The usual

Today is just one of those days where I want to be a mom. The yearning comes and goes. The desire is always there. Sometimes I want it so badly it hurts. Sometimes I am at peace with waiting. Today is the former.

I am about to start on a serious regime of infertility drugs:

metformin
femara
hcg
lupron (I think... if it is not lupron it is something else injectable)

I will be taking ALL of those at once and then I will be monitored with ultrasound to check the development of the follicles. If I don't get pregnant I have to go through a whole host of new diagnostic procedures and so does Mark.

I wish that getting pregnant was not such a group effort (doctors, Mark, and me). I wish it could just be me and Mark. In the beginning infertility is embarrassing because it seems like the whole world (multiple doctors/nurses) have seen that part of me that no one should see. But then you get used to it. So when something else has to be tested you think "Hey! Why not! The whole world has been there anyway."

But you know what? The end result will (hopefully) be the same. And it feels a lot better to hope than despair. But sometimes it is harder to hope because this is the dialogue in my head:

• Am I too fat? 
• I have to loose 10-15 pounds so I won't be overweight.
• I hate dieting 
• Overweight=No pregnancy
• I am depressed! I want to eat things that are bad for me!
• Why am I even trying?
• Why am I not doing more?
• Could I be doing more?
• Is it really going to happen this month?
• No, because you are not exercising and eating right so you don't deserve it.
• Why would it? It hasn't happened yet. 
• PLEASE work PLEASE work PLEASE work
• Don't get your hopes up.
• Being depressed stinks.

Today is just one of those days where I want to be a mom so badly it hurts my heart.