Patience

Have you ever seen The Mummy? You know, that movie with Brendan Fraser? It is a late 90's movie that I liked as a young teenager. One of my favorite lines (totally cheesy now, by the way) occurs when they are being chased by some sort of mummy/undead guys. The main female is trying to find or interpret (I can't remember) something out of this ancient book of the dead/living (again, can't remember which) and Brendan Fraser's is urging her to hurry. She sings out "Patience is a virtue!" and he says "Not right now it isn't!" I thought that was so funny. But that isn't what this post is about. This post is about patience. And whenever I think about patience that line always comes to mind for some reason.

Nothing has taught me patience faster or more effectively than being a mother.

Patience with myself.

Patience with my son.

Patience with other people. Period.

I always knew I wasn't a super patient person. It was always something I admired about my mom. She has it in spades. It is always something I disliked about my dad. He didn't have much. And I have to say I was a little more like my dad than my mom in that way. Which is probably why I disliked the characteristic so much in him.

Being a mom has taught me to be patient with myself. I mess up. I make mistakes. I get angry. I yell. I huff off in anger. And then I take a deep breath and say "Self, that was wrong. Try again."

Being a mom has taught me to be patient with my son. He is only a baby. When he screams or cries he doesn't do it to bug me. He doesn't do it because he is being naughty or malicious. He does it because he is scared, or confused, or hungry, or cold, or something is happening that he doesn't like. He has two modes: happy because things are going the way he wants them to go and upset because they aren't. When he is happy he is all smiles. When he is upset he cries. That is all he knows. I have to be patient with him, teach him how to calm down, and give him more tools for expressing what he is really feeling. But that will take time.

Being a mom has taught me to be patient and more understanding of other people. When I was in the midst of my struggle with infertility and being a new teacher I posted once about a bad day I had had. And I stand by that post. It was a crappy day! People have bad days whether they have kids or not. And there was this woman who made a comment to the effect of "Well, your day couldn't have been that bad, or at least not as bad as mine. At least you get to go home and get a break. The hardest job in the world is being a mom and sometimes I regret having kids because it is just so hard. So actually you're lucky. But having kids is nice too."

That felt like a slap in the face because all I wanted at the time was kids! And you know what? I judged her. I thought to myself what a terrible mother she must be because she felt that way about her children and her position as a stay at home mom. I thought she just didn't know how good she had it and how hard infertility was and that she just didn't understand.

Well she didn't understand how hard infertility was. But guess what? I didn't understand how hard mothering young children was! And now I know. It is hard! It takes a great deal of patience. And I am tired. I have not had any sort of time away from my sweet Austin in over a week because he has been sick. All day and night I have been on call. I didn't see any of my friends. I didn't go to the gym and exercise. I stayed home. And I was lonely. And I am tired and I feel like I just need a break! And that poor woman who I mentioned earlier probably felt what I am feeling only 10 times worse. How could I have sat in judgement of her?! I feel pretty bad about it now.

But being a mother has taught me patience with others. I don't know what burdens they carry in their hearts. I don't know what it is like to walk a mile in their shoes. But until I do I will try to be patient with them. I will be patient with them even if I disagree or disapprove because who am I to say their struggle isn't valid just because I don't have the same struggles?

Patience really is a virtue. It is one I will have to spend my life cultivating and I can't say it is easy and I can't say I am thankful for all the experiences that are helping me to cultivate it in my life but I know from experience that one day I will be thankful. I just have to be patient and wait for that day to come :)

Tragedy

My heart breaks for the families of those slain in Connecticut. I have never shed tears at the breaking of news story, but I shed tears for this one. I have no words. But in my scripture study last night I read this:

Revelation 21:3-4

And I heard a great voice out of heaven saying, Behold, the tabernacle of God is with men, and he will ^adwell with them, and they shall be his people, and ^bGod himself shall be with them, and be their God. And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more ^adeath, neither ^bsorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more ^cpain: for the former things are passed away.

I can only imagine their pain, it must be great. I can only imagine their sorrow. But Christ knows their sorrow. And someday, he will wipe the tears from their eyes and give them understanding. I don't even know what to pray for. I guess I will pray that God will give them what they need right now.

On Wearing Pants

I still don't know if I will be wearing pants to church on Sunday. Maybe I will. Maybe I won't. But a wonderful woman I know wrote this on her blog. I couldn't have said it better and believe me-- I have been trying to think of what to say. So I hope she doesn't mind if I copy her words. You can read her original here. She adds a great personal experience at the beginning which I loved. But here is the part that is what I would like to say as well (in her words):

I don’t resonate with the general feminist stance on the role of women in the church. And that’s all I’ll say about that. But I will say this about the people who do agree. I’ve read and heard their words. I know them. I’ve befriended them.  

And you know something? They, on the whole, are more thoughtful, more understanding, more introspective, slower to anger, slower to judge, more loving, more Christ-like than most of the “conventional” Mormons I have met. What’s more, these odd-balls, who seem always to interrupt the flow of Mormon culture, have inspired me in a way that has, over the years, built this great sieve of compassion within my mind through which my experience of humanity passes through. I am more like Christ because of them. The ones we so often consider controversial, too-sensitive, too malcontent, spiritually offensive even, have been my spiritual guides toward eternal perspective.  

I know one thing for sure about these souls, and more specifically about women who face struggles with reconciling gender equality. They are authentic. They aren’t making it up. And you know who else knows this? Christ. He suffered their pains just as they face them now, so He knows. Will we then, simply because we haven’t walked in their shoes, claim that their struggle is ill-founded? Will you tell Christ that too? He who bore that pain for and with them? Who bore your own pain as well? 

It’s not about the pants. It is about the pants. To me, it doesn’t really matter what it’s about. These precious souls are suffering. I will wear pants for them because I love them. I will bear possible judgment for my actions because I love them. Maybe not a single sister in my current ward is struggling. But then again, maybe one is. And maybe she feels alone. She might even be too frightened to wear pants herself. Is my search for the one worth the likely possibility that people will draw the wrong conclusion about my participation in such a “protest”?  

