Valuing Our Differences

Mark said the most wonderful thing to me the other day. I think he was inspired.

I had just spent 4 hours babysitting for a family in our ward who is moving next week. They needed some kid free time in order to pack. So I had their one year old, their three year old, and my 3 month old son. In those 4 hours I took all three kids to the park, held one boy in the baby carrier and the other on my hip while playing make-believe with the three year old. An hour later back at the house I managed to calm both crying boys and get them down for naps while keeping the three year old entertained. I felt like super-woman and when Mark came home I told him so. I said "I got skiillss." And even though I was being silly I really believed it and Mark very seriously agreed with me.

I asked him if he was impressed. He said he was absolutely impressed. I asked "Really?" and he said "Yes!" He then went on to explain that mothering and other "womanly" skills are just as difficult and important as working outside the home. He said unfortunately as our society has progressed those skills are simply not valued as highly as the skills of "men."

Mark wasn't being condescending at all. He was truly impressed by my skills and for the first time since I started being a stay at home mom I felt really confident. I felt really good about my choice. I felt really good about my role as a wife and a mother. Because you know what? Those really are SKILLS. They are not easy. They are challenging. And not everyone can do them. Men are typically not nearly as good at it. But no one faults them for it. However, women are often faulted for lacking worldly, "manly" skills and as my husband pointed out it is just sad. It is sad that a woman can no longer be valued as being a woman. He said everyone appreciates it and values it when they are receiving it as a child but when they grow up and forget about it they cease to value it.

Hearing those words from my husband's lips really boosted my self-esteem. He is awesome. He values our differences as do I. He knows I am smart and skilled. He encourages me to be my best self. And you know what? I know he is smart and skilled and I encourage him to be his best self. We are a team. And he struggles as much in his role as provider as I do in my role as nurturer so we strive to build each other up in each of those roles. I spent two years as sole provider so I know what that is like. And he takes time with Austin every day so he knows what my role is like. And we talk about it and encourage each other in our weakness and self-doubt. I love my husband. He is truly my better half in every way.

Moral Dilemma: Between a rock and a hard place

Social Networking has become a powerful force in this world for good and for evil. I feel like I am between Scylla and Charybdis: How do I decry moral decay on my social networking sites while at the same time projecting a non-judgmental Christ-like charity for all people?

I rarely post anything political whether I agree with it or not. I am non-confrontational and I simply do not want to deal with the repercussions of posting politically or morally charged statements. I also do not want to offend people I consider friends and I know by sharing or posting certain things I would. I have a diverse group of friends.

That being said I am offended by some of the things they post. I feel that in their anxiety to make their voice heard about what they truly believe to be right they say some pretty hateful and horrible things themselves. Where is the love in the world? Why can't we disagree and still be friends? Why do we have to be so disagreeable? Why does it matter to you what I think of gay marriage? Of gun control? Of abortion?

Why is it that if I believe gay marriage is wrong that I am a bigot? The definition of bigot is as follows:

A person who is utterly intolerant of any differing creed, belief, or opinion.

I consider myself to be very tolerant. I am not intolerant of anyone's beliefs or opinions. I tolerate them. I just don't agree. I have gay family members. I have gay friends. The best neighbors I have ever had are gay (For heaven's sake, they take our trash out EVERY WEEK!) I love them. All of them. I think they should have the choice to live as they see fit without judgement. That being said, I disagree with the lifestyle. I think it is morally wrong. I don't thing marriage should apply to that situation. To me marriage is a religious institution, not a right. There. I said it. I disagree with gay marriage. Do I think they deserve all the "rights" that heterosexual couples have? Sure I do. They love each other and care for each other. They should have hospital visitation rights, tax benefits, etc... Just do not call it marriage. For me I suppose it is a title thing. Marriage is reserved for a man and woman.

Now why can't I say it on facebook? Is it because I lack the courage? Am I so worried about offending "man" that I do not defend my God and his commandments? Or am I doing the right thing by quietly disagreeing and living my life the way God has commanded and reaching out (in person) to those around me?

