The hearts of the fathers...

I did temple work for my own grandmother today. I felt her presence in the temple. I felt my dad's presence too. It was a beautiful experience and I am so thankful to have been there today.

The Class From...

I have been told by veteran teachers that there is always one class every year that is a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad class... usually called something else, but I don't think that is appropriate to say here. Well in year two that has proven to be true. I had one very, very difficult class last year. And I have one very, VERY difficult class this year. And they were difficult for different reasons! Grrr!!! I think the reason I do not have the difficulties I had last year is because after last year I figured out how to deal with them. But this class brings a whole new goodie bag of difficulties to the table and I have no tools in my tool kit to deal with these kids. They are driving me crazy! 

They have an attention span of... about 30 seconds. They get all upset when I do not let them go crazy in my class. They get all upset when they do not get to do what they want to do. It seems an impossibility for them to keep their mouths shut for anything. They simply will not stop talking and it is driving me crazy. I mean I understand that kids in choir talk. I do. But this is unbelievable. I know my inconsistent discipline is not helping. I think I need to come up with something more effective than what the school offers because I do not want to forever be sending students out of my class. I have already rearranged the seating chart a few times and it will work for a while then stop working. Anyway, now I am just talking to myself. I will sign off now. 

Another bad day

I seem to be having a lot of these lately. I think maybe it is because I am just emotional and I overreact to everything it seems. Okay not everything. And really I only had altercations with 2 students today at the same time in the same class. And then I was stupid and posted on facebook about it. But it was completely anonymous. I mean no one could know who it was.  But still. Then another teacher said I shouldn't do that and that just pushed me over the edge today and I tried to stop it but tears just started streaming down my face. I don't think that has ever really happened before. Where I just start crying and I am unable to prevent it or stop it. I thought I was keeping it under control and then a big tear rolled down my cheek and now I can't stop. I was in a terrible mood all day today and I just kept making all sorts of rookie mistakes and feeling like an idiot.  I just feel upset and sad about the way today happened. I can't believe I actually took it all home with me. I haven't done that in ages.

My Amazing Father

You know, I realize with every passing day how amazing my dad was. And my mom. I have an acquaintance from BYU whose parents were married for something like 30 years and they suddenly divorced and now her dad is gay. Well. Mine was too. But he didn't give in to it. And my mom didn't leave him for it. My dad decided to repent and change his life. His heart was changed by the Savior so fully and completely that he looked at his sin and that way of life with abhorrence and would say in complete truthfulness "I can't believe I ever thought that was good or okay. It is disgusting." I know a lot of people wouldn't believe him or me when I say that he said that. But he did. And I know he meant it. And my parents stayed together. And they continued to grow in love and respect for one another until my dad died. My dad is so awesome. He really was a diamond in the rough, just like my mom said. He was the best sort of person there is and I am so proud that I was a part of his life and that he was a part of my life and that his genes are in my blood and that my baby will have them too. I am so blessed to have had the wonderful parents I had.

Jealousy

I feel like I need a friend. A really good friend who I can talk to and who understands me. I felt like I had one in a girl in my ward. But we have had a hard time talking lately (especially since this new girl moved in) and now I feel like she likes her new friend better than she likes me. Doesn't that sound juvenile? And I am trying really hard not to be juvenile about it. I mean I am so embarrassed by my feelings that I have not even confided them to Mark. I just feel like it is really hard to talk to her these days but that she has all these things in common with this other girl and that this other girl is amazing and so easy to talk to. I guess this other girl and her husband went to dinner with my friend and her husband last night and they all ended up talking until 1:00 in the morning. We have never done that. And it is because I just run out of things to say. I feel like we are growing apart and it makes me sad because I do not really have any other close friends. And I guess Mark is my best friend and that is what matters. And my friend and I are really different in our outlooks on life. And I think I don't understand her. She has had some serious depression and I haven't had to deal with that and I think I really don't understand her like this other girl. And so I can sympathize and show her kindness but I can't really validate her feelings. Maybe that is where the miscommunication is coming in. But, I do have other people who are kind and friendly to me. And maybe when I am done working I can be kind and friendly to other people in that way. I am just feeling desperate right now and no one wants a desperate friend. I think I just need to chill out and enjoy my weekend. So I think that is what I will try and do.

Bad Teacher Day

I had another one of those days.

My last class is so talkative! I don't feel like we are getting anything done! Perhaps it is because they have lost some interest. I'll do what I can to get their interest back. I am determined not to go out today feeling like a failure. I think today's lesson was a failure because the students were disengaged. I think they were disengaged for a few reasons: they are not interested in what I am doing, they are tired at the end of the day, and we do not have enough procedures. I think in my next lesson we are going to practice procedures. Plus, I just didn't feel good today and I did not give enough positive reinforcement. I am keeping the boys and girls separate next year I think. I just think it will make for a more reasonable classroom atmosphere at this age. But I am not going to go out today feeling like a failure. I can do this. I can be a better teacher. They can be better students. I have got to think of a system that works. But we did have a lot of good days right in a row. I am not going to let one bad day ruin it all. I have to go to my duty now. They just need reminders.

Somehow I have got to get these students on my side.I feel like I am acting as immature and hot headed as they are sometimes. I am letting them get to me! That is what the problem is. I am letting them under my skin. In my other classes I do not let my students get under my skin. That is what I am going to change. I am going to not let them get under my skin. I am going to just deal with them like I deal with my other classes. Hopefully things will improve. I need to do some praying too. I think maybe Heavenly Father will help me. Plus, I need a class like this every year to help remind me that I have ways to grow and improve as a teacher. I learned a ton from my hardest students last year and it is actually helping me this year. My students this year are hard in a different way and now I need to learn how to deal with their hardness in this way. It will make me better and stronger in the end and I can do this.

No More Weekends!

I have decided that wonderful weekends are not good for my work ethic. Because after a fabulous weekend I simply to do NOT want to go to work on Monday! I just want the weekend to keep going and going and going! So I am usually late to work because I put off getting ready because I just don't want to go. But alas, if I do not get ready in the next 10 minutes, I will be late again. *sigh* Maybe I should stop having weekends!