I have one class that likes learning how to sight read more than they like singing their songs.
I did not even know that was possible.
But the LOVE it! They love the challenge and they love to get it right and the WHOLE class sings their hearts out on the sight reading.
Crazy kids. You gotta love 'em.
Friday, March 25, 2011
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Good Things
I am feeling so happy today. Here are some good things in my life:
1. My husband. He always goes at the top of any list of good things. I love him more than I can say.
2. My fundraiser is OVER and I made $1300!!! Yay! That will buy me lots of new music and supplies next year. My students are officially amazing.
3. I finally finished this giant purchase order that has been hanging over my head for months. It is SUCH a relief to have it done.
4. I have realized that all I can do is my best when it comes to preparing my students for all-county chorus this year. I have learned my lesson about who and how to pick. I won't be making the same mistakes next year that is for sure.
5. Only 4 more weeks until SPRING BREAK! I think I can I think I can I think I can!!!
6. My mom. She should probably be up there at number 2 actually. I love talking to her almost every day. She makes my commute home so awesome. I can't wait until I get to see her.
7. My sister. She should probably be up at number 3. She always gives me the best advice. I am so thankful I have her to look up to. I am sad she does not have a big sister but I am SO glad I have one. She is the best.
8. Because I have not been too burned out and depressed this week my house is actually pretty clean and not a total disaster like it usually is on Thursday night.
9. One of my favorite people on the fat people show (The Biggest Loser) reached her goal weight on the ranch. I was just so happy for her! She is my inspiration.
10. My cat Moses. He is so funny. I am so glad I have students and cat to temporarily fill in the empty space in my heart that aches for children.
11. Rick Riordan. He writes the BEST books. I am so glad to have discovered him as an author.
12. Friends. Especially the Condons and the Condies.
13. Family. All family.
14. Mark's cousin David. He and his wife just had their first baby and they named him John Mark (last name). They named him after my Mark. It was such an honor not only to Mark but to me and I can't explain how touching it was to me that they did that. I can't wait to meet their little boy and hold him and rock him.
15. Heavenly Father. He has shown me so many tender little mercies. For example: On Monday I was emotionally spent by the time my last two classes were about to come. I said a prayer in the little 10 minute break I have before they arrive and just begged Heavenly Father for their good behavior. I told him I felt like I was about to break into a million pieces and I was afraid I would not be able to hold it together. I felt like I was about to snap. Well. Both of those classes were abnormally fabulous that day and left me feeling refreshed and ready for the next day. Amazing.
16. Elder Joseph Bailey. That is Mark's little brother. He is on his mission right now in the Czech Republic and his letters each week are an inspiration to me. I am so happy he is serving the Lord. He strengthens my testimony every day.
17. The Friendly Center: That is a fabulous shopping center in Greensboro. They have ALL of our favorite stores there: The Apple Store, Yankee Candle, Harris Teeter, Barnes and Noble, Bath and Body Works, Williams Sonoma, Mimi's, REI, etc... It is awesome. Mark and I went there last weekend to see the new iPad 2. We want it :)
18. A backyard where I can throw around a football with my husband.
19. Cookbooks with AWESOME recipes. I found the best recipe for a Rueben Sandwich and it is SO easy. Yum!
20. Cold Stone Creamery. I LOVE ice cream.
21. Modern medicine. I have my first appointment to see a Reproductive Endocrinologist in a month. Here's hoping.
I could go on and on and on. Man. Once you start counting your blessings it is really hard to stop! But I want to go and read so I am going to stop. I am feeling so happy and blessed today. I love feeling happy because it makes me a better person and a better teacher. It is so much easier to feel hopeful when I am not beset by all my fears and anxiety but maybe that is one thing my infertility is supposed to teach me-- to have hope even when it is hard or seems like all is lost.
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Feeling About the Same
I am still feeling about the same as I did when I wrote my previous post. I am trying to pull myself out of it and I have had some wonderful e-mails and comments. Thank you my dear friends for your kind words of encouragement. I have been reading talks all day. Everything seemed to apply but I am still sad and anxious and having a hard time being courageous. Like I said, I am still trying to pull myself out of this rut I am in. A lot of the quotes were wonderful but I am still feeling so hurt and sad that mostly I do not want to hear them or heed them. I just want to ignore their messages of hope and help. But I did find one that I wanted to put in a place where I could reference it easily and not forget it:
Keep your eyes on your dreams, however distant and far away. Live to see the miracles of repentance and forgiveness, of trust and divine love that will transform your life today, tomorrow, and forever.
