Five (and a half) Month Update

I missed the five month update so I thought I would just wait until 6 months but Austin is just doing so many cute things that I had to share!

So. The 5.5 month update:

Austin loves to roll over! He rolls mostly to one side and he will roll all across the room, get stuck, cry for help and do it again. It is precious. He actually enjoys tummy time now that he can go back and forth himself. He often falls asleep on his tummy while he plays if it is near his nap time. 

Austin loves to touch faces. As I nurse him he reaches up to touch my face. As I rock him to sleep he reaches up to touch my face until he falls asleep. As his dad or grandma or nana or grandpa are playing with him he reaches up to touch their faces. He loves faces!

Austin eats solid food! He still makes a funny face at the beginning of each feeding but mostly he has really enjoyed it.

Austin makes a new noise. It is a whining noise. He closes his mouth and sort of goes hmmm-hmmm-hmmm. It is really, really cute.

Austin still loves to suck his thumb. He does it more than ever. The pacifier is becoming a thing of the past.

Austin is still as smiley as ever. He smiles and smiles and smiles all day long. 

He sleeps consistently for 10 hours and then after a brief feeding for 2 hours more. It is wonderful.

Austin is becoming really interested in toys. He loves to grab them and bang them on the table if you hold him sitting up. He loves to grab anything in his reach. It is getting tricky to hold him on your lap while you eat.

Austin loves to swim. He even fell asleep in his Nana's arms as she held him and walked around in the pool. It was so sweet. 

I think those are most of the big developments. If I remember more I will for sure write them down. It is such a joy to mother that young boy :) He is starting to recognize me! (Or as Mark has said-- he recognizes everyone who isn't me :) 

In Loving Memory

Three years ago today (at almost this exact hour actually) I was flying in from Salt Lake City to Phoenix. My mom had told me the day before that she needed help and that she couldn't take care of my dad by herself anymore. So I hopped on a plane, forgot about my classes, and came to Arizona to help her. I flew in, my Aunt Laura picked me up and drove me to Snowflake, and I spent most of the day holding my dad's hand and reading to him. He wasn't coherent. In fact, I never again saw him that way. That night at about 8:00 PM as I was holding his hand he took his last two breaths and passed away.

Three years. Some people have said "Wow! Three years! It has gone by so fast! I can't believe it has been three years!" I know they mean well and don't mean to be insensitive but it hurts when they say it. It has definitely felt like three years to me. It hasn't gone by fast. I have felt his absence almost every day of these last three years. I cannot tell you how many times I have thought "Oh, if only my dad were here!" or "I wish my dad were here to see this!" or "I wonder what my dad would say/do?" or "I bet my dad would be so proud!" or "If dad were here things would be different" or "My dad would have loved this" or "I wish I could share this with my dad."

I miss my dad. I miss him more than words can express. And it has been a long and sad three years without him. So many joyful things have happened in my life. I don't want to give the impression that my life has been misery since his passing. It hasn't! I have had wonderful life experiences. But I know they would be that much more wonderful if he were around.

I am still on vacation in AZ. On Tuesday I went for a jog while my mom stayed with my sleeping baby. I jogged to my dad's grave and sat leaning against his headstone as I looked at the temple. I wanted to feel sad but the day was beautiful, the sun was shining, there was a slight breeze and I couldn't help but feel peace as I watched the clouds go by and looked toward the temple. I am so glad families are an eternal unit and that I will see my dad again someday.

As I sat in the cemetery I thought of my dad and I thought of all the ways I am like him. It sounds cheesy to say that your ancestors live forever in you but they do. There are so many things I like about myself that I can trace right back to my dad-- so many qualities we share. So I know he not only lives forever as a spirit son of God but he also lives forever in my memory as the best sort of person and the best sort of father there ever was. I am so proud to be his daughter. I am so blessed that I got to be part of his life and that he was a part of mine (however briefly).

Sometimes I look at the dusty little town of Snowflake, AZ and think I could never live here again. And then I remember my dad and how proud he was of that tiny town and how he put his heart and soul into making the community better and I feel proud of it. And I feel proud of him. I want to be like that. I want to be the sort of person that gives 100% of myself to whatever I choose to pursue. I want to make the place around me better for me having been there, just like my dad did. I want to be as generous with my time and resources as my dad. I want to be as outgoing as my dad. I want to be as good of a parent as my dad was. I want to be as repentant and humble as my dad became. I want to create lasting memories with my children like my dad did for me. I want to be just like my dad.

I miss him. In three years the feeling of me missing my dad hasn't changed a bit. I thought it might. I thought I might miss him less as time went on. But three years down the road I still miss him the exact same. I am not sure it will ever change.

