Why I feel anxious:

1. Embarrassed about my behavior at the Condon's
2. Scared for school to start
3. Missing home
4. Feeling embarrassed about embarrassing Mark
5. Feeling like I won't be good friends with the Condon's
6. Wondering how I will get everything done for school
7. Disappointed with my weight
8. Embarrassed about credit card problems
9. I am sleepy
10. Infertility

I thought writing it down would help some. I think it did help just a little bit. I guess maybe I am just feeling a little bit lonely for a good couple that we can be friends with. Mark and I get along so well but it is sometimes hard to find a couple that we get along equally well with. Am I too overbearing in my friendships? Am I socially awkward? It feels funny to be writing this as these were the same concerns I had when I was 13. I read my old middle school journal today. I think I am just over thinking things a bit. It matters most what God thinks of me. Then my husband. I am a good person. I have a good career ahead of me. I am feeling particularly sad about my infertility today. I am also feeling conflicted. I think I am feeling my infertility keenly today because I am about to start my job in earnest when my students arrive. I would not have to be doing this if I were still having my baby. I hid all my pregnant facebook friends but I still can't stop thinking about it today. Sad day for me. I am feeling conflicted because I want to get pregnant so badly but I also want to keep teaching for a long time. Now that I am starting my career I don't think I'll want to stop. But. I want to be a mother. But I don't know when that will happen. And I feel badly about it. I just want to be a mother. But I think I will love being a teacher. Teachers matter. I am going to try and matter to my students. I think I am really going to love them. That might be all the parenting I get to do. Goodness. Even after all this writing I still feel really anxious. Now what? I think I am going to try and read my scriptures and then go to bed. Sometimes that helps too.