Insomnia

I just declined to participate in the sixth grade all county, so that makes me feel better.

I am so anxious about the after school glee club. I just don't know what to do. What I REALLY want to do is cancel it. Just like I did to the 8th grade trip. Which was the best decision I have made all year. But I feel so bad about disappointing those kids. They were so looking forward to it. I was too! But I really think what I need to do for my own sanity is cancel it. If I didn't have all-county to worry about I would go ahead with it. But I am about to the point where I am going to cancel it. Even two days a week is too much. Is it a bad time to decide this? So far from home? I am going to cancel it. The first week of school. I am just going to have Mr. Royster say "Due to unforseen circumstances Mrs. Bailey has to cancel Glee Club for the remainder of the school year." Those circumstances are severe anxiety and sleeplessness that accompany pregnancy. I just need to be at home so I can take care of myself, my baby, and my husband. There. I think I have decided. But just when I have decided I feel so bad about it! Ugh. It is a loose, loose situation.

Emotional

You know, if there is one thing about being pregnant it is that I feel really emotional these days. Things just upset me more than they used to.

I have had the worst break. It started off badly. I got sick. Then, on my way up to Snowflake I got stuck in Globe because of bad weather. Then Mark got really sick and I had to take care of him.

Christmas day was nice. It was really peaceful and restful. The only thing I didn't like was that I probably had too much candy. There have been nice moments, but I just keep thinking about school and work. I don't know why I can't seem to put it all behind me.

I have been really aggravated this break for the most part. Being with my in-laws most of the time has been incredibly stressful. I wish we were not staying for so long and I am so thankful I will have one day in Winston and then a teacher work-day before I have to go back to work. In some ways I am looking forward to work as a break from my holiday! I just wish this holiday felt more restful. I got in a huge fight with Mark today. I am so frustrated with how he always acts when we are in Snowflake. It is like he reverts back to his old self, his boyhood self, and puts me second instead of first. I know his logic is something like "Well, I see Amanda all the time and I hardly ever see my family so I am going to make the most of this time with my family." But he doesn't really include me in that time. It is very frustrating and he doesn't understand where my frustration comes from. I guess I was just expecting it to be different this year and it hasn't been. Plus I am really emotional and needy because I am pregnant. But I am looking forward to going back to North Carolina and getting back into a routine. Two weeks is not long enough of a break for the break I have had. It just has not been restful. I need to try and change my mind in the next few days or it is going to be on hell of a semester before I go out for maternity leave.

I have not felt like myself. I have not felt happy. I have not felt peaceful. I have not felt relaxed. I am spending the night away from Mark. That is how upset I am. He is staying at his house and I am staying at mine. Mature right? I asked him if he wanted to stay here with me and he said "I'll think about it and call you later okay?" NO! Of COURSE it isn't okay! He should not need to think about whether or not he is going to spend the night with his wife or with his family. I was furious. I told him not to bother and I will just see him tomorrow sometime. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

I am really worried and anxious about the following things:

• Getting lesson plans ready for my maternity leave
• Not feeling rested before school starts again

I guess that is pretty much all. I have only six more days before I see students again. But maybe it will be good for me. I have had this feeling before. This feeling where it can go either way depending on how I feel or how I act (or react as the case may be). I feel like I can choose for it to be a good thing to go back to work or a really stressful thing. I want to choose for it to be a good thing but I think that will be much harder than choosing to be bitter and depressed about being in Snowflake and being cranky about going back to work.

