I have been dreaming about Reidsville. I have been dreaming about it at every nap and every night for the last 5 or 6 days. Each dream is about the same. In one dream my kids were stuck with this awful teacher who was really mean to them and I felt horrible for leaving them. In another dream my old high school teacher became their teacher and then didn't give me any credit for having taught them anything. She said she would give me a little credit for what they sounded like, but mostly it was her teaching that had made them awesome but I KNEW it had been my teaching and I just wanted them back, all to myself. In another dream there were over 400 applicants for my position and the district had just made it infinitely harder to apply. My dad was there. He was part of the application process. They were about the make a decision between the 400 applicants and I was in despair because I could never complete the process in time to get my job back.
So you see. Lots of dreams about Reidsville and my old job. Needless to say that because of the dreams I have been thinking a lot about it. It was the best job in the whole world. I loved my coworkers. I loved the administration. But most of all I loved my students. A part of me feels like I abandoned them. I already miss them terribly. I would be lying if I didn't admit that I have been questioning my decision to stay home and raise Austin. I sometimes imagine what it would be like to be a working mother. I am jealous of the person they have hired to replace me. I am jealous of Mark going to work every day and building his career and relationships. And it is hard. It is a nasty feeling to have. And like I said: I miss work and I miss my job and I miss the fulfillment and sense of purpose I had in my life as a teacher.
That being said, all I have to do is really take a good look at this face:
And think about who would be there with him in the middle of the day playing with him, teaching him to read, watching him explore the world around him, praying with him, feeding him, and comforting him to know: I MADE THE RIGHT DECISION.
No one can replace a mother or her love. No one can get back the first years of a child's life. Anyone who wants to can go back to teaching. I made the right decision. And you know what? After thinking about it, it wasn't really a split decision after all.
3 comments:
Ahh, the transition into mommyhood. Once Addilyn was a few months old, I started really noticing "Help Wanted" signs. My first reaction thought was thinking if I should look into getting a job there. Then I would realize oh wait, I have a baby and my husband works for the money. I don't have to. WHAT A BLESSING!!
When I first started reading the post, it reminded me of the nightmares I've had about not attending class in college but having to take the final. Another was looking for housing and the only thing left was a little cut out in the wall at the end of the cultural hall just big enough for me to sleep in. I could tell you more and more. Back to your post, you are wiser beyond your years. You did make the right decision to be there for Austin and for Mark! You are one of my heros (heroines)!
I loved this post because this is something I have been thinking about constantly lately. When (if) the time comes, will I be able to give up my job? Just when things seems to be going so well? I even talked about this with my counselor because it has been haunting me. I never thought it would be something I would ever worry about because choosing a family was a no brainer. But spendding so much time single and having my job be center in my life for so long makes me question how I can ever give it up! Thanks for the perspective and cute pics of Austin.
Post a Comment