~Jeffrey R. Holland, The Best is Yet to Be, Liahona, Jan. 2010
Isn't that just so beautiful? Keep your eyes on your dreams. I am only 24 and I feel them slipping away already. How sad. I am NOT going to let them go. I think that is one lesson I can learn from my students. I often ask them what they want to be when the grow up. Many of them say "A singer, a model, an athlete, etc..." The practical part of me wants to say "Probably not going to happen kid. Choose something else." But there ARE people who become those things. They don't give up on their dreams. My dream is definitely achievable. I think the hardest part for me is that I feel like I have no control over it. No matter what I do it never comes any closer. But it is still my dream and so I am still going to hold on to it. I am going to keep my eyes on my dreams and work until I get there.
Keep your eyes on your dreams, however distant and far away. Live to see the miracles of repentance and forgiveness, of trust and divine love that will transform your life today, tomorrow, and forever.
~Jeffrey R. Holland, The Best is Yet to Be, Liahona, Jan. 2010
Isn't that just so beautiful? Keep your eyes on your dreams. I am only 24 and I feel them slipping away already. How sad. I am NOT going to let them go. I think that is one lesson I can learn from my students. I often ask them what they want to be when the grow up. Many of them say "A singer, a model, an athlete, etc..." The practical part of me wants to say "Probably not going to happen kid. Choose something else." But there ARE people who become those things. They don't give up on their dreams. My dream is definitely achievable. I think the hardest part for me is that I feel like I have no control over it. No matter what I do it never comes any closer. But it is still my dream and so I am still going to hold on to it. I am going to keep my eyes on my dreams and work until I get there.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Meandering Thoughts
I took the day off work today. It was really nice. I got to spend lots of time with Mark and that was awesome. We went to breakfast together at IHOP and it was amazing. We have not done that since we lived in Provo and it brought back a lot of happy memories.
After breakfast we went shopping together. We did not buy anything but we dreamed about it. It was so nice to not have to be anywhere. We drove past this really interesting store and I asked Mark if we could just stop and go in and so we did! It was a really girly store but he humored me. There was a whole section of Jim Shore things! I love Jim Shore. My cake topper from my wedding was Jim Shore and a lot of our Christmas decorations are Jim Shore. The things were pretty expensive so we just pointed at the ones we liked and dreamed about having enough money to buy one.
After we went to the girly store we went to Best Buy. Just to look. We looked at all the televisions and sound equipment. We looked at the cameras and the video cameras. We looked at all the appliances and dreamed about having a two drawer dishwasher and a four door fridge. And we talked about how it is almost more fun to dream about having those nice things than it is to actually have them.
Best Buy in Winston is right next to Barnes and Noble Booksellers so you can guess where we went next. We looked at all sorts of books: personal finance, race relations, cookbooks, fiction, children's, and medical. It was really fun. We love going to that store.
After we went to the bookstore we came home and I finished up my lesson plans for tomorrow. When those were done we left again to go and see the movie Rango. It was really good. I would definitely recommend it. It had two swear words but I hear them so often at work they hardly seem like swear words to me anymore. They are biblical words. One is a place and one is what you are if you go to that place. I really enjoyed the movie. It was funny and the animation was amazing. The only thing I did not like about it was that it made me homesick! It takes place in the desert west and I just want to go back there. Those animated sunsets and cacti were almost too much for me. Cute movie though!
Doesn't that sound like a wonderful day? And it WAS a wonderful day. I loved spending so much time with my husband just doing fun things with him. So why am I feeling sad and anxious? I think it is because I got a call from the doctor confirming that the medication I took this month was a failure (no ovulation). I asked him to refer me to a reproductive endocrinologist. I should start seeing a new doctor in about 2-3 months. Sounds great right? I wish I had done that 6 months ago. I have NO promise of a job next year. So right about the time I will see a doctor who can really help me I am probably going to lose my health insurance.