I’ve seen a number of well-meaning but misguided responses to the pants movement. One, the argument that this “protest” is disrespectful to the sanctity of our Sunday meetings, sacrament specifically. My thoughts are that the Sacrament is about communing with Christ. What else can we bring to the sacrament table but those things with which we struggle? Yes, the intention may be two-fold. It is, for many, a call for attention to those things with which they struggle. And you know what? That’s okay. Because the Sacrament was instituted because of our imperfection. Do we not also call attention to ourselves when we don't take the sacrament because of our suffering that makes us feel too far removed from Chirst's mercy? Well, I can tell you that those who feel ostrasized for their sentiments on female equality in the church often do feel removed from His love, and especially from the love of others. I've seen their tears with my own eyes. And the bottom line is it's being brushed aside as "sinful" or "testimony damaging." Too many want to shut the conversation down because it threatens the fabric of their testimonies. The beauty inherent here is that we all, whether pants or skirt wearers, will be meeting at His table, petitioning whether quietly or openly to that same God. The right people will hear the real message. I hear. The humble and charitable will hear. But most importantly, He hears. 

There are going to be many who have looked, are looking, and will look at those with pants with pity or even anger. Probably their meditations will be interrupted. Perhaps even their ability to perceive the Spirit. But the walk for everyone is a solitary one. What we choose to look at on our path is up to us. The more critical players in this are the ones who are hurting. And their pain is very very real.  

Don’t you just want to put your arms around them and tell them that you love them and that you understand what it’s like to struggle?

I do. So I'm going, with my pants-clad legs, for them. An embrace. They that be whole need not a physician, but they that are sick. We, them, you, him, her, I. All are sick spiritually. Who is right concerning womens' roles in our church is not my concern, and I will not make an ultimate declaration about what is when it comes to gender and the Church.Ultimatums are dangerous. They stunt the growth of our souls and inhibit our journey toward becoming more like Him. 

So I’m here, sisters, brothers. I've heard you with an open heart. You are not alone. I want to help you bear your struggles, and if wearing pants can be a balm of Gilead for you, I will wear them. I love you.

I love you.

Time for Some Honesty

I need to recommit, reassess, think about some things in my life that are making me unhappy. I pinned this article on pinterest a while ago and right after I did I actually started practicing some of the principles it teaches. And I was happy.

Then I sort of let one thing slip (bed making). Then another (calling a friend or family member each day). Then another (setting an intention for each day). Then my sister died. And since then it has all gone up in smoke. Now all I do is have sentimental items displayed because they are part of my decoration and I have at least managed to keep reading my scriptures and saying my prayers at least 6 out of 7 nights in a week. Usually I am 7 for 7 but sometimes I slip. I think if I had let that go I might have spiraled into an even worse depression than I am already in.

Because I have to face the music. I am depressed and here is how I know:

• I eat. All day. Anything sweet. Anything fatty. Multiple times a day. And guess what? I am almost 15 pounds heavier than the top of the healthy weight range for someone my height. That isn't terrible. And I am not obsessed with my weight. But I have to be honest. I feel bad about myself. I feel embarrassed. My clothes don't fit. I don't want to go out and buy clothes that do fit because I have no money and because... well... I'm embarrassed by my weight. There I said it. I have a great desire to get it under control but that is all. And we all know where the road paved with good intentions leads. 

• I am spending money like I think I have it. And I don't. And it is going to get me into trouble if I can't get a handle on my emotions and feelings. It is like eating and shopping make me momentarily feel great and then the feeling fades and I feel terrible. So I want to do it some and then I feel great and then terrible and then great and then terrible. It is a vicious cycle. 

• I don't want to do anything. I don't want to clean. I don't want to cook. I don't want to quilt. I don't want to shower. I don't want to go to the gym. I don't want to go to church. I don't want to go out. I don't want to do anything at all. I am not so depressed that I don't do anything. But I have to force myself to do it. Some might say "Well if you can do it at all then you're not really depressed. Or at least not as depressed as me." But is it really a competition? I feel horrible. Isn't that enough? I have to force myself to do the dishes (which is why I only did them once this week.) I have to force myself to shower. I have to force myself to pick up my house. And when I don't I feel terrible when Mark comes home because I feel like I have done nothing all day and I find myself trying to think of what I did do all day to justify the house/myself/Austin all being in the state we are in.

• I am socially disinclined to do anything. Things that people say or ask about that normally wouldn't bother me drive me crazy or really hurt my feelings. So then I feel mean thoughts and then I feel bad and it is just a terrible, nasty feeling that continues to spiral downward.

My ray of light in all this anxiety and fear is Austin. Oh how I love my child. The one thing I do want to do is get down on the floor and play with him. I want to read to him. I want to rock him. I want to hold him. I want to kiss him. I want to love on him all day long. Because he doesn't say anything hurtful. He doesn't look at me and think "Geeze mom, why aren't the dishes done?" At this point all he does is love me and need me and want me to play with him too. And I love that. I LOVE THAT. 

Okay. That is it. That is enough. I said it all. I got it out. Now it is time to take it in hand and deal with it and get things done. 

But how? How am I going to do it? I'll make a list. I will make a list of my goals this week. A daily schedule if you will. I am going to set 5 goals for each day. 

Sunday: 

1. Be on time for church
2. Make the bed
3. Make dinner
4. Be on time for the Reidsville concert. 
5. Call my mom

Monday:

1. Go to the gym
2. Make the bed
3. 
   

It's not you, it's me. Really. It is.

Dear Friends,

As I am still grieving the loss of my sister I just want you to know how much I appreciate all your thoughtfulness and concern over me and my family. I appreciate so much your prayers and all the questions about my well-being and the well-being of my family.  Thank you. From the bottom of my heart.

However, at this point it is really difficult for me to talk about it at all. Even responding to the questions "How are you? How is your brother-in-law? How is your mom? How are the girls?" is difficult and very, very, very painful for me. I am just not at a place in my grieving cycle where I feel as though I can discuss it at all.

I appreciate so much our friendship and I do not want to push anyone away because really, it is me. Not you. And at some point in the future I will need you to ask. But for now can I ask, as a friend, that you wait for me to bring the subject up? It is just not a good time to ask me how I am doing or how my family is doing in regards to that. For me, right now at least, it hurts a great deal more than it helps. I know as a friend you wouldn't want that for me.

I am so glad to know that when I am ready to talk about it I will have so many friends ready to listen. I am so glad to know I have friends praying for me.

Thank you for understanding. Thank you for your love. When I am ready to talk about it I will let you know.

