Anxiety

Today I googled anxiety just to see what the precise definition is:

anx·i·e·ty/aNGˈzī-itē/

Noun:

A feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome. Desire to do something, typically accompanied by unease.

I am impressed by the definition because it sums up what I am feeling almost to a T.

I am feeling worried, nervous, and uneasy about an imminent event/events and it does have an uncertain outcome!

I also have a desire to do something accompanied by unease.

I am uneasy about the imminent marriage of my brothers-in-law-- not for their sakes or the sakes of their fiances, but for mine. Seflish, I know. And that just makes my anxiety worse because I feel guilty about the anxiety! I am not anxious about them getting married. In fact I couldn't be happier. The girls they have chosen are fabulous women and I am so excited to get new sisters-in-law!

The reason I am uneasy is because I am so, so tired of traveling and so, so nervous about the expense. I want to go to their weddings so badly but the cost is astronomical and it is hard to see our savings dwindle with our car, computer, refrigerator, and washing machine on their last legs.

*sigh* Anxiety. What a terrible, terrible feeling. So basically the unknown is if we will have enough money to cover the cost of travel plus all of the above should any of those items decide to bite the dust. Also... we don't know if we can afford to spend Christmas with my family (who I have not seen in over 2 years.) So that is the unease affiliated to an imminent event because the outcome is uncertain: Will we go together? Separately? Will we go at all?

I hate money. Well. That is not true. I hate not having any. I hate having so many student loans (for med school) that I can't seem to see the end of them. I hate not having a job (that pays money. being a SAHM pays in other ways) to support my family. I hate that travel is so expensive. I hate that my family is so far away.

Wow. There is a lot of hate in that previous paragraph. No wonder I am feeling anxious and depressed. I like to think of myself as an optimistic person but for the last couple of weeks I have been in a negative rut. The glass has not been half full. It has been half empty.

I need to pick myself up by my bootstraps and get myself out of this rut before those weddings. I need this anxiety to be gone before those special days. Because weddings are the happiest days of a person's life. And one of the brothers-in-law is getting married on my five year anniversary! What a better way to celebrate than by being in the temple at a sealing with my sweetheart remembering the sweetness of that very day five years before!

Now that I have all that off my chest and in cyberspace I am feeling marginally better but I know that to feel fully better I have to refocus on the positive and pretend like that glass is half full until I really believe it.