"It's official... I have a diamond."

Yep. Those were the words in a text message email I got from my mom today. She always means to send a text to me and always ends up sending me an email. I didn't actually see the message until after she called.

I said "Hello?" and she said "It's official. I have a diamond."

Same message. I got it twice. I never in my entire life thought I would be congratulating my own mother on her engagement. Weird.

I'm happy for her. Really. I am happy. I would have been sadder if things had not worked out to tell you the truth. She is lonely. She needs someone in her life to confide in and take care of her and the guy she has chosen seems to fit the bill. I'm glad he will be there for her.

Actually, to tell you the truth I don't feel much of anything. The emptiness I have felt since the death of my sister is still painfully present in my life. And my mom getting engaged kind of exacerbated that tonight. Because guess who I wanted to call and gossip about my mom getting engaged with? You guessed it: Liz. I wanted to call her and tell her exactly how I feel about it. I wanted to laugh with her and joke with her and commiserate with her and plan how we were going to get through the next long while with a step-father with her. But I can't. Because she is gone. She is with my real father. Oh how I miss them so.

Mom is getting married in the spring. Those are just words to me. My life will go on. Her life will go on. And they will be mostly separate as they have been since I left home 7.5 years ago.

I miss my dad. I miss my sister. I am sick. I am exhausted of traveling (with one more cross country trip to go.)

I just feel drained: emotionally, physically, and mentally. I have no desire or energy to feel anything. Right now I am mostly getting through my days one at a time.

2011 was a fantastic year for me. It was fun. It was exciting. It was a year full of hope and happiness. I thought 2012 would be the best year of my life because I was going to deliver my baby in 2012 and things were just going to be great. That was definitely one of the happiest moments in my life, no question. But 2012 ranks right up there with 2009 (year my dad died) as one of the most difficult years of my life.

Being a parent is one of the hardest things I have ever done. I had serious postpartum depression and had to be medicated for it. Adjusting to being a stay-at-home mom has been incredibly difficult for me (though absolutely worth it! I wouldn't trade being home with Austin for anything on earth or in heaven.) I miss my students and my coworkers. I miss my job. I have traveled across the country 5 times in the last 4 months. My sister is dead from childbirth. I am worried about the well-being of my family in Utah. And finally: my mom is engaged to a man who is not my father.

*sigh* 2012 has definitely been a year of growth. It is one of those make you or break you years. But you know what? God has been good to me. I have so much to be thankful for. Today we made our thankful advent chains. We write down 25 things we are grateful for on the Monday after Thanksgiving, make a little paper chain out of them, hang them with our stockings, and then re-read them each day leading up to Christmas. I have never been able to write down so many so fast. I was done in 10 minutes and when I was done I just kept going on verbally to Mark about specific things I was thankful for.

Why is it that during the hard times there seem to be more things to be thankful for? I think it is all about perspective.

P.S. One of the links in my thankful chain says "I am thankful for a mother who loved me, was patient with me, gave me advice, and sang me lullabies." Love you mom. Congratulations from the bottom of my heart.