Until I Mean It

My brother-in-law is engaged. I am happy for him.

But I am not happy. I miss my sister so badly. I want to be a part of the lives of her daughters in a meaningful way because they are all I have left of her. But I don't know how to do it.

I have so many feelings swirling around inside of me but mostly I think I am sad and scared. I am sad because my sister is dead, and I miss her more than I ever imagined possible. I am sad because I don't feel like I will get to be a meaningful part of the lives of her children like I had planned on. I am sad because I can't swap parenting stories with her anymore. I am scared because I am afraid they will never know her or me because our connection will wither up and fade away as her death becomes a distant memory for me (and disappears entirely for her daughters). I am just... not happy.

I was angry for a little while too. But the anger is difficult to describe. I am not angry with my brother-in-law for moving on with his life. I think moving on is the best thing for him and also for his daughters. They need a woman in their life. I wish it could be me but that isn't possible. *sigh* I think I am just angry that my sister is gone. And her absence is aggravated by the fact that my brother-in-law is getting married again (and pretty soon too...)

I really want to make contact with his new fiancee because I feel like that is the best way for me to stay in touch with him and my nieces. But I have no idea how to go about it. I'll just be honest: it is kind of strange to call my brother-in-law. I always contacted him through my sister. I mean I love him. He is a good man. But a relationship over the phone? Probably not really going to happen...  So I really feel the need to contact his fiancee. But like I said: I have no idea how to go about doing that.

So in the midst of this storm of emotion I have talked it out with a few good friends and family members. And I felt really guilty for feeling the things I was feeling. In fact I still feel a little guilty. But as I was talking it out with a friend the words "I just don't want to say 'Congratulations' until I mean it" came out of my mouth and I felt like I had my answer. And my answer is to just wait. I know I can't and shouldn't wait interminably. That might sound rude. My brother has already reached out to her. But I am not ready right now. And I don't have to be. I also don't know how to reach out. I don't know what to say or what to do. Heavenly Father understands that. And while talking with my friend he gave me my answer.

I think eventually in my heart of hearts I will be genuinely happy for my brother-in-law and his fiancee. Who knows, maybe we will become friends. I think I would like that. But until that moment arrives I am going to hold my peace until I can say "Congratulations. I wish you all the best" and really mean it.

*UPDATE*

I did it. I contacted her. And when I said "Congratulations" I meant it. And I feel like my sister is smiling down on me saying "Good for you Mand. She is a great girl. She is the right person." It is a wonderful feeling.

*UPDATE #2*

I have emailed back and forth with her a few times now. My brother-in-law's fiance is amazing. She is so loving and understanding. She wrote me the most beautiful e-mail and I feel like she was truly inspired while she was writing it. She said some things that I really needed to hear. I can honestly say there is no one I would rather have as a mother to my sister's kids. She is a remarkable person and will be a great influence for good in their lives. I am looking forward to many years of communication with her.

Not Knowing

My brother-in-law is getting married. And I am sad. I am lonely for my sister. I am afraid I will not be able to have a relationship with my nieces. I am scared things will work out. I am scared things won't work out. I am scared that once he gets married neither he nor his new wife will not want anything to do with us. I am as intimidated by her as she probably is by me. I wish I could raise my nieces because they are all that is left of my sister. I am angry. I am happy for my brother-in-law too. I am happy he has found a new companion. He needs a good woman to help him raise my nieces.

It's just a phase...

But it is one I hope I never forget.

I have found that I have many moments in my day where I find myself with some extra time on my hands now that Austin is a much bigger boy, and I have weaned him.

I'll admit to spending a good deal of time reading blogs and the news.

But I am also happy to report that I spent a good deal of time practicing the piano. My skills are probably sharper than they have been since I was a senior in high school (my peak). It feels great.

I do it because playing the piano gives me a sense of well being. It helps me to remember that I am a talented and skilled musician and leaves me feeling confident and happy after a good practice session. But that is not the only reason I have taken to practicing the piano more.

I have discovered that it calms Austin down. He could be screeching or crying because he is bored and wants me to entertain him, but then as soon as I start playing the piano he will stop. He crawls over to the pedals (either by himself or with a toy or two) and plays with me. He presses on my feet. He bangs on the piano with his hands or with his toys (especially his rattles!) He lays on or across my feet and just listens. He crawls all around the bench and pushes his toys around. It is precious. It is so precious to have him there playing at my feet while I play the piano. It is a phase I never want to forget because I know it won't last forever. He is such a dear little thing.

French Braids and Freezer Meals

Hello! My name is Amanda. I have been married for 5 1/2 years and have one 9 month old son. What's that you say? You're Mormon and you've been married for nearly 6 years and you only have one kid? Yep. Just one. My husband and I had to go through a few years of infertility treatments and a miscarriage before we were able to get pregnant. And my dad died during that time. It was pretty hard. But it was also a beautiful time. I would not trade those years that I had with just my husband for anything in the entire world.

I think what got me through those years of infertility was adopting the mindset "Just because Heavenly Father is blessing Mary and Susie and Polly with babies doesn't mean there are fewer babies in heaven for me. Babies are not a commodity" and "Life is not a race." Because let's face it: at BYU where everyone is getting married and having babies sometimes life feels like a race. But it isn't. I actually still have to keep telling myself both of those things. Because my kids won't be 2 years apart. I can't plan like that. They will probably be 4 or 5 years apart. But that is okay. Because life isn't a race.

Another thing that really got me through it was finding friends going through it. Because even though you try to stay positive and happy for others there is always a little (or a large) part of you that is sad for yourself because you want to be a mother so badly.

