Emotional

You know, if there is one thing about being pregnant it is that I feel really emotional these days. Things just upset me more than they used to.

I have had the worst break. It started off badly. I got sick. Then, on my way up to Snowflake I got stuck in Globe because of bad weather. Then Mark got really sick and I had to take care of him.

Christmas day was nice. It was really peaceful and restful. The only thing I didn't like was that I probably had too much candy. There have been nice moments, but I just keep thinking about school and work. I don't know why I can't seem to put it all behind me.

I have been really aggravated this break for the most part. Being with my in-laws most of the time has been incredibly stressful. I wish we were not staying for so long and I am so thankful I will have one day in Winston and then a teacher work-day before I have to go back to work. In some ways I am looking forward to work as a break from my holiday! I just wish this holiday felt more restful. I got in a huge fight with Mark today. I am so frustrated with how he always acts when we are in Snowflake. It is like he reverts back to his old self, his boyhood self, and puts me second instead of first. I know his logic is something like "Well, I see Amanda all the time and I hardly ever see my family so I am going to make the most of this time with my family." But he doesn't really include me in that time. It is very frustrating and he doesn't understand where my frustration comes from. I guess I was just expecting it to be different this year and it hasn't been. Plus I am really emotional and needy because I am pregnant. But I am looking forward to going back to North Carolina and getting back into a routine. Two weeks is not long enough of a break for the break I have had. It just has not been restful. I need to try and change my mind in the next few days or it is going to be on hell of a semester before I go out for maternity leave.

I have not felt like myself. I have not felt happy. I have not felt peaceful. I have not felt relaxed. I am spending the night away from Mark. That is how upset I am. He is staying at his house and I am staying at mine. Mature right? I asked him if he wanted to stay here with me and he said "I'll think about it and call you later okay?" NO! Of COURSE it isn't okay! He should not need to think about whether or not he is going to spend the night with his wife or with his family. I was furious. I told him not to bother and I will just see him tomorrow sometime. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

I am really worried and anxious about the following things:

• Getting lesson plans ready for my maternity leave
• Not feeling rested before school starts again

I guess that is pretty much all. I have only six more days before I see students again. But maybe it will be good for me. I have had this feeling before. This feeling where it can go either way depending on how I feel or how I act (or react as the case may be). I feel like I can choose for it to be a good thing to go back to work or a really stressful thing. I want to choose for it to be a good thing but I think that will be much harder than choosing to be bitter and depressed about being in Snowflake and being cranky about going back to work.

My mom calls this a learning experience. Maybe she is right. I have had moments of peacefulness and happiness here. But they have been few and far between compared to the bad moments. At least Christmas day and the day after Christmas was nice. And it was really nice to see David and Emily today. They made us guardians of their son in case anything happens to him. I am so honored. They also named their son after Mark. His name is John Mark McCleve. Isn't that just beautiful? I love their boy too. We met him and he likes me :) It has been fun talking to my mom. We haven't had any fights since we have been here and she has put up with my moodiness beautifully. I went to the temple and it was really beautiful and nice inside. Mark didn't bring his stuff and got a too small robe so he wasn't keen on staying, which was annoying. *sigh* I am just annoyed and aggraveted with him today. But this is my paragraph about nice things. Tomorrow I am going to see my cousin Amy. I am really excited. I haven't seen her in a year. She has a new little boy! I am excited to meet Jaxon. The starts here are beautiful. I have not see the milky way in a long time and it was out in all its glory last night. We had a white christmas. Snow is overrated, but it was beautiful. The sky is as awesome as ever. I definitely want to come back to the west where there are no trees. I called both my brother and my sister on Christmas day and they both answered their phones. I got to talk to Liz for 20 minutes and Danny for 35 minutes. I miss them both very much and wish I could have spent some time with them this break. My mom has been helping me make this AWESOME stocking for Austin for Christmas next year. It is being made to match Mark's. I love it so far. We have the hardest part still to do, but it is going to be amazing in the end. My mom is awesome. She is so patient. I hope I can be more like her someday. I mean, some of the things she does bother me of course and I wouldn't choose to do them, but they are the little things that don't really matter. In all of the important areas of my life I want to be just like her. She is the best mom ever. It will be a lifetime of work for me to become like that. So you see, I guess not all of the break has been bad. I have done a few really great things. I did get to spend one night in this really awesome hotel with Mark in Phoenix the night I flew in. We went to breakfast at IHOP and drove around Phoenix together and did some shopping and got all our Christmas things done. And even thought it was annoying to have to stay in Globe, we did get to listen to Christmas music and finish our Christmas cards to our family members while were there together and watch Toy Story. That was fun. I also won Dominion when we played as a family. I have never won before and it was awesome. The Christmas program at the Bailey's was really nice. Every family shared some musical talent (except me. I read a story to the children instead). It was really beautiful. Then the children dressed up as the nativity and Dad Bailey read the story out of Luke 2. It was really lovely.

My conscience is telling me that part of the reason I am so cranky and upset is because I haven't said my personal prayers or read my scriptures in over a week. And that is true. I haven't. I probably should. I know it makes my life better. I would like to make some new year's resolutions too. Not very many, just a couple. I have never been really successful with them, but it doesn't hurt to try. I am ready for my birthday and Valentine's day. I am ready for Spring. I am ready for my sweet baby to arrive safely. I am ready to be a better person in 2012 than I was in 2011. I should start by calling my husband. But I might give myself a couple of hours. I am just not quite ready yet...