My Second First Mother's Day

Mother's Day last year was kind of lame. I mean, don't get me wrong. It was AMAZING being a mother on Mother's Day. I had waited for so many years and it was such a joy to me. I was also exhausted since I had a 4 week old baby and Mark gave me an entire night's sleep by taking all the nighttime feedings. I felt like a new woman when I woke up in the morning. But besides those two things Mother's Day was kind of lame for the following reasons: Mark started his first night shift that day. So he slept all day. I had to go to church by myself. I had to spend the entire evening by myself. Some friends invited me over for dinner, which I was thankful for. But I missed Mark and I was lonely for him. And that was it. That was my mother's day. Kind of lame.

But THIS year it couldn't have been more different.

Austin is sleeping like a champ at 13 months. (The irony of this Mother's Day was that Mark was just coming off the night shift this year. But coming off is way better than starting!) So I got to sleep in. Because we went to bed pretty early I woke up before Austin. I therefore had the immense pleasure of having an incredibly happy baby to go in and pick up and cuddle with when he woke up while being fully rested and alert myself. Mark got up soon after that. He insisted that I go back upstairs and await breakfast in bed. So I made the bed and sat on it waiting for my boys to bring in breakfast.

I was brought breakfast on a silver tray with 10 beautiful roses in a vase by my two boys. Breakfast was bagels from a local shop, fresh fruit, turkey sausage, and orange juice. Divine. After I had taken a few bites Mark went and got my present.

I had asked for a new food processor since mine broke. I had been 90% certain he had gotten me the food processor. We had talked about budget and created it around the gift I wanted. I was absolutely certain that was what I was getting. The gift came Friday. He had asked me not to pick up or shake the box but just to scoot it into the house. I figured that was because he hadn't wanted to me to confirm that I had gotten a food processor. So I  abode by his wishes and just scooted the box inside. Little did I know...

He brought the box in and I opened it fully expecting to see a white Cuisinart Box with a brand new food processor. Instead I opened the top flap and the first word I saw was written in big red letters: "Canon." I immediately closed the box and looked up at Mark in absolutely disbelief. I said "Nuh uh." He looked sheepish and a little nervous. I reopened the box and pulled out a brand new DSLR camera. He had purchased it in a bundle so it came with an extra lens, a tripod, instructional DVD, screen cleaners, screen protectors, and a few more things. I was in absolute shock.

Never in our marriage had Mark surprised me with a gift like that. It was completely for me. It was completely frivolous  It was just something I had dreamed about and wished for but never really considered owning: at least not for a few more years at least. I was completely shocked and absolutely thrilled. As soon as I took the first pictures of Austin I was almost brought to tears. The pictures were so much better than anything we had taken or could possibly take with our old camera. I was just so delighted.

He told me he had justified it because he was just so proud of me for the new house cleaning regimin I have maintained for the last six weeks. He told me he was so proud of me for changing my eating habits and helping him to do the same. He told me he was so proud of the way I am raising our son. He told me he was just so proud of me and wanted me to know how much he loved and appreciated me. He told me never before had the word "home-maker" meant so much to him. He never realized what a job it was to make a home; never realized that it truly is a job like any other; never realized what a difference it makes in one's life to have a home. It just warmed my heart for him to validate me. For him to acknowledge in a new way that what I do is a job just as valuable and important as any other. What a delightful and wise and appreciative man I have married. He makes me so happy and I am so glad I make him happy too.

So-- we went on an early morning walk and took some pictures with our amazing new camera. We went to church as a family where I got to attend Relief Society, thanks to the Elder's Quorum taking over Primary. The lesson was all about the importance of family. It was a beautiful lesson. Mark took Austin willingly for all 3 hours of church and then again for a 4th hour while I played for ward choir. He never complained. He just spoiled me rotten. I felt so loved and important.

After church we came home and Mark put Austin down for a nap and then made lunch for me. We had fish sandwiches, chips, and fruit. It was delicious. As soon as Austin woke up Mark took us on another walk at my request. He doesn't usually love to go on multiple walks a day but because I wanted it so badly he readily agreed without complaint because it was Mother's Day. I just can't express in words how loved and appreciated I felt by Mark. He spent the whole day making me feel like a queen. He took over all food preparation, Austin care, and chores while at the same time showering me with gifts and affection.

After Austin went to bed we had dinner: shrimp boil kebabs with macaroni and cheese. He called his mom while he grilled the kebabs outside. For dessert we had strawberry yogurt cake and homemade vanilla ice cream.

As soon as we had finished eating Mark attacked the pile of dishes and cleaned the entire kitchen.

