I have been really homesick here in North Carolina. I have anxiety. I am sad. My heart just aches to go back to the wide west with its big mountains, bigger skies, and lots and lots of exposed rock. I miss BYU. I miss my family. I miss my friends. I miss seeing a temple every single day.
I have been thinking a lot about my pioneer ancestors who made a trek opposite to my own. I wonder what it was like for them.
Were they like my dad? My dad left the east to settle in the west and he never looked back. He loved living in the west and always extolled its virtues. He told me I could choose to be happy no matter where I lived.
Or were they like me? Anxious. Scared. Uncomfortable. Wishing they were back in familiar territory...
There are so many things I have to adjust to. The most difficult thing by far has been the climate. That was a surprise to me. I did not think it would take that much adjustment. I do not like bugs. I feel like my kitchen is a war zone: me vs. the cockroaches. I think I am winning. I do not like humidity. I do not like all the trees everywhere. There are just lots of things to adjust to.
I love my ward family. They are the people who are making this transition possible for me. I can't complain about them in any way, shape or form. They are loving and kind and have opened their hearts and arms to us. When I leave this place I know I will miss them terribly.
I love the gospel. That is the same no matter where I am. The words of the Book of Mormon, Bible, Doctrine and Covenants, and Pearl of Great Price do not change no matter how far away I am from home. God's awareness and love for me do not change no matter how far away I am from home.
Now that I have all of that out in the open I think I need to try harder to focus on the positive. I try not to think about how homesick I am but sometimes I just can't help it. But I am going to try to help it. Because this is home for me now and it is time to start making it feel that way.
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Going Private
Hello dear family and friends!
Well I have started school. No students yet but lots and lots of meetings and training. After some consideration I have decided to make my blog private. I am going to be teaching middle school and while I do not mind sharing my personal thoughts and feelings about life with strangers, I do mind sharing my personal thoughts and feelings about life with my students. They just do not need to know too much about my personal life. So. I am going to go ahead and make my blog private. It will happen in two weeks. If you would like to continue reading my blog please leave me your e-mail address in a comment. I have made it so only I'll see the comments. I look forward to getting your message!
Well I have started school. No students yet but lots and lots of meetings and training. After some consideration I have decided to make my blog private. I am going to be teaching middle school and while I do not mind sharing my personal thoughts and feelings about life with strangers, I do mind sharing my personal thoughts and feelings about life with my students. They just do not need to know too much about my personal life. So. I am going to go ahead and make my blog private. It will happen in two weeks. If you would like to continue reading my blog please leave me your e-mail address in a comment. I have made it so only I'll see the comments. I look forward to getting your message!
Monday, August 9, 2010
DisGUSTing
Ugh. I clean with bleach every single day. EVERY DAY. In both my bathroom and my kitchen. I pour it down the drains every night. I set out cockroach traps. I have sprayed perimeter of my house inside and out. WHY do I get these little (or HUGE) visitors in my house!
I think maybe it is time to call pest control. I hate bugs. I really do. If there is a reason I will NEVER settle in the south it will be because of these bad boys. Never say never right?
Part of the problem is that we live in a VERY old house (1927) in a VERY old neighborhood (called the Ardmore Historic District). There are cracks in my cupboards large enough for me to put my hand through and since we don't own the property there is not a whole lot we can do. In our contract it says "Pest Control" is up to us but that we take the house "as is" meaning we can't do any construction on it.
*sigh* I guess I'll just have to call out the professionals and until then keep cleaning...
I think maybe it is time to call pest control. I hate bugs. I really do. If there is a reason I will NEVER settle in the south it will be because of these bad boys. Never say never right?
Part of the problem is that we live in a VERY old house (1927) in a VERY old neighborhood (called the Ardmore Historic District). There are cracks in my cupboards large enough for me to put my hand through and since we don't own the property there is not a whole lot we can do. In our contract it says "Pest Control" is up to us but that we take the house "as is" meaning we can't do any construction on it.
*sigh* I guess I'll just have to call out the professionals and until then keep cleaning...
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Monday, August 2, 2010
I don't have to be perfect. I don't have to be a perfect teacher or a perfect wife or a perfect daughter. At least not in the way perfect is usually meant and how I usually think about it. God commands me to be perfect in the scriptures. But what he means is whole and complete. Does that mean that I can never make a mistake? No. Is being a perfect teacher who makes no mistakes and who everybody loves going to make me a whole and complete person? No. What makes me a whole and complete person is living a full and happy life. What makes me whole is my faith in Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. What makes me whole is loving other people and being loved by other people. What makes me whole is trying my best. What makes me whole is knowing that I don't have to be "perfect."
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Learning to Be Happy
I found this wonderful piece written by Krista Oakes. It can be found at 2ofus4now.org.
When I was 12, I knew I would finally be happy when I turned 16 and could drive and date.
When I was 16, I knew I would finally be happy when I started college and lived on my own.
When I was in college, I knew I would finally be happy when I graduated and got married.
When we were newlyweds, I knew I would finally be happy when we had good jobs and a nice place to live.
When we had good jobs and a nice place to live, I knew I would finally be happy when we had kids.
When we had kids, I knew I would finally be happy when they slept through the night and were potty trained...
...when they went to school...
...when they graduated from school...
...when they moved out and started lives of their own...
...when I reached my ideal weight...
...when I went back to my career...
...when the grandchildren came...
...when the grandchildren went back home...
...when retirement came...
...when...
Looking back on life, I never learned to be happy.
***OR***
When I was 12 I could still do kid stuff like climb trees, yet also discover lipstick.
When I was 16 my only concerns were what to wear, what grades I was getting, and whether that cute boy liked me. I had tons of energy, car keys, and a bright future.
