I had the best evening. First of all, my first day of school went quite well. I was not nervous or stressed. I totally knew my own power and abilities and the students (even the 8th grade) were not able to walk all over me. Last year I was shaking in my boots with the 8th grade. Literally. I would shake with frustration, fear, and rage. But this year, when they got too chatty on the first day (like they owned the place) I simply asserted my authority as their teacher, reminded them what respect looked like to me, told them I would not be afraid to write one of them up on the first day of school, and if they wanted to be first, that was fine with me. I had many, many students hug me and say how much they missed me. It was wonderful to feel their love. So after a great first day at school I came home at a reasonable hour to spend the rest of the day with my wonderful husband.
He is the best husband in the whole world. He got up this morning at 5:45 and made me a hot breakfast of whole wheat pancakes. He sat up with me and talked with me and gave me a lot of hugs and kisses. He told me he wanted me to go to my first day with students with a lot of love from my husband. It really worked. He started my day in such a positive way. He even stood at the door and waved at me as I drove off (at my request :)
When I got home we had dinner together and just talked for over two hours. We went on a walk because the weather today was magnificently cool and comfortable. And then we watched Jeopardy together. After that we talked some more and then we went to Food Lion to buy a few groceries for the coming week. When we got home we tackled our disgusting kitchen together and finished it in no time: floor mopped, dishes done (there were TONS of them), counters cleaned, trash taken out, fridge cleaned out, and bug spray put down (we saw a roach a couple of days ago). I know it sounds so simple but the conversation tonight was so free and easy and being together was just wonderful. It was one of the best days and evenings I have had in a long time. I really do have a blessed and wonderful life. I am so glad to be me and I am even gladder that Mark is my husband.
Monday, August 15, 2011
Friday, August 12, 2011
News!
8-5-11
I felt crampy all day. It made me really sad because I thought for sure my period was going to start. We had dinner with a family in the ward, the Fife's. They are expecting their first baby. They tried for 4 years after being married for 4 years, so 8 years total. They ended up having to do IVF. They gave us some left over medication. It is really expensive. They said if we don't end up using it to just give it to the office. We have the same reproductive endocrinologist (RE). I decided to take a pregnancy test at 11:30 PM. I just needed to know for sure that it had been a failed cycle. I really thought it was. I even blogged about it. So I took the test and it was.......... POSITIVE!!! I couldn't believe it. I took my glasses off and put them back on. I looked at the test multiple times at multiple angles. It was positive.
I went to show it to Mark (who was already asleep). I shook him awake and showed it to him silently. He patted me on the shoulder and said "I'm so sorry sweetheart." I shook my head and pointed again. He said again (half asleep) "I know. I'm really sorry. Maybe next time." I pointed to the positive sign and he said "What?" I said "Mark! It is positive!" He said "Are you sure?" I said "I think so!" He said "Well that is wonderful!" And then fell back asleep. I slept with the pregnancy test right next to my bed.
8-6-11
In the morning I asked Mark if he remembered me waking him up. He said no. Then yes. Then "That was real?! Are you sure?" I said yes. We were shocked to say the least. We had not expected it to work. We were trying not to be too excited or talk about it too much because last time we got our hopes up too soon and I lost the pregnancy and it was devastating. So this time we tried to control our expectations. I took another pregnancy test around lunchtime. It was still positive. We tried to keep our excitement under control. We were still really scared.
I told my mom. She said that she will be really excited for us and that she is not scared at all. I am so glad my mom is my cheerleader. I need someone with her faith and confidence right now.
8-7-11
I told Jessica Condon and she told her husband, Brett. They are our really good friends here and I have confided a lot in her about my infertility issues. I know that she and Brett pray for us regularly to have a baby. She tells me so. So I told her but also asked her to keep it secret. It is really, really nice to have someone here in Winston to talk to about all my appointments and hormone levels and ultrasounds. I know that if something goes wrong she will be there for me to go to. She is awesome.
8-8-11
I called the Dr.'s office today. I took another pregnancy test in the morning (they come in packs of two and I had leftover one from the last time I had to test). It was still positive! My excitement grows every single day. I am trying to control it but it is just hard when something I have wanted for so long seems to be working! I went and got my blood tested in the afternoon. I barely made it on time because today was my first day back at work. I actually had some people at work ask me how my treatments were going and if I was pregnant yet. I kind of evaded their questions. I am just not ready to tell anyone yet. We haven't even told Mark's mom and dad!
8-9-11
The results are in and everything is AWESOME. My progesterone and hCG levels are both really high and well above the safe range. I was relieved to hear about that, especially the progesterone because last time my progesterone was low at this point in my pregnancy. I really, really hope that means things are going to work this time. I am still taking my suppositories faithfully just in case, but the nurse said my levels were so high, that I probably don't need to anymore. Still. Just in case. Each day that passes makes it more and more difficult to control my expectations. I just want to be excited. I want it to work out. I want to have a sweet little child to raise up to the Lord with my husband.
