Faith and Prayer

I think my sister passing away has been especially difficult because she leaves behind such a young family. I love my sister. I will miss her more than I can say. But our lives were relatively separate. I am not going to have to make a huge life adjustment because she is gone. Yes, we called each other often and laughed and joked and had sisterly conversations and bonded. There is nothing like having a sister to talk to. You just talk to your sister and confide in your sister in a different way than anyone else in the world. Consider yourself lucky if you have one, or more than one! But I wasn't her spouse. And I am not her children. It is Michael and Abby and Lily who are going to miss her most and who have to make the biggest adjustment.

So in addition to my grief over the loss of my sister I have added worry and concern over the well-being of my brother-in-law and my nieces. Not only is my heart breaking for my loss but also for my brother-in-law's loss. I can't even imagine what he is going through. My nieces don't even know what is going on really. I want to hug the three year old and hold her and tell her I love her and that I will always be here for her, but she doesn't really want to be hugged and held. She just wants to play. She doesn't really understand what "Mommy went to live with Jesus and Grandpa Van Gesen" means. What will it be like for her, growing up without her mom? *sigh* I think that is the saddest part of this whole thing for me. My darling nieces. Without their momma to protect them and raise them. Because children need protecting.

So what I can do is pray for them and have faith in a perfect God who has a perfect plan for their lives. I have to believe they will turn out okay. I have to believe they are strong spirits who can navigate through the rough and tumble of the world without their mom. I have to believe that there are other wonderful women out there who live close to them who can help guide and direct them. I can call them. I can send them care packages. That, coupled with prayer, is about all I can do for my sweet nieces and brother-in-law who live 2000 miles away. 

In my heart of hearts I hope that my brother-in-law can find himself another wonderful woman to be his life partner for the remainder of his life and help him raise those sweet babies. I hope (whoever she is) that she can love those girls like her own. I hope that she can love our family like her own. I hope and pray for this woman every night in my prayers. Maybe you could pray for her too. 

What She Gave Me

My sister was one of the most influential people in my entire life. As I sat today grieving her loss I thought to myself Self, you need to get up and go do something. She wouldn't want you to mope.  So I got off the couch and went and sat down at the piano and began to play.

As I sat there letting the music move through me and help heal my heart I thought again of my sister and realized that it is only because of her that I can play the piano at all. I had never thought of it quite like that before. I always credited myself (for all my practicing :) and my mother (for not letting me quit when I wanted to.)  But you know what? The only reason I took lessons at all was because at the age of 16 my sister decided that she wanted to take lessons and so she asked my mom for them.

I guess my mom thought it was a good idea. I don't actually remember asking my mom for lessons or being particularly interested. I don't know if I asked my mom if I could take lessons too or if she just thought it would be nice for us to do it together. I guess it doesn't matter, because I started at age 8 and my sister started at age 16. She soon graduated from high school and let it go but I continued lessons for the next 10 years. 

My skill playing the piano has been one of my life's greatest blessings. Because I played the piano in high school I was able to accompany for the choirs. I was able to accompany for my friends. My friends and I used to sit around for hours singing together around the piano. It deepened our friendship and was just plain fun.

Because I played the piano I was able to get into the school of music at BYU because my music theory skills were up to par. My last piano teacher made sure of that.

Because I played the piano I was able to get a job after graduating from BYU. I was one of the only applicants who could play well. I was able to accompany my students and they trusted me because I could play the piano as well as their old teacher.

Because I play the piano I am now able to earn a small income from home while I raise my son.

Being able to play the piano has brought me countless hours of joy and numberless blessings. And the only reason I started lessons at all was because of my sister.

So thank you Liz. Thank you for one of the greatest gifts in my life. I love you. I miss you. You'll live on in me, in our brother, in your husband, and in your sweet daughters. 

Moving On

Tomorrow I am flying back to North Carolina. That might seem like a pretty obvious and benign statement. But it is very loaded and burdened to me.

My in-laws helped us purchase my flight out. We picked a random return date that was probably going to change because I was probably going to have to be in Utah for a month to help my sister rehabilitate and to help with the baby. In my wildest dreams I didn't think I would actually be flying back to North Carolina on that date. And I just have to keep saying it to myself.

My sister died.