It was such a vast improvement that I consider it in some ways to be my first mother's day. But not really. But kind of :)

It was such a wonderful day. I felt truly admired, appreciated, cared for, loved, and cherished by my husband and son. I can't even put it into words. I love my husband. I love my son. And I thank my Heavenly Father and Mother for giving me the life I enjoy.

New Games!

Austin has a new game! It is a version of peek-a-boo where he is totally in charge. Lately he has taken to crawling behind the couch and then popping his head out, looking at me, and laughing uncontrollably. If I happen to be looking away he'll just stare at me until I look in his direction at which point he will again start to laugh and duck behind the couch again. It is SO cute. He has also taken to raising his arms up to be tickled under the armpits. So I reach in to tickle him and he laughs like crazy and puts his arms down and then raises them up again expectantly. What a cute kid. How in the world did I get so lucky?

He's also cruising like a boss. He just won't walk though. We have tried to encourage him to use his walker or to walk holding our hands but as soon as we raise him up he starts to fuss and becomes jello and puts his little bum on the ground. So funny. I'm sure I'll miss it when he finally gets the hang of his legs :)

A Foot in Both Worlds

Before I got pregnant I was in the infertility club. It is not a club that anyone likes to be in. Not anyone I know anyway. The best part about the infertility club is that you make wonderful friends there. I have met some of my best friends simply because we have that common struggle. It was the magnet that attracted us together and friendships were born.

Then I got pregnant and delivered my son 9 months later. Suddenly I found myself in the mommy club: staying at home with a baby, becoming a homemaker, going to play group, taking my baby to day care at the gym, getting babysitters, having a companion everywhere I went (go). And it felt strange. I had a labor and delivery story that I could now swap with other moms. But it felt weird and I didn't (and still don't) really like to swap those stories. Listening in on women sharing their labor stories when I was struggling through infertility was uncomfortable and painful, so even though I had one I didn't particularly like sharing. It felt strange to be discussing parenting strategies with new friends rather than fertility treatments with old ones.

Don't get me wrong. I loved stepping into the mommy club. I had been looking into the window of that club for years and now I finally got to step through the door. It was an absolute joy. But to tell you the truth it felt (and still feels) funny. I don't know how else to explain it but that I feel almost like I have a dirty little secret that if all those people in the mommy club knew about they wouldn't want me around. The thing is, is that they do know about it. At least part of it. They know I had infertility. They now know I have a baby. And they wrapped their arms around me and welcomed me in and have helped me in innumerable ways to be a good mom. I love them so dearly.

But the secret part is that I am still infertile (without the help of medication) and so when I hear people "planning" their next baby or announcing a pregnancy planned or otherwise, a part of me (that I am very ashamed of) gets jealous and bitter. I thought that as soon as I was able to get pregnant and have a baby that all those feelings of sadness and jealousy would evaporate-- that I would be able to celebrate each and every pregnancy of those in the mommy club with me without having to pretend to not feel those negative feelings first. And the dirty secret is that they didn't. And I hate that. I don't like feeling those feelings.  Before my baby I would pretend to not be sad (even though I was) then the real happiness would come as soon as I reminded myself that life is not a race and God is watching over us all and is mindful of us all.

When I do feel those feelings I don't know where to turn because I have a foot in both worlds. I don't want to admit my initial negative reaction to those in the mommy club who have welcomed me in and helped me in innumerable ways. I don't begrudge another sister her children! They are not a commodity. If she has more it doesn't mean there are fewer in heaven for me. I simply wish it were easier for me. Just like infertility the firs time around it is more about me than anyone else. On the other hand I don't feel like I can commiserate with my infertile friends because I have a baby myself.  It is just a funny feeling to be infertile and fertile at the same time.

Vainly assuming I have friends who read this blog, please know that if you are having a baby whether it is your first, second, third, or seventh that I am so happy for you. Truly, genuinely happy. It is simply as it ever was with infertility in that I am sad for myself-- meaning that I wish I had more control over my future. But really, don't we all wish that? I guess that is where faith comes in. But just remember, I would be sadder if you didn't share your happy news with me! I am happy. (See previous post.)

This post isn't meant to make anyone feel bad (pregnant or otherwise). My blog is where I express my feelings and who I am. It helps me identify things about myself that I like and things that I need to work on. The best part about these kind of posts is that usually someone writes to me or sends me a comment that really helps me get a better perspective on the entire situation. Bear one another's burdens right? So thanks for reading this with an open and forgiving heart and if you have any words of advice, please share. For now I will lay my burden at the Lord's feet and continue to pray for that day when this weakness is made strong and allowing me to celebrate with you is one of the ways this weakness is becoming stronger.

I Love My Life

I love my life.

I love my job. (Babysitter and piano teacher!)

I love my husband.

I love my son.

I love my extended family.

I love my friends.

I love going to the YMCA.

I love eating well.

I love my new little container garden.

