It was a dual income household. Please consider donating whatever you can to the Elizabeth Van Gesen Roberts fund to help out my brother-in-law and his two little girls. He is now a single parent trying to provide for his young family all alone.
I have no words. I have never really understood what people meant when they said their heart feels heavy. I know now. It really does feel heavy. It is a physical and emotional feeling. I have not ever been so sad in my entire life-- not even when my dad passed away.
When my dad died I felt grief along with peace and understanding. It built my faith.
Right now I feel grief along with confusion and anger. It tries my faith. I don't understand. I see no purpose in this. I am shocked. I am angry. I am grieved. I am mourning. I can't believe she is gone. I hope that someday I find the purpose in this.
For now I just hold my nieces (who look just like her) and remember all the good times I had with my sister.
6 comments:
Amanda, I am so sorry about your sister. I am praying for you and for her family. I hope that you can find some peace...I know that when my little brother died two years ago it was so, so hard, and I just wanted you to know that my thoughts are with you.
I was discussing prayer with Brad once after a particularly hard trial and mentioned that when I pray, it is, at times, a very emotionally charged tirade on my part. I don't hold anything back. If I'm angry at God, I let him know in no uncertain terms. If my heart is breaking and I don't think I can take it, I let him know with that kind of helpless desperation we all know so well. Brad was surprised that I would direct these kinds of things in prayer. Well, the truth is, He cares how we feel even if we know, inherently and somewhere deep down, that it is misdirected. Furthermore, it's OK to feel. I would rather my children be mad at me and tell me they hate me than to be indifferent. I can help them work through anger and frustration. I can't help them if they don't communicate with me. So it is with Him. Keep pouring it out, even if you think you may never feel anything but confusion concerning the situation. I'm sure you are doing this, but keep doing it, and don't feel guilty or weak for doing it. In my experience, failing to explore emotions in any situation will inhibit understanding and peace later on. Just feel. You are allowed to.
Amanda, this truly is heartbreaking! I've been praying for you and your family this past week, and will continue to do so. Those pictures of your nieces are too adorable!!
Amanda,
You might not remember me, we were in Concert Choir together a few years ago. I just wanted to send you and your family my love. I have donated as much as I could to your sister's family. Praying that you recieve comfort from the spirit and that you all feel your Savior's love for you throughout this difficult time.
-Jenni Goodman
Oh, Manda, there are no words to even come close to this. I am so, so sorry that this has happened to your family. I just can't imagine the depth of pain -- I've had a hard time sleeping just thinking about those two sweet little girls without their mom. It has also made me see that I need to embrace more completely each day I am so blessed to have with my children and husband. Our time here is so precious and short.
I also went through periods of anger after Benjamin died. Sometimes it was overwhelming how unfair it seemed. I still don't understand it -- but I know Heavenly Father loves us. Someday all will be right with His covenant people.
Love you so much. Aching to be there to put my arms around you.
I love you. I'm so, so sorry. I know my words can't help but I love you and have been thinking of you all week. I wish I could give you a big hug.
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