Much Love,

Amanda

What Would Jesus Do?

I think for one of the first times in my life I really asked myself: "What would Jesus do?" in regards to a situation that came up in my life. This is the situation:

There is a woman of my acquaintance who is expecting her second child. She was recently put on bed rest (bless her soul). She isn't due for another couple of months. She also

Being Fair

I love going to the website feministmormonhousewives.org. I go probably once a month or so when I find that my house is clean, my baby is asleep, and my husband is otherwise occupied. I go there because it always makes me think. It forces me to mentally defend my points of view. I read it and think of what I would say in response. I do not ever feel eloquent enough to actually leave a comment but I do start thinking, which is always good. And I nearly always come to the same conclusion: I am not a feminist. Plain and simple. At least not in the way that many of the commenters and posters are.

I am often led to other articles and blogs written by people identifying themselves as feminist, post-mormon, or both.

Today my issue is this:

I read one blog where a woman blamed all her weakness and unhappiness in life on Mormonism and its doctrines of inequality, blind obedience, and unfairness.

I read another blog where a man commended his mother and sisters for being such strong women and commended the church for encouraging them to be ambitious, educated, and articulate and for helping them develop leadership skills. In a response to this article one person said "His mother was empowered by something other than the church. That was her personality and the personality and privileges she was able to give to her daughters. The church did not do ANY of that."

In my opinion personality probably played into both of those experiences but the church did too.
One commenter said this: "It seems strange to blame the church's bad issues in regards to women for the weakness of its women without also acknowledging that the church's strengths in regards to women result in some positive."

I couldn't agree more. It is not fair to allow some people to blame all their personal issues on the church and agree with them and say "Oh yes. That terrible institution. Look what it has done to you," while at the same time dismissing someone for crediting the church with helping them to be successful by saying "Oh no. It couldn't have been the church. It was all just you being special. Don't credit that institution for inspiring you."

In both cases I am sure the church had something to do with it. The church can have both an incredibly positive influence on one person's life and a negative influence on another person's life. It is about perspective and through which lens you choose to look at your life. Looking through one lens I believe the church could be very mentally and emotionally damaging. Looking through another lens I believe the church could be very inspiring and emotionally uplifting. It depends on what you choose to see.

However-- don't judge someone for looking at the church through a different lens than you, regardless of which lens it is. Don't dismiss their judgements and opinions because they differ from yours. Ostracizing and judging someone as wicked who walks away from the church won't help them come back. Belittling someone who believes and calling them foolish and blind won't turn them away from the church. All those things do is harm friendships and damage love. There is a wonderful primary song that goes something like this:

Jesus said love everyone. Treat them kindly too. When your heart is filled with love, others will love you.

Maybe my "live and let live" attitude is a product of my generation. Tolerance seems to be the buzz word of my generation. Maybe it is just part of who I am. But I believe in life you have to be as fair as you can. I am sorry to the person who feels the church has done harm. I sincerely hope you find happiness in your new path. I am happy for the person who feels the church has been a strength the them. May you continue to find peace and happiness on your current path.

I believe Mormonism has been good for me and I choose to continue down that path. I love the church. I do. And though I harbor my doubts about many things (especially in regards to early church history) the best thing Mormonism has done for me is to help me discover, develop, and cultivate my relationship with a loving Heavenly Father and his perfect son, Jesus Christ. Period. It has also given me many good principles on which to build my life. It has given me hope when I have been in despair. It has been a light in my darkest hour. And for that I will forever be thankful to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

"It's official... I have a diamond."

Yep. Those were the words in a text message email I got from my mom today. She always means to send a text to me and always ends up sending me an email. I didn't actually see the message until after she called.

I said "Hello?" and she said "It's official. I have a diamond."

Same message. I got it twice. I never in my entire life thought I would be congratulating my own mother on her engagement. Weird.

I'm happy for her. Really. I am happy. I would have been sadder if things had not worked out to tell you the truth. She is lonely. She needs someone in her life to confide in and take care of her and the guy she has chosen seems to fit the bill. I'm glad he will be there for her.

Actually, to tell you the truth I don't feel much of anything. The emptiness I have felt since the death of my sister is still painfully present in my life. And my mom getting engaged kind of exacerbated that tonight. Because guess who I wanted to call and gossip about my mom getting engaged with? You guessed it: Liz. I wanted to call her and tell her exactly how I feel about it. I wanted to laugh with her and joke with her and commiserate with her and plan how we were going to get through the next long while with a step-father with her. But I can't. Because she is gone. She is with my real father. Oh how I miss them so.

Mom is getting married in the spring. Those are just words to me. My life will go on. Her life will go on. And they will be mostly separate as they have been since I left home 7.5 years ago.

I miss my dad. I miss my sister. I am sick. I am exhausted of traveling (with one more cross country trip to go.)

I just feel drained: emotionally, physically, and mentally. I have no desire or energy to feel anything. Right now I am mostly getting through my days one at a time.

2011 was a fantastic year for me. It was fun. It was exciting. It was a year full of hope and happiness. I thought 2012 would be the best year of my life because I was going to deliver my baby in 2012 and things were just going to be great. That was definitely one of the happiest moments in my life, no question. But 2012 ranks right up there with 2009 (year my dad died) as one of the most difficult years of my life.

Being a parent is one of the hardest things I have ever done. I had serious postpartum depression and had to be medicated for it. Adjusting to being a stay-at-home mom has been incredibly difficult for me (though absolutely worth it! I wouldn't trade being home with Austin for anything on earth or in heaven.) I miss my students and my coworkers. I miss my job. I have traveled across the country 5 times in the last 4 months. My sister is dead from childbirth. I am worried about the well-being of my family in Utah. And finally: my mom is engaged to a man who is not my father.

*sigh* 2012 has definitely been a year of growth. It is one of those make you or break you years. But you know what? God has been good to me. I have so much to be thankful for. Today we made our thankful advent chains. We write down 25 things we are grateful for on the Monday after Thanksgiving, make a little paper chain out of them, hang them with our stockings, and then re-read them each day leading up to Christmas. I have never been able to write down so many so fast. I was done in 10 minutes and when I was done I just kept going on verbally to Mark about specific things I was thankful for.

Why is it that during the hard times there seem to be more things to be thankful for? I think it is all about perspective.

