The two week waiting period is over. And the result is... not pregnant. I am pretty disappointed. I cried my tears this morning. There is a part of me that thinks: "Well, if THAT didn't work, what will? We tried everything and made sure to do it all right. Why didn't it work?!" But it just didn't. I guess now is not the time.
Sometimes I have a hard time having faith and believing in the Lord's timing. In my lack of faith I wonder, "I am just one person and this is just a little thing. Does he even really care?" I think it is hard to have faith sometimes because I know so many people who do not have to wait at all. They say "We want a baby in this month." They stop their version of birth control and it happens for them immediately. Does God have a hand in that? Why do THEY get to choose? Why don't I get to choose? It just does not seem fair. I know fair is not the same. I don't need to be preached to about that. I preach it often enough to my students. But it is hard to watch.
Needless to say this experience does not leave me with strengthened faith. If anything it probably did the opposite. And I am having strange pains in my lower abdomen so I am afraid I might have some cysts on my ovaries. I might just have to take a break for the next cycle, either forced because of the cysts or because I just might choose it for my own mental health.
To those of you who have had us in your prayers, thank you. I guess I would ask for you to pray maybe not that we'll have a baby, but that my faith will be restored. Maybe when the disappointment is less severe I will be able to be hopeful for the next time. But at least we know. And the waiting is over and that is a positive feeling. Waiting is the worst. But we'll have to do it a little longer.
1 comment:
Amanda- I haven't commented on your blog much, mostly because I don't really know what to say, or I feel like someone else has already said it. But I want you to know that you have been such an example to me because of your faith. I understand how this has probably shaken that faith a little, and honestly, that's ok! And its normal. It happens to all of us for different reasons, and its nice to hear someone be real and not always 100% faithful and optimistic. I have faith for you, and I'm sure many other friends and family members do too. Thanks for sharing your experience- I think it has helped me be a little more understanding of those going through this sort of trial. Keep smiling, keep praying, and I hope for all the best for you. I can't wait to hear that you are finally pregnant- how joyous that will be! I look forward to the good news, whenever it happens. :)
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