My mom calls this a learning experience. Maybe she is right. I have had moments of peacefulness and happiness here. But they have been few and far between compared to the bad moments. At least Christmas day and the day after Christmas was nice. And it was really nice to see David and Emily today. They made us guardians of their son in case anything happens to him. I am so honored. They also named their son after Mark. His name is John Mark McCleve. Isn't that just beautiful? I love their boy too. We met him and he likes me :) It has been fun talking to my mom. We haven't had any fights since we have been here and she has put up with my moodiness beautifully. I went to the temple and it was really beautiful and nice inside. Mark didn't bring his stuff and got a too small robe so he wasn't keen on staying, which was annoying. *sigh* I am just annoyed and aggraveted with him today. But this is my paragraph about nice things. Tomorrow I am going to see my cousin Amy. I am really excited. I haven't seen her in a year. She has a new little boy! I am excited to meet Jaxon. The starts here are beautiful. I have not see the milky way in a long time and it was out in all its glory last night. We had a white christmas. Snow is overrated, but it was beautiful. The sky is as awesome as ever. I definitely want to come back to the west where there are no trees. I called both my brother and my sister on Christmas day and they both answered their phones. I got to talk to Liz for 20 minutes and Danny for 35 minutes. I miss them both very much and wish I could have spent some time with them this break. My mom has been helping me make this AWESOME stocking for Austin for Christmas next year. It is being made to match Mark's. I love it so far. We have the hardest part still to do, but it is going to be amazing in the end. My mom is awesome. She is so patient. I hope I can be more like her someday. I mean, some of the things she does bother me of course and I wouldn't choose to do them, but they are the little things that don't really matter. In all of the important areas of my life I want to be just like her. She is the best mom ever. It will be a lifetime of work for me to become like that. So you see, I guess not all of the break has been bad. I have done a few really great things. I did get to spend one night in this really awesome hotel with Mark in Phoenix the night I flew in. We went to breakfast at IHOP and drove around Phoenix together and did some shopping and got all our Christmas things done. And even thought it was annoying to have to stay in Globe, we did get to listen to Christmas music and finish our Christmas cards to our family members while were there together and watch Toy Story. That was fun. I also won Dominion when we played as a family. I have never won before and it was awesome. The Christmas program at the Bailey's was really nice. Every family shared some musical talent (except me. I read a story to the children instead). It was really beautiful. Then the children dressed up as the nativity and Dad Bailey read the story out of Luke 2. It was really lovely.

My conscience is telling me that part of the reason I am so cranky and upset is because I haven't said my personal prayers or read my scriptures in over a week. And that is true. I haven't. I probably should. I know it makes my life better. I would like to make some new year's resolutions too. Not very many, just a couple. I have never been really successful with them, but it doesn't hurt to try. I am ready for my birthday and Valentine's day. I am ready for Spring. I am ready for my sweet baby to arrive safely. I am ready to be a better person in 2012 than I was in 2011. I should start by calling my husband. But I might give myself a couple of hours. I am just not quite ready yet...

My Problems with Family

Why is being with extended family so hard for me sometimes? I love my husband more than life itself. I would die for him. And he has a wonderful family. They are some of the best people I know. So why do I have such a hard time when we are all together?

I feel sometimes like I don't fit in. Or I feel like I talk too much. I think I probably compare myself to everyone too and find myself coming up short. I feel like my students love me but that my nieces and nephews don't even like me or tolerate me at best. Is that because I had a hard time talking to them or holding them at first when it was hard for me to become pregnant.

I don't even want to go out of my bedroom right now to be with them. I think part of that is probably because Mark is really sick and I have to be alone out there. At least when he is there I feel like someone is there who loves me absolutely and completely. He either came down with the flu or food poisoning the day I got here. I am glad I was here to take care of him. He is sleeping next to me right now. I just don't want to leave this room.

I think my MIL is stressed out a little by so many people being here. I know she is happy to have all her children and grandchildren around her. But I feel like I just bother her or that I am in the way. I feel like I am very different from all of her daughters and her other daughters-in-law and sometimes I think she doesn't know what to do with me or what to talk to me about. Is that how it is going to be when my Austin gets married? I hope I can be a good MIL to whoever he chooses to marry.

Maybe I just worry too much about this. I thought maybe writing it down would help out some but it hasn't really helped at all. There are just too many people here. Too many little children. You can't have a conversation with someone without it being interrupted by a child. And I am not used to that and it is hard for me.

It has been awesome to see Joseph. It really has been. He is one of my favorite people. I am glad we are here to see him.

