My Problems with Family

Why is being with extended family so hard for me sometimes? I love my husband more than life itself. I would die for him. And he has a wonderful family. They are some of the best people I know. So why do I have such a hard time when we are all together?

I feel sometimes like I don't fit in. Or I feel like I talk too much. I think I probably compare myself to everyone too and find myself coming up short. I feel like my students love me but that my nieces and nephews don't even like me or tolerate me at best. Is that because I had a hard time talking to them or holding them at first when it was hard for me to become pregnant.

I don't even want to go out of my bedroom right now to be with them. I think part of that is probably because Mark is really sick and I have to be alone out there. At least when he is there I feel like someone is there who loves me absolutely and completely. He either came down with the flu or food poisoning the day I got here. I am glad I was here to take care of him. He is sleeping next to me right now. I just don't want to leave this room.

I think my MIL is stressed out a little by so many people being here. I know she is happy to have all her children and grandchildren around her. But I feel like I just bother her or that I am in the way. I feel like I am very different from all of her daughters and her other daughters-in-law and sometimes I think she doesn't know what to do with me or what to talk to me about. Is that how it is going to be when my Austin gets married? I hope I can be a good MIL to whoever he chooses to marry.

Maybe I just worry too much about this. I thought maybe writing it down would help out some but it hasn't really helped at all. There are just too many people here. Too many little children. You can't have a conversation with someone without it being interrupted by a child. And I am not used to that and it is hard for me.

It has been awesome to see Joseph. It really has been. He is one of my favorite people. I am glad we are here to see him.

What is my problem? Why am I so uncomfortable and upset here? I feel a little trapped for one thing. We do not have a car and Mark is sick. I hate asking my in-laws for anything. I have already asked for a couple of things to help make Mark feel better (soda, crackers, and a space heater) and was made to feel like an idiot for asking. I didn't even bother asking for medicine. I just went out and bought some when we were all in town for Joseph's returning home fireside to the family. Too much family! The medicine helped and I think Mark is finally starting to feel better.

I hope this break improves. It is going to be a LONG three months before Spring Break if these feelings of anxiety, apprehension, and being trapped persist throughout this entire break.

What can I do to alleviate these feelings?

I should spend more time in the scriptures. I don't feel like I can pray about this because I feel guilty about feeling these feelings anyway. Sometimes when I feel too bad to pray I feel like God can reach out to me through the scriptures. So more scriptures and prayers.

I can try to think more about others and talk with them about how they are.

I can give myself a time limit for being patient with other people's children. I think my limit will be one hour. After an hour I will excuse myself and take a break in my room.

I can let other people worry about their own feelings and just enjoy myself. I think that is probably the best thing for me to do.

Honesty is the Best Policy

Tomorrow is the last day of school before Christmas Break. Yay!

Tomorrow I also fly from Raleigh to Phoenix. Hooray!

My awesome friend Samantha is taking me to the airport. I was a little nervous about making it to the airport on time because I have to drive from Reidsville to Winston where Sam is picking me up and then together we will drive to Raleigh. There was absolutely no wiggle room. I would have arrived at the airport only 1 hour ahead of time. I was thinking about calling in sick on Wednesday but having serious internal conflict because that is dishonest. I am not supposed to use my sick days unless I am sick. 

Well. Honesty is the best policy. I am not going to work tomorrow. I called in sick. Because I am. Honestly. I felt awful at work today. My throat is sore and I was exhausted and aching all over. So now I feel confident I will get everything done I need to and make my flight on time. But I am sick. A blessing and curse. 

I went to the office at the end of the day in tears. I think I am just over emotional because I am pregnant. I did not want anyone thinking I was lying or being dishonest about calling in sick on the last day of work before break. Of COURSE my principal was right there when I walked in. He is awesome and was all concern. He told me his opinion was the only one that mattered, that I didn't look well, he could tell I was truly sick, to skip out on the staff meeting, and have a nice break. I was so embarrassed. I have no idea why I was crying! For heaven's sake. The office ladies who take care of subs and everything were awesome too. They laughed sympathetically and said "See! We told you so. We told you you would come crying to us one day for no reason at all and not know why you are crying!" They did tell me that too, about two months ago when I announced my pregnancy. 

I seriously have the best boss and coworkers in the world. I am so thankful for my job. I love those people. I hope I am as fortunate in my next job as I have been in this one. 

Generosity

I feel so much gratitude in my heart for the generosity of others. Sometimes the goodness and generosity of people in my ward is overwhelming.

Maternity clothing is quite expensive. I certainly cannot afford to purchase a brand new wardrobe that I will only wear for 5 months. My mother-in-law and my mother purchased me several pieces of maternity clothes. I am so thankful for their generosity. The clothing is beautiful and functional and it will serve me to the end.

A friend of mine in the ward lent me her entire maternity wardrobe. She has about 20 shirts, 2 skirts, and several pairs of pants and jeans. Wow. I can't believe she is just letting me borrow it like that!

Another friend of mine gave me a shirt and a dress. She said she never wore them in two pregnancies and thought I could use them. So awesome.

And finally, my visiting teacher just gave birth to a daughter 5 weeks ago. She just found out I was expecting and gave me a big hug and congratulations at the ward party on Saturday night. She said that she and her husband are 100% sure (surgically sure, one of them is undergoing a procedure) that they will not be having any more children. She said she had a lot of long sleeved shirts she was going to sell but said she would just give them to me. So she brought me over probably 10 or 11 shirts, a dress, and a pair of pants. Wow. Who does that?!

