Lemons

"The story of Joseph, the son of Jacob who was called Israel, is a vivid representation of the great truth that “all things work together for good to [those] who” love God. (See Rom. 8:28.) Joseph always seemed to do the right thing; but still, more importantly, he did it for the right reason. And how very, very significant that is! Joseph was sold by his own brothers as a slave and was purchased by Potiphar, a captain of the guard of Pharaoh. But even as an indentured servant, Joseph turned every experience and all circumstances, no matter how trying, into something good.

This ability to turn everything into something good appears to be a godly characteristic. Our Heavenly Father always seems able to do this. Everything, no matter how dire, becomes a victory to the Lord. Joseph, although a slave and wholly undeserving of this fate, nevertheless remained faithful to the Lord and continued to live the commandments and made something very good of his degrading circumstances. People like this cannot be defeated, because they will not give up. They have the correct, positive attitude, and Dale Carnegie’s expression seems to apply: If you feel you have a lemon, you can either complain about how sour it is, or you can make a lemonade. It is all up to you."

Hartman Rector, Jr. "Live Above the Law to be Free." Ensign, 1973

Have you ever Googled the word lemon and looked at the pictures? Here are a few:

Lemonade

Why I feel anxious:

1. Embarrassed about my behavior at the Condon's
2. Scared for school to start
3. Missing home
4. Feeling embarrassed about embarrassing Mark
5. Feeling like I won't be good friends with the Condon's
6. Wondering how I will get everything done for school
7. Disappointed with my weight
8. Embarrassed about credit card problems
9. I am sleepy
10. Infertility

I thought writing it down would help some. I think it did help just a little bit. I guess maybe I am just feeling a little bit lonely for a good couple that we can be friends with. Mark and I get along so well but it is sometimes hard to find a couple that we get along equally well with. Am I too overbearing in my friendships? Am I socially awkward? It feels funny to be writing this as these were the same concerns I had when I was 13. I read my old middle school journal today. I think I am just over thinking things a bit. It matters most what God thinks of me. Then my husband. I am a good person. I have a good career ahead of me. I am feeling particularly sad about my infertility today. I am also feeling conflicted. I think I am feeling my infertility keenly today because I am about to start my job in earnest when my students arrive. I would not have to be doing this if I were still having my baby. I hid all my pregnant facebook friends but I still can't stop thinking about it today. Sad day for me. I am feeling conflicted because I want to get pregnant so badly but I also want to keep teaching for a long time. Now that I am starting my career I don't think I'll want to stop. But. I want to be a mother. But I don't know when that will happen. And I feel badly about it. I just want to be a mother. But I think I will love being a teacher. Teachers matter. I am going to try and matter to my students. I think I am really going to love them. That might be all the parenting I get to do. Goodness. Even after all this writing I still feel really anxious. Now what? I think I am going to try and read my scriptures and then go to bed. Sometimes that helps too.

Homesick

I have been really homesick here in North Carolina. I have anxiety. I am sad. My heart just aches to go back to the wide west with its big mountains, bigger skies, and lots and lots of exposed rock. I miss BYU. I miss my family. I miss my friends. I miss seeing a temple every single day.

I have been thinking a lot about my pioneer ancestors who made a trek opposite to my own. I wonder what it was like for them.

Were they like my dad? My dad left the east to settle in the west and he never looked back. He loved living in the west and always extolled its virtues. He told me I could choose to be happy no matter where I lived.

Or were they like me? Anxious. Scared. Uncomfortable. Wishing they were back in familiar territory...

There are so many things I have to adjust to. The most difficult thing by far has been the climate. That was a surprise to me. I did not think it would take that much adjustment. I do not like bugs. I feel like my kitchen is a war zone: me vs. the cockroaches. I think I am winning. I do not like humidity. I do not like all the trees everywhere. There are just lots of things to adjust to.

I love my ward family. They are the people who are making this transition possible for me. I can't complain about them in any way, shape or form. They are loving and kind and have opened their hearts and arms to us. When I leave this place I know I will miss them terribly.

I love the gospel. That is the same no matter where I am. The words of the Book of Mormon, Bible, Doctrine and Covenants, and Pearl of Great Price do not change no matter how far away I am from home. God's awareness and love for me do not change no matter how far away I am from home.

Now that I have all of that out in the open I think I need to try harder to focus on the positive. I try not to think about how homesick I am but sometimes I just can't help it. But I am going to try to help it. Because this is home for me now and it is time to start making it feel that way.

Going Private

Hello dear family and friends!

Well I have started school. No students yet but lots and lots of meetings and training. After some consideration I have decided to make my blog private. I am going to be teaching middle school and while I do not mind sharing my personal thoughts and feelings about life with strangers, I do mind sharing my personal thoughts and feelings about life with my students. They just do not need to know too much about my personal life. So. I am going to go ahead and make my blog private. It will happen in two weeks. If you would like to continue reading my blog please leave me your e-mail address in a comment. I have made it so only I'll see the comments. I look forward to getting your message!

DisGUSTing

Ugh. I clean with bleach every single day. EVERY DAY. In both my bathroom and my kitchen. I pour it down the drains every night. I set out cockroach traps. I have sprayed perimeter of my house inside and out. WHY do I get these little (or HUGE) visitors in my house!




I think maybe it is time to call pest control. I hate bugs. I really do. If there is a reason I will NEVER settle in the south it will be because of these bad boys. Never say never right?

Part of the problem is that we live in a VERY old house (1927) in a VERY old neighborhood (called the Ardmore Historic District). There are cracks in my cupboards large enough for me to put my hand through and since we don't own the property there is not a whole lot we can do. In our contract it says "Pest Control" is up to us but that we take the house "as is" meaning we can't do any construction on it.

*sigh* I guess I'll just have to call out the professionals and until then keep cleaning...

The Minority

I have never lived in a place where I was not in the religious majority. I have

I don't have to be perfect. I don't have to be a perfect teacher or a perfect wife or a perfect daughter. At least not in the way perfect is usually meant and how I usually think about it. God commands me to be perfect in the scriptures. But what he means is whole and complete. Does that mean that I can never make a mistake? No. Is being a perfect teacher who makes no mistakes and who everybody loves going to make me a whole and complete person? No. What makes me a whole and complete person is living a full and happy life. What makes me whole is my faith in Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. What makes me whole is loving other people and being loved by other people. What makes me whole is trying my best. What makes me whole is knowing that I don't have to be "perfect."