Before I got pregnant I was in the infertility club. It is not a club that anyone likes to be in. Not anyone I know anyway. The best part about the infertility club is that you make wonderful friends there. I have met some of my best friends simply because we have that common struggle. It was the magnet that attracted us together and friendships were born.
Then I got pregnant and delivered my son 9 months later. Suddenly I found myself in the mommy club: staying at home with a baby, becoming a homemaker, going to play group, taking my baby to day care at the gym, getting babysitters, having a companion everywhere I went (go). And it felt strange. I had a labor and delivery story that I could now swap with other moms. But it felt weird and I didn't (and still don't) really like to swap those stories. Listening in on women sharing their labor stories when I was struggling through infertility was uncomfortable and painful, so even though I had one I didn't particularly like sharing. It felt strange to be discussing parenting strategies with new friends rather than fertility treatments with old ones.
Don't get me wrong. I loved stepping into the mommy club. I had been looking into the window of that club for years and now I finally got to step through the door. It was an absolute joy. But to tell you the truth it felt (and still feels) funny. I don't know how else to explain it but that I feel almost like I have a dirty little secret that if all those people in the mommy club knew about they wouldn't want me around. The thing is, is that they do know about it. At least part of it. They know I had infertility. They now know I have a baby. And they wrapped their arms around me and welcomed me in and have helped me in innumerable ways to be a good mom. I love them so dearly.
But the secret part is that I am still infertile (without the help of medication) and so when I hear people "planning" their next baby or announcing a pregnancy planned or otherwise, a part of me (that I am very ashamed of) gets jealous and bitter. I thought that as soon as I was able to get pregnant and have a baby that all those feelings of sadness and jealousy would evaporate-- that I would be able to celebrate each and every pregnancy of those in the mommy club with me without having to pretend to not feel those negative feelings first. And the dirty secret is that they didn't. And I hate that. I don't like feeling those feelings. Before my baby I would pretend to not be sad (even though I was) then the real happiness would come as soon as I reminded myself that life is not a race and God is watching over us all and is mindful of us all.
When I do feel those feelings I don't know where to turn because I have a foot in both worlds. I don't want to admit my initial negative reaction to those in the mommy club who have welcomed me in and helped me in innumerable ways. I don't begrudge another sister her children! They are not a commodity. If she has more it doesn't mean there are fewer in heaven for me. I simply wish it were easier for me. Just like infertility the firs time around it is more about me than anyone else. On the other hand I don't feel like I can commiserate with my infertile friends because I have a baby myself. It is just a funny feeling to be infertile and fertile at the same time.
Vainly assuming I have friends who read this blog, please know that if you are having a baby whether it is your first, second, third, or seventh that I am so happy for you. Truly, genuinely happy. It is simply as it ever was with infertility in that I am sad for myself-- meaning that I wish I had more control over my future. But really, don't we all wish that? I guess that is where faith comes in. But just remember, I would be sadder if you didn't share your happy news with me! I am happy. (See previous post.)
This post isn't meant to make anyone feel bad (pregnant or otherwise). My blog is where I express my feelings and who I am. It helps me identify things about myself that I like and things that I need to work on. The best part about these kind of posts is that usually someone writes to me or sends me a comment that really helps me get a better perspective on the entire situation. Bear one another's burdens right? So thanks for reading this with an open and forgiving heart and if you have any words of advice, please share. For now I will lay my burden at the Lord's feet and continue to pray for that day when this weakness is made strong and allowing me to celebrate with you is one of the ways this weakness is becoming stronger.
3 comments:
Sorry, I don't have any words of wisdom to add..........because it was just so beautifully/rawfully (I realize that's not a word!) written.
You have a gift for writing how you FEEL. It's hard to pinpoint those feelings and put them into words. It makes YOUR feelings seem so 100% understandable to me, that I think, OF COURSE she feels like that and it makes sense!
With feet in both areas it makes you as a person more EMPathetic and also available as a resource for women of all circumstances. You will (and are) be a great instrument in Heavenly Father's hands.
I agree with Melissa about your gift and I do relate to having a "secret" that people don't know just by looking at me. I somehow wish that I could explain my history to everyone that is looking at me and my family and is making all sorts of conclusions.
I am grateful that whatever we deal with in this life helps us to become more like our Heavenly Father. That knowledge gives me hope that we can (with the Savior) overcome this world. How amazing that you can understand so many more people having your foot in both worlds. I think that makes you closer to the Savior.
I admire you for acknowledging your feelings and trying to work through them in faith. The more women that I talk to, the more I realize that we suffer through these years of fertility/infertility together in so many ways. When I had my miscarriage after before I got pregnant with Grace, we heard from many people about their miscarriages and how many of them had one child and couldn't seem to get pregnant with another, or had multiple miscarriages etc. It helped me to realize that every one of us has our own little "secret". And we can't understand why HF asks of us what he does. Onward in faith. Love you!
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