I miss my dad today. I just have some questions about life and certain situations and I wish with all my heart that my dad were here so I could get some advice.
I suppose if there is anything I have learned as an adult person it is that adults certainly don't know everything. But they do know a LOT. And I still think my dad would have all the answers if he were here. I just miss him!
His birthday is on Friday. I wish I could be shopping on Amazon for some awesome gift to give him. I wish I could call him and sing him the birthday song in a very silly way. I just wish he were still around.
And I miss my sister too. I miss her funny sense of humor. I miss her matter-of-fact way of saying things but also being super loving and understanding at the same time. I just miss her.
I have to believe there is more to our existence than just this life. I have to believe that I will see them both again someday because thinking the opposite is just too hard.
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
Sunday, April 14, 2013
Austin's 12 Month (WHAT?!) Update
My baby is one. ONE!!! When did that happen? How is it possible that one year ago today I was lying in the hospital with an hours old infant in my arms?
One of my fondest memories from the hospital was our second night there. Mark was sound asleep and Austin had just started to cry. I nursed him and then we both fell asleep while he laid on my chest in the cool darkness of the hospital. Wow. One whole year ago.
Austin has grown immeasurably. I just can't believe what a difference a year makes.
His favorite books are The Very Hungry Caterpillar and Pat the Bunny andMoo, Baa, La la la.
He loves Hot Wheels cars. He loves them. We got him a set for his birthday and he can't get enough of them.
He can crawl up the stairs so we now have a baby gate in place. He is just now starting to cruise along furniture... usually in pursuit of a remote control or our cell phones :)
Austing LOVES Moses (our cat). I can't say Moses feels the same. Austin loves to smack Moses and pull his tail. We are trying to teach him to "be soft!" Moses is pretty tolerant until Austin shrieks for joy and then Moses usually makes a hasty retreat. Dear Moses :)
Austin loves to play little games. His favorite is "Sooooooooo Big!" He also loves to play Peek-A-Boo, Patty-Cakes, and give high fives.
His favorite foods include yogurt, waffles, strawberries, cheese puffs, and animal crackers.
He is a babbler. "Mamamamamama" and "Dadadadadadada" are his two most frequent sounds but I am pretty sure they still don't mean anything yet.
Austin hates getting his diaper changed. It has happened quite suddenly. The minute you walk over to him with the changing pad and dry diaper he will either start to cry and crawl away from you or start shrieking. Poor kid. I hope he gets over that soon! He has lots of diapers yet to be changed :)
Austin's smile is as charming as ever. He is such a cutie. He already has his mom and dad wrapped around his little finger! I asked Mark, "How is it possible that he already knows how to manipulate us! Little Stinker! How did we know how to do it to our parents?!" Mark said it was evolutionary so that we keep him around instead of feeding him to the bears :)
I love my little sweetheart. I can't believe it has been one whole year. It has been the best year of my life. I thought I loved him the day he was born but my love for him has just continued to grow and deepen over this last year. He is the light of my life. I love him more than life itself. Happy Birthday my dearest child. You mean more to me than you will ever know. I love you.
One of my fondest memories from the hospital was our second night there. Mark was sound asleep and Austin had just started to cry. I nursed him and then we both fell asleep while he laid on my chest in the cool darkness of the hospital. Wow. One whole year ago.
Austin has grown immeasurably. I just can't believe what a difference a year makes.
His favorite books are The Very Hungry Caterpillar and Pat the Bunny andMoo, Baa, La la la.
He loves Hot Wheels cars. He loves them. We got him a set for his birthday and he can't get enough of them.
He can crawl up the stairs so we now have a baby gate in place. He is just now starting to cruise along furniture... usually in pursuit of a remote control or our cell phones :)
Austing LOVES Moses (our cat). I can't say Moses feels the same. Austin loves to smack Moses and pull his tail. We are trying to teach him to "be soft!" Moses is pretty tolerant until Austin shrieks for joy and then Moses usually makes a hasty retreat. Dear Moses :)
Austin loves to play little games. His favorite is "Sooooooooo Big!" He also loves to play Peek-A-Boo, Patty-Cakes, and give high fives.
His favorite foods include yogurt, waffles, strawberries, cheese puffs, and animal crackers.
He is a babbler. "Mamamamamama" and "Dadadadadadada" are his two most frequent sounds but I am pretty sure they still don't mean anything yet.
Austin hates getting his diaper changed. It has happened quite suddenly. The minute you walk over to him with the changing pad and dry diaper he will either start to cry and crawl away from you or start shrieking. Poor kid. I hope he gets over that soon! He has lots of diapers yet to be changed :)
Austin's smile is as charming as ever. He is such a cutie. He already has his mom and dad wrapped around his little finger! I asked Mark, "How is it possible that he already knows how to manipulate us! Little Stinker! How did we know how to do it to our parents?!" Mark said it was evolutionary so that we keep him around instead of feeding him to the bears :)
I love my little sweetheart. I can't believe it has been one whole year. It has been the best year of my life. I thought I loved him the day he was born but my love for him has just continued to grow and deepen over this last year. He is the light of my life. I love him more than life itself. Happy Birthday my dearest child. You mean more to me than you will ever know. I love you.
Sunday, April 7, 2013
Choosing to Believe
I am happy. I am peaceful. I have chosen to believe in God, my Heavenly Father. I have chosen to believe in Jesus Christ. I have chosen to worship Them in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I know this is the church they want me to be in. I know this is the way they want me to worship them.
I invite all my friends and family members to look into my church and beliefs at mormon.org. This church has brought me much joy and a fantastic relationship with God. Bring your beliefs and see what my church has to add to them.
I love Jesus Christ and I love Heavenly Father and I am thankful I have made the choice to believe.
Never before in my life have I realized that belief truly is a choice. It is not something you simply feel with your heart. It is something you have to choose with your mind. In my quest for faith I have been challenged by many scientific and social studies that do not support the idea of a creator. I do not dismiss those studies. There are many that are plausible and sensible and (I believe) right. But I no longer choose to let them disturb my faith. I have chosen to dismiss my doubt and let my faith live in my heart. But I need to be clear: it was a choice. I have chosen the story by which I am going to live my life.
I believe in God. I believe we do not know all things yet. Neither science nor faith can answer all questions. I believe that someday God will answer all questions but that day is not today.
I LOVE my faith. I love my God. I feel joy and light and right in my heart because of my choice.
I invite all my friends and family members to look into my church and beliefs at mormon.org. This church has brought me much joy and a fantastic relationship with God. Bring your beliefs and see what my church has to add to them.
I love Jesus Christ and I love Heavenly Father and I am thankful I have made the choice to believe.
Never before in my life have I realized that belief truly is a choice. It is not something you simply feel with your heart. It is something you have to choose with your mind. In my quest for faith I have been challenged by many scientific and social studies that do not support the idea of a creator. I do not dismiss those studies. There are many that are plausible and sensible and (I believe) right. But I no longer choose to let them disturb my faith. I have chosen to dismiss my doubt and let my faith live in my heart. But I need to be clear: it was a choice. I have chosen the story by which I am going to live my life.
I believe in God. I believe we do not know all things yet. Neither science nor faith can answer all questions. I believe that someday God will answer all questions but that day is not today.
I LOVE my faith. I love my God. I feel joy and light and right in my heart because of my choice.
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
Austin's 11 Month Update
My baby is 11 months old. He is almost not a baby anymore! Toddlerhood will soon be upon us. Oh how I love my boy. He is the light of my life.
What to say... what to say...
Let's see.
At 11 months Austin definitely has stranger anxiety. Anytime he is passed off to someone he doesn't know he screams his head off. Poor guy. I have to admit that it does make me feel just a *little* bit awesome inside knowing that he loves me and trusts me more than anyone else in the world. The only place I can leave him without him crying is the YMCA. He has been going there several times a week since he was 3 months old and is pretty familiar with the facility and the ladies who watch the children. He loves them.
At 11 months Austin is showing affinity for two blankets. They are the first items he has shown any real attachment to. He loves the football blanket I made for him. I love that that is one of his favorites :) And he loves this fuzzy jungle blanket that I got from someone... wish I could remember who!
His favorite book is "Moo, Baa, La La La" by Sandra Boynton. He just sits there and lets me read it to him over and over without getting bored or trying to turn the pages or reaching for another book. It is so cute.
At 11 months Austin can finally crawl. He has been army crawling for months. And he was so darn good at it that he just didn't feel the need to crawl for real on his hands and knees. He actually started pulling himself up onto furniture and our legs and the stairs before he started crawling for real. Speaking of which, he is a champ at that. It started around 10 months. He pulls himself up on to everything!
His favorite item to pull himself up next to is the piano. He can finally reach the keys :) He loves to pull himself up and reach as high as he can and push the keys down. He is a little musician already. I love it.