I think abortion is okay-- in certain situations. It should absolutely not be made illegal. Women find themselves in a terrible situation if they are the victims of rape, incest, or a life threatening pregnancy. It is in those situations I think abortion is okay. Don't feed me the "Well she can put it up for adoption" line either. Pregnancy is an absolutely all-encompassing experience. A woman should not have to live with the negative effects of a crime or someone else's bad choices. She shouldn't. So I believe abortion should be legal. And what about the life of the unborn child? Well we don't know when the spirit of a child enters the body. It might be instant and it might not. I think God knows. Maybe it is at a different time for each pregnancy. Who knows. All I know is that if a woman or girl has experience any of the above she has had enough trauma in her life already.

Planned Parenthood is a wonderful idea. Of course I don't believe in "If you can't beat 'em, join 'em" but I honestly don't think that "abstinence only" sexual education is adequate. You are free to disagree with me. I would rather have people educated about birth control than having abortions willy-nilly.

Gun Control? Well... I truthfully do not have much of an opinion there. I am not a hunter. I do not go to the range and fire shots off for fun. I am not a gun collector. But I have friends who are. They are wonderful people. I sort of take a back seat with this issue. I do not know the current rules and regulations well enough to believe they are strict enough or need to be tighter. I admit my ignorance.

Whew. I said a lot in this post. If you are still reading kudos to you. Mostly I just wrote it to get these things off my chest. Blogging is another form of social media but it is so much more personal. I don't have a limited number of characters. I can try and post my truest feelings and intentions. I know that this post will make some people angry. They will decry my religious ways. Call me ignorant, biased, bigoted, etc... But before you write hateful or hurtful comments imagine this:

We are having this discussion face to face.

Etiquette is so much different in person than it is online. Why is that? Why can we be so hurtful to one another anonymously when we would NEVER do it in real life? That is the real pity of social networking. Too often real thoughts, feelings, and intentions can't be projected. So much of communication is body language and tone of voice, which are completely lost in social networking.

Now. Would you still say that hateful or horrible thing to me if we were having this conversation in person? Could I trust you enough to have this open conversation with you? I hope so. You are more than welcome to agree or disagree with me. You can quote statistics to me all you want and I will graciously listen to you as I would hope you will graciously listen to me.

The thoughts I have expressed are my own. They do not make me love anyone less no matter what their lifestyle. They are simply an expression of how I choose to live my life and how I encourage others to live theirs. That being said just realize that no matter what you choose God loves you and I probably do (would) too.

1 Samuel 16:7

But the Lord said unto Samuel, Look not on his countenance, or on the height of his stature; because I have refused him: for theLord ^aseeth not as ^bman seeth; for man looketh on the outward^cappearance, but the ^dLord looketh on the ^eheart.

My Last Day

My sixth graders just left. I told them I probably will not be returning next year. They were crying. One came up to me quietly at the end and said "Mrs. Bailey? Please don't leave." Then she gave me a hug a left. I love these young people. I love them. I want them to grow up to be happy and productive adults. I have loved being their teacher. It has been MY honor and privilege to work with them, not the other way around. They are wonderful young people so full of promise. Now I understand why President Hinckley would say all those wonderful things about the youth and why he encouraged us so much. There is so much beauty and promise and excitement there. I love these young people and my heart just breaks to leave them.

Mixed Feelings

I am surprised I didn't publish this post. I am so glad I wrote this when I did and I am happy to say that being a SAHM has been an absolute delight for me. That being said there is still a part of my heart in Reidsville. I should be going back to work in a week and a half and I am not. I have still been having strange and sad dreams about it and yearnings to teach.

But living with, taking care of, and loving Austin is an absolute joy that I would not trade for anything in the world. Really. I wouldn't trade it for anything.


April 12, 2012

Tomorrow is my last day of working as an employee for a long time. Years probably. I have held down a job since my freshman year of college with no breaks (except for student teaching). Before that I worked every summer beginning at age 16. I know motherhood is work. Hard work. And it is a job. A hard job. But it is a new job. And frankly I am feeling... anxious. Inadequate. Excited. Nervous. Happy.

Sad...