So today through my tears and sadness I feel hope and faith and gratitude for my father and my Savior, Jesus Christ who made it possible for me to see my dad again. I miss my dad and it is good to pause and reflect and remember. But now it is time again to move forward through another year.

I am going to honor my dad's memory by living my life in such a way that he would be proud. I am going to serve others around me. I am going to be the best parent I can to my son. I am going to live so that I will be worthy to see my dad again in heaven.

Full of Joy

Did you ever feel so happy you felt as though you might just burst?

Or have you ever felt so peaceful that you wondered what in the world you could have possibly done to deserve such a wonderful feeling?

I feel that way tonight. Nothing remarkable has happened. All I did today was babysit for a friend, clean my house, play with my baby, plan a baby shower, and rehearse briefly with my church's choir (I am the pianist.)

The only recent change in my situation is that there is no longer any unknowns in our travel plans. We have made our decision and finalized our plans. That feels good.

Other than that my peace and happiness is inexplicable. Perhaps it is because tomorrow is Friday and I know I get to go on a date with my husband. Perhaps it is because I know that I get to spend and entire Saturday morning with my husband. Perhaps it is because I have the most beautiful baby in the world. I don't really know what is causing this peace but I am going to enjoy every minute of it.

That being said I do read the news and I am sorry for all the hate and sadness in the world... especially the hate. I am not sure what I can do for the hatred in the world beyond teaching my son tolerance and loving and living those principles in my own life for others to see.

I thank God for my peace and pray that he may grant unto others the vision and ability to find their own.

Things that make me think...

I enjoy reading. I especially enjoy reading things that make me think or cause me to actually put into concrete words my personal opinions and ideas instead of just letting them remain as vague feelings and inclinations.

It is often things that I disagree with or things that I have a negative gut reaction to that cause me to step back, evaluate they why of my reaction, and either come up with real reasons why my reaction was appropriate or else to change my opinion.

Does that make sense? I guess what I am saying in a nutshell is that I enjoy reading controversial topics that challenge my way of thinking.

I used to think I was somewhat of a feminist-- until I actually started to read what many feminists (especially Mormon feminists) had to say. Some of the stuff they opine upon or pontificate about I seriously disagree with. They often present their points of view in such a way that it seems like anyone with a brain couldn't possibly disagree with them. I often do disagree with them but I love that they write about it so strongly and so passionately. I often find that I cannot disagree with them in any sort of eloquent way. It is in those moments that my vague inclinations of what is right, wrong, acceptable or unacceptable are challenged and I am forced to sit back and materialize my own opinions instead of letting them remain vague inclinations.

I love reading the comments on these blogs because there are always one or two dissenters (like myself) who are so eloquent and who seem to say what I am thinking so perfectly and logically. It has really helped me define myself.

So to all those feminist bloggers out there I want to say thank you. Thank you for living your life passionately, for offering your opinions so freely, and for helping me to become more like you in that you cause me to reflect on my own life and create a stronger self-identity.

P.S. If you are still reading, hop over here and read this article. Holy Cow. I can't believe that was written in 1875.  Even though I do not feel in the honesty of my heart I can fully identify myself as a feminist I am sure thankful for those women who were/are and who have made it so I can develop my talents and abilities in a world that truly appreciates them instead of calling me unfeminine for my ambition.

9-11, Eleven Years Later

For me, like most others, 9-11 is a day permanently etched in my memory. I remember exactly where I was when I heard it. I remember the first class I had that day when it was talked about. I remember exactly what I was wearing: a pink plaid shirt, blue jeans, and pink flip-flops with my hair in a half ponytail. I remember going home and flipping through the channels and seeing the news about the event on every channel, even some channels that were not normally news stations. I remember sitting there watching the towers fall down over and over on the news as it was replayed and crying and feeling afraid and sad. I was 14 years old and just starting to realize that the world was a much bigger and more frightening place than my tiny town. It was an eye-opening experience.

11 years later it is still sad for me to think about but I am no longer afraid. I realize now that is what they wanted: fear. That is the whole point of terrorism. My heart still breaks for those thousands who lost family and dear friends. I can imagine what sadness they still must feel. In the intervening years I have lost my own father and it is a hard thing to lose a loved one.

I wish terrorism wasn't real. I wish the world was a more understanding and peaceful place. The world has been a different place to me since that event and I imagine for many more people as well. I wonder was growing into adulthood during the post 9-11 years any different that it would have been had 9-11 never occurred? I guess I will never know the answer to that question.

Today I would like to honor the memory of those who perished, send up a prayer for those who survived them, and commit to trying to make the world a more peaceful and less fearful place for my own child either by making a change in my community or simply raising him to love God, love life, live it to its fullest, and not be afraid.

W-I-C spells humility...

And humiliation. And embarrassment. Ugh.

