One of the things I most feared about becoming a SAHM was not keeping my mind sharp. It isn't that I thought homemakers were unintelligent or less smart than career women, I just didn't know what to expect for myself. I was afraid that the constant drudgery of housework/diapers/feeding, etc... would bog me down and prevent me from doing things that were academically and mentally challenging.
Mark and I have discussed time and again how I need to develop positive hobbies for myself to keep me busy and engaged. I have had the hardest time thinking of what hobbies I could pursue because I just do not really have much interest in hobbies that I see around me in homemakers. I do not like to scrapbook. I do not like to "craft." I can't sew (even though I DO want to learn that skill!) I don't have a sewing machine. I don't like knitting. I don't like to crochet. I do enjoy cooking (but food is EXPENSIVE!) And the list goes on.
Two things that I do love are music and learning. But I honestly didn't know how to make a hobby out of those two things. Until now.
Music:
I have this awesome friend, Jessica, who is organizing a recital for adults in our ward. She is a wonderful pianist herself and (like me) has not really polished anything for a recital in years because she had no incentive to do so. So she is organizing a recital for all the adults in our ward who fall into that category. For the first time in ages I have been practicing quite regularly. I can't wait to perform! It has been so much fun. I definitely go at a slower pace than I did in high school because I don't have the hours to practice I did then. Austin takes up just a little too much time for that. But I do get in 15-20 minutes every day or every other day and it feels great.
Learning:
We got a catalog in the mail about a month ago for something called "The Great Courses." I had seen things like it before. They are essentially high school or college level courses for independent study. There is no homework and no grades. They are simply series of readings and lectures given by top rated professors from around the country on a variety of subjects. And they are EXPENSIVE. I am talking $200-$600 a course. But this magazine was advertising a sale in June for 80% off. 80%!!! Mark also found a coupon for $15 off orders of $34 or more. So I split my orders and saved an additional $30.
After discussing it with Mark I ordered four courses. I only paid $44 for all four:
Great World Religions (Christianity, Islam, Judaism, Hinduism, Buddhism)
Thinking Like an Economist
Secrets of Mental Math
Elements of Jazz
Doesn't that sound AWESOME?! I am so excited to learn those things. And if they go well then when another sale rolls around I can order some more.
Mark also taught me about a bunch of free college courses on something called iTunes University. I am super excited to get started there as well.
So there you have it. I now have made hobbies of the two things I love most: learning and music. I am so blessed to be guided to friends and family who can help me develop my talents, turn them into hobbies, and keep my mind sharp!
Friday, June 29, 2012
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
Not Ready Yet
My life is SO awesome. I have the most beautiful son. I have the most attentive and caring husband. My home is beautiful and comfortable. I more than enough to eat. We have enough resources to live comfortably and have little luxuries here and there. My husband is doing really well in school. I have wonderful friends who care about me and spend time with me.
However, I have been taking fluoxetine since Austin was three weeks old. For those of you who don't know what that is you may be more familiar with the brand name: Prozac. I have been on an anti-depressant for postpartum depression. I have been SO happy lately and Austin is mostly sleeping through the night. He may get up once at 4:00 or 4:30 to eat but when his dad has to be at work by 6:00 it is perfect timing for me to make Mark's lunch and for Mark to have some time with Austin. Anyway, needless to say I felt ready to start weaning myself off the prozac because I have just been so happy lately.
So a just over a week ago I started taking my medicine only every other day instead of every day. And for the last 5 days or so I have had the following symptoms: anxiety, inability to connect with Mark and others around me, insomnia, restless sleep, bad dreams, thoughts such as "I am worthless. I am a bad wife. I am a bad mother," and low self-esteem. In other words, depression.
I was awake last night at about 3:00 just because I couldn't sleep. I had been having terrible dreams (for the fifth night in a row) and was actually relieved to be awake. As I sat up thinking about what in the world was wrong with me everything I just listed above hit me like a ton of bricks. All the things I had been thinking and feeling came to me at once and I realized that I still have depression. I am not ready to be off my medication yet!
