Nesting?

I was just having this conversation the other day with my mom. I basically said, "Mom, I have heard about this thing called 'nesting' but I am so tired and exhausted from work every single day that I don't know if I will ever feel it."

What is nesting exactly?

Well, if it is this urge to have everything perfectly ready when the baby comes then I think maybe I was feeling it just a little bit yesterday. I desperately wanted to get his room closer to ready. We have three bedrooms in our house. One we were using as an office/library and the other was full of storage and junk. About two weeks ago we cleaned out the junk/storage room and starting moving all the stuff in the office/library over into that room. We never finished. Well, yesterday we finally moved over the last bookshelf, desk, and pile of blankets. All that is left in the old library is a little clean up and then it will be ready for yesterday's big purchases. Moving the crib from the wish list to the order basket was surreal. I know that sounds dramatic, but I am just so excited. When the time came to pay, I was so nervous and excited to push the "order" button on Amazon I thought I would squeal. Okay. I did squeal. Just a little bit :)

Purchase #1:

Purchase #2:

Purchase #3: 

I also ordered a mattress pad, but there is nothing too exciting about a picture of that. They were all on this killer sale on Amazon AND I am so excited to get my baby's room ready I can hardly stand it. The stroller will not be in the room, obviously, but Mark was really excited about it. We did all the shopping and deciding together.

Is all that that nesting?

Moving Around

I just have to say how much I love to just sit in our small armchair in our living room with my feet propped up watching my son's movements across my stomach. He is big enough now that pretty much every movement is visible. He is also big enough that I can tell where he (in the middle, on the left, on the right, etc...) Sometimes right up at the top I can feel a little head or maybe a little bottom as this hard little knot while everything else around it is pretty soft. Sometimes when I do that he will move out of the way. He already has personality :)

Being Diabetic

I don't like being diabetic. I don't like it one bit. And it is only getting more difficult as my pregnancy progresses. In the beginning it was fairly easy to control my blood sugar. But gestational diabetes gets increasingly worse and more difficult to control the further your pregnancy progresses. I am SO GLAD my pregnancy is progressing. There is no better place in the world for my son right now than where he is. HOWEVER. That being said, I am tired of watching everything I put into my mouth. I am especially tired because these days no matter what I eat or how much I exercise I just cannot keep my blood sugar quite where it needs to be. So. My doctor will probably put me on insulin soon (if I had to guess).

I am hungry. Often.

And I have only gained 4 pounds in 6 1/2 months of pregnancy. That is pretty much just my baby, the placenta, and some amniotic fluid.

In fact, I have lost weight in my thighs, behind, and face.

But that doesn't make me happy. It makes me worried. It makes me worried that I am not eating enough and that I am having to use energy from other places to grow my baby and stay healthy myself. I guess they haven't found ketones in my urine (sorry, TMI) at the doctors office so I shouldn't be too worried.

But I am. I am worried. And frustrated. And discouraged. And I feel guilty for even having diabetes. Which I know is completely irrational because I didn't do anything to get it. I wasn't overweight. I wasn't eating poorly. I just got it. Probably because insulin is a hormone and all my other hormones are messed up anyways.

I don't mean to complain. I know this is a huge blessing. And really it is the only hard part about pregnancy for me. I wasn't sick and I am not that tired. But I am sick and tired of worrying about my blood sugar and how it is affecting my baby.

I guess I just feel guilty. I feel like if my blood sugar gets too high then I am a bad mother. But I am hungry. And I don't want to starve my baby either. So what makes me a worse mother? Starving myself to keep my numbers low or having high blood sugar? Okay. Starving is a bit strong. But I do have an increased appetite as of late but I do not have any wiggle room in my diet to eat any more than I already am and when I do my blood sugar goes up.

I guess I will just wait until my appointment next week and talk to my doctor about it. In the mean time I think I will probably call my dietician. Hopefully she can help me eat enough without spiking my blood sugar.

Because I love my son, but I am tired of being hungry.

Happy Birthday To Me

Today is my birthday. It is usually my very favorite day of the entire year. In years past I have been showered with love and attention from my husband and my family and friends. Now I live thousands of miles away from family, my husband is in medical school, and I have only a few close friends here who also have husbands in medical school.

That is code for: This hasn't been my favorite day of the entire year.

In fact, it is probably one of the loneliest birthdays I have had.

To be fair, over 40 people took the time to wish me a happy birthday on facebook. And the day is not over! As silly as it sounds it meant so much to me. I probably checked facebook every couple of hours today just to see who had wished me a happy day. And my spirits were lifted with every name that was added to that list. People can criticize facebook all they want for not being "real" friendships, but when you are isolated and lonely and far away it is nice to feel connected to the world and today I was immensely grateful for facebook and all the kind friends who wished me a happy day.

I also got phone calls from my mom and siblings, my in-laws, and my

A Growing Boy

Or should I say "Growing a Boy"

26 Weeks
(6 months) 

It's Nothing Personal... I hope.

Another kid just quit chorus. And I have to say that if I was in that class I would quit too. But it is disheartening. It makes me feel like I am a terrible teacher because I can't instill in them a love of music. I feel like a terrible teacher because my program is not growing. It is shrinking! (Ok... that is a bit dramatic. I doubled the amount of 7th graders this year from the amount of 7th graders I had last year) Someone once told me that there is always ebb and flow in music programs. Some years are good and some years are not as good.

