Why is being with extended family so hard for me sometimes? I love my husband more than life itself. I would die for him. And he has a wonderful family. They are some of the best people I know. So why do I have such a hard time when we are all together?
I feel sometimes like I don't fit in. Or I feel like I talk too much. I think I probably compare myself to everyone too and find myself coming up short. I feel like my students love me but that my nieces and nephews don't even like me or tolerate me at best. Is that because I had a hard time talking to them or holding them at first when it was hard for me to become pregnant.
I don't even want to go out of my bedroom right now to be with them. I think part of that is probably because Mark is really sick and I have to be alone out there. At least when he is there I feel like someone is there who loves me absolutely and completely. He either came down with the flu or food poisoning the day I got here. I am glad I was here to take care of him. He is sleeping next to me right now. I just don't want to leave this room.
I think my MIL is stressed out a little by so many people being here. I know she is happy to have all her children and grandchildren around her. But I feel like I just bother her or that I am in the way. I feel like I am very different from all of her daughters and her other daughters-in-law and sometimes I think she doesn't know what to do with me or what to talk to me about. Is that how it is going to be when my Austin gets married? I hope I can be a good MIL to whoever he chooses to marry.
Maybe I just worry too much about this. I thought maybe writing it down would help out some but it hasn't really helped at all. There are just too many people here. Too many little children. You can't have a conversation with someone without it being interrupted by a child. And I am not used to that and it is hard for me.
It has been awesome to see Joseph. It really has been. He is one of my favorite people. I am glad we are here to see him.
What is my problem? Why am I so uncomfortable and upset here? I feel a little trapped for one thing. We do not have a car and Mark is sick. I hate asking my in-laws for anything. I have already asked for a couple of things to help make Mark feel better (soda, crackers, and a space heater) and was made to feel like an idiot for asking. I didn't even bother asking for medicine. I just went out and bought some when we were all in town for Joseph's returning home fireside to the family. Too much family! The medicine helped and I think Mark is finally starting to feel better.
I hope this break improves. It is going to be a LONG three months before Spring Break if these feelings of anxiety, apprehension, and being trapped persist throughout this entire break.
What can I do to alleviate these feelings?
I should spend more time in the scriptures. I don't feel like I can pray about this because I feel guilty about feeling these feelings anyway. Sometimes when I feel too bad to pray I feel like God can reach out to me through the scriptures. So more scriptures and prayers.
I can try to think more about others and talk with them about how they are.
I can give myself a time limit for being patient with other people's children. I think my limit will be one hour. After an hour I will excuse myself and take a break in my room.
I can let other people worry about their own feelings and just enjoy myself. I think that is probably the best thing for me to do.
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