She is not here. She doesn't need help rehabilitating. Her daughters are well in hand (probably too many hands!) I could be of some use helping to care for the girls during the day but now is the time for us all to settle into a new normal and since I really live on the other side of the country the best thing for me to do right now is just to go home to North Carolina.

Oh how my heart is breaking. I want so badly to be helping my sister get better. I want to be helping to raise those little girls. It feels cruel and unfair to be going back to North Carolina and essentially settling back into my old routines that will remain largely unchanged. The only change will be in my heart, which still feels so heavy I am not sure a plane can lift it and carry it back to North Carolina.

I'm so sad. I am saddest in the quiet moments when I am all alone. And even though I will be surrounded by people on the airplane tomorrow, I will essentially be alone. And 5 hours on a plane is a long time to be alone.

I flew into Utah just over a week ago hoping for a miracle. I fly away instead with a broken heart, trying to hang onto my faith and pushing back the fear I feel for the well being of my brother-in-law and my nieces.

My Sister

My sister died in childbirth this last weekend. She leaves behind two young daughters, ages 1 week and 3 years. She also leaves behind her loving husband.

It was a dual income household. Please consider donating whatever you can to the Elizabeth Van Gesen Roberts fund to help out my brother-in-law and his two little girls. He is now a single parent trying to provide for his young family all alone.

I have no words. I have never really understood what people meant when they said their heart feels heavy. I know now. It really does feel heavy. It is a physical and emotional feeling. I have not ever been so sad in my entire life-- not even when my dad passed away.

When my dad died I felt grief along with peace and understanding. It built my faith.

Right now I feel grief along with confusion and anger. It tries my faith. I don't understand. I see no purpose in this. I am shocked. I am angry. I am grieved. I am mourning. I can't believe she is gone. I hope that someday I find the purpose in this.

For now I just hold my nieces (who look just like her) and remember all the good times I had with my sister.

Prayer Request

Hello Blog Friends,

If you haven't already seen my post on facebook (yes, I went back for this very reason) and done so, please pray for my sister. She just had a baby today. The baby is doing great but my sister is not. She actually flatlined on the delivery table and had to be revived and put on a ventilator. She is severely hemorrhaging and they are struggling to get her stable. She had some very serious complications that I won't go into. Please pray for her recovery. Pray that she will be at peace and that her young family will be at peace as well. Thank you.

In a Rut...

I feel like I am stuck in a rut. I have been down and depressed for almost a week. That is unusual for me. I have been trying to put my finger on it for a while and I just can't seem to figure out exactly what it is that is causing me to feel this way. I have some ideas... Perhaps it is because Mark has been gone a ton these last two weeks. Perhaps it is because the novelty of being a SAHM has worn off and reality is setting in. Perhaps it is because I feel frustrated that day in and day out I simply do the same things over and over and over. Perhaps it is because I miss the constant challenge and triumph of being a teacher. Perhaps it is a combination of all of those things.

What do you do when you are stuck in a rut?

Avoiding Blogger's Remorse and Other Miscellaneous Thoughts

I wrote this long, well-thought out blog post yesterday. Before I wrote it I had a feeling it probably wasn't something I wanted to publish. But I pushed that feeling aside and wrote the post anyway. As I was finishing I couldn't ignore that feeling so I just clicked save and then closed blogger.

Fast-forward to today. I am so glad I didn't publish it. I like to think of myself as an open, friendly, and non-judgmental person. Sometimes Mark says I might be a little too open... but mostly he likes how open and honest I am about life and its joys and sorrows and hilarity. The blog post I wrote yesterday was very meaningful and very personal... too personal as Mark would say. And I am glad I didn't publish it. I am glad I avoided blogger's remorse. It felt great to get my ideas out and organized but it is one of those things that should simply stay between me and those closest to me.

Whew. Glad that's over.

That being said life is moving in a positive direction. I have actually been super depressed lately (that is not what the aforementioned post was about, though). Part of it is because Mark has been gone a lot. I mean we're talking 14 hour days (don't laugh if your husband is gone more. I am still getting used to it.) working on a service that he doesn't like so he comes home cranky and exhausted. We would spend 45-60 minutes together at most and then he would crash into bed. He didn't see Austin for a couple of days in there. It was lame.