I so want to be. And I wish I was. But I am not ready (obviously). And it is okay for me to not be ready. I am still nursing and Austin is just over two months old. If I was ready to be off the anti-depressant it would basically be a miracle. Most women who have PPD have to have treatment for at least six months to a year I found out. So there you go.
I actually feel a sense of relief because I finally know what is wrong with me. I know that as soon as I have more fluoxetine in my system things will be okay again. And in another two months I am going to try weaning myself off it again, but for now I am not ready yet. And that is okay. If I had strep throat I would be totally okay taking medicine until I was well. And I have depression. And I am totally okay taking medicine until I am well.
However, I have been taking fluoxetine since Austin was three weeks old. For those of you who don't know what that is you may be more familiar with the brand name: Prozac. I have been on an anti-depressant for postpartum depression. I have been SO happy lately and Austin is mostly sleeping through the night. He may get up once at 4:00 or 4:30 to eat but when his dad has to be at work by 6:00 it is perfect timing for me to make Mark's lunch and for Mark to have some time with Austin. Anyway, needless to say I felt ready to start weaning myself off the prozac because I have just been so happy lately.
So a just over a week ago I started taking my medicine only every other day instead of every day. And for the last 5 days or so I have had the following symptoms: anxiety, inability to connect with Mark and others around me, insomnia, restless sleep, bad dreams, thoughts such as "I am worthless. I am a bad wife. I am a bad mother," and low self-esteem. In other words, depression.
I was awake last night at about 3:00 just because I couldn't sleep. I had been having terrible dreams (for the fifth night in a row) and was actually relieved to be awake. As I sat up thinking about what in the world was wrong with me everything I just listed above hit me like a ton of bricks. All the things I had been thinking and feeling came to me at once and I realized that I still have depression. I am not ready to be off my medication yet!
I so want to be. And I wish I was. But I am not ready (obviously). And it is okay for me to not be ready. I am still nursing and Austin is just over two months old. If I was ready to be off the anti-depressant it would basically be a miracle. Most women who have PPD have to have treatment for at least six months to a year I found out. So there you go.
I actually feel a sense of relief because I finally know what is wrong with me. I know that as soon as I have more fluoxetine in my system things will be okay again. And in another two months I am going to try weaning myself off it again, but for now I am not ready yet. And that is okay. If I had strep throat I would be totally okay taking medicine until I was well. And I have depression. And I am totally okay taking medicine until I am well.
Monday, June 18, 2012
Our First (well... 5th) Father's Day
Our first Father's Day (with Austin) was amazing. It was the best father's day ever! In the morning (before church) Austin and I (and Mom Van Gesen!) surprised Dad with an iPad! He knew he was getting the pens but the iPad was a shock. I had been saving my extra piano lessons money for it for several months unbeknownst to Mark. I was going to wait until his birthday but with a little help from my mom I was able to get it for Father's Day.
I mostly got it so Mark could use it as a study tool while rounding and studying at the hospital. I was a little nervous because of it's size but as you can see, it fits PERFECTLY in his white coat pocket. So awesome. Mark had said that many of his classmates use them and how quick and easy it made studying and doing test questions for them. I wanted him to have that ease too so he could study better at the hospital and spend more quality time at home with us. I think it will be a win/win situation for everyone. Austin also gave his dad a BIG smile. Well. Several big smiles for Father's Day. That was truly the best gift.
We special meals all day-- Chocolate chip waffles and OJ for breakfast; fish sandwiches, spicy fries, and Ben and Jerry's Chubby Hubby for lunch. But the crowning jewel of the day was dinner. We made steak shish kebabs and grilled pineapple on our little smokey joe grill. It was AMAZING. Best. Dinner. Ever. We let the steak marinate overnight and it was to die for. Mark is truly the master of his grill!
The shish kebabs were a little messy. At one point everyone in the family had a messy face!
After dinner we spent some family time just cloud gazing and taking some fun pictures. Then we went on a walk. While Austin drifted off to sleep Mark and I polished off a pint of Ben and Jerry's Peanut Brittle Ice Cream. It was truly a marvelous day.
Mark is the most wonderful husband and father. He made today a joy to celebrate and even though the iPad was an awesome gift, what we realized at the end of the day is that the best gift of all is Austin. He is truly what made this Father's Day so special. He makes every day special and being his parents is the best thing that has ever happened to us. We are truly blessed to love him and raise him.
