Changing my plans... for now

Mark and I finally got pregnant. We have been trying since we got married over two and half years ago. That doesn't seem that long but sometimes it felt long. I always tried to keep it in perspective. I would say the following to myself: I am still really young; God has a plan for our family; My children won't come one second before they are supposed be here. I tried (and mostly succeeded!) not to be jealous of those women who would announce their pregnancy during the good news minute at church one month after they got married. It happens a lot in a BYU married student ward. During that time I would say to myself "Amanda, someday you'll be able to do that too, just not right now." I did not waste my time in being jealous. Children are not a commodity. It is not like if God blesses so-and-so with children that means there are fewer children for me to have. It is not like that at all. I thought I would have to wait a few more years before I could get pregnant. I never wanted to get my hopes up but I didn't forget them either. I was always hoping. So when my doctor had me take a pregnancy test that came back positive I was in shock. I thought it was perfect timing. Mark is going to medical school, I just graduated, and we are moving across the country. Mark and I started choosing names if it was a boy or a girl. We started looking at baby stuff. We started dreaming of what it would be like to be parents and what it would be like for Mark to have a family while he was in medical school. We were so happy. There was always a little nagging fear about miscarriage but I never paid any attention to it. I would say to myself "Well, don't mourn a loss that hasn't happened yet." And I'm glad we dreamed. And I'm glad I didn't mourn. And I'm glad I was pregnant at all, even if it was just for a couple of months. But now I'm mourning. And Mark is mourning too. And it is really hard. I lost the pregnancy at ten weeks. I feel like a great big piece of myself is missing and now the space where my dream about impending motherhood was just aches and aches. Mark is sadder than I have ever seen him and it breaks my heart. Because of my problems with infertility we don't know how soon we'll be able to get pregnant again. Sometimes I just don't like my body. Why doesn't it work right? I guess I'll have to wait until I meet my Heavenly Father before that gets answered. I am sure it is because I have something to learn. I wish I could just learn it and get it over with and start my family. But God's timing is perfect. This just is not a good time for us to have children I guess. It is too late for me to see any doctors here and we won't be able to afford to see any doctors in North Carolina until I find a job and who knows how long that will be. But I am thankful for all the prayers in our behalf. It is a really remarkable experience being on the receiving end of so many prayers. They really make a difference.

So I'm changing my plans... for now. I'm going to get a job instead of being a homemaker. I'm going to be seeing a reproductive endocrinologist instead of and OB/GYN. I'm going to buy a double bed and make that third bedroom in our new apartment a guest room instead of a baby's room, but only for now.

"Carry On. Things will work out. If you keep trying and praying and working, things will work out. They always do. If you want to die at an early age, dwell on the negative. Accentuate the positive and you'll be around for awhile" ~ Gordon. B Hinckley

If I want to have any children at all I better be around for a while. So it is time to turn the page and start trying again and accentuate the positive.