Life Unscripted : Time for Some Honesty

I need to ~~recommit,~~ ~~reassess~~, think about some things in my life that are making me unhappy. I pinned this article on pinterest a while ago and right after I did I actually started practicing some of the principles it teaches. And I was happy.

Then I sort of let one thing slip (bed making). Then another (calling a friend or family member each day). Then another (setting an intention for each day). Then my sister died. And since then it has all gone up in smoke. Now all I do is have sentimental items displayed because they are part of my decoration and I have at least managed to keep reading my scriptures and saying my prayers at least 6 out of 7 nights in a week. Usually I am 7 for 7 but sometimes I slip. I think if I had let that go I might have spiraled into an even worse depression than I am already in.

Because I have to face the music. I am depressed and here is how I know:

I eat. All day. Anything sweet. Anything fatty. Multiple times a day. And guess what? I am almost 15 pounds heavier than the top of the healthy weight range for someone my height. That isn't terrible. And I am not obsessed with my weight. But I have to be honest. I feel bad about myself. I feel embarrassed. My clothes don't fit. I don't want to go out and buy clothes that do fit because I have no money and because... well... I'm embarrassed by my weight. There I said it. I have a great desire to get it under control but that is all. And we all know where the road paved with good intentions leads.

I am spending money like I think I have it. And I don't. And it is going to get me into trouble if I can't get a handle on my emotions and feelings. It is like eating and shopping make me momentarily feel great and then the feeling fades and I feel terrible. So I want to do it some and then I feel great and then terrible and then great and then terrible. It is a vicious cycle.

I don't want to do anything. I don't want to clean. I don't want to cook. I don't want to quilt. I don't want to shower. I don't want to go to the gym. I don't want to go to church. I don't want to go out. I don't want to do anything at all. I am not so depressed that I don't do anything. But I have to force myself to do it. Some might say "Well if you can do it at all then you're not really depressed. Or at least not as depressed as me." But is it really a competition? I feel horrible. Isn't that enough? I have to force myself to do the dishes (which is why I only did them once this week.) I have to force myself to shower. I have to force myself to pick up my house. And when I don't I feel terrible when Mark comes home because I feel like I have done nothing all day and I find myself trying to think of what I did do all day to justify the house/myself/Austin all being in the state we are in.

I am socially disinclined to do anything. Things that people say or ask about that normally wouldn't bother me drive me crazy or really hurt my feelings. So then I feel mean thoughts and then I feel bad and it is just a terrible, nasty feeling that continues to spiral downward.

My ray of light in all this anxiety and fear is Austin. Oh how I love my child. The one thing I do want to do is get down on the floor and play with him. I want to read to him. I want to rock him. I want to hold him. I want to kiss him. I want to love on him all day long. Because he doesn't say anything hurtful. He doesn't look at me and think "Geeze mom, why aren't the dishes done?" At this point all he does is love me and need me and want me to play with him too. And I love that. I LOVE THAT.

Okay. That is it. That is enough. I said it all. I got it out. Now it is time to take it in hand and deal with it and get things done.

But how? How am I going to do it? I'll make a list. I will make a list of my goals this week. A daily schedule if you will. I am going to set 5 goals for each day.

Sunday: