Being Diabetic

I don't like being diabetic. I don't like it one bit. And it is only getting more difficult as my pregnancy progresses. In the beginning it was fairly easy to control my blood sugar. But gestational diabetes gets increasingly worse and more difficult to control the further your pregnancy progresses. I am SO GLAD my pregnancy is progressing. There is no better place in the world for my son right now than where he is. HOWEVER. That being said, I am tired of watching everything I put into my mouth. I am especially tired because these days no matter what I eat or how much I exercise I just cannot keep my blood sugar quite where it needs to be. So. My doctor will probably put me on insulin soon (if I had to guess).

I am hungry. Often.

And I have only gained 4 pounds in 6 1/2 months of pregnancy. That is pretty much just my baby, the placenta, and some amniotic fluid.

In fact, I have lost weight in my thighs, behind, and face.

But that doesn't make me happy. It makes me worried. It makes me worried that I am not eating enough and that I am having to use energy from other places to grow my baby and stay healthy myself. I guess they haven't found ketones in my urine (sorry, TMI) at the doctors office so I shouldn't be too worried.

But I am. I am worried. And frustrated. And discouraged. And I feel guilty for even having diabetes. Which I know is completely irrational because I didn't do anything to get it. I wasn't overweight. I wasn't eating poorly. I just got it. Probably because insulin is a hormone and all my other hormones are messed up anyways.

I don't mean to complain. I know this is a huge blessing. And really it is the only hard part about pregnancy for me. I wasn't sick and I am not that tired. But I am sick and tired of worrying about my blood sugar and how it is affecting my baby.

I guess I just feel guilty. I feel like if my blood sugar gets too high then I am a bad mother. But I am hungry. And I don't want to starve my baby either. So what makes me a worse mother? Starving myself to keep my numbers low or having high blood sugar? Okay. Starving is a bit strong. But I do have an increased appetite as of late but I do not have any wiggle room in my diet to eat any more than I already am and when I do my blood sugar goes up.

I guess I will just wait until my appointment next week and talk to my doctor about it. In the mean time I think I will probably call my dietician. Hopefully she can help me eat enough without spiking my blood sugar.

Because I love my son, but I am tired of being hungry.