A girl at work asked me point blank if I was pregnant today. She is pregnant too. Only 4 weeks further along than me. I told her I was but asked her to please not tell anyone. She is very discreet and I felt I could trust her. She has been so good about it she doesn't even smile about it in the hallway or bring it up when we are alone. But she was really excited for me and was really excited that we get to do this together. She is just a couple of years older than me. The difference is that hers was a complete surprise (on birth control) and mine was VERY planned.
8-10-11
I went and had another blood test done after work today. It wasn't really necessary but they said if it would make me feel better that I could go ahead and have it done. So I went ahead and had it done. I just need that little bit on confirmation. I am getting to know the phlebotomist pretty well. I said I hoped that it was the last time I saw him for a while, nothing personal, but I just hoped that I would be getting good news. He said he hoped so too. I got these awesome prenatal vitamins. They are gummies. I love taking them! I love them so much I have a hard time only taking two each day!
8-11-11
I am at work right now writing this. I just got back from a meeting with the high school band, choir, and drama teachers. We were working out a schedule for our concerts in the auditorium for December and May. When we got to the point where we were scheduling for May I asked them to please not tell anyone (because for some reason I just don't want people to know. I think for me it is too early. I want to be excited and celebrate for myself for a while. It feels really special and sacred. I am also still scared that I will not be able to carry the pregnancy to term. Although, with each passing day I feel more peaceful about it. I feel like this is the time. This is really the right time for me to have my little baby) but that I was pregnant, due in April, and needed to have an earlier concert. They were all very happy for me. I asked to schedule a concert in early April. They said "When are you due?" I said April 17. They said "ARE YOU CRAZY?! You need to have that concert in March! First babies either come two weeks early or three weeks late!"
So I scheduled the concert for March. I still left my date I had originally scheduled in May. Just in case. Because even though I am more confident than ever that this is the time, I am still a little scared and doubtful.
In the middle of the meeting I got a call from the nurse with the results of the test. Awesome! Things are going exactly as they should. My hCG levels a little more than doubled in two days. Which is exactly what they are supposed to do. When I heard that I was so excited! I was probably the most excited I have been.
After the meeting I called Mark. He wants to tell his parents now. We are going to have an ultrasound a week from Friday to make sure that everything looks ok in there.
Sometimes I still feel little aches and pains in my lower abdomen and those make me nervous. But I am trying to not be nervous. I am trying to just let things be.
I'm having a baby!
(oops! I almost hit publish post! I am definitely not ready to publish this post!)
8-12-11
I have gas. Really, really painful gas. And I feel sick. But you know what? I have never been so glad to have really bad gas pains (for the third day in a row) in my life. It is one of the symptoms of early pregnancy. :) I swore that once I got pregnant I would never complain about the aches and pains that come with it. Well, I will probably complain but I will be so thankful for all the pains because they are worth it.
8-20-11
Yesterday I went in and had my very first ultrasound. There is just one developing zygote in there. Mark was relieved about that. Mostly you could just see the yolk sack but it was still really cool to realize that there is a future person growing next to that thing! I have been feeling kind of crampy and I found out that those feelings are completely normal because my ovaries are still really swollen and sensitive and I have a little bit of fluid behind my uterus from ovulation. Nothing to worry about for now. We got a picture of our little baby and now it is sitting on Mark's man drawer (a little drawer where he keeps his personal things). It is really sweet to me that he wants to keep the picture there. He is getting more excited by the day. We are still really trying to control our expectations and we don't want to tell too many people in case something happens. But we are so happy. We feel so blessed that it worked out this time. April 11th cannot come soon enough! I can't wait to go back in a week and a half and see and hear the little heartbeat. I hope everything continues to go well!
8-21-11
Today I woke up with no feelings of pregnancy. It made me scared and nervous because I want this to work out so badly. Well I follow this awesome blog of this Christian woman whose husband was in a terrible car accident where he got a traumatic brain injury and suffered a lot of physical damage as well. Her faith is incredible. She definitely has days on her blog where she posts about her sadness about the entire situation and how she would love to have her old life back. But mostly she just posts about how no matter how hard it gets she knows God and Jesus will never let her down and that they will always be with her. I know that she might not ever know or believe in this life what an inspiration she is to so many. She has almost 1000 readers on her blog. Even if the remainder of her life is taking care of her husband and she is never able to have children I wish I could tell her what an inspiration she is to thousands. Maybe her calling in life is to lift up the broken hearted. In a way she reminds me of Mother Theresa. She doesn't really get anything but she continues to have faith in God and Christ and never gives up her hope. She truly is an inspiration and I hope I get to meet her in heaven and hug her and tell her how much she strengthens me. She always posts references to biblical scriptures on her blog today she posted Isaiah 26:4:
Trust ye in the LORD forever; for in the LORD JEHOVAH is everlasting strength.
