Who knew empty arms could be so heavy? I really felt it for the first time today in church watching all my sisters-in-law with their beautiful children. My arms actually felt heavy, like I couldn't lift them from my sides. They just hurt for a baby of my own.
It has been family reunion week. My family-in-law has been so sensitive about my infertility. They let me hold their babies and rock their babies to sleep. They do not talk about parenthood or pregnancy around me. They did one time and so I excused myself to go and read, and then one of them came and apologized to me. Even though that was not necessary, I very much appreciated their love and concern. They really are the best family I could have ever asked for.
And even though I got to hold and play with my beautiful nieces and nephews, it is just not quite the same. Because at the end of the day every child wants their mother, not an aunt/sister.
I am going to start more infertility treatment in September. Here's hoping...
3 comments:
I'm hoping for you. And I'm really glad your family-in-law was so sensitive and sweet this week. I hope that helped a little, even though just being around so many mothers can be hard at times. It's hard for me even here. I still am faced with pregnancies and babies around me but oh well, such is life right? Good luck on your move! I love you!
So sorry. I meant to call you and forgot. Bad friend. But I will go call you... right now!!
You were amazing, Amanda. I can relate, even though I feel bad even saying that because I can't REALLY relate, but the summer after Benjamin died I actually refused to go to my inlaws' reunion because I couldn't stand the thought of all those babies there. Everyone would be holding them and nursing and talking about how cute they were, and mine was in the ground. I just couldn't do it. Now I kind of wish I had tried harder to be stronger--I still haven't even seen a lot of that family because of not making it to reunions since for other reasons out of our control.
I am glad you and Mark had your own private space to retreat to. I worried the whole time about you, but figured you would go there when you needed to. Ouch.
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