What is my problem? Why am I so uncomfortable and upset here? I feel a little trapped for one thing. We do not have a car and Mark is sick. I hate asking my in-laws for anything. I have already asked for a couple of things to help make Mark feel better (soda, crackers, and a space heater) and was made to feel like an idiot for asking. I didn't even bother asking for medicine. I just went out and bought some when we were all in town for Joseph's returning home fireside to the family. Too much family! The medicine helped and I think Mark is finally starting to feel better.

I hope this break improves. It is going to be a LONG three months before Spring Break if these feelings of anxiety, apprehension, and being trapped persist throughout this entire break.

What can I do to alleviate these feelings?

I should spend more time in the scriptures. I don't feel like I can pray about this because I feel guilty about feeling these feelings anyway. Sometimes when I feel too bad to pray I feel like God can reach out to me through the scriptures. So more scriptures and prayers.

I can try to think more about others and talk with them about how they are.

I can give myself a time limit for being patient with other people's children. I think my limit will be one hour. After an hour I will excuse myself and take a break in my room.

I can let other people worry about their own feelings and just enjoy myself. I think that is probably the best thing for me to do.

Honesty is the Best Policy

Tomorrow is the last day of school before Christmas Break. Yay!

Tomorrow I also fly from Raleigh to Phoenix. Hooray!

My awesome friend Samantha is taking me to the airport. I was a little nervous about making it to the airport on time because I have to drive from Reidsville to Winston where Sam is picking me up and then together we will drive to Raleigh. There was absolutely no wiggle room. I would have arrived at the airport only 1 hour ahead of time. I was thinking about calling in sick on Wednesday but having serious internal conflict because that is dishonest. I am not supposed to use my sick days unless I am sick. 

Well. Honesty is the best policy. I am not going to work tomorrow. I called in sick. Because I am. Honestly. I felt awful at work today. My throat is sore and I was exhausted and aching all over. So now I feel confident I will get everything done I need to and make my flight on time. But I am sick. A blessing and curse. 

I went to the office at the end of the day in tears. I think I am just over emotional because I am pregnant. I did not want anyone thinking I was lying or being dishonest about calling in sick on the last day of work before break. Of COURSE my principal was right there when I walked in. He is awesome and was all concern. He told me his opinion was the only one that mattered, that I didn't look well, he could tell I was truly sick, to skip out on the staff meeting, and have a nice break. I was so embarrassed. I have no idea why I was crying! For heaven's sake. The office ladies who take care of subs and everything were awesome too. They laughed sympathetically and said "See! We told you so. We told you you would come crying to us one day for no reason at all and not know why you are crying!" They did tell me that too, about two months ago when I announced my pregnancy. 

I seriously have the best boss and coworkers in the world. I am so thankful for my job. I love those people. I hope I am as fortunate in my next job as I have been in this one. 

Generosity

I feel so much gratitude in my heart for the generosity of others. Sometimes the goodness and generosity of people in my ward is overwhelming.

Maternity clothing is quite expensive. I certainly cannot afford to purchase a brand new wardrobe that I will only wear for 5 months. My mother-in-law and my mother purchased me several pieces of maternity clothes. I am so thankful for their generosity. The clothing is beautiful and functional and it will serve me to the end.

A friend of mine in the ward lent me her entire maternity wardrobe. She has about 20 shirts, 2 skirts, and several pairs of pants and jeans. Wow. I can't believe she is just letting me borrow it like that!

Another friend of mine gave me a shirt and a dress. She said she never wore them in two pregnancies and thought I could use them. So awesome.

And finally, my visiting teacher just gave birth to a daughter 5 weeks ago. She just found out I was expecting and gave me a big hug and congratulations at the ward party on Saturday night. She said that she and her husband are 100% sure (surgically sure, one of them is undergoing a procedure) that they will not be having any more children. She said she had a lot of long sleeved shirts she was going to sell but said she would just give them to me. So she brought me over probably 10 or 11 shirts, a dress, and a pair of pants. Wow. Who does that?!