Also, we tried to switch internet service providers. It has been a fiasco. The new service is so abysmal that we ended up switching back to our old provider. So that has been a source of tension, since we would argue about whether or not to go back. And I am trying to start a new hobby but feeling guilty about it because like most hobbies, it isn't free.

Last night Mark came home relatively happy. It was so nice. And since our internet was being lame we just sat and talked all of the above-mentioned problems out. When I write them down they sound trivial... probably because they are. But a lot of little things added up doesn't feel trivial. So we talked about everything and worked it out and today I feel like a million bucks.

Communication in marriage is essential to marital bliss. I think my life is so awesome because I have a husband who is willing to talk things out with me and help me see the error of my ways (if I am in the wrong) or who listens to me (when he is wrong). Sometimes we are both wrong and we can help each other there too. I sure love my husband. He is the best. Here's to hoping he doesn't have a crazy weekend and that we can actually go on a date :)

P.S. My new hobby is quilting. And I am SO excited to get started. I have a pattern and now I am super excited to get started!!!

Random...

So I created a new blog just to put my recipes on. I use pinterest to keep track of any recipes I discover online. I have an entire category dedicated to things I try and like. However, I also have a large library of cookbooks and I try lots of things out of those as well. I have been married almost 5 years and ever since I got into cooking (about a year into my marriage) my husband as been asking me to keep track of the good ones so I can repeat them. I never have done that much to his chagrin and now I kind of regret it. So I have finally decided to start keeping track and I started a blog just for that. It isn't fancy. I don't take pictures. I simply write out the recipe and it's source. The format is plain and I don't ever plan on making it into any sort of fancy cooking blog. I am not a great cook. I do it for my family and that is all.

However. I just have to say how random the internet is. I have only had 5 page views of that blog total. There are only 3 or 4 recipes on it. I just started it a month or so ago. And do you know where one of the page views was from? France. Wow. Random. That's all :)

Faith in the Lord's Timing

19. That is the magic number for young female members of the Church to serve a mission. 19 down from 21. My first reaction was shock. My second reaction was excitement. My third reaction was jealously and regret. I thought Oh, if only I that change had been made 7 years ago...

I always wanted to serve a full-time mission as a young adult, and  I always thought I would. I loved the gospel, I loved the Lord, and I wasn't going to be one of those girls who got married right out of high school.

My life didn't quite turn out that way. I wasn't quite that girl who got married right out of high school. I was two months shy of 21 (i.e. I was 20...) and I had a two and half years of college under my belt. At that time the age for female missionary service was 21, and as you can see I didn't make it to that magical age before I got married. So I didn't go.

For the record I don't regret marrying young. These have been 5 of the happiest years of my life. I don't regret marrying Mark. He is the best thing that ever happened to me. I was so happy to be married when my dad passed away. It is wonderful to me that my dad knew Mark as my husband and not just as some guy I liked, especially since he will not know any of my children.

But there is a small part of me that still wishes I had served a mission. It is a very small part. But it hides away at the back of my heart and sighs for the lost opportunity. And today the announcement was made that 19 is now the magic age. That small part at the back of my heart said to me today "I would have gone on that mission if that had been the allowed age back then."

And I have to say to that small part of my heart "Trust in the Lord with all thy heart and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him and he shall direct thy paths" and "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord."

I wish I could have served a mission but that was not the path for me. I have to look at the path the Lord has led me down and rejoice and be thankful. I know it is extremely ungrateful of me to not bow down and thank the Lord for guiding me the way he has. The timing of my life has been superb. I have a wonderful husband. I have a wonderful child. I got to teach wonderful children in the public school system. I have met so many wonderful people in the short years of my life. And you only meet the right people when you are in the right place at the right time and I thank the Lord that I have been. A mission wasn't the right thing for me at that time. It wasn't in the plan Heavenly Father laid out for me. He had other plans for me, other ways for me to grow and develop, other expectations for me to meet. So to the sadness in my heart I say we'ļl serve later and to the universe I say may this new announcement make the timing perfect for other young women of faith in my religion and may they go out and meet those people at the right time and in the right place who are ready to hear the gospel of Jesus Christ from their lips. God bless the Prophet and all those whose lives will forever be changed by his inspired counsel today.

A Day in the Life...

