn't as musical as I wanted it to be. It wasn't as perfect as I wanted it to be. But I loved my students as much as I wanted to love them. And they are wonderful people and they are going to be wonderful adults and I am so happy for them. I just want them to take the bull by the horns and show the world what they are made of.
There is no awesome way to end this. I am sad. I am happy. I am excited. I am nervous (for next year). I can't wait to see my students grow up and become something wonderful. Being a teacher is the best. It is hard. There are lots of tears and sweat (seriously, I started using the prescription strength stuff this year because I got so nervous I sweated like CRAZY!) but thankfully no blood (that will be Mark's job!).
I am relieved. I am peaceful. I am excited. I love my job. I love my students. I love my life.
Welcome summer!!!!! YAY!!!!
I can't believe it. I can't believe it is over. It was kind of anti-climatic because the last two weeks of school the schedule was crazy with all the state mandated testing. I hardly saw my students these last few weeks. I wish I could have said a better goodbye. I wish I could have sent them off with all my love. And I tried. But it felt strange because there was a part of me that was in disbelief that the year is over. Next year I think I will read them a story or a poem to express my words. Next year I think I want to write each student a little note.
Right now I am in denial I think that the year is over, but I can feel the excitement building. 7 weeks off!!! Yay!!!
I will miss my kids. I really will. I LOVED THEM! There were hard days where I cried myself out in my classroom. There were moments I got so angry with students I was literally shaking with rage. But this year has been wonderful. My students were not the best performers in the county, state, or country. We made lots of mistakes together. But I loved them. And I think they knew it. And I am glad they knew it. They loved me too. I know next year is going to be even better than this year. Performance ability is important. But what is more important is love. I learned that this year. I was disappointed in myself for not helping them to be better performers than they became. But they are only in middle school and I am only a first year teacher. And we had fun together and we learned things together and we loved each other. Love is what got me through the year. It wasn't as musical as I wanted it to be. It wasn't as perfect as I wanted it to be. But I loved my students as much as I wanted to love them. And they are wonderful people and they are going to be wonderful adults and I am so happy for them. I just want them to take the bull by the horns and show the world what they are made of.
There is no awesome way to end this. I am sad. I am happy. I am excited. I am nervous (for next year). I can't wait to see my students grow up and become something wonderful. Being a teacher is the best. It is hard. There are lots of tears and sweat (seriously, I started using the prescription strength stuff this year because I got so nervous I sweated like CRAZY!) but thankfully no blood (that will be Mark's job!).
I am relieved. I am peaceful. I am excited. I love my job. I love my students. I love my life.
Welcome summer!!!!! YAY!!!!
Friday, June 3, 2011
The usual
Today is just one of those days where I want to be a mom. The yearning comes and goes. The desire is always there. Sometimes I want it so badly it hurts. Sometimes I am at peace with waiting. Today is the former.
I am about to start on a serious regime of infertility drugs:
metformin
femara
hcg
lupron (I think... if it is not lupron it is something else injectable)
I will be taking ALL of those at once and then I will be monitored with ultrasound to check the development of the follicles. If I don't get pregnant I have to go through a whole host of new diagnostic procedures and so does Mark.
I wish that getting pregnant was not such a group effort (doctors, Mark, and me). I wish it could just be me and Mark. In the beginning infertility is embarrassing because it seems like the whole world (multiple doctors/nurses) have seen that part of me that no one should see. But then you get used to it. So when something else has to be tested you think "Hey! Why not! The whole world has been there anyway."
But you know what? The end result will (hopefully) be the same. And it feels a lot better to hope than despair. But sometimes it is harder to hope because this is the dialogue in my head:
Today is just one of those days where I want to be a mom so badly it hurts my heart.
I am about to start on a serious regime of infertility drugs:
metformin
femara
hcg
lupron (I think... if it is not lupron it is something else injectable)
I will be taking ALL of those at once and then I will be monitored with ultrasound to check the development of the follicles. If I don't get pregnant I have to go through a whole host of new diagnostic procedures and so does Mark.
I wish that getting pregnant was not such a group effort (doctors, Mark, and me). I wish it could just be me and Mark. In the beginning infertility is embarrassing because it seems like the whole world (multiple doctors/nurses) have seen that part of me that no one should see. But then you get used to it. So when something else has to be tested you think "Hey! Why not! The whole world has been there anyway."
But you know what? The end result will (hopefully) be the same. And it feels a lot better to hope than despair. But sometimes it is harder to hope because this is the dialogue in my head:
- Am I too fat?
- I have to loose 10-15 pounds so I won't be overweight.
- I hate dieting
- Overweight=No pregnancy
- I am depressed! I want to eat things that are bad for me!
- Why am I even trying?
- Why am I not doing more?
- Could I be doing more?
- Is it really going to happen this month?
- No, because you are not exercising and eating right so you don't deserve it.
- Why would it? It hasn't happened yet.
- PLEASE work PLEASE work PLEASE work
- Don't get your hopes up.
- Being depressed stinks.
Today is just one of those days where I want to be a mom so badly it hurts my heart.
Thursday, June 2, 2011
No Sleeping
Why can't I go to sleep when Mark is not here?!?! It drives me crazy. This entire school year I have been going to bed by 10:30 at the latest. Usually I fall asleep around 9:15 and sometimes as early as 7:30.
Sleeping in means waking up fully rested and feeling awesome at 7:00 on a Saturday morning. For some of my young mom friends I know that is a luxury. But to the rest of the world, that is still pretty darn early. It feels late to me though since I get up at 5:30 every morning.
That has been my schedule all year. It feels nice to be about as regular as a clock (a working clock. not like the one on my mantle).
But when Mark is gone I do NOT want to go to bed. I just do not want to sleep without him. I think it is because sleep is like a reset button for me. If I have had a hard moment I need a nap. If I have had a hard day I need to get a full 8 hours. When I wake up it is all over and I can move on and have a changed mind.
But I HATE not having Mark with me. And the little woman inside my head who speaks to me says "There is no point in going to sleep because this time when you wake up, nothing will be better. He will still not be here."
*sigh*
That said, I need to try and get some shut eye or else my kiddos are going to drive me crazy tomorrow and those days are bad for everyone involved. Especially my students.
Sleeping in means waking up fully rested and feeling awesome at 7:00 on a Saturday morning. For some of my young mom friends I know that is a luxury. But to the rest of the world, that is still pretty darn early. It feels late to me though since I get up at 5:30 every morning.
That has been my schedule all year. It feels nice to be about as regular as a clock (a working clock. not like the one on my mantle).
But when Mark is gone I do NOT want to go to bed. I just do not want to sleep without him. I think it is because sleep is like a reset button for me. If I have had a hard moment I need a nap. If I have had a hard day I need to get a full 8 hours. When I wake up it is all over and I can move on and have a changed mind.
But I HATE not having Mark with me. And the little woman inside my head who speaks to me says "There is no point in going to sleep because this time when you wake up, nothing will be better. He will still not be here."
*sigh*
That said, I need to try and get some shut eye or else my kiddos are going to drive me crazy tomorrow and those days are bad for everyone involved. Especially my students.
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