So when I was about 4 months pregnant I started on the WIC program. It is a government program that helps pregnant and nursing mothers and also children with a few extra groceries each month. The groceries are healthy-- things like peanut butter, milk, cheese, fresh fruits and vegetables, whole wheat bread, fish, beans, etc... Items that can be expensive but they are paid for through the WIC program.

At 8.5 months I stopped because I missed a meeting I had with their office because I couldn't get the time off work. Then Austin was born and I was too exhausted to think. Then when I was no longer too exhausted to think (around 3 months...) I started calling the office to make an appointment but I never got through. I seriously think I called probably 3-4 times a week for almost a month trying to get through to make the appointment. I could have gone in and made the appointment, but I didn't want to drag Austin all the way down there. So last week I finally got through and made the appointment. It must have been a busy morning. The whole ordeal took about 2 hours but at the end of it I had my vouchers in hand. 

It was very humbling to go to the WIC office. I hate that we are on such a tight budget that I rely on the welfare program of the government to help me out. I try to use the word humbling instead of humiliating mostly because I could choose to make it without the WIC vouchers. But it just makes it that much easier every month, and I figure that when Mark is working and we are paying taxes we will pay it back 10 times over. And if with our taxes we enable a low income family to give their babies an extra cup of milk or a nursing mother some extra protein then it is worth it. But it is still very humbling to be on the receiving end of a government handout. 

That being said I had the most embarrassing moment today. So I got my WIC vouchers at the end of last week. And I guess I just wasn't paying attention to the dates but my vouchers don't start until the 23 of this month. Well when I got them I just figured they started right away. So I went to HT today and got everything all ready to go, got up to the counter, and was told my vouchers weren't valid. I thought I would die of embarrassment. I drove all the way home to see if I had just grabbed the wrong ones. I hadn't. So then I had to drive all the way back, apologize, have them return all the food, buy the rest of my groceries and walk out of the store. Oh. My. Goodness. I nearly started crying right there in the store. I was SO, SO embarrassed. I was so ready to get out that I forgot my cart behind my car and ran into it and scraped up the back of my car. AH! When is this horror going to end?! Okay. Maybe that is a little dramatic. But I am a dramatic person. So I got out, put the cart back, and drove home. 

End of story. I would say that definitely ranks in my top 3 most embarrassing moments.  I guess I will just have to use my vouchers next month when they are valid...

Anxiety

Today I googled anxiety just to see what the precise definition is:

anx·i·e·ty/aNGˈzī-itē/

Noun:

A feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome. Desire to do something, typically accompanied by unease.

I am impressed by the definition because it sums up what I am feeling almost to a T.

I am feeling worried, nervous, and uneasy about an imminent event/events and it does have an uncertain outcome!

I also have a desire to do something accompanied by unease.

I am uneasy about the imminent marriage of my brothers-in-law-- not for their sakes or the sakes of their fiances, but for mine. Seflish, I know. And that just makes my anxiety worse because I feel guilty about the anxiety! I am not anxious about them getting married. In fact I couldn't be happier. The girls they have chosen are fabulous women and I am so excited to get new sisters-in-law!

The reason I am uneasy is because I am so, so tired of traveling and so, so nervous about the expense. I want to go to their weddings so badly but the cost is astronomical and it is hard to see our savings dwindle with our car, computer, refrigerator, and washing machine on their last legs.

*sigh* Anxiety. What a terrible, terrible feeling. So basically the unknown is if we will have enough money to cover the cost of travel plus all of the above should any of those items decide to bite the dust. Also... we don't know if we can afford to spend Christmas with my family (who I have not seen in over 2 years.) So that is the unease affiliated to an imminent event because the outcome is uncertain: Will we go together? Separately? Will we go at all?

I hate money. Well. That is not true. I hate not having any. I hate having so many student loans (for med school) that I can't seem to see the end of them. I hate not having a job (that pays money. being a SAHM pays in other ways) to support my family. I hate that travel is so expensive. I hate that my family is so far away.

Wow. There is a lot of hate in that previous paragraph. No wonder I am feeling anxious and depressed. I like to think of myself as an optimistic person but for the last couple of weeks I have been in a negative rut. The glass has not been half full. It has been half empty.

I need to pick myself up by my bootstraps and get myself out of this rut before those weddings. I need this anxiety to be gone before those special days. Because weddings are the happiest days of a person's life. And one of the brothers-in-law is getting married on my five year anniversary! What a better way to celebrate than by being in the temple at a sealing with my sweetheart remembering the sweetness of that very day five years before!

Now that I have all that off my chest and in cyberspace I am feeling marginally better but I know that to feel fully better I have to refocus on the positive and pretend like that glass is half full until I really believe it.

I'm Not Worried... Should I Be?