Austin loves to each cheese puffs. They are definitely his favorite snack. His favorite food is still yogurt. That kid loves yogurt. Some of the new foods he has had lately that he loves include strawberries and waffles. He still has only two teeth so solid foods are still a challenge, but he definitely makes the best of the teeth he has and just gums everything else to death.
Austin still has a very contagious laugh and a very contagious smile. I live for the smiles he gives. He is such a happy boy.
He is a very, very curious boy and loves to just crawl around and get his little hands into everything. He still loves to bang toys together and on the ground. One thing he has developed and interest in recently is button pushing. He LOVES to push any buttons he can find: computer keys, tv buttons, remotes. You name it-- as long as it has buttons he loves to push them!
Austin is a back archer. Yep. A back. Archer. If that kid doesn't want to be put down/into his carseat/into his crib he arches his back and just lets you have an earful. I just have to tickle his belly and he gives in although the crying usually doesn't stop :)
Oh how I love my boy. I couldn't imagine my life without him. He is such a little light in this house. I still look in on him every single night before I go to bed just to make sure he is real and that my life is real and that I am really his mom. It is the best job in the world.
What to say... what to say...
Let's see.
At 11 months Austin definitely has stranger anxiety. Anytime he is passed off to someone he doesn't know he screams his head off. Poor guy. I have to admit that it does make me feel just a *little* bit awesome inside knowing that he loves me and trusts me more than anyone else in the world. The only place I can leave him without him crying is the YMCA. He has been going there several times a week since he was 3 months old and is pretty familiar with the facility and the ladies who watch the children. He loves them.
At 11 months Austin is showing affinity for two blankets. They are the first items he has shown any real attachment to. He loves the football blanket I made for him. I love that that is one of his favorites :) And he loves this fuzzy jungle blanket that I got from someone... wish I could remember who!
His favorite book is "Moo, Baa, La La La" by Sandra Boynton. He just sits there and lets me read it to him over and over without getting bored or trying to turn the pages or reaching for another book. It is so cute.
At 11 months Austin can finally crawl. He has been army crawling for months. And he was so darn good at it that he just didn't feel the need to crawl for real on his hands and knees. He actually started pulling himself up onto furniture and our legs and the stairs before he started crawling for real. Speaking of which, he is a champ at that. It started around 10 months. He pulls himself up on to everything!
His favorite item to pull himself up next to is the piano. He can finally reach the keys :) He loves to pull himself up and reach as high as he can and push the keys down. He is a little musician already. I love it.
Austin loves to each cheese puffs. They are definitely his favorite snack. His favorite food is still yogurt. That kid loves yogurt. Some of the new foods he has had lately that he loves include strawberries and waffles. He still has only two teeth so solid foods are still a challenge, but he definitely makes the best of the teeth he has and just gums everything else to death.
Austin still has a very contagious laugh and a very contagious smile. I live for the smiles he gives. He is such a happy boy.
He is a very, very curious boy and loves to just crawl around and get his little hands into everything. He still loves to bang toys together and on the ground. One thing he has developed and interest in recently is button pushing. He LOVES to push any buttons he can find: computer keys, tv buttons, remotes. You name it-- as long as it has buttons he loves to push them!
Austin is a back archer. Yep. A back. Archer. If that kid doesn't want to be put down/into his carseat/into his crib he arches his back and just lets you have an earful. I just have to tickle his belly and he gives in although the crying usually doesn't stop :)
Oh how I love my boy. I couldn't imagine my life without him. He is such a little light in this house. I still look in on him every single night before I go to bed just to make sure he is real and that my life is real and that I am really his mom. It is the best job in the world.
Friday, March 15, 2013
Thoughts About Weight
Giving up is easy.
Weight loss is mental. You have to want it more than you want to eat a cupcake instead of a veggie. You have to want it more than you want to sit on the couch instead of go to the gym.
Weakness can be made a strength.
God wants you to feel peace. Being peaceful is his commandment. It is ok to feel peaceful.
Write yourself a letter of encouragement. Take a picture of yourself in your underwear and do before and after pictures. YOU CAN DO THIS.
Does eating feel better than having a good body image? Than being healthy?
Weight loss is mental. You have to want it more than you want to eat a cupcake instead of a veggie. You have to want it more than you want to sit on the couch instead of go to the gym.
Weakness can be made a strength.
God wants you to feel peace. Being peaceful is his commandment. It is ok to feel peaceful.