P.S. One of the links in my thankful chain says "I am thankful for a mother who loved me, was patient with me, gave me advice, and sang me lullabies." Love you mom. Congratulations from the bottom of my heart. 

Austin's 7 Month Update

7 months. Where in the world has the time gone? I feel like I was just barely telling everyone I was pregnant and here I am, a year later, with a 7 month old baby. He is getting so big! I can't believe how quickly the time is passing. I love him more every day that passes because I get to know him better. It is sort of like being married. (Speaking of which, my 5 year anniversary is this week!)

On my wedding day I thought there was no one in the temple that day as in love as I was with Mark. Little did I know that pretty much everyone in there loved their spouse more than I did. Well, maybe not more. I think a better word would probably be deeper. Everyone there had a deeper and more established love than I had. But I don't know... maybe more is the right word because I feel like I love Mark so much more 5 years later than I even did when I married him and that is saying something!

It has been the same way with my Austin boy. I loved him so much when I was pregnant with him. Then I loved him even more when he was born. And each day that passes my love for him grows and deepens. He is such a special boy and I love him more deeply than words can express.

Okay, now for the update:

Weight: 18.1 lbs (50%)

Height: 26.75 in (40%)

Head: 18.25 in (95%)

My dear boy is perfectly average in weight and height but my goodness does he have a big head! But you know what? His cheeks totally fit his head and they are incredibly fat and kissable. I love them :) The doctor said not to worry. He'll grow into his head :)

Austin's big news is that he can sit up all by himself. It is fun to watch him sit up opposite of Mark and watch them play together. I think it is probably one of Mark's favorite things to do. 

Austin's other big news is mobility. My goodness can that boy roll. He is about as roly-poly as they come. I can no longer set him down and expect him to be there when I come back. He rolls all the way across rooms and wiggles like a little worm to get at the toys he wants. I am amazed at the places he manages to get himself. Yesterday I found him under a kitchen chair. I am not sure how that happened but it did.

Austin fake coughs to get attention. It is pretty funny actually. Other sounds he makes include a very high pitched scream or just a normal scream (when he is happy.) He also does this little pa-pa-pff-pff sound with his lips. It is super cute. That is one of his dad's favorite sounds he makes :)

Austin has officially grown out of his sink bathtub and he now takes his baths in the big boy (normal size) bathtub. He LOVES it. He just kicks and kicks and splashes and splashes. It is so cute!

Austin is finally showing an interest in Moses... Moses had better watch out!

Austin loves toys and he loves to grab anything within in reach. He especially loves to bang toys on any available surface. He will just grab something and bang it and bang it and then do the same thing with something else or just his hands. It is fun to watch him do it for long periods of time. He is really good at entertaining himself already.

Austin is as great a sleeper as ever-- 12 hours at night and 3 naps during the day. He doesn't like to be held or rocked to sleep though. He just likes to be put in his crib. I knew this day would come, which is why I held him and rocked him to sleep so much when he was a little baby. I don't regret doing it one bit now that he doesn't need me any more for that particular thing!

Some of my favorite moments are going to get Austin when he wakes up in the morning or from his naps. He is just so smiley and happy. Mark and I compete for who gets to go get him. Sometimes we race into his room because we want to be the one to get that first big smile. What a sweetie.

Another one of my favorite moments has become somewhat of a tradition for Mark and me. Every night before we go to bed we quietly open Austin's door and watch him sleeping. It is so tender and sweet to just watch that sweet baby rest. We do it because we love him so much and also to remind ourselves that this is real. Sometimes it is just so awesome being parents that it doesn't seem like it can be real.

But it is :)

It's Over

The election is finally over.

I am relieved that it is over.

I am disappointed that Mitt Romney didn't win.

I believe we are in for 4 more years of pretty much the same: a weak president and a divided congress.

I don't think a whole lot is going to get done on capitol hill except for a great deal of bickering.

I think Barack Obama is a good man who does what he thinks is best for the country even if disagree with him.

Even though I didn't vote for him now is time for me to get behind my president and support him in the office he is in.

In all the honesty of my heart I can say "Great fight Mitt Romney," and "Congratulations, best of luck, and you have my support, President Obama."

A Thousand Words are Worth a Picture

This is a long one. Mostly it is for me to read later on when I am sad and lonely for my husband, but please feel free to read or skim or skip it altogether. Like I said, mostly for me :)

I had the most fabulous weekend... and I didn't take any pictures. So I'll just have to recreate the scene with words. I'll definitely use more that 1000... but I would have taken more than one picture if I had had my camera with me :) I normally have my camera everywhere I go, but I didn't this weekend. And to tell you the truth there was nothing that was particularly picture worthy. It was a perfectly ordinary weekend that felt extraordinary and fabulous because it has been so long sing I had an ordinary weekend.

Friday night we went on a fabulous double date. We dropped Austin off at a babysitter's house (THANK YOU KAREN!) and met another couple at their house for a date. They fed us a wonderful stew and then we all went downtown to view some art galleries and eat some frozen custard. It was delightful. Apparently on the first Friday of every month they open up a bunch of little art galleries on Trade Street for you to just walk through and enjoy. Mark and I love art so it was fabulous for us to get to see some. We haven't been to an art gallery since we left BYU.

Saturday was the best day ever. It just was. We got so much done that needed to be done and spent the entire day together as a family. It really was nothing extraordinary that made it special. What made it special was that we were together in our own home and community simply enjoying a beautiful fall day as a family.

We voted. We had to do it early because Mark forgot to register before the deadline so we had to early vote so he could register/vote all in one go. (Do your civic duty and go vote on Tuesday!!) It felt amazing. I had researched all the candidates for all the offices on the ballot and made my selections before voting. It took me a few hours but it was totally worth it.

After we voted we went and washed the car for the first time in over a year. Don't judge. Mark washed it in the car wash while I sat in the backseat and fed Austin some squash. It was fun.

Mark then dropped me off at Wal-Mart to start the grocery shopping while he and Austin went to Lowe's to get plastic to cover our terribly drafty windows. Mark later said it felt awesome to go into Lowe's with just Austin because it reminded him of all the Saturdays he would go with his dad to the home improvement store. To him this was the first of many Saturdays to come when he will get to bond with our son in that way. They finished first and met me at Wal-Mart where we finished shopping together. Austin was such a champ and just kept smiling and smiling at Mark. Mark usually doesn't like grocery shopping with me but Austin was such a charmer that he actually really enjoyed it. It was just delightful.