And I feel so blessed because all three of those women are my size. So the clothes fit perfectly. I have had several people tell me that I will be really tired of my maternity clothes by the time I have my baby. I am not sure that is going to be the case. With the generosity of my family and friends my maternity wardrobe is bigger than my regular one!

Thank you everyone!

Still A Boy!

I had another ultrasound today to double check that my boy's heart was doing fine. And it's fine. So no worries. His spine is looking great. He is moving around quite a lot. He is a normal size.

And he still a boy. Definitely a boy.

My blood sugar has been good. I have been taking my blood sugar like a champ and being super careful about what I eat. And I have been exercising at least 4 days a week. Mark and I decided I need to make a list of why gestational diabetes has been a blessing. I mean it too! I have never exercised so regularly or eaten such a healthy, balanced diet in my life.

And I have only gained 2 pounds since I became pregnant. I did in fact loose a pound in the last month instead of gaining anything. I was feeling quite nervous about that. Everything I read says I am supposed to be gaining. But the doctor came in, took one look at my numbers and said "Your weight looks great. Your blood pressure looks great. How are you feeling?" Well, fine I guess! I mentioned the weight loss thing. He said not to worry at this point. If he's not worried, I'm not worried. I was about nine pounds overweight when I got pregnant. I guess I didn't need to add anything to those maternal fat stores and all that exercise and good eating must be paying off.

Anyway. I am so delighted to be having a child. I feel so blessed and happy. Sometimes I look at my life and think that it can't be mine because it is just so wonderful. I am so thankful for my many blessings, especially this one. I am going to cherish this experience. I do not know when (or even if) it will ever happen again. I am thankful it has been a delightful and pleasant experience for me. No sickness. Just a little tired and a little back pain (that has since gone away since I started to exercise). What a blessing. I am so excited to have my boy come, but I like I said, I am going to cherish every moment of this great blessing.

They say that having infertility makes you appreciate your pregnancy (if you are blessed to start your family in that way) in a different way than if you did not have infertility. I think that is true. At least for me. I am sure every woman blessed to carry a child feels blessed and honored to do so, but I believe that for myself I appreciate in a deeper and more meaningful way that I otherwise would have because it was a small struggle to get to this point. I really do not know if I would have appreciated the beauty, miracle, and blessing that this is without having had infertility issues first. So I am glad for my trial and even gladder for this wonderful, wonderful blessing!

A Mother's Love

Isn't she beautiful?

I have the most wonderful mother in the world. She is a beautiful person inside and out. I will never be able to repay her for everything she has done for me. All I can do is hope to pay it forward. When my son is born I hope that I can be the kind of mother for him that my mother was for me: patient, kind, understanding, patient, loving, patient, generous. Did I mention patient? My mother embodies that virtue. She was that and so much more. She was trusting. She guided my decisions but always, always let me choose for myself. And if the consequences were hard to live with she would help me understand them and how to live with them. Best. Mom. Ever. I am so thankful she sacrificed her time and money to come and visit me in North Carolina. I love her more than words can express.

Movement

One of the very best feelings I have ever experienced is my son kicking around in my tummy. He is surprisingly strong for only being 21 weeks! What a wonderful boy. I can't wait to meet him, but I love this experience so much I do not want to rush him out in any way. I want to treasure every moment because it has been a while in coming.

I am so blessed to have this pregnancy. I thank Heavenly Father every day for this great blessing. The ability to be pregnant is a gift. Maybe not everyone sees it that way, but it is. It truly is. You might think it is on your timing but it isn't it is the Lord's. And maybe you are lucky enough that both your idea of when to have children and his coincide. That was not the case for me. And unfortunately not everyone receives that gift from our Heavenly Father in this life. Some people have to wait. My waiting was not long at all. Four years is really not a long wait. But sometimes it felt long. It was sad and lonely. I was happy for others, but sad for myself. But the joy and sweetness of fulfillment makes my cup run over with joy. Every tear shed, every painful (emotional and physical) medical procedure was worth it.  I already love this boy so much I can't imagine loving him more when he comes but I am sure I will!