Until I Mean It

My brother-in-law is engaged. I am happy for him.

But I am not happy. I miss my sister so badly. I want to be a part of the lives of her daughters in a meaningful way because they are all I have left of her. But I don't know how to do it.

I have so many feelings swirling around inside of me but mostly I think I am sad and scared. I am sad because my sister is dead, and I miss her more than I ever imagined possible. I am sad because I don't feel like I will get to be a meaningful part of the lives of her children like I had planned on. I am sad because I can't swap parenting stories with her anymore. I am scared because I am afraid they will never know her or me because our connection will wither up and fade away as her death becomes a distant memory for me (and disappears entirely for her daughters). I am just... not happy.

I was angry for a little while too. But the anger is difficult to describe. I am not angry with my brother-in-law for moving on with his life. I think moving on is the best thing for him and also for his daughters. They need a woman in their life. I wish it could be me but that isn't possible. *sigh* I think I am just angry that my sister is gone. And her absence is aggravated by the fact that my brother-in-law is getting married again (and pretty soon too...)

I really want to make contact with his new fiancee because I feel like that is the best way for me to stay in touch with him and my nieces. But I have no idea how to go about it. I'll just be honest: it is kind of strange to call my brother-in-law. I always contacted him through my sister. I mean I love him. He is a good man. But a relationship over the phone? Probably not really going to happen...  So I really feel the need to contact his fiancee. But like I said: I have no idea how to go about doing that.

So in the midst of this storm of emotion I have talked it out with a few good friends and family members. And I felt really guilty for feeling the things I was feeling. In fact I still feel a little guilty. But as I was talking it out with a friend the words "I just don't want to say 'Congratulations' until I mean it" came out of my mouth and I felt like I had my answer. And my answer is to just wait. I know I can't and shouldn't wait interminably. That might sound rude. My brother has already reached out to her. But I am not ready right now. And I don't have to be. I also don't know how to reach out. I don't know what to say or what to do. Heavenly Father understands that. And while talking with my friend he gave me my answer.

I think eventually in my heart of hearts I will be genuinely happy for my brother-in-law and his fiancee. Who knows, maybe we will become friends. I think I would like that. But until that moment arrives I am going to hold my peace until I can say "Congratulations. I wish you all the best" and really mean it.

*UPDATE*

I did it. I contacted her. And when I said "Congratulations" I meant it. And I feel like my sister is smiling down on me saying "Good for you Mand. She is a great girl. She is the right person." It is a wonderful feeling.

*UPDATE #2*

I have emailed back and forth with her a few times now. My brother-in-law's fiance is amazing. She is so loving and understanding. She wrote me the most beautiful e-mail and I feel like she was truly inspired while she was writing it. She said some things that I really needed to hear. I can honestly say there is no one I would rather have as a mother to my sister's kids. She is a remarkable person and will be a great influence for good in their lives. I am looking forward to many years of communication with her.