Why sad? Because I love my job. Being a teacher (and a teacher at RMS) is so awesome. I LOVE my students. I LOVE my coworkers. I LOVE my administration. I have made so many beautiful memories and so many wonderful friends.

It is just past midnight here in NC and I can't sleep because tomorrow is my last day of work for a while. And I am so sad to leave my job. I didn't think I would be. Before I got pregnant I used to judge whether or not I had a good day at work by whether or not I wanted to get pregnant and have the choice to leave my job. Silly right? Yes. Very.

I am scared to leave the stability of my salary and benefits. I am sad to leave my friends and students. I am sad to leave the life I have grown to love so much. I will miss the regularity and scheduled lifestyle of being a teacher. I will miss the companionship of my coworkers. I will miss the challenge of helping my students become so much more than they thought they could be. I will just miss it.

I will probably cry myself home tomorrow.

I know being a mother will be rewarding too. Probably more rewarding even than being a teacher. But tonight I am mourning the loss of the life I have loved as a teacher and feeling so much gratitude in my heart for a Heavenly Father who blessed me with the best job ever while I waited to become a mother.

So if I love my job so much why don't I just keep working and be a mom and a teacher? Because after a lot of thought and a lot of prayer I know deep in my heart that I am making the right decision to stay home and raise my own child. I know it. I have asked Heavenly Father to confirm it to me multiple times and he has. I truly believe I am making the best decision/sacrifice for my family.

For me it really does feel like a sacrifice too. I am sacrificing my career (for the time being) to support my husband in his and to be a mother. I hate thinking of it this way and saying it this way but I kind of feel like I am taking a back seat to my husband and children. I have to admit that I feel jealous of Mark. I feel jealous that he will get to go out every day and further his career and create professional relationships with colleagues and constantly build his mind and abilities outside of the home. Because I know what that is like. I have done it for the last two years. It is hard work but it is so rewarding and you get lots of pats on the back for it and the feedback is immediate. From what I understand motherhood is not exactly like that.

I have asked myself a thousand times, "What do SAHMs do all day?" Not in a derogatory way or a way that suggests that a working woman is more valuable to society. But in a honest, open way because I just. don't. know. My mom worked. My grandmother worked. I have no memory of a mom who stayed home. I don't know what they do. I don't know how they do it. I guess I'll figure it out right?

I want to keep my mind and abilities sharp but I don't know how to do that. I want to maintain interest in other things and develop skills but I don't know how to do that. School and music performance is what I have truly loved and been good at my entire life. But that is largely going to be over now. So now what?

As you can see I am a mixed bag of emotions tonight.

But more than all of this I look at my swollen belly and think of my little Austin in there and I imagine what it is going to be like to hold him in just a few more days and I think "Man. This is totally worth it. He is totally worth it." So even though I am sad and scared and confused I am also so humbled and excited and happy! I can't wait to hold this little person and show him how to be a good person and help him become the best person he can be. I love you already my dearest Austin and I can't wait for your arrival.

Doing What Works

The first few weeks of Austin's life were hard for me. I had read a couple of books but the advice therein didn't seem to be working for me. He didn't sleep well and I was exhausted. Then one day a very nice girl from my church came over to bring me dinner. Her son was two months older than mine. She gave me the best advice. She told me that in the two months she had been a mother she had already learned that there is no one right way to do things. There is no one magic method that works on every child. She said that after about six weeks she realized that what really mattered was doing what worked. And after her visit I finally started to relax.

A few days later I also read this awesome article on some blog I came across. I wish I had the link. It might be on my facebook somewhere. I'll have to troll through and see. It was about being a feminist who chose to stay home and raise her family. And that is a nice thought. But there was one paragraph that really stood out to me. It did not have a ton to do with her article but I feel like Heavenly Father guided me to that blog post just to hear her perspective which was this:

Women of her generation (she was born in the 60s I think) were not afraid to be mothers. They had children and then followed their instincts about what to do with the child. They did not worry about doing it all "right" and "according to the book." They just did it. In her experience women of my generation are fearful mothers who are trying to do everything right and perfectly and find motherhood overwhelming and stressful.