Today was such a lovely day. Saturdays are almost sacred in our home, especially Saturday mornings. Saturday morning is the time when we really reconnect as a family. We usually go for a walk, have a special breakfast together, and then go out and do something fun. Sometimes we clean together. In the fall there is always a football game on in the afternoon. In any case, Saturday is a very special day when we do fun things together as a family and simply enjoy all the blessings Heavenly Father has given us together. Today was the first Saturday we have been able to reconnect in a while. Two weeks ago we were at a wedding and it was a busy day. Last week I was traveling home from said wedding and it was a busy day. Because of those last two Saturdays today felt especially blessed and beautiful.

We woke up rested and feeling great around 7:30 this morning. We went for a family walk. I love our family walks. They are usually the highlight(s) of the week. Austin fell asleep on the walk. What a cutie.

As soon as we got home we put Austin in his bed, cleaned up the kitchen, and made an awesome breakfast: breakfast burritos, orange juice, and english muffins with Nutella. Then we decided we wanted to go out and do something. I wanted to go to Pilot Mountain. Mark wanted to go to Lexington. So we played paper-rock-scissors to decide. Mark won and we went to Lexington. I was just excited to go somewhere so we went and had a blast! 

We visited this incredible, I repeat INCREDIBLE, candy store. That is the whole reason we went actually. We saw an ad for it on TV when I was pregnant with Austin and decided we would go when I was no longer diabetic. It had the coolest selection of candy and antique toys and fudge and chocolate truffles and chocolate covered everything. I love candy stores. I love them. 

After the fabulous candy shop we walked around uptown Lexington. It was really cute. It has lovely churches. One had this fabulous steeple. The picture doesn't do it justice. 

The weather was perfect, Austin was perfect, and candy was perfect. It was just a perfect morning. After that we came home, watched General Conference, and then had a barbeque. 

It was just loveliest, most perfect day and I had to write about so that I will remember it on the not so lovely and not so perfect days.

I feel so happy and so peaceful and so content, especially after a day out with the two boys I love more than anything. I am truly the most blessed of women. 

Swimming

While we were swimming at Nana and Grandpa's house Austin fell asleep. Nana jogs around the pool in the water for her exercise and while I was on the phone with Mark and she was holding him in the pool he fell asleep. What a cutie. He stayed asleep when she transferred him to me. I guess he finds the water relaxing to say the least!

Creating

Here are pictures of the two coolest things I have ever made:

1. Austin
2. A BYU Blanket it the shape of a football

There is no tutorial for my baby. He is one of a kind :) But if you want the tutorial for the football blanket you can find it here. Didn't they both turn out awesome --baby and blanket :) 

Uncle Duff's Wedding Trip

We flew out to Arizona as a family for Mark's youngest brother's wedding. The ceremony was absolutely lovely. I didn't get any pictures of the couple but believe me, they were stunning and their wedding was delightful.

Here we are on our way to AZ. Conditions were perfect: the flight wasn't full so we had our own seat and it was a direct flight. It doesn't get better than that with a 5 month old infant right? Look how happy we are!

Unfortunately it was Austin's worst flight ever. He lasted about one hour and then the next three it was off and on crying, fussing, trying to sleep, sleeping, and then around that circle again. Ugh. Here is a picture capturing the exactly how we felt. Oh and there was also a blowout on that flight. Notice how he is wearing a different outfit in the below pictures than in the above pictures...

There were some precious moments like this one, where Mark and Austin are gazing out the window together. I would also like to say that Austin's worst flights are probably some kids' best flights. So as bad as it was, it definitely could have been worse. That is how awesome my kid is :) 

Mark had to turn around and leave the day after the wedding but Austin and I stayed for a week! The remainder of the trip was spent sewing, reading, hanging out with cousins, swimming, and just relaxing. Austin was an absolute champ on the flight home. He didn't cry once and slept for over two hours in my arms allowing me to nap as well. What a fabulous baby boy. 

We were certainly ready to come home though and so excited to see Dad (Mark) when we got off the plane. Mark was such a sweetheart. Instead of bringing me flowers or candy as a gift after such a long time apart Mark brought me a bowl, a spoon, and a box of cereal. He told me he knew cereal was my comfort food (and he was right) and that if it had been a hard flight that would cheer me up the best. It was an awesome flight but I was still glad to have the cereal all the same :) I have the best husband ever.