It's Nothing Personal... I hope.

Another kid just quit chorus. And I have to say that if I was in that class I would quit too. But it is disheartening. It makes me feel like I am a terrible teacher because I can't instill in them a love of music. I feel like a terrible teacher because my program is not growing. It is shrinking! (Ok... that is a bit dramatic. I doubled the amount of 7th graders this year from the amount of 7th graders I had last year) Someone once told me that there is always ebb and flow in music programs. Some years are good and some years are not as good.

Bad Teacher Day

Today wasn't the greatest day. In order to keep functioning I need to not focus on what went wrong but try to focus on what went right:

• All my classes went to their seats quickly. We did this activity yesterday where they raced against their own times to get in their seats quickly and today I reminded them of it before the came in. It worked like a charm.
• My second sixth grade elective (while very small) is holding their own and had a good time singing the high notes "like Mariah Carey" today
• My seventh grade boys enjoyed their voice testing and were rocking out to one of the songs we will be singing in their class
• My first eighth grade elective is just awesome. The boys sound GOOD. I can't believe it. I am so proud of them. 
• My students were able to understand the markings in their scores today and even wrote some of their own in. 

Things that went wrong:

• I cannot, for the life of me, engage my last eighth grade class. I don't know what their (or my) problem is. I feel like the worst teacher in the world.
• My seventh grade girls class shrunk by 10 and even though they are still singing loudly, they are not quite as good. I lost a ton of students this semester due to scheduling conflicts. It is actually really depressing. 
• I don't feel like I picked out very good music for my classes. Or is it just my perception of them and the music? Is it always like this while they are still learning a song? Do they even have to like all the music or is it good for them to branch out?
• My students seem bored when I am trying to teach them the music. Am I a boring teacher? 
• I have a student (who I loved last year) who has no respect for me. She thinks I am a)an idiot b)ridiculous c) she is smarter than me. I remember thinking that about some of my teachers. Shame on me. I guess I am getting it back now. Karma. I swear I wasn't as disrespectful as she is though. She is in 8th grade. I know it is part of the age. But she has had a real attitude problem this year and nothing I can do or say will work it out with her. I couldn't have imagined myself saying this about her last year, but I am thankful she will be out of middle school next year. 

*sigh* Being pregnant and teaching is a lot harder than I thought it would be. I am so emotional. It is really hard not to overreact to certain situations. I think I do okay for the most part. In fact, I never yell or loose my temper. But inside I feel terrible. I just can't seem to see things clearly. It is probably because I am so focused on other things. I need to let that be okay. 

There are lots of things I need to let be okay. I need to let it be okay that my program is smaller this semester than last semester. I need to let it be okay that there are just some students who I will not ever reach. I need to let it be okay that I am not the best. I need to let it be okay that I am still learning my trade. I need to let it be okay. I just do. I am going to pray that I can let it be okay. Because I can't let it be okay by myself these days. I am just too emotional. 

I Can Do This

I can do this. I can be pregnant. I can suffer from anxiety. I can still get everything done. I can still be a good teacher, even if I am not perfect. I can find the motivation to get my maternity plans done. I can find time to exercise. I can control what I eat and how much water I drink. I can control myself in front of my classes.

Anxiety

Let me just start by saying that I am so thankful to be pregnant. I am so thankful I get to be a mother. It is one of the biggest blessings I have ever been given. That being said, I always knew it deep down but being pregnant is not always easy. I rarely, if ever, complain because I am so happy to be pregnant! But I need to complain just a little.

I am having the worst anxiety. I have not had anxiety like this in years. And it feels terrible. I can't pinpoint exactly what it is that is making me anxious either, so I am just going to assume that it is being pregnant that is making me super anxious. Things that I would normally be able to handle I find myself getting really worked up over and super stressed out about. It does not feel good. 

I mean, I sit down and list out all the things I think are stressing me out. And I know that by looking at that list I should be able to manage everything. It really isn't anything more or less than I dealt with last year (work). But for some reason it seems so much more insurmountable this year. Is it because I am crazy with hormones and I just can't see clearly? That is the only thing I can think of. Do I need to get help? Is there help available? I am going to ask my doctor tomorrow. I just don't know if I can handle this sort of anxiety without some help and guidance for the next three months.