When I was in college I lived carefree while my parents still paid many of the bills. I could do whatever I wanted and was accountable only to myself.
When I was a newlywed we had a small apartment, but it was all ours. We did silly romantic things and enjoyed discovering each other.
While we waited for kids we had wonderful opportunities to develop ourselves and our careers. We had nice things. We could go to the movies whenever we wanted without worrying about a sitter. We could travel, sleep in on Saturdays, and eat cold pizza for breakfast. As we struggled with ongoing infertility, we strengthened our marriage and learned a lot about how faith and prayer work.
When the kids finally came we had the chance to learn complete unselfishness. We traded nice furniture and sleep for original crayon art, peanut butter fingerprints, and plastic dishes. Our entertainment wasn't at the movie theater, but in the playpen.
As the kids grew we saw each personality emerge. We learned a lot about patience. We learned to worry less and laugh more with each child.
When the kids grew up and moved away, we rediscovered our marriage. We replaced the beat up furniture and indulged in white carpeting.
When the grandkids came, we became young again.
When retirement came, we served a mission together. We were glad to know that we could still be attracted to each other despite our wrinkles and creaky joints and dentures.
Looking back on life, we learned to be happy in every season.
I am not going to spend any more of my time wishing my life away. I am going to find happiness now, in what I do have. All good things and all the righteous desires of my heart will be met in the Lord's time and in the Lord's way.
Right now I have a beautiful new home in NC. I get to focus nearly all my energy on being the best music teacher I can be and building my career. I get to sleep in on Saturday and Sunday. Mark and I can go anywhere, eat anything, and just enjoy being together without the pressure of parenthood. So even though I want to be a parent more than anything, I will not be any happier then than I am right now because I am choosing to find joy in the life I currently live.
When I was 12, I knew I would finally be happy when I turned 16 and could drive and date.
When I was 16, I knew I would finally be happy when I started college and lived on my own.
When I was in college, I knew I would finally be happy when I graduated and got married.
When we were newlyweds, I knew I would finally be happy when we had good jobs and a nice place to live.
When we had good jobs and a nice place to live, I knew I would finally be happy when we had kids.
When we had kids, I knew I would finally be happy when they slept through the night and were potty trained...
...when they went to school...
...when they graduated from school...
...when they moved out and started lives of their own...
...when I reached my ideal weight...
...when I went back to my career...
...when the grandchildren came...
...when the grandchildren went back home...
...when retirement came...
...when...
Looking back on life, I never learned to be happy.
***OR***
When I was 12 I could still do kid stuff like climb trees, yet also discover lipstick.
When I was 16 my only concerns were what to wear, what grades I was getting, and whether that cute boy liked me. I had tons of energy, car keys, and a bright future.
When I was in college I lived carefree while my parents still paid many of the bills. I could do whatever I wanted and was accountable only to myself.
When I was a newlywed we had a small apartment, but it was all ours. We did silly romantic things and enjoyed discovering each other.
While we waited for kids we had wonderful opportunities to develop ourselves and our careers. We had nice things. We could go to the movies whenever we wanted without worrying about a sitter. We could travel, sleep in on Saturdays, and eat cold pizza for breakfast. As we struggled with ongoing infertility, we strengthened our marriage and learned a lot about how faith and prayer work.
When the kids finally came we had the chance to learn complete unselfishness. We traded nice furniture and sleep for original crayon art, peanut butter fingerprints, and plastic dishes. Our entertainment wasn't at the movie theater, but in the playpen.
As the kids grew we saw each personality emerge. We learned a lot about patience. We learned to worry less and laugh more with each child.
When the kids grew up and moved away, we rediscovered our marriage. We replaced the beat up furniture and indulged in white carpeting.
When the grandkids came, we became young again.
When retirement came, we served a mission together. We were glad to know that we could still be attracted to each other despite our wrinkles and creaky joints and dentures.
Looking back on life, we learned to be happy in every season.
I am not going to spend any more of my time wishing my life away. I am going to find happiness now, in what I do have. All good things and all the righteous desires of my heart will be met in the Lord's time and in the Lord's way.
Right now I have a beautiful new home in NC. I get to focus nearly all my energy on being the best music teacher I can be and building my career. I get to sleep in on Saturday and Sunday. Mark and I can go anywhere, eat anything, and just enjoy being together without the pressure of parenthood. So even though I want to be a parent more than anything, I will not be any happier then than I am right now because I am choosing to find joy in the life I currently live.
Monday, July 12, 2010
Heavy Arms
Who knew empty arms could be so heavy? I really felt it for the first time today in church watching all my sisters-in-law with their beautiful children. My arms actually felt heavy, like I couldn't lift them from my sides. They just hurt for a baby of my own.
It has been family reunion week. My family-in-law has been so sensitive about my infertility. They let me hold their babies and rock their babies to sleep. They do not talk about parenthood or pregnancy around me. They did one time and so I excused myself to go and read, and then one of them came and apologized to me. Even though that was not necessary, I very much appreciated their love and concern. They really are the best family I could have ever asked for.
And even though I got to hold and play with my beautiful nieces and nephews, it is just not quite the same. Because at the end of the day every child wants their mother, not an aunt/sister.
I am going to start more infertility treatment in September. Here's hoping...
It has been family reunion week. My family-in-law has been so sensitive about my infertility. They let me hold their babies and rock their babies to sleep. They do not talk about parenthood or pregnancy around me. They did one time and so I excused myself to go and read, and then one of them came and apologized to me. Even though that was not necessary, I very much appreciated their love and concern. They really are the best family I could have ever asked for.
And even though I got to hold and play with my beautiful nieces and nephews, it is just not quite the same. Because at the end of the day every child wants their mother, not an aunt/sister.
I am going to start more infertility treatment in September. Here's hoping...
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