Mixed Feelings

I am surprised I didn't publish this post. I am so glad I wrote this when I did and I am happy to say that being a SAHM has been an absolute delight for me. That being said there is still a part of my heart in Reidsville. I should be going back to work in a week and a half and I am not. I have still been having strange and sad dreams about it and yearnings to teach.

But living with, taking care of, and loving Austin is an absolute joy that I would not trade for anything in the world. Really. I wouldn't trade it for anything.


April 12, 2012

Tomorrow is my last day of working as an employee for a long time. Years probably. I have held down a job since my freshman year of college with no breaks (except for student teaching). Before that I worked every summer beginning at age 16. I know motherhood is work. Hard work. And it is a job. A hard job. But it is a new job. And frankly I am feeling... anxious. Inadequate. Excited. Nervous. Happy.

Sad...

Why sad? Because I love my job. Being a teacher (and a teacher at RMS) is so awesome. I LOVE my students. I LOVE my coworkers. I LOVE my administration. I have made so many beautiful memories and so many wonderful friends.

It is just past midnight here in NC and I can't sleep because tomorrow is my last day of work for a while. And I am so sad to leave my job. I didn't think I would be. Before I got pregnant I used to judge whether or not I had a good day at work by whether or not I wanted to get pregnant and have the choice to leave my job. Silly right? Yes. Very.

I am scared to leave the stability of my salary and benefits. I am sad to leave my friends and students. I am sad to leave the life I have grown to love so much. I will miss the regularity and scheduled lifestyle of being a teacher. I will miss the companionship of my coworkers. I will miss the challenge of helping my students become so much more than they thought they could be. I will just miss it.

I will probably cry myself home tomorrow.

I know being a mother will be rewarding too. Probably more rewarding even than being a teacher. But tonight I am mourning the loss of the life I have loved as a teacher and feeling so much gratitude in my heart for a Heavenly Father who blessed me with the best job ever while I waited to become a mother.

So if I love my job so much why don't I just keep working and be a mom and a teacher? Because after a lot of thought and a lot of prayer I know deep in my heart that I am making the right decision to stay home and raise my own child. I know it. I have asked Heavenly Father to confirm it to me multiple times and he has. I truly believe I am making the best decision/sacrifice for my family.

For me it really does feel like a sacrifice too. I am sacrificing my career (for the time being) to support my husband in his and to be a mother. I hate thinking of it this way and saying it this way but I kind of feel like I am taking a back seat to my husband and children. I have to admit that I feel jealous of Mark. I feel jealous that he will get to go out every day and further his career and create professional relationships with colleagues and constantly build his mind and abilities outside of the home. Because I know what that is like. I have done it for the last two years. It is hard work but it is so rewarding and you get lots of pats on the back for it and the feedback is immediate. From what I understand motherhood is not exactly like that.

I have asked myself a thousand times, "What do SAHMs do all day?" Not in a derogatory way or a way that suggests that a working woman is more valuable to society. But in a honest, open way because I just. don't. know. My mom worked. My grandmother worked. I have no memory of a mom who stayed home. I don't know what they do. I don't know how they do it. I guess I'll figure it out right?

I want to keep my mind and abilities sharp but I don't know how to do that. I want to maintain interest in other things and develop skills but I don't know how to do that. School and music performance is what I have truly loved and been good at my entire life. But that is largely going to be over now. So now what?

As you can see I am a mixed bag of emotions tonight.

But more than all of this I look at my swollen belly and think of my little Austin in there and I imagine what it is going to be like to hold him in just a few more days and I think "Man. This is totally worth it. He is totally worth it." So even though I am sad and scared and confused I am also so humbled and excited and happy! I can't wait to hold this little person and show him how to be a good person and help him become the best person he can be. I love you already my dearest Austin and I can't wait for your arrival.