Meandering Thoughts

I took the day off work today. It was really nice. I got to spend lots of time with Mark and that was awesome. We went to breakfast together at IHOP and it was amazing. We have not done that since we lived in Provo and it brought back a lot of happy memories.

After breakfast we went shopping together. We did not buy anything but we dreamed about it. It was so nice to not have to be anywhere. We drove past this really interesting store and I asked Mark if we could just stop and go in and so we did! It was a really girly store but he humored me. There was a whole section of Jim Shore things! I love Jim Shore. My cake topper from my wedding was Jim Shore and a lot of our Christmas decorations are Jim Shore. The things were pretty expensive so we just pointed at the ones we liked and dreamed about having enough money to buy one.

After we went to the girly store we went to Best Buy. Just to look. We looked at all the televisions and sound equipment. We looked at the cameras and the video cameras. We looked at all the appliances and dreamed about having a two drawer dishwasher and a four door fridge. And we talked about how it is almost more fun to dream about having those nice things than it is to actually have them.

Best Buy in Winston is right next to Barnes and Noble Booksellers so you can guess where we went next. We looked at all sorts of books: personal finance, race relations, cookbooks, fiction, children's, and medical. It was really fun. We love going to that store.

After we went to the bookstore we came home and I finished up my lesson plans for tomorrow. When those were done we left again to go and see the movie Rango. It was really good. I would definitely recommend it. It had two swear words but I hear them so often at work they hardly seem like swear words to me anymore. They are biblical words. One is a place and one is what you are if you go to that place. I really enjoyed the movie. It was funny and the animation was amazing. The only thing I did not like about it was that it made me homesick! It takes place in the desert west and I just want to go back there. Those animated sunsets and cacti were almost too much for me. Cute movie though!

Doesn't that sound like a wonderful day? And it WAS a wonderful day. I loved spending so much time with my husband just doing fun things with him. So why am I feeling sad and anxious? I think it is because I got a call from the doctor confirming that the medication I took this month was a failure (no ovulation). I asked him to refer me to a reproductive endocrinologist. I should start seeing a new doctor in about 2-3 months. Sounds great right? I wish I had done that 6 months ago. I have NO promise of a job next year. So right about the time I will see a doctor who can really help me I am probably going to lose my health insurance.

I hate feeling like I have so little control over my life. I just want to say "Isn't it supposed to be about agency? Shouldn't I be able to choose to have children? It seems like everyone else can!" Why can't Mark and I have the experience that goes like this: "We were using birth control but we prayed about it and we knew it was time to start our family." and *poof!* Nine months later we have a beautiful child.

*sigh*

Why can't it happen for me like that?  I know it does not happen for everyone like that. But it sure seems to a lot. And that is another thing about infertility! It hides. We hide. It is very obvious when a woman can have children. She is very pregnant and/or has a few other children sitting in church with her. Those are the visible people. But infertile couples usually do not go around wearing a big sign that says "HEY! Guess what? We are infertile! That's right people! Infertility! Right here!" Nope. No signs. But people look at you and wonder "Why don't they have children? Don't they know it is a commandment?  Do they just not WANT children?" Nope. It is infertility people.

I can just hear the response (and in fact have heard it. lots of times) "Well, you can choose to be happy in your current situation! Look at all the things you can do! Go to movies whenever you want, have a beautiful home that you don't have to child-proof, do things just you and your husband. Enjoy this special time! Children will change your relationship and it will get a lot harder." Sometimes I want to say "If it is so special and fun why didn't you choose to enjoy it for a few years before having children? Is it because having children (as hard as it is) is also a very, very special thing? More special in some ways than getting to do whatever you want?" I am tired of that response to my infertility.

It is so hard to give up on the dream of your ideal life. When I was in young women's at age 14 and they said imagine where you will be 10 years from now I promise I did NOT say "Having a career and being childless." I am pretty sure no 14 year puts that down. It is always "Married with a couple of children living the American/Mormon dream as a stay-at-home mom." Well. That is not how it is happening for me.

It is not that I am ungrateful for my blessings. I have an AWESOME husband and I know several women who have not gotten that chance much less the chance to try to have children. I would not give him up for anything. I know he is a huge blessing. And I got to to to BYU and learn how to be a music teacher. I have been blessed with a full-time job doing what I truly love to do. I have lots of wonderful students who love me and help me feel like I matter in the life of a young person. I have wonderful family members who try to help me see things more clearly. I have a wonderful place to live. My husband is in medical school. I have a cat who I love.

And best of all, I believe there is a God in Heaven who cares about my happiness and who knows how hard it is to wait. But even though He knows how hard it is to wait, He does not take the waiting away. He just puts his arms around me and cries with me and says "I know my child. It is hard to wait. It is okay for you to be sad for now. I understand." And it is hard to wait. But I guess just like those people who know "Now is the time" I know that now is NOT the time. For some reason I have to wait. And I am sad. Really sad. Like words and tears can't express how sad, frustrated, disappointed, and embarrassed I am. And I do not want to wait. I just want to be a mother and take care of my husband and home.  I am scared to loose my job. I don't want to loose my health insurance. I just want to keep trying to have a family. If I loose my job it is unlikely that I will find another one with such great benefits. Budgets are tight in North Carolina. I probably will not be able to really go for it until Mark is a resident; I will be pushing 30 by then.

My sister and I had a great talk last week. My sister-in-law married to Mark's younger brother just had their first child. Before we did. And another sister-in-law found out she was having her third even before her youngest turned one. I was a little jealous of them both and sad for myself. Of course I am not unhappy that they are having their families. No one could be more qualified to be mothers than those two. They are seriously two of the most loving and kind women I have ever known. But I am sad for me and my husband. Why can't I do that? Why can't I give him the one thing that no one else can give him? But back to my phone call with my sister. She helped me see how to finally be happy for my sisters-in-law. She said "Amanda, look. Aren't you glad that the people you love best of all don't have to suffer through what you are suffering through? Would you really wish this on anyone?" My sister went through a whole bunch of infertility too. and I thought "You are right. I am so happy that they do not have to suffer through this! I do love them and I am so glad they do not have this trial because it is hard and uncomfortable and heartbreaking.  I do not wish it on anyone!" And when she said that to me a whole bunch of jealousy went away and for the first time I really felt glad for them and their growing families. I have a beautiful new niece! Welcome to Amelia! I can't wait to meet her. I am also thankful that their children get to go into such wonderful homes.

I do not know where I am going with this post. Mostly I just needed to get my feelings out of me and into print. I am still sad. I hate having to give up MY dream of a perfect life. It is hard to have to travel a different path than the one I thought I would be traveling. Really hard. It is scary to be threatened with job loss and benefit loss. There is even an irrational part of me that is afraid of husband-loss because I cannot give him a family. He has NEVER given me any reason to think that and he gets mad if I mention it. As I write this he sits peacefully next to me reading a book he disagrees with and commentating to me about it. I know he loves me. Here I am, pouring my heart out and he is peacefully unaware. It is almost comical. Ok. Maybe it is comical. I think I should just start laughing now.

I really am feeling better. I just can't think about it too much or all those bad feelings come rushing back. Here are three things I am going to not worry about for at least the next hour:

-Job Loss
-Benefit Loss
-Infertility

There I said it. No more worrying about it. Time to stop writing and stop thinking and celebrate the life I do have.

Cheers.