Moving On

Tomorrow I am flying back to North Carolina. That might seem like a pretty obvious and benign statement. But it is very loaded and burdened to me.

My in-laws helped us purchase my flight out. We picked a random return date that was probably going to change because I was probably going to have to be in Utah for a month to help my sister rehabilitate and to help with the baby. In my wildest dreams I didn't think I would actually be flying back to North Carolina on that date. And I just have to keep saying it to myself.

My sister died.

She is not here. She doesn't need help rehabilitating. Her daughters are well in hand (probably too many hands!) I could be of some use helping to care for the girls during the day but now is the time for us all to settle into a new normal and since I really live on the other side of the country the best thing for me to do right now is just to go home to North Carolina.

Oh how my heart is breaking. I want so badly to be helping my sister get better. I want to be helping to raise those little girls. It feels cruel and unfair to be going back to North Carolina and essentially settling back into my old routines that will remain largely unchanged. The only change will be in my heart, which still feels so heavy I am not sure a plane can lift it and carry it back to North Carolina.

I'm so sad. I am saddest in the quiet moments when I am all alone. And even though I will be surrounded by people on the airplane tomorrow, I will essentially be alone. And 5 hours on a plane is a long time to be alone.

I flew into Utah just over a week ago hoping for a miracle. I fly away instead with a broken heart, trying to hang onto my faith and pushing back the fear I feel for the well being of my brother-in-law and my nieces.