My life is SO awesome. I have the most beautiful son. I have the most attentive and caring husband. My home is beautiful and comfortable. I more than enough to eat. We have enough resources to live comfortably and have little luxuries here and there. My husband is doing really well in school. I have wonderful friends who care about me and spend time with me.
However, I have been taking fluoxetine since Austin was three weeks old. For those of you who don't know what that is you may be more familiar with the brand name: Prozac. I have been on an anti-depressant for postpartum depression. I have been SO happy lately and Austin is mostly sleeping through the night. He may get up once at 4:00 or 4:30 to eat but when his dad has to be at work by 6:00 it is perfect timing for me to make Mark's lunch and for Mark to have some time with Austin. Anyway, needless to say I felt ready to start weaning myself off the prozac because I have just been so happy lately.
So a just over a week ago I started taking my medicine only every other day instead of every day. And for the last 5 days or so I have had the following symptoms: anxiety, inability to connect with Mark and others around me, insomnia, restless sleep, bad dreams, thoughts such as "I am worthless. I am a bad wife. I am a bad mother," and low self-esteem. In other words, depression.
I was awake last night at about 3:00 just because I couldn't sleep. I had been having terrible dreams (for the fifth night in a row) and was actually relieved to be awake. As I sat up thinking about what in the world was wrong with me everything I just listed above hit me like a ton of bricks. All the things I had been thinking and feeling came to me at once and I realized that I still have depression. I am not ready to be off my medication yet!
I so want to be. And I wish I was. But I am not ready (obviously). And it is okay for me to not be ready. I am still nursing and Austin is just over two months old. If I was ready to be off the anti-depressant it would basically be a miracle. Most women who have PPD have to have treatment for at least six months to a year I found out. So there you go.
I actually feel a sense of relief because I finally know what is wrong with me. I know that as soon as I have more fluoxetine in my system things will be okay again. And in another two months I am going to try weaning myself off it again, but for now I am not ready yet. And that is okay. If I had strep throat I would be totally okay taking medicine until I was well. And I have depression. And I am totally okay taking medicine until I am well.
4 comments:
That is more than okay. You tried and you are smart enough and know yourself well enough to know that you aren't ready yet. I sure love you. Thanks for posting this. You are so strong to admit something is wrong and to take care of it. I admire your strength.
Good for you. I wish your blog was public so more women could have access to your valuable thoughts. I was on medication for depression for several years. I had to change kinds 2 or 3 times, and also had a couple of breaks, but one thing I learned is to trust the doctor when he says it is time to come off, and not try to do it myself. The absolutely most scary spell I ever had with it was when I was trying to wean off of it one time. Be super careful! I am glad that you are so open and healthy about needing it for now. You are amazing. I wish I had had your maturity when I was your age. :) (not that I'm THAT much older, right? :)
I am sure you have heard of the statistic that more women in Utah are on anti-depressants than any other state. Well, an OB from the ward that I grew up in says that one of the reasons is that in the LDS community there is such a strong support group and that women like you share that with others who are struggling and that makes others feel like they can get help for these symptoms too. I hope you feel better soon!!! Please give that cute baby a hug for me and tell him that he has some friends in Houston that want to meet him someday!
Thank GOODNESS you recognized it though. My sister had it really bad and would REFUSE to take anything. We begged and begged but she saw it as a sign of weakness and not a temporary sickness due to hormones/chemicals regulating in her body. I'm so glad you at least saw the difference and realized that it's okay.
Love ya
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