We are working on cleaning out old clothes and junk from our house right now. We had a couple of bags of stuff to take to the Salvation Army. So after Wal-Mart we dropped by the Salvo to drop off our stuff. We drove around back, dropped it off, and were just going to go home because Austin had fallen asleep. However. Back story really fast:

When I was about 13 my dad got an inheritance from his great-uncle who died. It was something like $2000. He spent most of it on an HDTV. Now remember that was well over 10 years ago. It has a flat screen and it is HD, but it is not a flat screen if you know what I mean. It is basically a first generation HDTV so it is a tube TV. It is massive. This TV weighs probably close to 150 lbs. It is a monster. It has a great picture and it has great sound, but it just big.

After my dad died my mom didn't want it anymore. It reminded her too much of him. So she gave it to Mark and me, but she didn't give us the beautiful wooden TV stand they had purchased to hold it. She still liked that piece of furniture and had other uses for it in mind. It is a really nice TV so despite its size we hauled it all the way across the country when we moved. 

 We never did buy a TV stand for it. We just sort of balanced it on an end table with very spindly legs that we also inherited from my parents. It wasn't really stable, but we didn't have kids, and people with kids didn't come to our house very often. As long as you didn't really touch it or wobble the table or TV it was good. Whenever we did have kids over we made sure to tell them and their parents not to touch it so it wouldn't fall on them. Seriously. It is so big that if it did fall on a child it would kill them or injure them really, really badly. 

Well. Now we have a baby. And guess what? Baby is mobile. He isn't crawling yet but he can roll and wiggle from one end of the room to the other to get what he wants. And he loves to grab and pull and yank on just about everything within reach. Those spindly legs are perfect for little hands to grab. I have seriously had nightmares about Austin grabbing the TV or the table the TV sat on and it falling on him and crushing him. It is that pointy and heavy. It doesn't even bear thinking about really. 

So I have been looking on craigslist for over a year for a legit stand for our TV so that Austin can't pull it onto himself and die. Nothing has come up. I found one or two that seemed promising but they were either too small, too expensive, too far away, or came with a junk TV that I didn't want to haul around. 

Okay, back story complete. We were driving past the front of the Salvation Army when I said "I would love to just pop in there and see if they have a TV but Austin is asleep." Normally we would have just driven on but being his awesome husband self Mark offered to run in really fast and see if there just happened to be anything. I told him to call me if there was anything, but if not, just to come right back out. I went to turn the car around thinking that Mark would probably be back out in just a minute but he wasn't. He stayed inside... so I called him. I asked him if there was anything and he said "Well, there is something actually." So I parked the car and carried the baby in. And guess what was sitting in the furniture section for $13? The exact same size and version of our TV (only a few years older) and the stand that Sony built to go with it. We couldn't believe it. We asked if we could just take the stand. They said if you give us $9.99 you can take it today. $10. TEN DOLLARS!!!!!!

So we bought it and took it home and set up our TV on it. It doesn't wiggle at all. It is in excellent condition with all the original parts and shelves. No dents. No scratches. A perfect fit. And because it is the same shape as the bottom of our TV it doesn't cover up the vent our TV sits next to. It is beautiful and it actually really adds to the beauty of our living room I think. We were also able to set up part of Mark's sound system for the first time since we moved here because of the extra storage in our new stand.

$10. Seriously? That thing originally retailed for over $200.

So beyond having a perfect day it ended with an incredibly fortunate purchase that not only looks beautiful but is now safe for my sweet baby.

After we set up the new TV stand (and I hopped over to the airport to pick up a friend and her kiddos) we put up new curtains in our dining room and rearranged the furniture a bit in our living room and dining room.

The day ended with eating an ice cream cone on the couch as we admired our somewhat new surroundings. It was a perfect day in every single way. I couldn't have asked for better.

Grief

You know, everyone handles grief differently. I sort of wish I was the kind of person who worked out like a maniac to get out all of my pent up anger and grief out. Unfortunately I am the sort of person who... well... eats. And I mean really eats.

When I am depressed I eat and eat and eat and don't go to the gym at all.

Since my sister died I have been more depressed, anxious, and worried than I have ever been in the course of my life. And so I have been eating. And eating. And eating. And... well you get the picture.

I gained 4.8 pounds in two weeks. Normally I round out my numbers but I just couldn't bring myself to put 5 when it was only 4.8.

I feel it in my face, on my back, and around my waist. It is not a very nice feeling. My clothes don't fit. I don't feel good about myself. So I get more depressed. And I eat some more. And my self talk is "Well, you better eat all you want today because you need to start your diet tomorrow." Seriously. I say that to myself every single day. And with an attitude like that I have just been gaining and gaining.

I think I am ready to stop. I guess what I am really saying is that I need to stop whether I think I am ready to or not. I can't wait for next month to start. I can't wait for next week to start. I can't even wait for tomorrow to start. I need to start right now, at 1:15 PM on Friday afternoon. I need to start with my next snack or my next meal.

So here it goes. I am going to push publish and I am going to track my calories and I am going to go to the gym tomorrow (because I don't have the car today, not because I don't want to!)

Think good thoughts for me!

If She Were Here

I address this to my sister as if she were here. God lets people read blogs in heaven, right?

Dear Liz,

I went to Target for the first time by myself yesterday. I kind of know what people are talking about when they say they like it so much. It is kind of cool. It is like Wal-Mart except the atmosphere is way better and it isn't as dirty.

Of course I was wandering around the baby section. Mostly I was looking for a costume for Austin... buuutt I guess most people buy their kids' costumes before Halloween. There was nothing. BUT I did wander past the Baby Mum-Mums!

I had totally forgotten about those! They totally reminded me of you. I remember when I nannied for Abby for those six weeks when she was about a year old how you always had them and how you swore by them. You told me she loved them and that if she was ever fussing to give her one and she would be happy. You knew her so well.

Anyway I bought a box for Austin thinking of you. I gave him his first one out in the car and he LOVED it. He just chowed down on his second one a few minutes ago. He is teething and he loves the texture. He is always a little surprised when it runs out... :)

I couldn't help but think of you. Every time I see the box I think of you. It actually makes me kind of sad. I miss you so much. I miss talking to you. I miss calling you. I miss how funny you were. I miss all your advice. You were seriously the best big sister I could have asked for. You were smart and sassy and wise and no one understood me better when I would complain about mom's new boyfriend or about infertility or about struggles in my marriage. I will miss you forever. I love you. I'd get more mushy but I know that that isn't really your style. Love you sister.