I know it is vain to assume people read this blog, but if you do, what do you do when you feel like this? If you have children, did you ever feel like this during your pregnancy? Any advice/help would be greatly appreciated. 

A New Sense of (Off) Balance

I finally feel a little off balance. And I couldn't be happier! I am nearly six months pregnant and I have stayed pretty small up to this point. I am finally growing large enough that I feel a little off balance. I feel like I am swaying my back and so I go to adjust my standing position and I find that there is really nothing I can do. I am not swaying my back, my center of gravity is just changing. It makes me feel so happy and peaceful! I have never been so glad to be off balance in my life. It means that my son is growing and healthy. I always look forward to each doctor's visit to confirm that everything is going well. I have one in just a couple of days and I can't wait to hear his little heart beating again.

He has been moving around a lot more these days. Or he is just strong enough that I feel it a lot more. I can even see it sometimes with my eyes. I saw it for the first time on December 21 when I was in the airplane somewhere between Nashville and Phoenix. It was so awesome.

I am so excited for Austin to join the family. He even has a homemade felt stocking made to match his dad's made by his Grandma Van Gesen. I should have taken a picture to share but I forgot before we packed up all the Christmas things. I guess it will make its first appearance later. Just like its owner!

I am excited for April 16, or thereabouts, to arrive and with it my boy. But I am enjoying this pregnancy. I don't know when or if I will have another one so I want to treasure every single minute!

Insomnia

I just declined to participate in the sixth grade all county, so that makes me feel better.

I am so anxious about the after school glee club. I just don't know what to do. What I REALLY want to do is cancel it. Just like I did to the 8th grade trip. Which was the best decision I have made all year. But I feel so bad about disappointing those kids. They were so looking forward to it. I was too! But I really think what I need to do for my own sanity is cancel it. If I didn't have all-county to worry about I would go ahead with it. But I am about to the point where I am going to cancel it. Even two days a week is too much. Is it a bad time to decide this? So far from home? I am going to cancel it. The first week of school. I am just going to have Mr. Royster say "Due to unforseen circumstances Mrs. Bailey has to cancel Glee Club for the remainder of the school year." Those circumstances are severe anxiety and sleeplessness that accompany pregnancy. I just need to be at home so I can take care of myself, my baby, and my husband. There. I think I have decided. But just when I have decided I feel so bad about it! Ugh. It is a loose, loose situation.

Emotional

You know, if there is one thing about being pregnant it is that I feel really emotional these days. Things just upset me more than they used to.

I have had the worst break. It started off badly. I got sick. Then, on my way up to Snowflake I got stuck in Globe because of bad weather. Then Mark got really sick and I had to take care of him.

Christmas day was nice. It was really peaceful and restful. The only thing I didn't like was that I probably had too much candy. There have been nice moments, but I just keep thinking about school and work. I don't know why I can't seem to put it all behind me.

I have been really aggravated this break for the most part. Being with my in-laws most of the time has been incredibly stressful. I wish we were not staying for so long and I am so thankful I will have one day in Winston and then a teacher work-day before I have to go back to work. In some ways I am looking forward to work as a break from my holiday! I just wish this holiday felt more restful. I got in a huge fight with Mark today. I am so frustrated with how he always acts when we are in Snowflake. It is like he reverts back to his old self, his boyhood self, and puts me second instead of first. I know his logic is something like "Well, I see Amanda all the time and I hardly ever see my family so I am going to make the most of this time with my family." But he doesn't really include me in that time. It is very frustrating and he doesn't understand where my frustration comes from. I guess I was just expecting it to be different this year and it hasn't been. Plus I am really emotional and needy because I am pregnant. But I am looking forward to going back to North Carolina and getting back into a routine. Two weeks is not long enough of a break for the break I have had. It just has not been restful. I need to try and change my mind in the next few days or it is going to be on hell of a semester before I go out for maternity leave.