And then a few days after I read about following my instincts I was rocking Austin to sleep worrying about when he would "finally" start sleeping through the night, wondering which sleep training methods I would use when I got a distinct impression in my mind from Heavenly Father that said, "Don't worry about it. It will just happen."

And guess what? It did. He just gradually went from 3 hour stretches at night to 4, then 5, then 6, then 7. Now he gives me one good 7-8 hour stretch at night. If I am really lucky it will be 9.

And just today Austin woke up 45 minutes into his morning nap. So I tried having him cry it out. Well that didn't work. So I tried having Mark go in and rock him back to sleep. Well, that didn't work either. So I went in and rocked him myself and he fell right back asleep for another 45 minutes.

Again today Austin woke up 45 minutes into his second nap. So right when he started to fuss I went in and rocked him back to sleep. It worked like a charm. Until I put him down. Then he woke up. So I rocked him again and put him in his swing where he has been sleeping for 20 more minutes. I'm just trying to do what works.

So if I could give any advice to a new mother it would be to not stress about doing it "right." I would tell her to follow her instincts. I would tell her to do what works for her and for her child. I would tell her the only right way to raise her child is her own loving and unique way because I know from my own experience and impressions from a loving God that the best way for me has been my way. And I couldn't be happier.

Scars

There are times when I wish I could have had a vaginal birth. That is the natural way of things. I think there is something special about the experience. But that is not the way it worked out for me. And I am totally okay with that. In fact, I am thankful for it. 

Every now and then I just have to touch my scar from my c-section to make sure my life is real. I am so happy and I feel so blessed to be a mother that sometimes it just doesn't feel real. It doesn't feel like I was ever pregnant or that motherhood can really be happening to me. So at those times I touch my scar and rub the numb place on my abdomen right above it to remind myself that it did indeed happen. I was pregnant. I do have a baby. I am a mother. And I couldn't be happier. 

Story Time

Today I was reading A. a story. Several stories actually. As we sat together on the couch and I read to him using all the voices, I felt a real closeness to my own father. My dad used to read to me all the time. He was a wonderful storyteller and really made stories come alive for me. I used to beg my dad to read me stories. He loved to have his head scratched so sometimes we would trade. I would scratch his head so he would read me a story. I miss my dad so much. I love telling A. things about my dad. I hope he can grow to love the memory of my father almost as much as I love my father.

4th of July Celebrations

We have a tradition at the Bailey house for breakfast on the 4th of July: Freedom Toast! We were excited to share it with our "All American Boy" this year :) 

After breakfast we got ready for the first of two barbecues of the day. The first barbecue was with friends: the Whites, the Condons, and the Orton-Gulleruds. It was the first time Mark and I have ever hosted a party at our house and it was a roaring success. We had a fabulous time and we hope our friends did too!

It was unbearably hot outside, but poor Mark braved the impossible weather and grilled us up some burgers and hotdogs. The rest of us enjoyed the AC inside. Mark did too-- once the burgers were done. He is such a champ. I married the best man on earth.

After our first barbecue of burgers and hotdogs we had a 2nd barbecue with the missionaries and the Condons. The Condons came to both barbecues :) We had shish kebabs and grilled pineapple (a la Father's day). Austin was having a tough evening though so I didn't get any pictures of that one.

After the missionaries left we packed up Austin and headed over to the Condon's house. After putting the kiddos to bed we enjoyed setting off fireworks in the street and watching Captain America while we ate ice cream sundaes. It was basically the best 4th of July ever.

Our 4th of July festivities were a blast. But the only reason we were able to celebrate at all was because of the bravery of a few men signing a document declaring their rights and freedoms. Today we maintain that freedom because countless men and women have given their lives in service to our country. I feel truly blessed to live in the United States of America. It really is the land of the free and home of the brave. Despite the many problems that beset our country I am PROUD to be an American. I would rather be an American with all our difficulties than citizen of any other country. I love this land. God Bless America.