Love,
Amanda

Faith and Prayer

I think my sister passing away has been especially difficult because she leaves behind such a young family. I love my sister. I will miss her more than I can say. But our lives were relatively separate. I am not going to have to make a huge life adjustment because she is gone. Yes, we called each other often and laughed and joked and had sisterly conversations and bonded. There is nothing like having a sister to talk to. You just talk to your sister and confide in your sister in a different way than anyone else in the world. Consider yourself lucky if you have one, or more than one! But I wasn't her spouse. And I am not her children. It is Michael and Abby and Lily who are going to miss her most and who have to make the biggest adjustment.

So in addition to my grief over the loss of my sister I have added worry and concern over the well-being of my brother-in-law and my nieces. Not only is my heart breaking for my loss but also for my brother-in-law's loss. I can't even imagine what he is going through. My nieces don't even know what is going on really. I want to hug the three year old and hold her and tell her I love her and that I will always be here for her, but she doesn't really want to be hugged and held. She just wants to play. She doesn't really understand what "Mommy went to live with Jesus and Grandpa Van Gesen" means. What will it be like for her, growing up without her mom? *sigh* I think that is the saddest part of this whole thing for me. My darling nieces. Without their momma to protect them and raise them. Because children need protecting.

So what I can do is pray for them and have faith in a perfect God who has a perfect plan for their lives. I have to believe they will turn out okay. I have to believe they are strong spirits who can navigate through the rough and tumble of the world without their mom. I have to believe that there are other wonderful women out there who live close to them who can help guide and direct them. I can call them. I can send them care packages. That, coupled with prayer, is about all I can do for my sweet nieces and brother-in-law who live 2000 miles away. 

In my heart of hearts I hope that my brother-in-law can find himself another wonderful woman to be his life partner for the remainder of his life and help him raise those sweet babies. I hope (whoever she is) that she can love those girls like her own. I hope that she can love our family like her own. I hope and pray for this woman every night in my prayers. Maybe you could pray for her too. 

What She Gave Me

My sister was one of the most influential people in my entire life. As I sat today grieving her loss I thought to myself Self, you need to get up and go do something. She wouldn't want you to mope.  So I got off the couch and went and sat down at the piano and began to play.

As I sat there letting the music move through me and help heal my heart I thought again of my sister and realized that it is only because of her that I can play the piano at all. I had never thought of it quite like that before. I always credited myself (for all my practicing :) and my mother (for not letting me quit when I wanted to.)  But you know what? The only reason I took lessons at all was because at the age of 16 my sister decided that she wanted to take lessons and so she asked my mom for them.

I guess my mom thought it was a good idea. I don't actually remember asking my mom for lessons or being particularly interested. I don't know if I asked my mom if I could take lessons too or if she just thought it would be nice for us to do it together. I guess it doesn't matter, because I started at age 8 and my sister started at age 16. She soon graduated from high school and let it go but I continued lessons for the next 10 years. 

My skill playing the piano has been one of my life's greatest blessings. Because I played the piano in high school I was able to accompany for the choirs. I was able to accompany for my friends. My friends and I used to sit around for hours singing together around the piano. It deepened our friendship and was just plain fun.

Because I played the piano I was able to get into the school of music at BYU because my music theory skills were up to par. My last piano teacher made sure of that.

Because I played the piano I was able to get a job after graduating from BYU. I was one of the only applicants who could play well. I was able to accompany my students and they trusted me because I could play the piano as well as their old teacher.

Because I play the piano I am now able to earn a small income from home while I raise my son.

Being able to play the piano has brought me countless hours of joy and numberless blessings. And the only reason I started lessons at all was because of my sister.

So thank you Liz. Thank you for one of the greatest gifts in my life. I love you. I miss you. You'll live on in me, in our brother, in your husband, and in your sweet daughters. 

Moving On

Tomorrow I am flying back to North Carolina. That might seem like a pretty obvious and benign statement. But it is very loaded and burdened to me.

My in-laws helped us purchase my flight out. We picked a random return date that was probably going to change because I was probably going to have to be in Utah for a month to help my sister rehabilitate and to help with the baby. In my wildest dreams I didn't think I would actually be flying back to North Carolina on that date. And I just have to keep saying it to myself.

My sister died.

She is not here. She doesn't need help rehabilitating. Her daughters are well in hand (probably too many hands!) I could be of some use helping to care for the girls during the day but now is the time for us all to settle into a new normal and since I really live on the other side of the country the best thing for me to do right now is just to go home to North Carolina.

Oh how my heart is breaking. I want so badly to be helping my sister get better. I want to be helping to raise those little girls. It feels cruel and unfair to be going back to North Carolina and essentially settling back into my old routines that will remain largely unchanged. The only change will be in my heart, which still feels so heavy I am not sure a plane can lift it and carry it back to North Carolina.

I'm so sad. I am saddest in the quiet moments when I am all alone. And even though I will be surrounded by people on the airplane tomorrow, I will essentially be alone. And 5 hours on a plane is a long time to be alone.

I flew into Utah just over a week ago hoping for a miracle. I fly away instead with a broken heart, trying to hang onto my faith and pushing back the fear I feel for the well being of my brother-in-law and my nieces.

My Sister

My sister died in childbirth this last weekend. She leaves behind two young daughters, ages 1 week and 3 years. She also leaves behind her loving husband.

It was a dual income household. Please consider donating whatever you can to the Elizabeth Van Gesen Roberts fund to help out my brother-in-law and his two little girls. He is now a single parent trying to provide for his young family all alone.

I have no words. I have never really understood what people meant when they said their heart feels heavy. I know now. It really does feel heavy. It is a physical and emotional feeling. I have not ever been so sad in my entire life-- not even when my dad passed away.

When my dad died I felt grief along with peace and understanding. It built my faith.

Right now I feel grief along with confusion and anger. It tries my faith. I don't understand. I see no purpose in this. I am shocked. I am angry. I am grieved. I am mourning. I can't believe she is gone. I hope that someday I find the purpose in this.