And now I am a mom! Motherhood is one of the greatest blessings in my life. Period. And because I went through infertility I feel like I have a special understanding of just what it is to be blessed with children. It doesn't make you love your children more than someone who doesn't have to struggle through infertility. Saying that is totally unfair. Every mother loves her children and would do anything, even die, for them. It doesn't make you a better mother. You are just as imperfect as everyone else out there. But going through infertility helps you see motherhood in a little bit of a different light.

It has helped me to realize that even the unpleasant things about motherhood are a blessing because it means you have a child. I would rather have vomit and baby poop all over me and have to change my clothes 10 times a day if it meant I could have a child. And I do. (Have a child I mean, I usually don't have to change my clothes 10 times a day :)

But even with the added level of awareness (via infertility) of the enormous blessing that motherhood is, it is still a huge challenge. There are days when I have yelled, literally yelled, at my 9 month old son. And why? Because I am frustrated and tired and loose my temper. Thankfully I can number those times on one hand. But they have happened. There are days when I long for some me time and I am counting down the minutes until bedtime. My son is going through this screeching phase right now. It is earsplitting. And I don't know what to do!! I want to stop it but how in the world do you discipline a baby? 

I also worry. I worry that in some way I am going to screw up his life or screw up our relationship. Because I just want to be a good mom. And I just want him to know that I love him and would do anything for him. But what if I give him issues? Those are thoughts that run through my head almost on a daily basis.

All that being said, the most difficult aspect of motherhood so far (and by far) was suffering through postpartum depression. Here I was. A new mom. 2 weeks in. And I was crying uncontrollably at the most random times. I was exhausted. I wasn't bonding to my baby. I was a total recluse. I avoided everyone. I avoided the people who brought me meals. It was rough. But here is the clincher. Here is how I knew it was more than just the baby blues or something that would pass on its own: I wanted to hurt my baby. I wanted to shake him and make him sleep and stop crying. I didn't. I had enough self control that I didn't do that. But I wanted to. And it scared me so badly that I called my doctor just bawling my eyes out. In the midst of my uncontrollable crying they comforted me and prescribed me an anti-depressant. Which I took for 4 months. I tried to stop at 2. But all the old feelings started coming back. So I got back on and they magically (or mercifully...) disappeared.

The anti-depressant was my salvation. As soon as it kicked in (about a week after I started taking it) suddenly my life was amazing. Even though my nights were sleepless still and I was still exhausted I couldn't get enough of my baby. I just treasured every. single. moment. Motherhood suddenly became the wonderful thing I heard it was. It was better than I ever dreamed possible. Eventually I weaned myself off the anti-depressant and started exercising regularly. Motherhood still feels awesome-even without medicine now :)

The greatest blessing of motherhood has been the exponential amount of love that has abounded in my life since the birth of my child. I feel this incredible amount of love for him. I feel a closer bond with my husband. I love my mother in a new and deeper way. When I rock my little child I imagine my own mother doing the same for me and my heart wells up with gratitude and a new love and appreciation for her. But most of all my relationship with my Heavenly Father has changed. How must he love me if I love like this? So I would say the greatest blessing of motherhood is the love that has abounded in my life. 

A truly memorable moment was when my boy was about seven weeks old. He was just starting to smile. I had my glasses off and was holding him close to my face. He was smiling at me and I thought we were just bonding and having this beautiful experience together when suddenly *bleh*. He vomited (projectile) all over my face: in my eyes, nose, mouth. I was dripping. And I just started to laugh. Because at a moment like that you can either laugh or cry. So I laughed. It was awesome. 

I feel like becoming a mother is something I do every day. Because even though you do become a mother in an instant (when the baby is born) becoming a true mother in every sense of the word is something that happens slowly. Each dad that passes I learn to love more, be more patient, and be less selfish. Some days are better than others. But motherhood is something that is growing on me. 

I think the absolute most important lesson I have learned from motherhood so far has been patience. I wrote a whole blog post on it: http://beilijagimene.blogspot.com/2012/12/patience.html. Though I waded through infertility for several years before I became a mother I believe that part of the reason was for me to learn patience. Infertility gave my patience- a great deal of it. A great deal more than I had ever had in my life. My loving Heavenly Father knows what a great deal of patience it takes to be a mother. And he knew I didn't have enough to even get started. So he blessed me with infertility to get me on the path and to teach me enough to get by for the first little while. But my patience has grown in spades since my son was born. 

Advice for a new mom? Get out. Make friends. Schedule at least one outing a week to go and visit a friend. Invite her to come to you or go to her. Make play dates. It doesn't matter if your baby is only an 8 week old blob. The play date is not for him/her. It is for you. You need a supportive network of mothers with whom you are in contact regularly-- in real life too. Facebook doesn't count. 

More advice: Find a babysitter. As soon as you can get someone to watch your kid. Our first date was when Austin was six weeks old. If you're nursing pump off some breast milk or give the kid a bottle. But go out! You and your husband need time together away from the baby and away from the house. Don't forget about that relationship!

Last bit of advice: Don't worry about what the books/other moms tell you. Your child is unique and you have what it takes to be the mom for that child! That is why they are with you and no one else! Trust your instincts. You will know what is best. Go ahead and read books (My bible is Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child). Get advice. But take it all with a grain of salt and adjust it to suit your own needs and personal circumstances. There is no one right way to be a mom. There is no one perfect method. Just trust yourself. You can do this. You can get through it. You had a baby! You are strong.