I have not felt like myself. I have not felt happy. I have not felt peaceful. I have not felt relaxed. I am spending the night away from Mark. That is how upset I am. He is staying at his house and I am staying at mine. Mature right? I asked him if he wanted to stay here with me and he said "I'll think about it and call you later okay?" NO! Of COURSE it isn't okay! He should not need to think about whether or not he is going to spend the night with his wife or with his family. I was furious. I told him not to bother and I will just see him tomorrow sometime. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

I am really worried and anxious about the following things:

• Getting lesson plans ready for my maternity leave
• Not feeling rested before school starts again

I guess that is pretty much all. I have only six more days before I see students again. But maybe it will be good for me. I have had this feeling before. This feeling where it can go either way depending on how I feel or how I act (or react as the case may be). I feel like I can choose for it to be a good thing to go back to work or a really stressful thing. I want to choose for it to be a good thing but I think that will be much harder than choosing to be bitter and depressed about being in Snowflake and being cranky about going back to work.

My mom calls this a learning experience. Maybe she is right. I have had moments of peacefulness and happiness here. But they have been few and far between compared to the bad moments. At least Christmas day and the day after Christmas was nice. And it was really nice to see David and Emily today. They made us guardians of their son in case anything happens to him. I am so honored. They also named their son after Mark. His name is John Mark McCleve. Isn't that just beautiful? I love their boy too. We met him and he likes me :) It has been fun talking to my mom. We haven't had any fights since we have been here and she has put up with my moodiness beautifully. I went to the temple and it was really beautiful and nice inside. Mark didn't bring his stuff and got a too small robe so he wasn't keen on staying, which was annoying. *sigh* I am just annoyed and aggraveted with him today. But this is my paragraph about nice things. Tomorrow I am going to see my cousin Amy. I am really excited. I haven't seen her in a year. She has a new little boy! I am excited to meet Jaxon. The starts here are beautiful. I have not see the milky way in a long time and it was out in all its glory last night. We had a white christmas. Snow is overrated, but it was beautiful. The sky is as awesome as ever. I definitely want to come back to the west where there are no trees. I called both my brother and my sister on Christmas day and they both answered their phones. I got to talk to Liz for 20 minutes and Danny for 35 minutes. I miss them both very much and wish I could have spent some time with them this break. My mom has been helping me make this AWESOME stocking for Austin for Christmas next year. It is being made to match Mark's. I love it so far. We have the hardest part still to do, but it is going to be amazing in the end. My mom is awesome. She is so patient. I hope I can be more like her someday. I mean, some of the things she does bother me of course and I wouldn't choose to do them, but they are the little things that don't really matter. In all of the important areas of my life I want to be just like her. She is the best mom ever. It will be a lifetime of work for me to become like that. So you see, I guess not all of the break has been bad. I have done a few really great things. I did get to spend one night in this really awesome hotel with Mark in Phoenix the night I flew in. We went to breakfast at IHOP and drove around Phoenix together and did some shopping and got all our Christmas things done. And even thought it was annoying to have to stay in Globe, we did get to listen to Christmas music and finish our Christmas cards to our family members while were there together and watch Toy Story. That was fun. I also won Dominion when we played as a family. I have never won before and it was awesome. The Christmas program at the Bailey's was really nice. Every family shared some musical talent (except me. I read a story to the children instead). It was really beautiful. Then the children dressed up as the nativity and Dad Bailey read the story out of Luke 2. It was really lovely.

My conscience is telling me that part of the reason I am so cranky and upset is because I haven't said my personal prayers or read my scriptures in over a week. And that is true. I haven't. I probably should. I know it makes my life better. I would like to make some new year's resolutions too. Not very many, just a couple. I have never been really successful with them, but it doesn't hurt to try. I am ready for my birthday and Valentine's day. I am ready for Spring. I am ready for my sweet baby to arrive safely. I am ready to be a better person in 2012 than I was in 2011. I should start by calling my husband. But I might give myself a couple of hours. I am just not quite ready yet...