Write yourself a letter of encouragement. Take a picture of yourself in your underwear and do before and after pictures. YOU CAN DO THIS.
Does eating feel better than having a good body image? Than being healthy?
Sunday, March 10, 2013
My Friend Tiffany
I have a friend. Her name is Tiffany. (Geez! I look so young in this picture! She still looks the same :)
She and I went to Mexico on a study abroad together. She is an awesome girl. After our study abroad she served a mission. She married an awesome guy in the temple. She got a degree in Communications from BYU. She is a talented musician and also a talented photographer. She is just awesome.
Now Tiffany and Walt are ready to start their family. And they are choosing to do it through adoption. They have a medical condition that does not make it possible for their children to come to them biologically. But of course that is not the only way to grow your family! Their children will come to them through adoption. As we all know it doesn't matter if you grow a child in your belly or in your heart. Your child is your child. Heavenly Father has a plan for Tiffany and Walt and their children and a plan for the birth families of their children. They will just have to come together in a less traditional way. It is still an awesome way though.
Adoption is so much about word of mouth. My friend Emily and her husband Richard just welcomed their first child into their family through the miracle of adoption last month, and it was through word of mouth that their daughter's birth family found them! Someone knew someone who knew them. So it is powerful!
Please, if you could go to their blog here -- Be a Part of Our Loving Family -- and grab their button and add it to your own blog that would be awesome. Or maybe you could write a post about them. Or maybe you know of someone who is considering adoption and you could send them to Tiffany and Walt's webpage. Anything. I know that Tiffany and Walt would be so thankful and that their future family will be so thankful too :)
Doesn't she just look like a woman who would be the perfect mom? This is her with her sister's first baby.
Here she is with her husband:
Please share their story and help them on their journey to find their family through adoption!
She and I went to Mexico on a study abroad together. She is an awesome girl. After our study abroad she served a mission. She married an awesome guy in the temple. She got a degree in Communications from BYU. She is a talented musician and also a talented photographer. She is just awesome.
Now Tiffany and Walt are ready to start their family. And they are choosing to do it through adoption. They have a medical condition that does not make it possible for their children to come to them biologically. But of course that is not the only way to grow your family! Their children will come to them through adoption. As we all know it doesn't matter if you grow a child in your belly or in your heart. Your child is your child. Heavenly Father has a plan for Tiffany and Walt and their children and a plan for the birth families of their children. They will just have to come together in a less traditional way. It is still an awesome way though.
Adoption is so much about word of mouth. My friend Emily and her husband Richard just welcomed their first child into their family through the miracle of adoption last month, and it was through word of mouth that their daughter's birth family found them! Someone knew someone who knew them. So it is powerful!
Please, if you could go to their blog here -- Be a Part of Our Loving Family -- and grab their button and add it to your own blog that would be awesome. Or maybe you could write a post about them. Or maybe you know of someone who is considering adoption and you could send them to Tiffany and Walt's webpage. Anything. I know that Tiffany and Walt would be so thankful and that their future family will be so thankful too :)
Doesn't she just look like a woman who would be the perfect mom? This is her with her sister's first baby.
Here she is with her husband:
Please share their story and help them on their journey to find their family through adoption!
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
Until I Mean It
My brother-in-law is engaged. I am happy for him.
But I am not happy. I miss my sister so badly. I want to be a part of the lives of her daughters in a meaningful way because they are all I have left of her. But I don't know how to do it.
I have so many feelings swirling around inside of me but mostly I think I am sad and scared. I am sad because my sister is dead, and I miss her more than I ever imagined possible. I am sad because I don't feel like I will get to be a meaningful part of the lives of her children like I had planned on. I am sad because I can't swap parenting stories with her anymore. I am scared because I am afraid they will never know her or me because our connection will wither up and fade away as her death becomes a distant memory for me (and disappears entirely for her daughters). I am just... not happy.
I was angry for a little while too. But the anger is difficult to describe. I am not angry with my brother-in-law for moving on with his life. I think moving on is the best thing for him and also for his daughters. They need a woman in their life. I wish it could be me but that isn't possible. *sigh* I think I am just angry that my sister is gone. And her absence is aggravated by the fact that my brother-in-law is getting married again (and pretty soon too...)
I really want to make contact with his new fiancee because I feel like that is the best way for me to stay in touch with him and my nieces. But I have no idea how to go about it. I'll just be honest: it is kind of strange to call my brother-in-law. I always contacted him through my sister. I mean I love him. He is a good man. But a relationship over the phone? Probably not really going to happen... So I really feel the need to contact his fiancee. But like I said: I have no idea how to go about doing that.