That is just what I needed to hear this morning. Here I am, having everything I want and being so scared and worried that it will not work out, when she is having to choose faith as she struggles through each day not getting anything she wants. What an example. Her calling and election must be sure. She is an incredible person.
8-27-11
I get to hear the heartbeat on Wednesday. Hopefully. I am really scared and nervous. I called the nurse about my symptoms leaving. She said it was normal for them to come and go. And she was right. They have come back and gone again and come back. It makes me feel relieved. But sometimes I get cramps and they make me feel so nervous. My overall feeling is one of peace and calm. I am just waiting for Wednesday. I am really scared and nervous because that is just about as a early as it is possible to hear or see the heartbeat so what if it is too early? What if something is wrong? I really hope it is not and that everything is going to be alright. Please come quickly Wednesday!
9-1-11
Yesterday I went to the doctor's office. I left work as soon as I could and went home to pick up Mark. We went straight to the doctor's office. We waited in the lobby for a few minutes and then we were called back. I had to undress from the waist down and put a sheet over me. It isn't anything I am not used to. I have had more vaginal ultrasounds than I can count. I was so nervous and anxious. I had been all day. I thought the day would never end. I sat quietly on the little table/chair thing they sit you on for your exam just holding Mark's hand. Mark was chatting away. It was nice that he talked to much because I really didn't have anything to say. I actually didn't hear much of what he said because I was thinking about what was about to happen. Last time we went in for one of these there was no heartbeat. Blighted Ovum. So I was just sitting on that cold table remembering last time and trying not to get my hopes up. One of the nurses came in and checked on us. She said she was going to find the doctor and light a fire under him to make him hurry up. I love the staff at that office. They are SO awesome. They are funny, kind, respectful, sensitive, and caring. Anyway, so finally the doc came in. He is really friendly and nice too. The exam started. I looked away at first because I didn't want to see that there was nothing there. But of course I looked right back over in a few seconds. And then there it was!!! The little fluttering in the image that is the heartbeat. And then he turned on the sound and we listened to it for a few seconds. It was AWESOME. He gave us a picture, referred some OBs to us. We thanked him profusely and said what a wonderful experience it had been working with his staff. It was seriously awesome. They are some of the kindest people I have ever met. The only sad thing about this whole experience is that I will have to leave their office and go to a new doctor. But I am so happy!!! Mark is really excited too. We celebrated by buying "How to Train Your Dragon" on blu-ray. We went and saw that movie in the theaters the day the bleeding started for my last pregnancy as I began to miscarry. We felt like buying it would sort of be coming full circle. We also bought Moses a new toy and got some Naked Juice. We started talking about names and we even felt confident enough to go and look at the baby section in Wal-Mart. It was fantastic. Anyway. I am at work so I had better go and get to my planning but I wanted to write it all down. It still feels unreal and I am still really nervous about a miscarriage. I think I will wait about another month before I tell everyone. It is fun to have a little secret!
9-6-11
I think about being pregnant all the time. I don't feel particularly pregnant. I wonder if everything is okay. I wonder what my life will be like in a year. I hope with all my heart that in April I will get to deliver a healthy child that I will get to raise in this life. I know from experience that life never works out quite how you think it will. Hard times come. Trials are put in your path so you can learn to trust Heavenly Father. But I think about this pregnancy. All the time. Please work out. Please.
9-16-11
I had my first visit with an obstetrician on Wednesday. (Today is Friday). They don't keep you at the reproductive endocrinology office past 8 weeks if your pregnancy is healthy at that point and looking great. Which mine is. So far so good. So they transferred my records back to my OB. And I had my first visit. I went in and had my blood drawn and answered a lot of questions about my medical history and that of my family. They also wanted to hear the heart beat.
Well, the doctor came in and used the same machine that I had used on me in my first pregnancy that could not find the heartbeat. When there was no heartbeat my heart sank just a little. I was nervous because the only time I had ever had that thing used on me had been unsuccessful as well and then I miscarried. I had told myself before I went in that if they couldn't find a heartbeat with that thing I would demand and ultrasound. Well, that wasn't even necessary. The doctor turned off the machine and said "Well, it is probably just too early to hear it with this thing. Let's get you in for an ultrasound." He offered it before I even asked! I was so relieved. I asked him if it would be long before I could come back for the ultrasound. He said "No! Of course not! We'll just go over into the other room and do it right now. We are not going to send you away empty handed on your first visit!" Isn't that awesome? He is a very friendly doctor. So we went into the next room, he did a quick ultrasound and said "Ah! There it is! 180 beats per minute. Perfect! Congratulations." I was so relieved to hear its little heart beating I almost started crying right there on the table. He printed off some pictures for me, said he would see me in a month, and that was it.
I am so excited! We told all of Mark's brothers and sisters yesterday. They are all really excited for us. They have been praying for us and fasting for us for years. They are a wonderful family to have. They are so supportive and loving. I am so glad to be a part of that family.
