Up until today there has been a HUGE part of me that has wanted to go back to work. I loved my job. I loved my students. And gosh darn it, I was a good teacher! I was GOOD at my job! I was happy there. I was fulfilled there. I had friends there. In a word my job was fabulous. So I think it is natural that I wanted to go back.
But last night I had an epiphany. I know it might sound so simple and you may ask yourself, "Why didn't she see that before? It is so obvious!" But I just didn't. Sometimes I think it is easier for us to see other people's problems and ways to fix them than it is to see our own. Anyway. I digress. Last night I had an epiphany and it was this: If I went back to work it wouldn't be the same. And this is why:
If I were to go back to work it wouldn't be the same post-baby as it was pre-baby. It is the pre-baby work life that I have been missing and longing for. But to what purpose? It is in my past. I can always enjoy the memories but it is time to let it go. If I were to go back to work it is not like I could put A. on pause and say "Okay buddy, stop growing and developing and living until I get off work okay?" and then when I got home from work just pick up where I left off. It doesn't work like that. I would miss so much of these early years if I went back to work. I would miss milestones. I would constantly be longing to be with him. I would be doing a half-hearted job at work and feeling guilty about that at home while at the same time feeling guilty at work that I wasn't at home. Messy. As a good friend of mine said when she made the decision to be a SAHM after working the first year of her son's life: I am a perfectionist. I couldn't be a 100% teacher and a 100% mom and I hated that. So now I am choosing to be a 100% mom.
That is my choice too. And now that I have realized that what I was longing for in my future was the past, I can let it go! I can move forward into my new and bright future and always treasure the memories that are Reidsville while enjoying the present that is my son.
2 comments:
100% teacher or 100% mom but not both. I love that. I think you are a wonderful mom already. :) I think you are making the best decision! And as your little guy grows and develops and you are able to witness everything he goes through, you will realize it more and more. I can't even begin to tell you how fun it keeps getting. Not much easier, I don't think being a mom ever really gets "easy" but just more fun everyday and every new stage in their life. I'm sure those feeling will fade with time. And if not, you can always decide to go back to teaching if you really do miss it. That's the great thing about life. We can always change. Multiple times I have thought about starting up a studio and teaching voice but I'm having too much fun just being a mom! And if it's not super necessary for our financial situation, I'd rather just keep playing with my girl every day. hehe..
I think you are making a great choice. The fact is, if you are spending 40 hours a week at work, you aren't spending those 40 hours a week with your kid. I know not everybody can or wants to be a stay at home mom, but I think everybody should take advantage of the opportunity while they can.
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