So in the midst of this storm of emotion I have talked it out with a few good friends and family members. And I felt really guilty for feeling the things I was feeling. In fact I still feel a little guilty. But as I was talking it out with a friend the words "I just don't want to say 'Congratulations' until I mean it" came out of my mouth and I felt like I had my answer. And my answer is to just wait. I know I can't and shouldn't wait interminably. That might sound rude. My brother has already reached out to her. But I am not ready right now. And I don't have to be. I also don't know how to reach out. I don't know what to say or what to do. Heavenly Father understands that. And while talking with my friend he gave me my answer.
I think eventually in my heart of hearts I will be genuinely happy for my brother-in-law and his fiancee. Who knows, maybe we will become friends. I think I would like that. But until that moment arrives I am going to hold my peace until I can say "Congratulations. I wish you all the best" and really mean it.
*UPDATE*
I did it. I contacted her. And when I said "Congratulations" I meant it. And I feel like my sister is smiling down on me saying "Good for you Mand. She is a great girl. She is the right person." It is a wonderful feeling.
*UPDATE #2*
I have emailed back and forth with her a few times now. My brother-in-law's fiance is amazing. She is so loving and understanding. She wrote me the most beautiful e-mail and I feel like she was truly inspired while she was writing it. She said some things that I really needed to hear. I can honestly say there is no one I would rather have as a mother to my sister's kids. She is a remarkable person and will be a great influence for good in their lives. I am looking forward to many years of communication with her.
But I am not happy. I miss my sister so badly. I want to be a part of the lives of her daughters in a meaningful way because they are all I have left of her. But I don't know how to do it.
I have so many feelings swirling around inside of me but mostly I think I am sad and scared. I am sad because my sister is dead, and I miss her more than I ever imagined possible. I am sad because I don't feel like I will get to be a meaningful part of the lives of her children like I had planned on. I am sad because I can't swap parenting stories with her anymore. I am scared because I am afraid they will never know her or me because our connection will wither up and fade away as her death becomes a distant memory for me (and disappears entirely for her daughters). I am just... not happy.
I was angry for a little while too. But the anger is difficult to describe. I am not angry with my brother-in-law for moving on with his life. I think moving on is the best thing for him and also for his daughters. They need a woman in their life. I wish it could be me but that isn't possible. *sigh* I think I am just angry that my sister is gone. And her absence is aggravated by the fact that my brother-in-law is getting married again (and pretty soon too...)
I really want to make contact with his new fiancee because I feel like that is the best way for me to stay in touch with him and my nieces. But I have no idea how to go about it. I'll just be honest: it is kind of strange to call my brother-in-law. I always contacted him through my sister. I mean I love him. He is a good man. But a relationship over the phone? Probably not really going to happen... So I really feel the need to contact his fiancee. But like I said: I have no idea how to go about doing that.
So in the midst of this storm of emotion I have talked it out with a few good friends and family members. And I felt really guilty for feeling the things I was feeling. In fact I still feel a little guilty. But as I was talking it out with a friend the words "I just don't want to say 'Congratulations' until I mean it" came out of my mouth and I felt like I had my answer. And my answer is to just wait. I know I can't and shouldn't wait interminably. That might sound rude. My brother has already reached out to her. But I am not ready right now. And I don't have to be. I also don't know how to reach out. I don't know what to say or what to do. Heavenly Father understands that. And while talking with my friend he gave me my answer.
I think eventually in my heart of hearts I will be genuinely happy for my brother-in-law and his fiancee. Who knows, maybe we will become friends. I think I would like that. But until that moment arrives I am going to hold my peace until I can say "Congratulations. I wish you all the best" and really mean it.
*UPDATE*
I did it. I contacted her. And when I said "Congratulations" I meant it. And I feel like my sister is smiling down on me saying "Good for you Mand. She is a great girl. She is the right person." It is a wonderful feeling.
*UPDATE #2*
I have emailed back and forth with her a few times now. My brother-in-law's fiance is amazing. She is so loving and understanding. She wrote me the most beautiful e-mail and I feel like she was truly inspired while she was writing it. She said some things that I really needed to hear. I can honestly say there is no one I would rather have as a mother to my sister's kids. She is a remarkable person and will be a great influence for good in their lives. I am looking forward to many years of communication with her.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)