I have read about getting your kid into the "right" preschool. I have read tip after tip about how to get your kid to read before kindergarten. I have read several blogs with all sorts of activities to make sure your kid has the right "skill set" before he or she enters school.

But you know what? I am just no that worried about those things. Should I be worried? Should I be more concerned? I feel 100% confident in my ability to parent my child and help him to know the important stuff before he goes to school in 5 years:

• How to share
• How to apologize 
• How to treat others kindly and play nicely
• How to be a good friend
• How to work hard
• How to play!!!
• How to listen and be obedient
• How to say please and thank you
• How to write his name
• How to recognize a few shapes and colors

I mean am I missing something? Is there more I should be doing? My job as a parent is to help him to become the best person he can become. When he goes to school his teacher will be paid to teach him the rest of his shapes and colors, patterns, math, reading, writing, etc... He/She will have been specially trained to work with small children and help them grow! Of course I will do as much as I can but I am just not that worried about it.

If I read articles or blogs about activities to do for children it will specifically be so we can have fun together. There will be no ulterior motive  or feeling that "if I don't do this my kid will be dumb!" Austin is already a smart boy.

The best place for Austin to be for the next 5 years is with a mother who loves him. The best thing I can do for him is to let him explore his world and learn how to play because that is how kids learn-- through playing. 

I will do my best as a parent but I trust my instincts and I trust that my child will learn what he needs to learn when he needs to learn it without me stressing too much about it. I know if I do my best he will be his best too.

To Do...

Today was an absolute success. I decided that there were certain things that I wanted to do and I accomplished all of them. It felt really good to have a goal and a purpose today. So tomorrow I am going to set that same goal and purpose.

Today 5 was the magic number so I think that tomorrow I will try and make 5 the magic number.

Tomorrow I want to do the following 5 things:

• Make my bed
• Exercise
• Make myself look lovely
• Do two loads of laundry
• Go grocery shopping

Those are my things for tomorrow. If I get more done, that is awesome, but for tomorrow I want it to be those. It feels good to write these things down and have an intention for the day. It helps my day to go more smoothly. I don't publish these posts. They are too personal right now. Maybe I will publish them later. 

Private thoughts on a bad day.

I'm depressed. It comes and goes. Mostly it goes so that is a good thing. But today it has come. And yesterday it came. I hope it goes tomorrow. I am trying to pin down exactly what it is that triggers me into depression.

There are lots of bad things I do when I am depressed. I take out my frustration on my innocent husband. I eat too much. It is hard for me to pick up my baby when he cries (although I can usually make myself do it.) It is an awful feeling. I hate it.

What is it that is causing me to feel this way?!? I am so done with these feelings but I can't simply think them away.

You know-- depression is a funny thing. It makes you want to go back to a time when you were not depressed and live in that time. I miss my job today something fierce. I miss my students. I miss my coworkers. I miss my job. But I would miss my baby more, so there is really no competition. But the joy of my baby doesn't quite make the sorrow I felt leaving my job go 100% away.

Today I feel fat, hairy, undesirable to my husband, lazy, and like a bad mother. I am not fat. I am hairy. I don't think I am undesirable to my husband. I am not lazy and I do the best I can at motherhood. So if my mind knows I am none of those things then why does my heart not follow suit?

I think one of the triggers was going to a friend's wedding this weekend. The wedding was lovely in every way. I was so delighted to witness it. However-- I mostly went to spend time with my roommates and I hardly got to see them at all. Two of them are now sisters-in-law and cousins to the roommate who got married. So those two stayed at their house and I wasn't ever invited to spend time with them. I was stuck at the married girl's house with a few people I didn't even know and I ended up toting them around to various wedding events. When we got anywhere they would pop out of the car and run into wherever we were going and I got no help with Austin. Then they would wonder where I was!! I was taking my kid out of the car!! I felt so useless. I felt disappointed that I didn't get to spend more time with my roommates. I felt tired. I felt sick (because I had a cold.)

It just wasn't that great of a trip for me. And I have less and less in common with my old roommates. Time marches ever onward. I think the feeling of uselessness simply came home with me and I feel useless here. And because I am depressed (and still sick) I don't feel like showering or making myself look beautiful. It is also unbearably hot here so it is hard for me to want to ever get dressed because I get so hot in my clothes and it is difficult to nurse my son in them. *sigh* So those are the reasons I think I am depressed. I am sort of in a glass half empty sort of mind when I am usually in a glass half-full sort of mind. Tomorrow I am going to do four things to get me out of my funk. If I can do more, kudos to me, but I want to at least get these four things done:

• Make the bed.
• Exercise.
• Get dressed and ready for the day.
• Make strawberry freezer jam. 
• Empty the diaper pail.

Okay. That is five. But the diaper pail is desperate :)

Time Marches On

November 2007

September 2012