I love being healthy. (I've lost 15 pounds!)

I love being Mormon.

I love God and Jesus Christ and the Holy Ghost.

I love that I can read and that I enjoy reading.

I love cooking.

I love Pinterest.

I love watching my TV shows. (Star Trek!)

I love practicing the piano and perfecting a piece of music. (Chopin. My fave.)

I love going and getting ice cream cones with my husband and son.

I love going to the store as a family and getting some oreos just because.

I just love, love, love, love, love my life.

It doesn't get any better than this!

Time Marches Ever On...

I miss my dad today. I just have some questions about life and certain situations and I wish with all my heart that my dad were here so I could get some advice.

I suppose if there is anything I have learned as an adult person it is that adults certainly don't know everything. But they do know a LOT. And I still think my dad would have all the answers if he were here. I just miss  him!

His birthday is on Friday. I wish I could be shopping on Amazon for some awesome gift to give him. I wish I could call him and sing him the birthday song in a very silly way. I just wish he were still around.

And I miss my sister too. I miss her funny sense of humor. I miss her matter-of-fact way of saying things but also being super loving and understanding at the same time. I just miss her.

I have to believe there is more to our existence than just this life. I have to believe that I will see them both again someday because thinking the opposite is just too hard.

Austin's 12 Month (WHAT?!) Update

My baby is one. ONE!!! When did that happen? How is it possible that one year ago today I was lying in the hospital with an hours old infant in my arms?

One of my fondest memories from the hospital was our second night there. Mark was sound asleep and Austin had just started to cry. I nursed him and then we both fell asleep while he laid on my chest in the cool darkness of the hospital. Wow. One whole year ago.

Austin has grown immeasurably. I just can't believe what a difference a year makes.

His favorite books are The Very Hungry Caterpillar and Pat the Bunny andMoo, Baa, La la la.

He loves Hot Wheels cars. He loves them. We got him a set for his birthday and he can't get enough of them.

He can crawl up the stairs so we now have a baby gate in place. He is just now starting to cruise along furniture... usually in pursuit of a remote control or our cell phones :)

Austing LOVES Moses (our cat). I can't say Moses feels the same. Austin loves to smack Moses and pull his tail. We are trying to teach him to "be soft!" Moses is pretty tolerant until Austin shrieks for joy and then Moses usually makes a hasty retreat. Dear Moses :)

Austin loves to play little games. His favorite is "Sooooooooo Big!" He also loves to play Peek-A-Boo, Patty-Cakes, and give high fives.

His favorite foods include yogurt, waffles, strawberries, cheese puffs, and animal crackers.

He is a babbler. "Mamamamamama" and "Dadadadadadada" are his two most frequent sounds but I am pretty sure they still don't mean anything yet.

Austin hates getting his diaper changed. It has happened quite suddenly. The minute you walk over to him with the changing pad and dry diaper he will either start to cry and crawl away from you or start shrieking. Poor kid. I hope he gets over that soon! He has lots of diapers yet to be changed :)

Austin's smile is as charming as ever. He is such a cutie. He already has his mom and dad wrapped around his little finger! I asked Mark, "How is it possible that he already knows how to manipulate us! Little Stinker! How did we know how to do it to our parents?!" Mark said it was evolutionary so that we keep him around instead of feeding him to the bears :)

I love my little sweetheart. I can't believe it has been one whole year. It has been the best year of my life. I thought I loved him the day he was born but my love for him has just continued to grow and deepen over this last year. He is the light of my life. I love him more than life itself. Happy Birthday my dearest child. You mean more to me than you will ever know. I love you.

Choosing to Believe

I am happy. I am peaceful. I have chosen to believe in God, my Heavenly Father. I have chosen to believe in Jesus Christ. I have chosen to worship Them  in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I know this is the church they want me to be in. I know this is the way they want me to worship them.

I invite all my friends and family members to look into my church and beliefs at mormon.org. This church has brought me much joy and a fantastic relationship with God. Bring your beliefs and see what my church has to add to them.

I love Jesus Christ and I love Heavenly Father and I am thankful I have made the choice to believe.

Never before in my life have I realized that belief truly is a choice. It is not something you simply feel with your heart. It is something you have to choose with your mind. In my quest for faith I have been challenged by many scientific and social studies that do not support the idea of a creator. I do not dismiss those studies. There are many that are plausible and sensible and (I believe) right. But I no longer choose to let them disturb my faith. I have chosen to dismiss my doubt and let my faith live in my heart. But I need to be clear: it was a choice. I have chosen the story by which I am going to live my life.

I believe in God. I believe we do not know all things yet. Neither science nor faith can answer all questions. I believe that someday God will answer all questions but that day is not today.

I LOVE my faith. I love my God. I feel joy and light and right in my heart because of my choice.