Tummy Time

 We love tummy time at the Bailey house :)

The Nursery

Austin's nursery is simple. The theme is comfort-- meaning I simply made it as comfortable as possible for myself and for him. It is nothing fancy. It is very eclectic. But it suits us perfectly. A huge thank you to my friend Emily. She is the one who created the name banner and the framed saying "I am a Child of God." (If you would like to, please click on the link to her adoption blog at the bottom of my page and add the link to your blog!!!) Another huge thank you to Andrea. She is the one who provided the crib skirt and bedding. My mom helped arrange everything. She also made the wall hanging over the crib. She is amazing. Did you know that Mini Coopers used to be called Austin Minis? Who knew?! (Mark, obviously. He chose the wall sign with the car on it :)

Austin's Rich Uncle(s)

Okay. So rich might not be the word for it. Maybe the post should have been titled "Austin's retired Uncle(s)." And technically it is his Great Uncle. For Austin's birth my Uncle David and his partner Paul sent us a gift card to Babies'r'Us. It was so nice and generous of them. I really do love my Uncle David and Paul. David is my dad's older brother. For his birthday Austin got the following toys from his Great Uncle David and Paul:

Safari Puzzle, Butterfly Puzzle/Stack Toy, O-Ball, O-Football, ABC links, Fisher Price Vehicle Links, Pacifier Clip, and a  Door Stopper.

Okay, so a couple of those aren't toys, but they will definitely be useful. Thanks Uncle Dave! Thanks Paul!

Austin's Three Month Update

I can't believe my son is three months old already! He grows so fast that I can literally see changes in him from the beginning of the week to the end, and that is saying something since I am with him 24/7.

I can't imagine my life without Austin. He is such a champ. I love him more every day that passes.

At three months:

Austin has found his thumb. Not his fingers, or hand, his thumb. And he loves to suck on it. As awesome as self soothing is I really would like to not have to wean him off his thumb so whenever we see him with it in his mouth we try to replace it with a pacifier. But he does seem to like this thumb better than the pacifier... so we'll see what wins out in the end. You have to pick your battles, even with a three month old!

Austin sleeps consistently for 7-8 hours every night and takes at least one 3 hour nap every day, usually two. He is a GREAT sleeper, which makes me a very, very (lucky) happy mom. He often puts himself to sleep, which is also great.

Austin is a BIG smiler. When he wakes up he always gives whoever gets him a HUGE smile. Sometimes the first thing he sees is himself if he is asleep in his swing. There is a mirror just above him. So if he sees himself first after a nap then he just sits there and smiles and coos at himself. It is awesome.

Austin loves to "talk" with mom and dad. He coos and babbles. He still doesn't have laughing down yet but I can tell he is trying.

Austin is becoming more and more interested in toys! It makes playtime more fun.

Austin really likes to just sit and listen to mom practice the piano. I think he is going to be a musician.

Austin is not sure about bottles anymore. He used to take them like a champ. He gets at least one a day just to keep up his skill and lately he has been resisting the bottle but he still takes it eventually. Here's hoping he keeps it up!

Austin has rediscovered his love of tummy time. He loved it, then hated it, now he likes it again. He moves around a TON! I am amazed that in the course of about 5 minutes he can turn almost a full circle on his tummy. He sure a strong boy!

Austin still loves to be swaddled but can no longer be fully swaddled at night. He has to be swaddled with one arm out at night because he can roll over onto his belly if fully swaddled but not back to his back. He can't quite roll over at all with one arm out so that keeps him safe for now :)

Austin is just starting to grow out of his 0-3 month clothing, which is appropriate since he is 3 months old. He is growing so fast!!!

If you read that whole post good for you. Mostly I wrote it down for myself. I love Austin so much. I am just enjoying every moment and every phase because I may never have another child with which to enjoy this little things. Austin might be it. So I treasure every. single. moment. I LOVE this boy!!!

Cut a Brother a Break!

