Mark = Amazing

I love my husband Mark more than anything in this entire world. He just makes my life worth living. I am so thankful he is my husband. No matter how bad I am feeling he puts his arms around me and makes me realize it will all be ok. I am so, so thankful to have him as my husband.
 

A Long Time in Coming

I have not posted in forever. I think it is because I have just been trying to keep my head above the water in my first year of teaching. Well I am here to say that I am surviving. In fact, I feel like I am doing better than that! I feel like I am thriving. I have miles to go as far as being a great teacher is concerned. I can already tell you a hundred things I am going to do differently next year. But I love my job. I love it. I think I definitly picked the right job and I feel so blessed to be teaching at Reidsville Middle School. I love my students. I love them.  I have a fabulously supportive administraion. The school district I work for has this year long training for first year teachers. Once a month the district pays for my substitute so I can attend a professional development seminar all day with the other first year teachers. They teach us instructional strategies and help us address concerns in our classrooms. It is wonderful training and I love taking back the ideas they give me and trying them out in my classroom. It is great to see the other first year teachers so often. I am making good friends with my colleagues. I love this job. Sometimes I feel guilty because I love it so much. Some days are definitly harder than others. I know I have had a good day if I feel like I could be a teacher forever. I know I have had a bad day when all I want to do is have a baby and stay home and never go to Reidsville again. The bad days come and go but I am happy to report that the truly bad days are becoming fewer as the year progresses. Today I got paid. Not in money. But I got paid. Here is the payment I recieved from a student today exactly as I recieved it (spelling errors included):

Dear Mrs. Bailey,
I think you are the most beautiful, talented, and the best chours teacher in history. You can have every chours job in the world because you are so good. I know when Im all grown up I will still remember you and my first year in middle school. Thank you for being so kind to me and everybody else. I think we were all lucky to have you as our teacher. I love you.
Sincerely,
Student's Name

It was all decorated with markers and Halloween pictures. Wow. What a treasure. It is hanging on my fridge. I am going to keep it forever. What a sweet note. It made my day... month... year! And when those bad days come I am just going to keep reading it over and over. I love my job.

I Quit

I just feel like saying "I Quit!" today. Nothing is working out. I hate spending hours on my work. It is never ending. I have to have my music ordered by Friday. I was all ready to go and I just lost my entire order online. I am so frustrated I am physically ill. The doctor's office I was trying to meet with canceled on me twice. TWICE. I missed an entire day of work for them and they called me 30 minutes before my appointment and canceled. I am not going there again. AHHHHHHH! I am just so angry and frustrated. Why can't my body just work right? Why can't I plan my family like the other 85% of the population? Why does my 13 year old student have a baby of her own and I can't?  Why do my 8th grade students have to be so frustrating on a daily basis? I am at wits end with one of my classes. I just do not know what to do with them. I do not like them so I have no motivation to try and make their class fun and exciting. I just wish they would leave. I wish I had no students in that class. I wish I was part time and did not have that class at all! It is like they only respond to me when I am angry with them. I think it is probably (and sadly) because that is all they are used to responding to. Some days I even feel like I hate them. Did I pick the right job? I can always tell if it is has been a good day or a bad day if at the end of it I want to be a teacher forever or I want to have a baby tomorrow and never see Reidsville again.

Lemons

"The story of Joseph, the son of Jacob who was called Israel, is a vivid representation of the great truth that “all things work together for good to [those] who” love God. (See Rom. 8:28.) Joseph always seemed to do the right thing; but still, more importantly, he did it for the right reason. And how very, very significant that is! Joseph was sold by his own brothers as a slave and was purchased by Potiphar, a captain of the guard of Pharaoh. But even as an indentured servant, Joseph turned every experience and all circumstances, no matter how trying, into something good.

This ability to turn everything into something good appears to be a godly characteristic. Our Heavenly Father always seems able to do this. Everything, no matter how dire, becomes a victory to the Lord. Joseph, although a slave and wholly undeserving of this fate, nevertheless remained faithful to the Lord and continued to live the commandments and made something very good of his degrading circumstances. People like this cannot be defeated, because they will not give up. They have the correct, positive attitude, and Dale Carnegie’s expression seems to apply: If you feel you have a lemon, you can either complain about how sour it is, or you can make a lemonade. It is all up to you."

Hartman Rector, Jr. "Live Above the Law to be Free." Ensign, 1973

Have you ever Googled the word lemon and looked at the pictures? Here are a few:

Lemonade

Why I feel anxious:

1. Embarrassed about my behavior at the Condon's
2. Scared for school to start
3. Missing home
4. Feeling embarrassed about embarrassing Mark
5. Feeling like I won't be good friends with the Condon's
6. Wondering how I will get everything done for school
7. Disappointed with my weight
8. Embarrassed about credit card problems
9. I am sleepy
10. Infertility

I thought writing it down would help some. I think it did help just a little bit. I guess maybe I am just feeling a little bit lonely for a good couple that we can be friends with. Mark and I get along so well but it is sometimes hard to find a couple that we get along equally well with. Am I too overbearing in my friendships? Am I socially awkward? It feels funny to be writing this as these were the same concerns I had when I was 13. I read my old middle school journal today. I think I am just over thinking things a bit. It matters most what God thinks of me. Then my husband. I am a good person. I have a good career ahead of me. I am feeling particularly sad about my infertility today. I am also feeling conflicted. I think I am feeling my infertility keenly today because I am about to start my job in earnest when my students arrive. I would not have to be doing this if I were still having my baby. I hid all my pregnant facebook friends but I still can't stop thinking about it today. Sad day for me. I am feeling conflicted because I want to get pregnant so badly but I also want to keep teaching for a long time. Now that I am starting my career I don't think I'll want to stop. But. I want to be a mother. But I don't know when that will happen. And I feel badly about it. I just want to be a mother. But I think I will love being a teacher. Teachers matter. I am going to try and matter to my students. I think I am really going to love them. That might be all the parenting I get to do. Goodness. Even after all this writing I still feel really anxious. Now what? I think I am going to try and read my scriptures and then go to bed. Sometimes that helps too.

Homesick

I have been really homesick here in North Carolina. I have anxiety. I am sad. My heart just aches to go back to the wide west with its big mountains, bigger skies, and lots and lots of exposed rock. I miss BYU. I miss my family. I miss my friends. I miss seeing a temple every single day.

I have been thinking a lot about my pioneer ancestors who made a trek opposite to my own. I wonder what it was like for them.

Were they like my dad? My dad left the east to settle in the west and he never looked back. He loved living in the west and always extolled its virtues. He told me I could choose to be happy no matter where I lived.

Or were they like me? Anxious. Scared. Uncomfortable. Wishing they were back in familiar territory...

There are so many things I have to adjust to. The most difficult thing by far has been the climate. That was a surprise to me. I did not think it would take that much adjustment. I do not like bugs. I feel like my kitchen is a war zone: me vs. the cockroaches. I think I am winning. I do not like humidity. I do not like all the trees everywhere. There are just lots of things to adjust to.

I love my ward family. They are the people who are making this transition possible for me. I can't complain about them in any way, shape or form. They are loving and kind and have opened their hearts and arms to us. When I leave this place I know I will miss them terribly.

I love the gospel. That is the same no matter where I am. The words of the Book of Mormon, Bible, Doctrine and Covenants, and Pearl of Great Price do not change no matter how far away I am from home. God's awareness and love for me do not change no matter how far away I am from home.

Now that I have all of that out in the open I think I need to try harder to focus on the positive. I try not to think about how homesick I am but sometimes I just can't help it. But I am going to try to help it. Because this is home for me now and it is time to start making it feel that way.