See Blog Title

Sometimes I just need to reflect on the title of my blog and where it came from.

"Adventure is out there!" ~Ellie

I love the movie "UP." I always cry at the part where Ellie and Carl find out they can't have children. And then I love the very end when Carl figures out the Ellie filled her adventure book with pictures of the wonderful life they had together even though they never had any children. She let herself be sad for a little while and then she moved on and made her life wonderful with the things she had been given: good health, a fun job, and a great husband.

That is not to say Mark and I will never have children. Someday we will raise our own biological children or we will raise our adopted children. But until then I am going to have a wonderful time with the things I have been given: good health, a fun job, and a great husband. There are lots of adventures to be had in the world. I might not be having the one I thought I wanted; nevertheless I am having an adventure, and hopefully I will be a better person because of it!

Sometimes I have to keep reminding myself of the wonderful life I have. I want children more than I can say. Infertility is one of those trials that does not get easier with time. It gets more difficult. But the best part about this trial is that I know it is not indefinite. Sometimes trials we are given have no foreseeable end. I am lucky. I can see a light at the end of the tunnel. It is when I am about 42 or 43 and past child bearing years. And either we will have children or we will not but I will be past child bearing and the horrible long waiting will be over.

So here is to the future and all those adventures waiting for me.

Cheers.

Bad Teacher Day

Sometimes I just feel like I am a bad teacher:

-inconsistent discipline
-inability to control my own classroom

*sigh* Today was just one of those days. I had to make hard decisions with some of my students today and I do not know if I made the right decisions. You know what is amazing to me? What is amazing to me is that in a 40 minute period I had a class of girls go from these statements:

 "Are you going to miss us when we go to high school Mrs. Bailey?"

"We are going to miss you!"

 "We LOVE you."

 "No one can replace us!"

"We are practically her children!"

 "Let's make a big sign for her."

"Yeah! We are going to make a big sign for you to remember us and you HAVE to put it up somewhere you will see it every day! and NEVER take it down!"

I went from statements like that at the beginning of class to the following statements at the end of class (these ones were written down after I gave them a little talking to. When they get into trouble I do not let them talk so they have to write down any comments they have):

"You are overstepping your boundaries and making some of us mad. We ARE singing and you need to stop getting after us."

"I HATE this class. I can't WAIT until it is over and I get to leave."

"I never want to come back."

Ya. Wow. In 40 minutes. How is that even possible? *sigh* My students are so dramatic sometimes. I know that for the most part they will not even remember it tomorrow. And would you like to know what caused the switch? Well, I would too. We were rehearsing for their performance next week and some girls were not giving 100% so other girls were getting mad at them and saying rude things to them. And then they started arguing with each other. And then they tried to argue with me-- unsuccessfully I might add. I don't bother arguing with middle school girls.) DRAMA.

So there you have it. Raging hormones/mood swings/drama in a nutshell. But when it happens I always feel like a really bad teacher because I let it get out of hand.

On a brighter note I FINALLY got twelve 8th grade boys who were forced into chorus because there was no  where else to put them (i.e. They do NOT want to be in chorus) to sing today! So at least I have that positive note to go home on. And they sounded pretty darn good too! They even surprised themselves. I am proud of them. So even though the rest of my day was kind of lame, at least they left me having had a musical experience. Yay for them!

Anxiety

I am so anxious I feel sick to my stomach. I HATE that feeling. Ugh. I know why I am anxious too. It is because I am taking fertility medication and it messes with my mind. My life is awesome right now. I am not stressed about work. I am not stressed about family. I am not stressed about ANYTHING. It is just the medication that makes me feel anxious for no reason. It feels HORRIBLE. I know it is the medication but I still wonder a little bit because it is all in my head and I feel crazy.

I hope this gets resolved soon and that I have a little baby to show for it. Waiting is hard.

Loving My Job

I love my job. I love my students. It is amazing to me how much they have grown, changed, and improved over the past six months. It has been so awesome working with them. They have gone from not even being able to match pitch, to being able to match pitch, to singing in unison, to singing in canon, to singing in parts. I am SO proud of them. And I think they sound good!

There are definitely hard days. There are days when I dread coming to work and days when I simply do not want to be a teacher. But thankfully those days are few and far between. I think teaching is exciting and fun. I love how each class has its own distinct personality. I love trying to figure out how best to teach to that personality. 