Of all the gifts Mark got, those smiles I mentioned were truly the best gift. He momentarily ignored the lure of the new iPad in the morning when Austin was so smiley. It was touching. Mark finds such joy in fatherhood. He already is and will continue to be an amazing dad. BIG thanks to Dad Bailey for being such a wonderful grandfather and example to Mark and a hug sent to heaven for my dad.
We are truly blessed by all the fathers in our lives.
Austin's 2 Month Update
Austin has been in our family for two whole months! They have been two of the hardest and happiest months of my entire life. I cannot imagine life without sweet Austin. Here are his stats:
Height: 22.5 inches
Weight: 11.1 pounds
Head: 16.25
He is in about the 30th percentile for height and weight and the 75th percentile for his head circumference. It is to fit all those brains :)
Austin is a big smiler. He smiles at you when you come into his room after a nap. He smiles at you when you play with him. He smiles, smiles, smiles all day long!
Austin shrugs his shoulders and coos at you and then if you do it back he will do it back to you. His dad and I do that with him for several minutes at a time. We just can't get enough of him interacting with us!
Austin LOVES tummy time. Because of this he has a really strong neck and can hold his head up for several seconds at a time.
Austin has discovered his fingers. He often brings his fist up to his mouth and slurps it. It is really cute!
He sleeps well. He will often give me 6-8 hour stretches of sleep in the night and one long 4 hour nap during the day! What a special, easy boy. We are so lucky and we know it!
Austin eats a lot- up to 7 oz at any one feeding. No failure to thrive for our little one at this point!
Austin is the light of our life. We feel so blessed to have him as our son. We are truly blessed!
Height: 22.5 inches
Weight: 11.1 pounds
Head: 16.25
He is in about the 30th percentile for height and weight and the 75th percentile for his head circumference. It is to fit all those brains :)
Austin is a big smiler. He smiles at you when you come into his room after a nap. He smiles at you when you play with him. He smiles, smiles, smiles all day long!
Austin shrugs his shoulders and coos at you and then if you do it back he will do it back to you. His dad and I do that with him for several minutes at a time. We just can't get enough of him interacting with us!
Austin LOVES tummy time. Because of this he has a really strong neck and can hold his head up for several seconds at a time.
Austin has discovered his fingers. He often brings his fist up to his mouth and slurps it. It is really cute!
He sleeps well. He will often give me 6-8 hour stretches of sleep in the night and one long 4 hour nap during the day! What a special, easy boy. We are so lucky and we know it!
Austin eats a lot- up to 7 oz at any one feeding. No failure to thrive for our little one at this point!
Austin is the light of our life. We feel so blessed to have him as our son. We are truly blessed!
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
Moments I Treasure
Motherhood is just that. A treasure. I do not know if I will have more children or when it will happen if I do. I didn't have the luxury of knowing either of those things the first time and I still have infertility, despite the fact that I now have a beautiful child. So I treasure nearly every moment I have with Austin, which is why I don't blog much these days. I would rather spend my time on my tummy playing with him or feeding him or rocking him to sleep. I just want to list out a few moments I treasure so I don't forget them as this blog is the best journal I keep :)
Playing with Austin while he lays on the floor. We read, talk about things, sing songs with actions and songs without, and play with toys. Heaven will look like this.
Feeding Austin. I don't have pictures of the other type of feeding because it isn't blog appropriate :) I love to nourish my sweet baby. I love to stroke his face and head while he eats. He makes the most precious little sounds. They make me and his dad smile and laugh. I will always treasure the memories of feeding him.
Burping Austin. After I feed him he gets a little "milk drunk" as we say. It is really cute to see him with his eyes half open and his face slack from a full belly. He often puts his hands up to his face and just rests for a few minutes after he eats. I also have to burp him and he just rests his little head on my shoulder and snuggles with me. Those are some of my favorite moments of the entire day. Sometimes he will face me instead of facing away and I love to kiss his little cheeks when he does it that way. Precious, precious moments.