And I feel so blessed because all three of those women are my size. So the clothes fit perfectly. I have had several people tell me that I will be really tired of my maternity clothes by the time I have my baby. I am not sure that is going to be the case. With the generosity of my family and friends my maternity wardrobe is bigger than my regular one!

Thank you everyone!

Still A Boy!

I had another ultrasound today to double check that my boy's heart was doing fine. And it's fine. So no worries. His spine is looking great. He is moving around quite a lot. He is a normal size.

And he still a boy. Definitely a boy.

My blood sugar has been good. I have been taking my blood sugar like a champ and being super careful about what I eat. And I have been exercising at least 4 days a week. Mark and I decided I need to make a list of why gestational diabetes has been a blessing. I mean it too! I have never exercised so regularly or eaten such a healthy, balanced diet in my life.

And I have only gained 2 pounds since I became pregnant. I did in fact loose a pound in the last month instead of gaining anything. I was feeling quite nervous about that. Everything I read says I am supposed to be gaining. But the doctor came in, took one look at my numbers and said "Your weight looks great. Your blood pressure looks great. How are you feeling?" Well, fine I guess! I mentioned the weight loss thing. He said not to worry at this point. If he's not worried, I'm not worried. I was about nine pounds overweight when I got pregnant. I guess I didn't need to add anything to those maternal fat stores and all that exercise and good eating must be paying off.

Anyway. I am so delighted to be having a child. I feel so blessed and happy. Sometimes I look at my life and think that it can't be mine because it is just so wonderful. I am so thankful for my many blessings, especially this one. I am going to cherish this experience. I do not know when (or even if) it will ever happen again. I am thankful it has been a delightful and pleasant experience for me. No sickness. Just a little tired and a little back pain (that has since gone away since I started to exercise). What a blessing. I am so excited to have my boy come, but I like I said, I am going to cherish every moment of this great blessing.

They say that having infertility makes you appreciate your pregnancy (if you are blessed to start your family in that way) in a different way than if you did not have infertility. I think that is true. At least for me. I am sure every woman blessed to carry a child feels blessed and honored to do so, but I believe that for myself I appreciate in a deeper and more meaningful way that I otherwise would have because it was a small struggle to get to this point. I really do not know if I would have appreciated the beauty, miracle, and blessing that this is without having had infertility issues first. So I am glad for my trial and even gladder for this wonderful, wonderful blessing!

A Mother's Love

Isn't she beautiful?

I have the most wonderful mother in the world. She is a beautiful person inside and out. I will never be able to repay her for everything she has done for me. All I can do is hope to pay it forward. When my son is born I hope that I can be the kind of mother for him that my mother was for me: patient, kind, understanding, patient, loving, patient, generous. Did I mention patient? My mother embodies that virtue. She was that and so much more. She was trusting. She guided my decisions but always, always let me choose for myself. And if the consequences were hard to live with she would help me understand them and how to live with them. Best. Mom. Ever. I am so thankful she sacrificed her time and money to come and visit me in North Carolina. I love her more than words can express.

Movement

One of the very best feelings I have ever experienced is my son kicking around in my tummy. He is surprisingly strong for only being 21 weeks! What a wonderful boy. I can't wait to meet him, but I love this experience so much I do not want to rush him out in any way. I want to treasure every moment because it has been a while in coming.

I am so blessed to have this pregnancy. I thank Heavenly Father every day for this great blessing. The ability to be pregnant is a gift. Maybe not everyone sees it that way, but it is. It truly is. You might think it is on your timing but it isn't it is the Lord's. And maybe you are lucky enough that both your idea of when to have children and his coincide. That was not the case for me. And unfortunately not everyone receives that gift from our Heavenly Father in this life. Some people have to wait. My waiting was not long at all. Four years is really not a long wait. But sometimes it felt long. It was sad and lonely. I was happy for others, but sad for myself. But the joy and sweetness of fulfillment makes my cup run over with joy. Every tear shed, every painful (emotional and physical) medical procedure was worth it.  I already love this boy so much I can't imagine loving him more when he comes but I am sure I will!

A Wonderful Husband

I had the best anniversary ever. And not only was it the best anniversary ever, I had the best year of my marriage ever. It seems like each year gets better than the last. Even the hard years are wonderful (i.e. the year when my dad died and the miscarriage five months later).

Mark is an amazing companion. He loves me very much and I know it not only by the things he says, but by the things he does. Last night is a perfect illustration. It was our anniversary "date". Here is what he did:

• He let me choose the restaurant (Chick-fil-A) because I have to be on a strict diet because of my pregnancy. We had to go with something inexpensive because we're on a budget. And we already had a big anniversary celebration about three weeks ago. 
• We went to a baby clothes store and just browsed around in the little boys section. 
• We went to the Hallmark store right next door to the baby store. He HATES that sort of stuff but he just walked around with me and enjoyed talking about future plans for decorating our house (when we can afford it) and playing with the funny stuff. He did let me know he was ready to leave but then stuck it out for 10 more minutes so I could finish looking.
• When we went to the Redbox to rent a movie he let me choose Jane Eyre even though he wanted to see Captain America. 
• When we came home I was halfway between being asleep and awake on his shoulder and he let me lay there for about 40 minutes before suggesting I go to bed. 
• Then he walked me upstairs, tucked me in, and kissed me goodnight.

Best husband ever. I mean really. Who does that? He is unselfish, kind, and patient. Sometimes I wonder what I did to get such a wonderful companion. He really seems too good to be true. Not only is his unselfish, kind, and patient, but he is also an incredibly hard worker. He studies for hours each day and is doing really well in medical school. I am so proud of him. And I am so pleased to be his wife. I am so glad he chose me.