Anyway, I had better get going but I am so excited. I can't wait for these next three weeks to pass because then I will announce it to everyone :) I am due April 14. Perfect timing. Right at the end of the school year and right after Mark takes Step 1 of the medical board exam.
9-17-11
I had the most awesome realization yesterday. For some reason I thought that this Monday I would be only 10 weeks along and that I would have 3 more weeks in the first trimester. I do not know how I got a week off, I have been so meticulous about my calculations. But I will be 11 weeks on Monday. 10 weeks is essentially past. 10 weeks is where I miscarried last time. I have passed that mark. I have passed it and I am still pregnant. In fact, I heart the heartbeat in the middle of the 10th week and everything was fine that day. I am so relieved. I just want to cry.
I am so excited. I want to share my news now. I am ready for people to know. I am also a little nervous and scared. I am bringing a person into this world. I am bringing a person who will have his or her own agency. Who will have his or her own life. Who will make choices and have experiences different from my own. It is really humbling. And frightening. But I am going to love this person. I hope that I love this person as much as my mother and father loved me. I love my parents so much. I know what it is to be loved by a parent. I do not know what it is to love like a parent. I hope that I can give my child the best start in life that I possibly can. I want this child to know that their life is probably not going to be easy, but I will be here for this child. I will be here to guide and direct the child the best that I can. I will be here to help the child get on his or her feet when they fall down. I will be here to love the child when no one else seems to. How humbling. I hope I can live up to the expectations of the child, my Heavenly Father, and myself.
9-20-11
I am 11 weeks and 1 day but I have been having some funny twinges and cramping. It is very scary. I have already told a lot of people. I have told a handful of people at work, a handful of people at church, Mark's entire family, and my entire family. I don't want to have to un-tell them. I want to be a mother. I want this to work out. I have been counting on it now for a couple of months. I am just feeling nervous and scared and stressed and tired today. Will that make me a bad mother?
9-28-11
I don't know how to tell how many weeks I am. I thought I was 12 but now I think I am only 11. I wish the first trimester would just end. I told all my colleagues yesterday in a meeting and now several of my students know. I wish they didn't. I mean, I am glad I told them but when I told them I thought I was a week further on than I am. I still have three weeks left in this trimester. I was right in my calculations the first time. I still have three weeks left and not one. I want for these next three weeks to just fly by. 11 is much scarier to me than 12 for some reason. And 12 is much scarier than 13. I think when I get to a true 14 week pregnancy I will be feeling awesome. Now that so many people know I am just scared to miscarry. I am so scared in fact that I am already thinking of ways that I can tell my students. I would tell them I just had the baby too early and that the baby passed away because it was born too soon. I would e-mail all my friends and colleagues. And I would blog and facebook about it for everyone else. I do not know why I sabotage myself with these thoughts. I just don't want to have another miscarriage. I don't want to explain things to people. I just want to deliver a healthy child it 6 1/2 months. Mostly I feel peaceful about it in my heart when I pray. But I hope things continue in a positive way during this pregnancy. I have had lots of smiles and congratulations. I wish I could enjoy them more. I wish I could just take them and be happy and not so scared.
10-13-11
I had my second prenatal visit with my OB/GYN today. It went really well. I got to hear my baby's heart beating again. This time it was strong enough to hear with the doppler device instead of having to use an ultrasound. It was so sweet to hear its little heart beating. The longer I am pregnant the less worried I am about having a miscarriage. I think I am finally going to start enjoying it. I am already 1/3 of the way done with this pregnancy. Time has absolutely flown by! If this is how it is going to be for the rest of the time and then while I am raising my child I am just going to treasure these moments. I can't believe I am bringing a person into this world. It will have its own personality and wants and needs. It will have its own joys and sorrows. It is going to grow up and live in this world, just like I did and am doing. It is almost unfathomable to me. I just can't believe it. What will it be like? What kind of parent am I going to be? Am I going to make the right decisions? I'll admit I am scared. Being a parent is a lifetime commitment. I will be a mother for the rest of my life. I will get to take care of this person for the rest of my life. I hope that I do a good job. I hope that I can give this little person as wonderful a chance as my parents gave to me. And I hope this little person will love me too. I hope that this little person will stay close to family and God and make right choices. I hope that love will be strong and mutual and that we will grow in love and understanding as the years pass. You know, I am more afraid of having a wayward child than having a handicapped child. But fear is not from Heavenly Father and it is the opposite of faith. I know Heavenly Father will help me to do my very best and then I have to remember that my child has a will of his or her own and he or she will have to use that God given agency to make their own decisions.
But I digress. Today I heard my baby's heartbeat. And it was beautiful. I can't wait until I feel my baby moving around.
