We've all heard the old adage "Don't judge someone until you've walked a mile in their shoes." Mostly I've tried to live by that my whole life. My mom is one of the least judgmental people I've ever met. She has this remarkable ability to love people and just let them be what they are while still maintaining her own position on many issues both moral, social, and political. My entire life I would watch her from a distance just listen to people and give nieces and nephews "The Aunt Paula Talk." It was remarkable. I still don't know quite how she does it. It's like she can just channel God's love for everyone from Him through her to them no matter how they choose to live. Anyway. I've tried to be like that-- I have a long way to go but I like to think I do okay most of the time.
It's 2:30 AM. I'm so tired and I just want to sleep but I can't. I took a sleep aid hours ago to see if it would help. It didn't. My anxiety is through the roof right now (not sure why-- but I know the thought of chasing after a toddler on no sleep tomorrow is part of it) and my lower back is killing me. It doesn't matter if I am sitting, standing, or lying down. It is simply too painful to sleep through tonight even with tylenol. My husband and I don't sleep in the same bed right now (which is incredibly disheartening and depressing to me) because for the last few weeks I've been waking up 4, 5, 6 times a night just to turn over and then I can't get back to sleep because he is congested and snoring from seasonal allergies. So he sleeps in the spare room to try to help me out.
I'm exhausted. I'm anxious and depressed. I don't feel good. I sat up in bed after lying there for 3 hours and just started to cry and I said out loud "I just don't want to be pregnant anymore. I don't like this." And if felt good to say it out loud. It felt good to admit it. Because here is the thing-- I felt/feel guilty for feeling this way. Here is why:
It took me several years to get pregnant the first time. Watching everyone around me have children during my childless years was hard. It was embarrassing and difficult for me to sit through labor stories. I really did not like to hear anyone complain about being pregnant or having children. I would think, "I would go through all that and more if I could be a mom. You just don't know how hard it is NOT to have kids. If you did, you wouldn't be complaining." And you know what? They probably didn't. I usually politely excused myself when conversations like that came up.
But guess who didn't understand how incredibly difficult being pregnant and having kids is? That's right-- me. My first pregnancy was a breeze. Minor back pain was all the suffering I had and I relished it because I knew I was going to be a mom. This pregnancy has been SO different: morning sickness, serious back pain, insomnia. In a word it has been hard. And tonight I just don't want to do it anymore.
I DO know how difficult it is not to have children. I now know how difficult it is to be pregnant and a parent at the same time. I wrongfully judged many women who complained about their difficult pregnancies and childrearing. I had not walked a mile in their shoes. But now I've walked more than a mile. WAY more. And I'm sorry for the judgmental thoughts I had. And I am thankful and incredibly amazed by my wonderful friends who held off talking about parenting and difficult pregnancies when they knew how difficult the subject was for me. They were incredible. I don't know how they did it. I love them for it (you know who you are). Thank you.
That old adage has never felt truer than it has tonight. If you're struggling with infertility I feel for you. It is SO hard. If you're struggling with pregnancy and young children I feel for you. It is also incredibly difficult in a completely different way. Let's all embrace one another wherever we are in our life's journey and buoy each other up no matter what difficult circumstances we find ourselves in-- because you truly can't judge a person until you've walked a mile in their shoes.
4 comments:
Oh, I hope this is just a short phase of insomnia and that it passes soon! For me, not getting sleep brings on depression quicker than just about anything.
I love what you said in this post about embracing each other no matter at what point in life's journey. It made me think of something Patricia Holland said once, "I cry because I have only 3 children and want more. You cry because you have no children. And YOU cry because you have 8!" :) I love that. We all have our tough things to face and we should definitely remember to love and not judge, even if your challenge is something that I don't face.
Sure love you. And miss you!!
I so appreciate your honesty! And I do think you are one of the most least judgmental people out there. :) I also understand your frustrations completely. This pregnancy has been very different than Ivy's, with a whole lot more anxiety.. Much like you are describing. It's almost like you can't tell your mind to just shush and calm down. I get so worked up over a LOT. Not necessarily angry, but just completely anxious. Things that have helped me-a hot bubble bath (even in the middle of the night, yes I've done this, lol), a good book, chocolate, peppermint herbal tea, or just talking things out with my husband (not to fix problems, but just to vent). Anyways, hope that helps a little! and just know that you are not going to be that way forever! Blame it on hormones and know that you AREN'T crazy. haha! Oh pregnancy... totally sucks, but we all know it's worth it in the end. every time. :)
and please tell me you fell asleep right after you wrote this!!!!! You poor thing. Back pain is the WORST because it effects EVERYTHING and no-sleep effects everything else. ;)
I'm sure you've tried everything and it's probably just how the baby is positioned, but have you tried sleeping with a body pillow while on your side? The body pillow between your arms (like you're hugging it) and between your knees. Then it makes your spine straight and nothing it pulling on any of the back muscles in the night.
Also do you have a belly belt thing to support it during the day? When my back hurts at the end I notice a HUGE difference for the better on days that I wear that. I actually think Jamie Walton bought one.
Then again...........you weren't really asking for back-tips were you?!? Sorry.
I love your openness to introspection, Amanda. You are obviously a lot more like your mom than you think. :-)
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