You know, everyone handles grief differently. I sort of wish I was the kind of person who worked out like a maniac to get out all of my pent up anger and grief out. Unfortunately I am the sort of person who... well... eats. And I mean really eats.
When I am depressed I eat and eat and eat and don't go to the gym at all.
Since my sister died I have been more depressed, anxious, and worried than I have ever been in the course of my life. And so I have been eating. And eating. And eating. And... well you get the picture.
I gained 4.8 pounds in two weeks. Normally I round out my numbers but I just couldn't bring myself to put 5 when it was only 4.8.
I feel it in my face, on my back, and around my waist. It is not a very nice feeling. My clothes don't fit. I don't feel good about myself. So I get more depressed. And I eat some more. And my self talk is "Well, you better eat all you want today because you need to start your diet tomorrow." Seriously. I say that to myself every single day. And with an attitude like that I have just been gaining and gaining.
I think I am ready to stop. I guess what I am really saying is that I need to stop whether I think I am ready to or not. I can't wait for next month to start. I can't wait for next week to start. I can't even wait for tomorrow to start. I need to start right now, at 1:15 PM on Friday afternoon. I need to start with my next snack or my next meal.
So here it goes. I am going to push publish and I am going to track my calories and I am going to go to the gym tomorrow (because I don't have the car today, not because I don't want to!)
Think good thoughts for me!
3 comments:
Oh Amanda, I know how you feel!! I'm an emotional eater too, and when handling grief I don't even want real food, just junk food and lots of it. And I make the same excuses. And it's so hard to start over!! Good luck, and stay strong. You can do it!!
~April
It's okay to go through grief however you do it. You can't beat yourself up over it for sure. You ARE going through a hard thing and I can't even BEGIN to imagine. Good luck w/ everything dear friend!!! you've got this.
It is super hard. I think I've been gaining sympathy pounds with you. As soon as I heard about Liz, I just couldn't take the added stress of tracking what I eat. I was so worried about her and your family and then later, you.
Why is eating such a psychological thing? And why on earth can't I be the type that has no appetite when I'm depressed? :)
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