My students fill the void that infertility has left in my life. It feels amazing to be walking down the hall and having kids waving at me from their classrooms. It feels amazing to be walking down the hall and have several students say "Hey Mrs. Bailey!!" or run up and give me a hug. I get several hugs each day from my students. I have students who call me "mama" or "mama B."  I just love my students so much. I am so happy to be here with them. 

I had a teacher friend from another school make a snide remark about the school I teach at. He said it in jest but we both know he meant it just a little bit. I said "Take that back. Take it back!" I said it in jest too. But I really meant every. single. word. What he said was out of line and I LOVE my kids no matter where they are from or what their background is. They are wonderful and they have SO much potential for good. 

I am just in love with my job today. Usually I am really excited for the weekend because I need a break. But not this weekend. The only redeeming thing about is that I get to spend lots of time with Mark. But other than that I will just be missing my students and looking forward to next week. 

They are learning so much and so quickly. They are growing up too fast but it is fun and exciting to watch them grow and mature and move on with their lives. I hope every single one of them finds happiness and success. Well. Almost :) No. I do. I really do hope they all find happiness and success. 

I am over you!

I am so over infertility.

I just wish it was over me too, but for some reason it just keeps hanging on.

I have always been lousy at ending relationships.

Not Fair

I had a fellow teacher friend write a blog post about an experience she recently had where she felt like she had taken a walk in her students' shoes. She had an experience that she realized her students have all the time and she said it was eye opening and made her feel more in tune with them.

I feel like I have had one of those experiences.

I had the most awesome idea for a field trip. I looked into all the details: participation fees, bus cost, chaperons, parent permission, time away from school, price per student, etc... I was so excited! The band had already been approved for the same trip so I was really looking forward to doing the same thing with my Treble Makers (advanced girls choir). I got everything ready to go. I planned and carried out big fundraisers. I was excited. My kids were excited. I presented the proposal for the trip.

Then I got the answer back: No. You can't go. You did not give me enough advance notice.

What!? Enough advance notice?! The trip is not for 2 1/2 months! The handbook says I only have to give a 1 month notice! How is that not enough time?! The band is going!!

THAT IS NOT FAIR!!!

If I got a dime for every time I heard a middle school student say "That is not fair" I would be a millionaire. And a middle school teacher always says "Life is not fair." Well, today I experienced the "unfairness" of life. I cried for an hour... alone... in my classroom.

I do not understand why I can't go. Didn't I do everything I was supposed to? Didn't I follow all of the rules exactly? Why does it feel so arbitrary? I am a first year teacher! How was I supposed to know? I am so frustrated and disappointed that I could scream. Who do I go to for help? My parents can't do anything. I can't go over my administrator's head to the next guy up on the ladder. I just have to accept it.

I see students here getting told that all the time. You just have to accept it and move on.

BUT WHY?! I can see they are wondering that. I can see it in their faces. They will usually do it though, mutinously. And I do the same thing. I accept it. Angrily. Spitefully. Hatefully. But I accept it and move on because there is nothing I can do about it. I feel so powerless and I hate it.

It has been eye opening. Unfortunately there is nothing I can do for my students. Unfortunately there is nothing I can do for myself. Life is not fair. And that is just the way it is. But at least I can learn something from it. And move on.

A little help

To my few (if any) blog readers:

I am a little tired and stressed about work this week (and it is only Monday!)

If you could offer a little prayer in my behalf I would sure appreciate it.

Thanks...

Exhausted

Teaching is exhausting sometimes. Harry Wong says teaching is exhausting when you are doing too much of the work and the students are not doing enough... I guess I can see that; but at the same time there is so much that the students can't or are not allowed to do, and it is THAT part of teaching that exhausts me:

writing lesson plans, completing purchase orders before the deadline, getting fundraising set up and ready to go, calling about potential places for your students to perform outside of class, creating a working curriculum (which I have NOT by the way), commuting 1 hour and 40 minutes every day, PDPs, IEPs, getting grades into the grade book, meetings, meetings, meetings, etc., etc., etc....

On a brighter note I have an intern from the high school this semester for two of my classes and they LOVE her. Yay! That makes classroom management way easier for me. AND she is able to go around and help those who are not getting it so they do not disturb the class. She is spoiling me with her awesomeness. I am SO thankful to have her. I hope I get an intern like her every year! I know that is probably, no... definitely, too much to hope for, but it is nice for a little bit of relief my first year of teaching :)