For now I just hold my nieces (who look just like her) and remember all the good times I had with my sister.

Prayer Request

Hello Blog Friends,

If you haven't already seen my post on facebook (yes, I went back for this very reason) and done so, please pray for my sister. She just had a baby today. The baby is doing great but my sister is not. She actually flatlined on the delivery table and had to be revived and put on a ventilator. She is severely hemorrhaging and they are struggling to get her stable. She had some very serious complications that I won't go into. Please pray for her recovery. Pray that she will be at peace and that her young family will be at peace as well. Thank you.

In a Rut...

I feel like I am stuck in a rut. I have been down and depressed for almost a week. That is unusual for me. I have been trying to put my finger on it for a while and I just can't seem to figure out exactly what it is that is causing me to feel this way. I have some ideas... Perhaps it is because Mark has been gone a ton these last two weeks. Perhaps it is because the novelty of being a SAHM has worn off and reality is setting in. Perhaps it is because I feel frustrated that day in and day out I simply do the same things over and over and over. Perhaps it is because I miss the constant challenge and triumph of being a teacher. Perhaps it is a combination of all of those things.

What do you do when you are stuck in a rut?

Avoiding Blogger's Remorse and Other Miscellaneous Thoughts

I wrote this long, well-thought out blog post yesterday. Before I wrote it I had a feeling it probably wasn't something I wanted to publish. But I pushed that feeling aside and wrote the post anyway. As I was finishing I couldn't ignore that feeling so I just clicked save and then closed blogger.

Fast-forward to today. I am so glad I didn't publish it. I like to think of myself as an open, friendly, and non-judgmental person. Sometimes Mark says I might be a little too open... but mostly he likes how open and honest I am about life and its joys and sorrows and hilarity. The blog post I wrote yesterday was very meaningful and very personal... too personal as Mark would say. And I am glad I didn't publish it. I am glad I avoided blogger's remorse. It felt great to get my ideas out and organized but it is one of those things that should simply stay between me and those closest to me.

Whew. Glad that's over.

That being said life is moving in a positive direction. I have actually been super depressed lately (that is not what the aforementioned post was about, though). Part of it is because Mark has been gone a lot. I mean we're talking 14 hour days (don't laugh if your husband is gone more. I am still getting used to it.) working on a service that he doesn't like so he comes home cranky and exhausted. We would spend 45-60 minutes together at most and then he would crash into bed. He didn't see Austin for a couple of days in there. It was lame.

Also, we tried to switch internet service providers. It has been a fiasco. The new service is so abysmal that we ended up switching back to our old provider. So that has been a source of tension, since we would argue about whether or not to go back. And I am trying to start a new hobby but feeling guilty about it because like most hobbies, it isn't free.

Last night Mark came home relatively happy. It was so nice. And since our internet was being lame we just sat and talked all of the above-mentioned problems out. When I write them down they sound trivial... probably because they are. But a lot of little things added up doesn't feel trivial. So we talked about everything and worked it out and today I feel like a million bucks.

Communication in marriage is essential to marital bliss. I think my life is so awesome because I have a husband who is willing to talk things out with me and help me see the error of my ways (if I am in the wrong) or who listens to me (when he is wrong). Sometimes we are both wrong and we can help each other there too. I sure love my husband. He is the best. Here's to hoping he doesn't have a crazy weekend and that we can actually go on a date :)

P.S. My new hobby is quilting. And I am SO excited to get started. I have a pattern and now I am super excited to get started!!!

Random...

So I created a new blog just to put my recipes on. I use pinterest to keep track of any recipes I discover online. I have an entire category dedicated to things I try and like. However, I also have a large library of cookbooks and I try lots of things out of those as well. I have been married almost 5 years and ever since I got into cooking (about a year into my marriage) my husband as been asking me to keep track of the good ones so I can repeat them. I never have done that much to his chagrin and now I kind of regret it. So I have finally decided to start keeping track and I started a blog just for that. It isn't fancy. I don't take pictures. I simply write out the recipe and it's source. The format is plain and I don't ever plan on making it into any sort of fancy cooking blog. I am not a great cook. I do it for my family and that is all.

However. I just have to say how random the internet is. I have only had 5 page views of that blog total. There are only 3 or 4 recipes on it. I just started it a month or so ago. And do you know where one of the page views was from? France. Wow. Random. That's all :)

Faith in the Lord's Timing

19. That is the magic number for young female members of the Church to serve a mission. 19 down from 21. My first reaction was shock. My second reaction was excitement. My third reaction was jealously and regret. I thought Oh, if only I that change had been made 7 years ago...

I always wanted to serve a full-time mission as a young adult, and  I always thought I would. I loved the gospel, I loved the Lord, and I wasn't going to be one of those girls who got married right out of high school.

My life didn't quite turn out that way. I wasn't quite that girl who got married right out of high school. I was two months shy of 21 (i.e. I was 20...) and I had a two and half years of college under my belt. At that time the age for female missionary service was 21, and as you can see I didn't make it to that magical age before I got married. So I didn't go.

For the record I don't regret marrying young. These have been 5 of the happiest years of my life. I don't regret marrying Mark. He is the best thing that ever happened to me. I was so happy to be married when my dad passed away. It is wonderful to me that my dad knew Mark as my husband and not just as some guy I liked, especially since he will not know any of my children.

But there is a small part of me that still wishes I had served a mission. It is a very small part. But it hides away at the back of my heart and sighs for the lost opportunity. And today the announcement was made that 19 is now the magic age. That small part at the back of my heart said to me today "I would have gone on that mission if that had been the allowed age back then."

And I have to say to that small part of my heart "Trust in the Lord with all thy heart and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him and he shall direct thy paths" and "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord."

I wish I could have served a mission but that was not the path for me. I have to look at the path the Lord has led me down and rejoice and be thankful. I know it is extremely ungrateful of me to not bow down and thank the Lord for guiding me the way he has. The timing of my life has been superb. I have a wonderful husband. I have a wonderful child. I got to teach wonderful children in the public school system. I have met so many wonderful people in the short years of my life. And you only meet the right people when you are in the right place at the right time and I thank the Lord that I have been. A mission wasn't the right thing for me at that time. It wasn't in the plan Heavenly Father laid out for me. He had other plans for me, other ways for me to grow and develop, other expectations for me to meet. So to the sadness in my heart I say we'ļl serve later and to the universe I say may this new announcement make the timing perfect for other young women of faith in my religion and may they go out and meet those people at the right time and in the right place who are ready to hear the gospel of Jesus Christ from their lips. God bless the Prophet and all those whose lives will forever be changed by his inspired counsel today.