Bath Time. He loves being in the water. It just calms him right down. He didn't like his first sponge baths. "Didn't Like" is an understatement. He hated them. But now that he can be immersed he loves it. It is so fun to wash him and talk about his body with him and tell him what each body part is called. He is so tiny we just bathe him in the kitchen sink. His shampoo is stored under the sink with all the cleaning stuff. Fun memories! Bath time is fun!
Daddy Time. I will treasure the moments that Austin spends in his dad's arms. Austin LOVES his dad. He ALWAYS smiles for his dad. His first smile was for his dad and for a while there (a week or so) only his dad could get him to smile consistently. There was one moment that Austin was fussy and upset and Mark just wanted a smile so he asked gently "Come on Austin, can't you smile for daddy?" And Austin gave Mark the biggest smile before he went back to fussing. It was amazing. Daddy loves to exercise Austin and help him get his neck muscles strong. It was dad who discovered Austin's love for tummy time too. They are sure a pair and they already have a special relationship.
Playing with Austin while he lays on the floor. We read, talk about things, sing songs with actions and songs without, and play with toys. Heaven will look like this.
Feeding Austin. I don't have pictures of the other type of feeding because it isn't blog appropriate :) I love to nourish my sweet baby. I love to stroke his face and head while he eats. He makes the most precious little sounds. They make me and his dad smile and laugh. I will always treasure the memories of feeding him.
Burping Austin. After I feed him he gets a little "milk drunk" as we say. It is really cute to see him with his eyes half open and his face slack from a full belly. He often puts his hands up to his face and just rests for a few minutes after he eats. I also have to burp him and he just rests his little head on my shoulder and snuggles with me. Those are some of my favorite moments of the entire day. Sometimes he will face me instead of facing away and I love to kiss his little cheeks when he does it that way. Precious, precious moments.
Bath Time. He loves being in the water. It just calms him right down. He didn't like his first sponge baths. "Didn't Like" is an understatement. He hated them. But now that he can be immersed he loves it. It is so fun to wash him and talk about his body with him and tell him what each body part is called. He is so tiny we just bathe him in the kitchen sink. His shampoo is stored under the sink with all the cleaning stuff. Fun memories! Bath time is fun!
Daddy Time. I will treasure the moments that Austin spends in his dad's arms. Austin LOVES his dad. He ALWAYS smiles for his dad. His first smile was for his dad and for a while there (a week or so) only his dad could get him to smile consistently. There was one moment that Austin was fussy and upset and Mark just wanted a smile so he asked gently "Come on Austin, can't you smile for daddy?" And Austin gave Mark the biggest smile before he went back to fussing. It was amazing. Daddy loves to exercise Austin and help him get his neck muscles strong. It was dad who discovered Austin's love for tummy time too. They are sure a pair and they already have a special relationship.
Rocking Austin to Sleep. This is one of my favorite things to do and it is one of the most precious moments of my day. After I swaddle him I love to hold my sweet son in the crook of my left arm while I pat his back or bottom with my right hand. Sometimes I sing to him and sometimes we just enjoy the quiet together. He stares right up at me until his eyes droop and he drifts off to sleep. I don't always put him down right away. Sometimes I just keep rocking him and marvel at the miracle he is in my life and just soak up and treasure the moment because I know it will pass soon. The picture is my view of him as we rock. Sometimes I rock him by swaying back and forth on the couch and sometimes I rock him in my rocking chair upstairs. It is seriously the most precious part of the entire day.
Tummy Time! Austin loves it. Sometimes it is the only thing that will calm him down. He can already lift his neck so high. It is amazing to watch him grow. Often he will fall asleep all by himself while he is on his tummy. It is so precious to watch.
Family Walks. We love to walk. We take a walk as a family almost every single day. Mark and I talk and talk about life and the future and Austin just looks at the world around him or sleeps. We loves our walks.
Austin Time. Really, every moment I get to spend with my sweet child is a moment I treasure.
Monday, June 11, 2012
Heaven
I'm so tired I just need to go to bed but here are a few pictures of my life lately. The title describes them perfectly. I am convinced that this is what heaven will be like. Being a mother is the best thing that has ever happened to me.
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