Tuesday, May 11, 2010
I'll Cry if I Want To
This has been a hard week. A harder week in fact than last week even was. Now that it is all over I just feel empty and depressed. I have cried every single day. I can't find a job in North Carolina. My biggest fear is just that I'll be stuck at home for a few months trying to find a job and thinking about how far along I should be. I hate this. I hate that I have to wait for this. I am not feeling faithful. I am not feeling patient. I am feeling forgotten and barren and hopeless. I am not feeling brave. I am feeling scared. It was the worst Mother's Day ever. Health insurance costs a fortune. Infertility costs a fortune. We might have to wait until Mark is done with medical school or even residency. I don't want to wait that long. I don't want to wait at all. But I have to wait. I debated about whether or not to put this on a blog because it is not positive or uplifting. But it is my blog and I'll cry if I want to. And maybe it is good for people to know how painful and heartbreaking infertility is.
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2 comments:
Amanda,
I'm glad you wrote this. Sometimes I worry about not putting uplifting things up on my blog too but in the end I usually feel better after I vent a little about it and after I know that people will read it and know that I'm hurting. So, I say go for it! Write when you're feeling down!
I'm so sorry you're hurting. I love that you put that quote above this post though. I know you do have faith, even though you may not feel like it sometimes. I know you'll have your children someday, when the time is right. And it will be wonderful. And you will love them and appreciate the hard days of parenting so much more because of all you've gone through. And someday, hopefully sooner rather than later, we will rejoice together.
I love you. Keep the faith. Remember eventually. You are and will be a mother.
Dear Amanda, It is okay to cry. I'm sorry you're hurting. I met a lady at the Gila Valley Temple who commented about Jacob when I was holding him. She said to love him because babies are so valuable. She was only able to have two--many years apart after lots of miscarriages. I told her about your loss and her comment was, "When she has her babies, she will really appreciate them after the challenges she is having." Maybe you could volunteer at a hospital in the children's ward or at the training school in AF to help fill some of the long hours. I love you and Mark, Amanda, and pray that you will find peace and happiness at this very difficult time.
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