Private thoughts on a bad day.

I'm depressed. It comes and goes. Mostly it goes so that is a good thing. But today it has come. And yesterday it came. I hope it goes tomorrow. I am trying to pin down exactly what it is that triggers me into depression.

There are lots of bad things I do when I am depressed. I take out my frustration on my innocent husband. I eat too much. It is hard for me to pick up my baby when he cries (although I can usually make myself do it.) It is an awful feeling. I hate it.

What is it that is causing me to feel this way?!? I am so done with these feelings but I can't simply think them away.

You know-- depression is a funny thing. It makes you want to go back to a time when you were not depressed and live in that time. I miss my job today something fierce. I miss my students. I miss my coworkers. I miss my job. But I would miss my baby more, so there is really no competition. But the joy of my baby doesn't quite make the sorrow I felt leaving my job go 100% away.

Today I feel fat, hairy, undesirable to my husband, lazy, and like a bad mother. I am not fat. I am hairy. I don't think I am undesirable to my husband. I am not lazy and I do the best I can at motherhood. So if my mind knows I am none of those things then why does my heart not follow suit?

I think one of the triggers was going to a friend's wedding this weekend. The wedding was lovely in every way. I was so delighted to witness it. However-- I mostly went to spend time with my roommates and I hardly got to see them at all. Two of them are now sisters-in-law and cousins to the roommate who got married. So those two stayed at their house and I wasn't ever invited to spend time with them. I was stuck at the married girl's house with a few people I didn't even know and I ended up toting them around to various wedding events. When we got anywhere they would pop out of the car and run into wherever we were going and I got no help with Austin. Then they would wonder where I was!! I was taking my kid out of the car!! I felt so useless. I felt disappointed that I didn't get to spend more time with my roommates. I felt tired. I felt sick (because I had a cold.)

It just wasn't that great of a trip for me. And I have less and less in common with my old roommates. Time marches ever onward. I think the feeling of uselessness simply came home with me and I feel useless here. And because I am depressed (and still sick) I don't feel like showering or making myself look beautiful. It is also unbearably hot here so it is hard for me to want to ever get dressed because I get so hot in my clothes and it is difficult to nurse my son in them. *sigh* So those are the reasons I think I am depressed. I am sort of in a glass half empty sort of mind when I am usually in a glass half-full sort of mind. Tomorrow I am going to do four things to get me out of my funk. If I can do more, kudos to me, but I want to at least get these four things done:

• Make the bed.
• Exercise.
• Get dressed and ready for the day.
• Make strawberry freezer jam. 
• Empty the diaper pail.

Okay. That is five. But the diaper pail is desperate :)