I hate feeling like I have so little control over my life. I just want to say "Isn't it supposed to be about agency? Shouldn't I be able to choose to have children? It seems like everyone else can!" Why can't Mark and I have the experience that goes like this: "We were using birth control but we prayed about it and we knew it was time to start our family." and *poof!* Nine months later we have a beautiful child.
*sigh*
Why can't it happen for me like that? I know it does not happen for everyone like that. But it sure seems to a lot. And that is another thing about infertility! It hides. We hide. It is very obvious when a woman can have children. She is very pregnant and/or has a few other children sitting in church with her. Those are the visible people. But infertile couples usually do not go around wearing a big sign that says "HEY! Guess what? We are infertile! That's right people! Infertility! Right here!" Nope. No signs. But people look at you and wonder "Why don't they have children? Don't they know it is a commandment? Do they just not WANT children?" Nope. It is infertility people.
I can just hear the response (and in fact have heard it. lots of times) "Well, you can choose to be happy in your current situation! Look at all the things you can do! Go to movies whenever you want, have a beautiful home that you don't have to child-proof, do things just you and your husband. Enjoy this special time! Children will change your relationship and it will get a lot harder." Sometimes I want to say "If it is so special and fun why didn't you choose to enjoy it for a few years before having children? Is it because having children (as hard as it is) is also a very, very special thing? More special in some ways than getting to do whatever you want?" I am tired of that response to my infertility.
It is so hard to give up on the dream of your ideal life. When I was in young women's at age 14 and they said imagine where you will be 10 years from now I promise I did NOT say "Having a career and being childless." I am pretty sure no 14 year puts that down. It is always "Married with a couple of children living the American/Mormon dream as a stay-at-home mom." Well. That is not how it is happening for me.
It is not that I am ungrateful for my blessings. I have an AWESOME husband and I know several women who have not gotten that chance much less the chance to try to have children. I would not give him up for anything. I know he is a huge blessing. And I got to to to BYU and learn how to be a music teacher. I have been blessed with a full-time job doing what I truly love to do. I have lots of wonderful students who love me and help me feel like I matter in the life of a young person. I have wonderful family members who try to help me see things more clearly. I have a wonderful place to live. My husband is in medical school. I have a cat who I love.
And best of all, I believe there is a God in Heaven who cares about my happiness and who knows how hard it is to wait. But even though He knows how hard it is to wait, He does not take the waiting away. He just puts his arms around me and cries with me and says "I know my child. It is hard to wait. It is okay for you to be sad for now. I understand." And it is hard to wait. But I guess just like those people who know "Now is the time" I know that now is NOT the time. For some reason I have to wait. And I am sad. Really sad. Like words and tears can't express how sad, frustrated, disappointed, and embarrassed I am. And I do not want to wait. I just want to be a mother and take care of my husband and home. I am scared to loose my job. I don't want to loose my health insurance. I just want to keep trying to have a family. If I loose my job it is unlikely that I will find another one with such great benefits. Budgets are tight in North Carolina. I probably will not be able to really go for it until Mark is a resident; I will be pushing 30 by then.
My sister and I had a great talk last week. My sister-in-law married to Mark's younger brother just had their first child. Before we did. And another sister-in-law found out she was having her third even before her youngest turned one. I was a little jealous of them both and sad for myself. Of course I am not unhappy that they are having their families. No one could be more qualified to be mothers than those two. They are seriously two of the most loving and kind women I have ever known. But I am sad for me and my husband. Why can't I do that? Why can't I give him the one thing that no one else can give him? But back to my phone call with my sister. She helped me see how to finally be happy for my sisters-in-law. She said "Amanda, look. Aren't you glad that the people you love best of all don't have to suffer through what you are suffering through? Would you really wish this on anyone?" My sister went through a whole bunch of infertility too. and I thought "You are right. I am so happy that they do not have to suffer through this! I do love them and I am so glad they do not have this trial because it is hard and uncomfortable and heartbreaking. I do not wish it on anyone!" And when she said that to me a whole bunch of jealousy went away and for the first time I really felt glad for them and their growing families. I have a beautiful new niece! Welcome to Amelia! I can't wait to meet her. I am also thankful that their children get to go into such wonderful homes.