Bad Teacher Day

Today wasn't the greatest day. In order to keep functioning I need to not focus on what went wrong but try to focus on what went right:

• All my classes went to their seats quickly. We did this activity yesterday where they raced against their own times to get in their seats quickly and today I reminded them of it before the came in. It worked like a charm.
• My second sixth grade elective (while very small) is holding their own and had a good time singing the high notes "like Mariah Carey" today
• My seventh grade boys enjoyed their voice testing and were rocking out to one of the songs we will be singing in their class
• My first eighth grade elective is just awesome. The boys sound GOOD. I can't believe it. I am so proud of them. 
• My students were able to understand the markings in their scores today and even wrote some of their own in. 

Things that went wrong:

• I cannot, for the life of me, engage my last eighth grade class. I don't know what their (or my) problem is. I feel like the worst teacher in the world.
• My seventh grade girls class shrunk by 10 and even though they are still singing loudly, they are not quite as good. I lost a ton of students this semester due to scheduling conflicts. It is actually really depressing. 
• I don't feel like I picked out very good music for my classes. Or is it just my perception of them and the music? Is it always like this while they are still learning a song? Do they even have to like all the music or is it good for them to branch out?
• My students seem bored when I am trying to teach them the music. Am I a boring teacher? 
• I have a student (who I loved last year) who has no respect for me. She thinks I am a)an idiot b)ridiculous c) she is smarter than me. I remember thinking that about some of my teachers. Shame on me. I guess I am getting it back now. Karma. I swear I wasn't as disrespectful as she is though. She is in 8th grade. I know it is part of the age. But she has had a real attitude problem this year and nothing I can do or say will work it out with her. I couldn't have imagined myself saying this about her last year, but I am thankful she will be out of middle school next year. 

*sigh* Being pregnant and teaching is a lot harder than I thought it would be. I am so emotional. It is really hard not to overreact to certain situations. I think I do okay for the most part. In fact, I never yell or loose my temper. But inside I feel terrible. I just can't seem to see things clearly. It is probably because I am so focused on other things. I need to let that be okay. 

There are lots of things I need to let be okay. I need to let it be okay that my program is smaller this semester than last semester. I need to let it be okay that there are just some students who I will not ever reach. I need to let it be okay that I am not the best. I need to let it be okay that I am still learning my trade. I need to let it be okay. I just do. I am going to pray that I can let it be okay. Because I can't let it be okay by myself these days. I am just too emotional. 

I Can Do This

I can do this. I can be pregnant. I can suffer from anxiety. I can still get everything done. I can still be a good teacher, even if I am not perfect. I can find the motivation to get my maternity plans done. I can find time to exercise. I can control what I eat and how much water I drink. I can control myself in front of my classes.

Anxiety

Let me just start by saying that I am so thankful to be pregnant. I am so thankful I get to be a mother. It is one of the biggest blessings I have ever been given. That being said, I always knew it deep down but being pregnant is not always easy. I rarely, if ever, complain because I am so happy to be pregnant! But I need to complain just a little.

I am having the worst anxiety. I have not had anxiety like this in years. And it feels terrible. I can't pinpoint exactly what it is that is making me anxious either, so I am just going to assume that it is being pregnant that is making me super anxious. Things that I would normally be able to handle I find myself getting really worked up over and super stressed out about. It does not feel good. 

I mean, I sit down and list out all the things I think are stressing me out. And I know that by looking at that list I should be able to manage everything. It really isn't anything more or less than I dealt with last year (work). But for some reason it seems so much more insurmountable this year. Is it because I am crazy with hormones and I just can't see clearly? That is the only thing I can think of. Do I need to get help? Is there help available? I am going to ask my doctor tomorrow. I just don't know if I can handle this sort of anxiety without some help and guidance for the next three months.

I know it is vain to assume people read this blog, but if you do, what do you do when you feel like this? If you have children, did you ever feel like this during your pregnancy? Any advice/help would be greatly appreciated. 

A New Sense of (Off) Balance

I finally feel a little off balance. And I couldn't be happier! I am nearly six months pregnant and I have stayed pretty small up to this point. I am finally growing large enough that I feel a little off balance. I feel like I am swaying my back and so I go to adjust my standing position and I find that there is really nothing I can do. I am not swaying my back, my center of gravity is just changing. It makes me feel so happy and peaceful! I have never been so glad to be off balance in my life. It means that my son is growing and healthy. I always look forward to each doctor's visit to confirm that everything is going well. I have one in just a couple of days and I can't wait to hear his little heart beating again.

He has been moving around a lot more these days. Or he is just strong enough that I feel it a lot more. I can even see it sometimes with my eyes. I saw it for the first time on December 21 when I was in the airplane somewhere between Nashville and Phoenix. It was so awesome.

I am so excited for Austin to join the family. He even has a homemade felt stocking made to match his dad's made by his Grandma Van Gesen. I should have taken a picture to share but I forgot before we packed up all the Christmas things. I guess it will make its first appearance later. Just like its owner!

I am excited for April 16, or thereabouts, to arrive and with it my boy. But I am enjoying this pregnancy. I don't know when or if I will have another one so I want to treasure every single minute!