A Day in the Life...

Today was such a lovely day. Saturdays are almost sacred in our home, especially Saturday mornings. Saturday morning is the time when we really reconnect as a family. We usually go for a walk, have a special breakfast together, and then go out and do something fun. Sometimes we clean together. In the fall there is always a football game on in the afternoon. In any case, Saturday is a very special day when we do fun things together as a family and simply enjoy all the blessings Heavenly Father has given us together. Today was the first Saturday we have been able to reconnect in a while. Two weeks ago we were at a wedding and it was a busy day. Last week I was traveling home from said wedding and it was a busy day. Because of those last two Saturdays today felt especially blessed and beautiful.

We woke up rested and feeling great around 7:30 this morning. We went for a family walk. I love our family walks. They are usually the highlight(s) of the week. Austin fell asleep on the walk. What a cutie.

As soon as we got home we put Austin in his bed, cleaned up the kitchen, and made an awesome breakfast: breakfast burritos, orange juice, and english muffins with Nutella. Then we decided we wanted to go out and do something. I wanted to go to Pilot Mountain. Mark wanted to go to Lexington. So we played paper-rock-scissors to decide. Mark won and we went to Lexington. I was just excited to go somewhere so we went and had a blast! 

We visited this incredible, I repeat INCREDIBLE, candy store. That is the whole reason we went actually. We saw an ad for it on TV when I was pregnant with Austin and decided we would go when I was no longer diabetic. It had the coolest selection of candy and antique toys and fudge and chocolate truffles and chocolate covered everything. I love candy stores. I love them. 

After the fabulous candy shop we walked around uptown Lexington. It was really cute. It has lovely churches. One had this fabulous steeple. The picture doesn't do it justice. 

The weather was perfect, Austin was perfect, and candy was perfect. It was just a perfect morning. After that we came home, watched General Conference, and then had a barbeque. 

It was just loveliest, most perfect day and I had to write about so that I will remember it on the not so lovely and not so perfect days.

I feel so happy and so peaceful and so content, especially after a day out with the two boys I love more than anything. I am truly the most blessed of women. 

Swimming

While we were swimming at Nana and Grandpa's house Austin fell asleep. Nana jogs around the pool in the water for her exercise and while I was on the phone with Mark and she was holding him in the pool he fell asleep. What a cutie. He stayed asleep when she transferred him to me. I guess he finds the water relaxing to say the least!

Creating

Here are pictures of the two coolest things I have ever made:

1. Austin
2. A BYU Blanket it the shape of a football

There is no tutorial for my baby. He is one of a kind :) But if you want the tutorial for the football blanket you can find it here. Didn't they both turn out awesome --baby and blanket :) 

Uncle Duff's Wedding Trip

We flew out to Arizona as a family for Mark's youngest brother's wedding. The ceremony was absolutely lovely. I didn't get any pictures of the couple but believe me, they were stunning and their wedding was delightful.

Here we are on our way to AZ. Conditions were perfect: the flight wasn't full so we had our own seat and it was a direct flight. It doesn't get better than that with a 5 month old infant right? Look how happy we are!

Unfortunately it was Austin's worst flight ever. He lasted about one hour and then the next three it was off and on crying, fussing, trying to sleep, sleeping, and then around that circle again. Ugh. Here is a picture capturing the exactly how we felt. Oh and there was also a blowout on that flight. Notice how he is wearing a different outfit in the below pictures than in the above pictures...

There were some precious moments like this one, where Mark and Austin are gazing out the window together. I would also like to say that Austin's worst flights are probably some kids' best flights. So as bad as it was, it definitely could have been worse. That is how awesome my kid is :) 

Mark had to turn around and leave the day after the wedding but Austin and I stayed for a week! The remainder of the trip was spent sewing, reading, hanging out with cousins, swimming, and just relaxing. Austin was an absolute champ on the flight home. He didn't cry once and slept for over two hours in my arms allowing me to nap as well. What a fabulous baby boy. 

We were certainly ready to come home though and so excited to see Dad (Mark) when we got off the plane. Mark was such a sweetheart. Instead of bringing me flowers or candy as a gift after such a long time apart Mark brought me a bowl, a spoon, and a box of cereal. He told me he knew cereal was my comfort food (and he was right) and that if it had been a hard flight that would cheer me up the best. It was an awesome flight but I was still glad to have the cereal all the same :) I have the best husband ever. 

Five (and a half) Month Update

I missed the five month update so I thought I would just wait until 6 months but Austin is just doing so many cute things that I had to share!

So. The 5.5 month update:

Austin loves to roll over! He rolls mostly to one side and he will roll all across the room, get stuck, cry for help and do it again. It is precious. He actually enjoys tummy time now that he can go back and forth himself. He often falls asleep on his tummy while he plays if it is near his nap time. 

Austin loves to touch faces. As I nurse him he reaches up to touch my face. As I rock him to sleep he reaches up to touch my face until he falls asleep. As his dad or grandma or nana or grandpa are playing with him he reaches up to touch their faces. He loves faces!

Austin eats solid food! He still makes a funny face at the beginning of each feeding but mostly he has really enjoyed it.

Austin makes a new noise. It is a whining noise. He closes his mouth and sort of goes hmmm-hmmm-hmmm. It is really, really cute.

Austin still loves to suck his thumb. He does it more than ever. The pacifier is becoming a thing of the past.

Austin is still as smiley as ever. He smiles and smiles and smiles all day long. 

He sleeps consistently for 10 hours and then after a brief feeding for 2 hours more. It is wonderful.

Austin is becoming really interested in toys. He loves to grab them and bang them on the table if you hold him sitting up. He loves to grab anything in his reach. It is getting tricky to hold him on your lap while you eat.

Austin loves to swim. He even fell asleep in his Nana's arms as she held him and walked around in the pool. It was so sweet. 

I think those are most of the big developments. If I remember more I will for sure write them down. It is such a joy to mother that young boy :) He is starting to recognize me! (Or as Mark has said-- he recognizes everyone who isn't me :)