I felt crampy all day. It made me really sad because I thought for sure my period was going to start. We had dinner with a family in the ward, the Fife's. They are expecting their first baby. They tried for 4 years after being married for 4 years, so 8 years total. They ended up having to do IVF. They gave us some left over medication. It is really expensive. They said if we don't end up using it to just give it to the office. We have the same reproductive endocrinologist (RE). I decided to take a pregnancy test at 11:30 PM. I just needed to know for sure that it had been a failed cycle. I really thought it was. I even blogged about it. So I took the test and it was.......... POSITIVE!!! I couldn't believe it. I took my glasses off and put them back on. I looked at the test multiple times at multiple angles. It was positive.
I went to show it to Mark (who was already asleep). I shook him awake and showed it to him silently. He patted me on the shoulder and said "I'm so sorry sweetheart." I shook my head and pointed again. He said again (half asleep) "I know. I'm really sorry. Maybe next time." I pointed to the positive sign and he said "What?" I said "Mark! It is positive!" He said "Are you sure?" I said "I think so!" He said "Well that is wonderful!" And then fell back asleep. I slept with the pregnancy test right next to my bed.
8-6-11
In the morning I asked Mark if he remembered me waking him up. He said no. Then yes. Then "That was real?! Are you sure?" I said yes. We were shocked to say the least. We had not expected it to work. We were trying not to be too excited or talk about it too much because last time we got our hopes up too soon and I lost the pregnancy and it was devastating. So this time we tried to control our expectations. I took another pregnancy test around lunchtime. It was still positive. We tried to keep our excitement under control. We were still really scared.
I told my mom. She said that she will be really excited for us and that she is not scared at all. I am so glad my mom is my cheerleader. I need someone with her faith and confidence right now.
8-7-11
I told Jessica Condon and she told her husband, Brett. They are our really good friends here and I have confided a lot in her about my infertility issues. I know that she and Brett pray for us regularly to have a baby. She tells me so. So I told her but also asked her to keep it secret. It is really, really nice to have someone here in Winston to talk to about all my appointments and hormone levels and ultrasounds. I know that if something goes wrong she will be there for me to go to. She is awesome.
8-8-11
I called the Dr.'s office today. I took another pregnancy test in the morning (they come in packs of two and I had leftover one from the last time I had to test). It was still positive! My excitement grows every single day. I am trying to control it but it is just hard when something I have wanted for so long seems to be working! I went and got my blood tested in the afternoon. I barely made it on time because today was my first day back at work. I actually had some people at work ask me how my treatments were going and if I was pregnant yet. I kind of evaded their questions. I am just not ready to tell anyone yet. We haven't even told Mark's mom and dad!
8-9-11
The results are in and everything is AWESOME. My progesterone and hCG levels are both really high and well above the safe range. I was relieved to hear about that, especially the progesterone because last time my progesterone was low at this point in my pregnancy. I really, really hope that means things are going to work this time. I am still taking my suppositories faithfully just in case, but the nurse said my levels were so high, that I probably don't need to anymore. Still. Just in case. Each day that passes makes it more and more difficult to control my expectations. I just want to be excited. I want it to work out. I want to have a sweet little child to raise up to the Lord with my husband.
A girl at work asked me point blank if I was pregnant today. She is pregnant too. Only 4 weeks further along than me. I told her I was but asked her to please not tell anyone. She is very discreet and I felt I could trust her. She has been so good about it she doesn't even smile about it in the hallway or bring it up when we are alone. But she was really excited for me and was really excited that we get to do this together. She is just a couple of years older than me. The difference is that hers was a complete surprise (on birth control) and mine was VERY planned.
8-10-11
I went and had another blood test done after work today. It wasn't really necessary but they said if it would make me feel better that I could go ahead and have it done. So I went ahead and had it done. I just need that little bit on confirmation. I am getting to know the phlebotomist pretty well. I said I hoped that it was the last time I saw him for a while, nothing personal, but I just hoped that I would be getting good news. He said he hoped so too. I got these awesome prenatal vitamins. They are gummies. I love taking them! I love them so much I have a hard time only taking two each day!
8-11-11
I am at work right now writing this. I just got back from a meeting with the high school band, choir, and drama teachers. We were working out a schedule for our concerts in the auditorium for December and May. When we got to the point where we were scheduling for May I asked them to please not tell anyone (because for some reason I just don't want people to know. I think for me it is too early. I want to be excited and celebrate for myself for a while. It feels really special and sacred. I am also still scared that I will not be able to carry the pregnancy to term. Although, with each passing day I feel more peaceful about it. I feel like this is the time. This is really the right time for me to have my little baby) but that I was pregnant, due in April, and needed to have an earlier concert. They were all very happy for me. I asked to schedule a concert in early April. They said "When are you due?" I said April 17. They said "ARE YOU CRAZY?! You need to have that concert in March! First babies either come two weeks early or three weeks late!"
So I scheduled the concert for March. I still left my date I had originally scheduled in May. Just in case. Because even though I am more confident than ever that this is the time, I am still a little scared and doubtful.