I do not know where I am going with this post. Mostly I just needed to get my feelings out of me and into print. I am still sad. I hate having to give up MY dream of a perfect life. It is hard to have to travel a different path than the one I thought I would be traveling. Really hard. It is scary to be threatened with job loss and benefit loss. There is even an irrational part of me that is afraid of husband-loss because I cannot give him a family. He has NEVER given me any reason to think that and he gets mad if I mention it. As I write this he sits peacefully next to me reading a book he disagrees with and commentating to me about it. I know he loves me. Here I am, pouring my heart out and he is peacefully unaware. It is almost comical. Ok. Maybe it is comical. I think I should just start laughing now.
I really am feeling better. I just can't think about it too much or all those bad feelings come rushing back. Here are three things I am going to not worry about for at least the next hour:
-Job Loss
-Benefit Loss
-Infertility
There I said it. No more worrying about it. Time to stop writing and stop thinking and celebrate the life I do have.
Cheers.
After breakfast we went shopping together. We did not buy anything but we dreamed about it. It was so nice to not have to be anywhere. We drove past this really interesting store and I asked Mark if we could just stop and go in and so we did! It was a really girly store but he humored me. There was a whole section of Jim Shore things! I love Jim Shore. My cake topper from my wedding was Jim Shore and a lot of our Christmas decorations are Jim Shore. The things were pretty expensive so we just pointed at the ones we liked and dreamed about having enough money to buy one.
After we went to the girly store we went to Best Buy. Just to look. We looked at all the televisions and sound equipment. We looked at the cameras and the video cameras. We looked at all the appliances and dreamed about having a two drawer dishwasher and a four door fridge. And we talked about how it is almost more fun to dream about having those nice things than it is to actually have them.
Best Buy in Winston is right next to Barnes and Noble Booksellers so you can guess where we went next. We looked at all sorts of books: personal finance, race relations, cookbooks, fiction, children's, and medical. It was really fun. We love going to that store.
After we went to the bookstore we came home and I finished up my lesson plans for tomorrow. When those were done we left again to go and see the movie Rango. It was really good. I would definitely recommend it. It had two swear words but I hear them so often at work they hardly seem like swear words to me anymore. They are biblical words. One is a place and one is what you are if you go to that place. I really enjoyed the movie. It was funny and the animation was amazing. The only thing I did not like about it was that it made me homesick! It takes place in the desert west and I just want to go back there. Those animated sunsets and cacti were almost too much for me. Cute movie though!
Doesn't that sound like a wonderful day? And it WAS a wonderful day. I loved spending so much time with my husband just doing fun things with him. So why am I feeling sad and anxious? I think it is because I got a call from the doctor confirming that the medication I took this month was a failure (no ovulation). I asked him to refer me to a reproductive endocrinologist. I should start seeing a new doctor in about 2-3 months. Sounds great right? I wish I had done that 6 months ago. I have NO promise of a job next year. So right about the time I will see a doctor who can really help me I am probably going to lose my health insurance.
I hate feeling like I have so little control over my life. I just want to say "Isn't it supposed to be about agency? Shouldn't I be able to choose to have children? It seems like everyone else can!" Why can't Mark and I have the experience that goes like this: "We were using birth control but we prayed about it and we knew it was time to start our family." and *poof!* Nine months later we have a beautiful child.
*sigh*
Why can't it happen for me like that? I know it does not happen for everyone like that. But it sure seems to a lot. And that is another thing about infertility! It hides. We hide. It is very obvious when a woman can have children. She is very pregnant and/or has a few other children sitting in church with her. Those are the visible people. But infertile couples usually do not go around wearing a big sign that says "HEY! Guess what? We are infertile! That's right people! Infertility! Right here!" Nope. No signs. But people look at you and wonder "Why don't they have children? Don't they know it is a commandment? Do they just not WANT children?" Nope. It is infertility people.
I can just hear the response (and in fact have heard it. lots of times) "Well, you can choose to be happy in your current situation! Look at all the things you can do! Go to movies whenever you want, have a beautiful home that you don't have to child-proof, do things just you and your husband. Enjoy this special time! Children will change your relationship and it will get a lot harder." Sometimes I want to say "If it is so special and fun why didn't you choose to enjoy it for a few years before having children? Is it because having children (as hard as it is) is also a very, very special thing? More special in some ways than getting to do whatever you want?" I am tired of that response to my infertility.