I had a friend post about this on facebook:

She found it very upsetting, chauvinistic and somewhat misogynistic as well. I agreed that it is definitely not the best comparison. In fact, it is pretty bad. People shouldn't be compared to pigs. I then read a blog post someone mentioned in the comments on her facebook found here: http://mormonchildbride.blogspot.com/2012/07/take-sad-song-and-make-it-better.html

That person is pretty disparaging of the above meme as well. Some of the comments on her post are so horrible and hateful toward men. She says that she thinks any sort of patriarchal society is bad. I disagree. Someone has to be the head of the family. We don't have multiple prophets at the head of the church, we have one. A family shouldn't have multiple heads, it should have one. But like the prophet it should take counsel, advice, and help from others (i.e. the wife). Seriously. I am a woman. I like to think I am fairly progressive as well, somewhat of a feminist but really: cut a brother a break.

I digress. Mainly I am upset by how hateful some of the women are toward men in the comments section. They complain and complain and say essentially that a man has no right to blame a woman for his bad thoughts and that a woman should be able to wear what she wants and that a man should be able to "control" himself and his thoughts.

Well I agree. A man should be able to control himself and his thoughts. But let's help a brother out here ladies! A woman can choose to dress how she will. That is her right as a woman. But if a man gets aroused or a bad thought in his head when he sees her whose fault is it? His? Hers? I believe it is not anyone's fault. Biology's fault if the fault can be put anywhere at all! Having a bad thought cross your mind is NOT a sin. It just happens. Dwelling on that thought IS sinful. Acting on that thought is DEFINITELY sinful. So if a woman chooses to dress "immodestly" if you will, and a man gets a bad thought in his head he should not blame her, he should just dismiss the thought and realize that it is just the natural man. It is not his fault. It is not her fault. It just is.

However, why can't we, as women, help a brother out by dressing modestly?  His biology makes him a visual creature. Sure it isn't your fault. Like I said, it isn't anyone's fault. Let's not place blame here. But do let's help each other out. I mean doesn't it say that in the D&C? The whole point of the Word of Wisdom is to help out "the weakest among you." There is nothing inherently evil in wine or coffee. Jesus drank wine! He made wine from water for heaven's sake! For centuries the safest thing to drink was beer because water was contaminated! BUT in the day and age we live in alcohol has devastating effects on families and individuals because of its availability and our expansive amount of leisure time (relative to our ancestors). So we ALL abstain from alcohol to help those who are not strong enough to say no or only have a little bit. And we don't get all worked up about that! So why about this?

I agree. It is a bad meme. A bad comparison. But why all the hate? Come on ladies. It is just his biology. He really can't help those thoughts from coming. He can dismiss them when they do and not act on them or think about it further. But really. Help a brother out and dress modestly.

Split Decision

I have been dreaming about Reidsville. I have been dreaming about it at every nap and every night for the last 5 or 6 days. Each dream is about the same. In one dream my kids were stuck with this awful teacher who was really mean to them and I felt horrible for leaving them. In another dream my old high school teacher became their teacher and then didn't give me any credit for having taught them anything. She said she would give me a little credit for what they sounded like, but mostly it was her teaching that had made them awesome but I KNEW it had been my teaching and I just wanted them back, all to myself. In another dream there were over 400 applicants for my position and the district had just made it infinitely harder to apply. My dad was there. He was part of the application process. They were about the make a decision between the 400 applicants and I was in despair because I could never complete the process in time to get my job back.

So you see. Lots of dreams about Reidsville and my old job. Needless to say that because of the dreams I have been thinking a lot about it. It was the best job in the whole world. I loved my coworkers. I loved the administration. But most of all I loved my students. A part of me feels like I abandoned them. I already miss them terribly. I would be lying if I didn't admit that I have been questioning my decision to stay home and raise Austin. I sometimes imagine what it would be like to be a working mother. I am jealous of the person they have hired to replace me. I am jealous of Mark going to work every day and building his career and relationships. And it is hard. It is a nasty feeling to have. And like I said: I miss work and I miss my job and I miss the fulfillment and sense of purpose I had in my life as a teacher.

That being said, all I have to do is really take a good look at this face:

And think about who would be there with him in the middle of the day playing with him, teaching him to read, watching him explore the world around him, praying with him, feeding him, and comforting him to know: I MADE THE RIGHT DECISION.

No one can replace a mother or her love. No one can get back the first years of a child's life. Anyone who wants to can go back to teaching. I made the right decision. And you know what? After thinking about it, it wasn't really a split decision after all.