Learning to Be Happy

I found this wonderful piece written by Krista Oakes. It can be found at 2ofus4now.org.

When I was 12, I knew I would finally be happy when I turned 16 and could drive and date.

When I was 16, I knew I would finally be happy when I started college and lived on my own.

When I was in college, I knew I would finally be happy when I graduated and got married.

When we were newlyweds, I knew I would finally be happy when we had good jobs and a nice place to live.

When we had good jobs and a nice place to live, I knew I would finally be happy when we had kids.

When we had kids, I knew I would finally be happy when they slept through the night and were potty trained...

...when they went to school...

...when they graduated from school...

...when they moved out and started lives of their own...

...when I reached my ideal weight...

...when I went back to my career...

...when the grandchildren came...

...when the grandchildren went back home...

...when retirement came...

...when...

Looking back on life, I never learned to be happy.

***OR***

When I was 12 I could still do kid stuff like climb trees, yet also discover lipstick.

When I was 16 my only concerns were what to wear, what grades I was getting, and whether that cute boy liked me. I had tons of energy, car keys, and a bright future.

When I was in college I lived carefree while my parents still paid many of the bills. I could do whatever I wanted and was accountable only to myself.

When I was a newlywed we had a small apartment, but it was all ours. We did silly romantic things and enjoyed discovering each other.

While we waited for kids we had wonderful opportunities to develop ourselves and our careers. We had nice things. We could go to the movies whenever we wanted without worrying about a sitter. We could travel, sleep in on Saturdays, and eat cold pizza for breakfast. As we struggled with ongoing infertility, we strengthened our marriage and learned a lot about how faith and prayer work.

When the kids finally came we had the chance to learn complete unselfishness. We traded nice furniture and sleep for original crayon art, peanut butter fingerprints, and plastic dishes. Our entertainment wasn't at the movie theater, but in the playpen.

As the kids grew we saw each personality emerge. We learned a lot about patience. We learned to worry less and laugh more with each child.

When the kids grew up and moved away, we rediscovered our marriage. We replaced the beat up furniture and indulged in white carpeting.

When the grandkids came, we became young again.

When retirement came, we served a mission together. We were glad to know that we could still be attracted to each other despite our wrinkles and creaky joints and dentures.

Looking back on life, we learned to be happy in every season.

I am not going to spend any more of my time wishing my life away. I am going to find happiness now, in what I do have. All good things and all the righteous desires of my heart will be met in the Lord's time and in the Lord's way.

Right now I have a beautiful new home in NC. I get to focus nearly all my energy on being the best music teacher I can be and building my career. I get to sleep in on Saturday and Sunday. Mark and I can go anywhere, eat anything, and just enjoy being together without the pressure of parenthood. So even though I want to be a parent more than anything, I will not be any happier then than I am right now because I am choosing to find joy in the life I currently live.

Heavy Arms

Who knew empty arms could be so heavy? I really felt it for the first time today in church watching all my sisters-in-law with their beautiful children. My arms actually felt heavy, like I couldn't lift them from my sides. They just hurt for a baby of my own.

It has been family reunion week. My family-in-law has been so sensitive about my infertility. They let me hold their babies and rock their babies to sleep. They do not talk about parenthood or pregnancy around me. They did one time and so I excused myself to go and read, and then one of them came and apologized to me. Even though that was not necessary, I very much appreciated their love and concern. They really are the best family I could have ever asked for.

And even though I got to hold and play with my beautiful nieces and nephews, it is just not quite the same. Because at the end of the day every child wants their mother, not an aunt/sister.

I am going to start more infertility treatment in September. Here's hoping...