In the middle of the meeting I got a call from the nurse with the results of the test. Awesome! Things are going exactly as they should. My hCG levels a little more than doubled in two days. Which is exactly what they are supposed to do. When I heard that I was so excited! I was probably the most excited I have been.
After the meeting I called Mark. He wants to tell his parents now. We are going to have an ultrasound a week from Friday to make sure that everything looks ok in there.
Sometimes I still feel little aches and pains in my lower abdomen and those make me nervous. But I am trying to not be nervous. I am trying to just let things be.
I'm having a baby!
(oops! I almost hit publish post! I am definitely not ready to publish this post!)
8-12-11
I have gas. Really, really painful gas. And I feel sick. But you know what? I have never been so glad to have really bad gas pains (for the third day in a row) in my life. It is one of the symptoms of early pregnancy. :) I swore that once I got pregnant I would never complain about the aches and pains that come with it. Well, I will probably complain but I will be so thankful for all the pains because they are worth it.
8-20-11
Yesterday I went in and had my very first ultrasound. There is just one developing zygote in there. Mark was relieved about that. Mostly you could just see the yolk sack but it was still really cool to realize that there is a future person growing next to that thing! I have been feeling kind of crampy and I found out that those feelings are completely normal because my ovaries are still really swollen and sensitive and I have a little bit of fluid behind my uterus from ovulation. Nothing to worry about for now. We got a picture of our little baby and now it is sitting on Mark's man drawer (a little drawer where he keeps his personal things). It is really sweet to me that he wants to keep the picture there. He is getting more excited by the day. We are still really trying to control our expectations and we don't want to tell too many people in case something happens. But we are so happy. We feel so blessed that it worked out this time. April 11th cannot come soon enough! I can't wait to go back in a week and a half and see and hear the little heartbeat. I hope everything continues to go well!
8-21-11
Today I woke up with no feelings of pregnancy. It made me scared and nervous because I want this to work out so badly. Well I follow this awesome blog of this Christian woman whose husband was in a terrible car accident where he got a traumatic brain injury and suffered a lot of physical damage as well. Her faith is incredible. She definitely has days on her blog where she posts about her sadness about the entire situation and how she would love to have her old life back. But mostly she just posts about how no matter how hard it gets she knows God and Jesus will never let her down and that they will always be with her. I know that she might not ever know or believe in this life what an inspiration she is to so many. She has almost 1000 readers on her blog. Even if the remainder of her life is taking care of her husband and she is never able to have children I wish I could tell her what an inspiration she is to thousands. Maybe her calling in life is to lift up the broken hearted. In a way she reminds me of Mother Theresa. She doesn't really get anything but she continues to have faith in God and Christ and never gives up her hope. She truly is an inspiration and I hope I get to meet her in heaven and hug her and tell her how much she strengthens me. She always posts references to biblical scriptures on her blog today she posted Isaiah 26:4:
Trust ye in the LORD forever; for in the LORD JEHOVAH is everlasting strength.
That is just what I needed to hear this morning. Here I am, having everything I want and being so scared and worried that it will not work out, when she is having to choose faith as she struggles through each day not getting anything she wants. What an example. Her calling and election must be sure. She is an incredible person.
8-27-11
I get to hear the heartbeat on Wednesday. Hopefully. I am really scared and nervous. I called the nurse about my symptoms leaving. She said it was normal for them to come and go. And she was right. They have come back and gone again and come back. It makes me feel relieved. But sometimes I get cramps and they make me feel so nervous. My overall feeling is one of peace and calm. I am just waiting for Wednesday. I am really scared and nervous because that is just about as a early as it is possible to hear or see the heartbeat so what if it is too early? What if something is wrong? I really hope it is not and that everything is going to be alright. Please come quickly Wednesday!
9-1-11
Yesterday I went to the doctor's office. I left work as soon as I could and went home to pick up Mark. We went straight to the doctor's office. We waited in the lobby for a few minutes and then we were called back. I had to undress from the waist down and put a sheet over me. It isn't anything I am not used to. I have had more vaginal ultrasounds than I can count. I was so nervous and anxious. I had been all day. I thought the day would never end. I sat quietly on the little table/chair thing they sit you on for your exam just holding Mark's hand. Mark was chatting away. It was nice that he talked to much because I really didn't have anything to say. I actually didn't hear much of what he said because I was thinking about what was about to happen. Last time we went in for one of these there was no heartbeat. Blighted Ovum. So I was just sitting on that cold table remembering last time and trying not to get my hopes up. One of the nurses came in and checked on us. She said she was going to find the doctor and light a fire under him to make him hurry up. I love the staff at that office. They are SO awesome. They are funny, kind, respectful, sensitive, and caring. Anyway, so finally the doc came in. He is really friendly and nice too. The exam started. I looked away at first because I didn't want to see that there was nothing there. But of course I looked right back over in a few seconds. And then there it was!!! The little fluttering in the image that is the heartbeat. And then he turned on the sound and we listened to it for a few seconds. It was AWESOME. He gave us a picture, referred some OBs to us. We thanked him profusely and said what a wonderful experience it had been working with his staff. It was seriously awesome. They are some of the kindest people I have ever met. The only sad thing about this whole experience is that I will have to leave their office and go to a new doctor. But I am so happy!!! Mark is really excited too. We celebrated by buying "How to Train Your Dragon" on blu-ray. We went and saw that movie in the theaters the day the bleeding started for my last pregnancy as I began to miscarry. We felt like buying it would sort of be coming full circle. We also bought Moses a new toy and got some Naked Juice. We started talking about names and we even felt confident enough to go and look at the baby section in Wal-Mart. It was fantastic. Anyway. I am at work so I had better go and get to my planning but I wanted to write it all down. It still feels unreal and I am still really nervous about a miscarriage. I think I will wait about another month before I tell everyone. It is fun to have a little secret!
