In Loving Memory

Three years ago today (at almost this exact hour actually) I was flying in from Salt Lake City to Phoenix. My mom had told me the day before that she needed help and that she couldn't take care of my dad by herself anymore. So I hopped on a plane, forgot about my classes, and came to Arizona to help her. I flew in, my Aunt Laura picked me up and drove me to Snowflake, and I spent most of the day holding my dad's hand and reading to him. He wasn't coherent. In fact, I never again saw him that way. That night at about 8:00 PM as I was holding his hand he took his last two breaths and passed away.

Three years. Some people have said "Wow! Three years! It has gone by so fast! I can't believe it has been three years!" I know they mean well and don't mean to be insensitive but it hurts when they say it. It has definitely felt like three years to me. It hasn't gone by fast. I have felt his absence almost every day of these last three years. I cannot tell you how many times I have thought "Oh, if only my dad were here!" or "I wish my dad were here to see this!" or "I wonder what my dad would say/do?" or "I bet my dad would be so proud!" or "If dad were here things would be different" or "My dad would have loved this" or "I wish I could share this with my dad."

I miss my dad. I miss him more than words can express. And it has been a long and sad three years without him. So many joyful things have happened in my life. I don't want to give the impression that my life has been misery since his passing. It hasn't! I have had wonderful life experiences. But I know they would be that much more wonderful if he were around.

I am still on vacation in AZ. On Tuesday I went for a jog while my mom stayed with my sleeping baby. I jogged to my dad's grave and sat leaning against his headstone as I looked at the temple. I wanted to feel sad but the day was beautiful, the sun was shining, there was a slight breeze and I couldn't help but feel peace as I watched the clouds go by and looked toward the temple. I am so glad families are an eternal unit and that I will see my dad again someday.

As I sat in the cemetery I thought of my dad and I thought of all the ways I am like him. It sounds cheesy to say that your ancestors live forever in you but they do. There are so many things I like about myself that I can trace right back to my dad-- so many qualities we share. So I know he not only lives forever as a spirit son of God but he also lives forever in my memory as the best sort of person and the best sort of father there ever was. I am so proud to be his daughter. I am so blessed that I got to be part of his life and that he was a part of mine (however briefly).

Sometimes I look at the dusty little town of Snowflake, AZ and think I could never live here again. And then I remember my dad and how proud he was of that tiny town and how he put his heart and soul into making the community better and I feel proud of it. And I feel proud of him. I want to be like that. I want to be the sort of person that gives 100% of myself to whatever I choose to pursue. I want to make the place around me better for me having been there, just like my dad did. I want to be as generous with my time and resources as my dad. I want to be as outgoing as my dad. I want to be as good of a parent as my dad was. I want to be as repentant and humble as my dad became. I want to create lasting memories with my children like my dad did for me. I want to be just like my dad.

I miss him. In three years the feeling of me missing my dad hasn't changed a bit. I thought it might. I thought I might miss him less as time went on. But three years down the road I still miss him the exact same. I am not sure it will ever change.

So today through my tears and sadness I feel hope and faith and gratitude for my father and my Savior, Jesus Christ who made it possible for me to see my dad again. I miss my dad and it is good to pause and reflect and remember. But now it is time again to move forward through another year.

I am going to honor my dad's memory by living my life in such a way that he would be proud. I am going to serve others around me. I am going to be the best parent I can to my son. I am going to live so that I will be worthy to see my dad again in heaven.