It is so hard to give up on the dream of your ideal life. When I was in young women's at age 14 and they said imagine where you will be 10 years from now I promise I did NOT say "Having a career and being childless." I am pretty sure no 14 year puts that down. It is always "Married with a couple of children living the American/Mormon dream as a stay-at-home mom." Well. That is not how it is happening for me.
It is not that I am ungrateful for my blessings. I have an AWESOME husband and I know several women who have not gotten that chance much less the chance to try to have children. I would not give him up for anything. I know he is a huge blessing. And I got to to to BYU and learn how to be a music teacher. I have been blessed with a full-time job doing what I truly love to do. I have lots of wonderful students who love me and help me feel like I matter in the life of a young person. I have wonderful family members who try to help me see things more clearly. I have a wonderful place to live. My husband is in medical school. I have a cat who I love.
And best of all, I believe there is a God in Heaven who cares about my happiness and who knows how hard it is to wait. But even though He knows how hard it is to wait, He does not take the waiting away. He just puts his arms around me and cries with me and says "I know my child. It is hard to wait. It is okay for you to be sad for now. I understand." And it is hard to wait. But I guess just like those people who know "Now is the time" I know that now is NOT the time. For some reason I have to wait. And I am sad. Really sad. Like words and tears can't express how sad, frustrated, disappointed, and embarrassed I am. And I do not want to wait. I just want to be a mother and take care of my husband and home. I am scared to loose my job. I don't want to loose my health insurance. I just want to keep trying to have a family. If I loose my job it is unlikely that I will find another one with such great benefits. Budgets are tight in North Carolina. I probably will not be able to really go for it until Mark is a resident; I will be pushing 30 by then.
My sister and I had a great talk last week. My sister-in-law married to Mark's younger brother just had their first child. Before we did. And another sister-in-law found out she was having her third even before her youngest turned one. I was a little jealous of them both and sad for myself. Of course I am not unhappy that they are having their families. No one could be more qualified to be mothers than those two. They are seriously two of the most loving and kind women I have ever known. But I am sad for me and my husband. Why can't I do that? Why can't I give him the one thing that no one else can give him? But back to my phone call with my sister. She helped me see how to finally be happy for my sisters-in-law. She said "Amanda, look. Aren't you glad that the people you love best of all don't have to suffer through what you are suffering through? Would you really wish this on anyone?" My sister went through a whole bunch of infertility too. and I thought "You are right. I am so happy that they do not have to suffer through this! I do love them and I am so glad they do not have this trial because it is hard and uncomfortable and heartbreaking. I do not wish it on anyone!" And when she said that to me a whole bunch of jealousy went away and for the first time I really felt glad for them and their growing families. I have a beautiful new niece! Welcome to Amelia! I can't wait to meet her. I am also thankful that their children get to go into such wonderful homes.
I do not know where I am going with this post. Mostly I just needed to get my feelings out of me and into print. I am still sad. I hate having to give up MY dream of a perfect life. It is hard to have to travel a different path than the one I thought I would be traveling. Really hard. It is scary to be threatened with job loss and benefit loss. There is even an irrational part of me that is afraid of husband-loss because I cannot give him a family. He has NEVER given me any reason to think that and he gets mad if I mention it. As I write this he sits peacefully next to me reading a book he disagrees with and commentating to me about it. I know he loves me. Here I am, pouring my heart out and he is peacefully unaware. It is almost comical. Ok. Maybe it is comical. I think I should just start laughing now.
I really am feeling better. I just can't think about it too much or all those bad feelings come rushing back. Here are three things I am going to not worry about for at least the next hour:
-Job Loss
-Benefit Loss
-Infertility
There I said it. No more worrying about it. Time to stop writing and stop thinking and celebrate the life I do have.
Cheers.
A Whole Lot of Nothing
I just took a whole bunch of medicine and did a blood test and talked to my doctor and ended up with a whole lot of nothing. Why can't my body just work correctly! Please!
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