9-6-11
I think about being pregnant all the time. I don't feel particularly pregnant. I wonder if everything is okay. I wonder what my life will be like in a year. I hope with all my heart that in April I will get to deliver a healthy child that I will get to raise in this life. I know from experience that life never works out quite how you think it will. Hard times come. Trials are put in your path so you can learn to trust Heavenly Father. But I think about this pregnancy. All the time. Please work out. Please.
9-16-11
I had my first visit with an obstetrician on Wednesday. (Today is Friday). They don't keep you at the reproductive endocrinology office past 8 weeks if your pregnancy is healthy at that point and looking great. Which mine is. So far so good. So they transferred my records back to my OB. And I had my first visit. I went in and had my blood drawn and answered a lot of questions about my medical history and that of my family. They also wanted to hear the heart beat.
Well, the doctor came in and used the same machine that I had used on me in my first pregnancy that could not find the heartbeat. When there was no heartbeat my heart sank just a little. I was nervous because the only time I had ever had that thing used on me had been unsuccessful as well and then I miscarried. I had told myself before I went in that if they couldn't find a heartbeat with that thing I would demand and ultrasound. Well, that wasn't even necessary. The doctor turned off the machine and said "Well, it is probably just too early to hear it with this thing. Let's get you in for an ultrasound." He offered it before I even asked! I was so relieved. I asked him if it would be long before I could come back for the ultrasound. He said "No! Of course not! We'll just go over into the other room and do it right now. We are not going to send you away empty handed on your first visit!" Isn't that awesome? He is a very friendly doctor. So we went into the next room, he did a quick ultrasound and said "Ah! There it is! 180 beats per minute. Perfect! Congratulations." I was so relieved to hear its little heart beating I almost started crying right there on the table. He printed off some pictures for me, said he would see me in a month, and that was it.
I am so excited! We told all of Mark's brothers and sisters yesterday. They are all really excited for us. They have been praying for us and fasting for us for years. They are a wonderful family to have. They are so supportive and loving. I am so glad to be a part of that family.
Anyway, I had better get going but I am so excited. I can't wait for these next three weeks to pass because then I will announce it to everyone :) I am due April 14. Perfect timing. Right at the end of the school year and right after Mark takes Step 1 of the medical board exam.
9-17-11
I had the most awesome realization yesterday. For some reason I thought that this Monday I would be only 10 weeks along and that I would have 3 more weeks in the first trimester. I do not know how I got a week off, I have been so meticulous about my calculations. But I will be 11 weeks on Monday. 10 weeks is essentially past. 10 weeks is where I miscarried last time. I have passed that mark. I have passed it and I am still pregnant. In fact, I heart the heartbeat in the middle of the 10th week and everything was fine that day. I am so relieved. I just want to cry.
I am so excited. I want to share my news now. I am ready for people to know. I am also a little nervous and scared. I am bringing a person into this world. I am bringing a person who will have his or her own agency. Who will have his or her own life. Who will make choices and have experiences different from my own. It is really humbling. And frightening. But I am going to love this person. I hope that I love this person as much as my mother and father loved me. I love my parents so much. I know what it is to be loved by a parent. I do not know what it is to love like a parent. I hope that I can give my child the best start in life that I possibly can. I want this child to know that their life is probably not going to be easy, but I will be here for this child. I will be here to guide and direct the child the best that I can. I will be here to help the child get on his or her feet when they fall down. I will be here to love the child when no one else seems to. How humbling. I hope I can live up to the expectations of the child, my Heavenly Father, and myself.
9-20-11
I am 11 weeks and 1 day but I have been having some funny twinges and cramping. It is very scary. I have already told a lot of people. I have told a handful of people at work, a handful of people at church, Mark's entire family, and my entire family. I don't want to have to un-tell them. I want to be a mother. I want this to work out. I have been counting on it now for a couple of months. I am just feeling nervous and scared and stressed and tired today. Will that make me a bad mother?
9-28-11
I don't know how to tell how many weeks I am. I thought I was 12 but now I think I am only 11. I wish the first trimester would just end. I told all my colleagues yesterday in a meeting and now several of my students know. I wish they didn't. I mean, I am glad I told them but when I told them I thought I was a week further on than I am. I still have three weeks left in this trimester. I was right in my calculations the first time. I still have three weeks left and not one. I want for these next three weeks to just fly by. 11 is much scarier to me than 12 for some reason. And 12 is much scarier than 13. I think when I get to a true 14 week pregnancy I will be feeling awesome. Now that so many people know I am just scared to miscarry. I am so scared in fact that I am already thinking of ways that I can tell my students. I would tell them I just had the baby too early and that the baby passed away because it was born too soon. I would e-mail all my friends and colleagues. And I would blog and facebook about it for everyone else. I do not know why I sabotage myself with these thoughts. I just don't want to have another miscarriage. I don't want to explain things to people. I just want to deliver a healthy child it 6 1/2 months. Mostly I feel peaceful about it in my heart when I pray. But I hope things continue in a positive way during this pregnancy. I have had lots of smiles and congratulations. I wish I could enjoy them more. I wish I could just take them and be happy and not so scared.
10-13-11
I had my second prenatal visit with my OB/GYN today. It went really well. I got to hear my baby's heart beating again. This time it was strong enough to hear with the doppler device instead of having to use an ultrasound. It was so sweet to hear its little heart beating. The longer I am pregnant the less worried I am about having a miscarriage. I think I am finally going to start enjoying it. I am already 1/3 of the way done with this pregnancy. Time has absolutely flown by! If this is how it is going to be for the rest of the time and then while I am raising my child I am just going to treasure these moments. I can't believe I am bringing a person into this world. It will have its own personality and wants and needs. It will have its own joys and sorrows. It is going to grow up and live in this world, just like I did and am doing. It is almost unfathomable to me. I just can't believe it. What will it be like? What kind of parent am I going to be? Am I going to make the right decisions? I'll admit I am scared. Being a parent is a lifetime commitment. I will be a mother for the rest of my life. I will get to take care of this person for the rest of my life. I hope that I do a good job. I hope that I can give this little person as wonderful a chance as my parents gave to me. And I hope this little person will love me too. I hope that this little person will stay close to family and God and make right choices. I hope that love will be strong and mutual and that we will grow in love and understanding as the years pass. You know, I am more afraid of having a wayward child than having a handicapped child. But fear is not from Heavenly Father and it is the opposite of faith. I know Heavenly Father will help me to do my very best and then I have to remember that my child has a will of his or her own and he or she will have to use that God given agency to make their own decisions.
But I digress. Today I heard my baby's heartbeat. And it was beautiful. I can't wait until I feel my baby moving around.
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Start of the Year Blessing
Mark just gave me a blessing. He talked a lot about love in that blessing. Before he gave me the blessing I prayed the most sincere prayer unto the Lord that I have prayed in a long time. I felt like I was being totally honest with Him. I asked him to help me love my students as my own children. I asked him to help me be prepared and to work hard. I asked him to bless me that my pregnancy will be successful and result in a family for Mark and I. Then Mark gave me a blessing. He blessed me to love my students and those that I serve even if I don't always understand them or even if they are frustrating. He blessed me that I would understand them and where they are coming from in their lives. He told me to remember how many people love me and that if I get frustrated or upset to remember that I can always count on them for advice and help. He blessed me that I would be able to bear my anxieties and frustrations easily this year. He told me in my blessing that the Lord has been aware of me and has been watching me with all the children in my life this last year and that he has seen the great love I have had for them. I felt in my heart as he prayed that maybe the Lord had been testing me this year with so many children to see how I would react to them. I feel like I passed! Mark said I had been put in positions of trust with all those people and children and that the Lord knew how much I loved them and that he has been preparing me for motherhood. That is all he said about that. It was a really beautiful blessing. I really feel ready to go back to school now. In my prayer I asked the Lord to help me be able to help them be better people. I asked the Lord to help me be a role model to the children. I asked the Lord to help me help them be better musicians and that I could be a positive influence in their lives. I asked him to help me remember why I chose to teach. In my apprehension for the upcoming school year I think I forgot how much I love people and how much I love my colleagues and students. It is going to be a great year. I think it will be a hard year. Maybe harder than last year. But I am determined to love a lot and learn a lot no matter what and not let anything get me down. I was made for this job and the Lord has led me to it.
Saturday, August 6, 2011
Another Failed Cycle
The worst part about these failed cycles is that they are a little painful. Maybe that is something I should mention to my doctor. Maybe it is a reason things keep failing. They are also emotionally painful. I have to move through the grief cycle every time I have a failed fertility cycle. Too many cycles.
At least Moses brings me comfort. He just came and sat down on my lap. I love my cat.
At least Moses brings me comfort. He just came and sat down on my lap. I love my cat.
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