An answer to prayer

Discouraged

Today I'm feeling discouraged. I am job hunting. It is hard. I contacted a school about a job and they sent me back a really nasty e-mail. It just made me want to crawl into a hole. Why even try? I have a million things left to do and now I just don't feel like doing them. It seems like my trial in life right now is discouragement. Every time I start to feel a little better something else is hiding just around the corner. When will it stop?

Hope

And to all who suffer—to all who feel discouraged, worried, or lonely—I say with love and deep concern for you, never give in.

Never surrender.

Never allow despair to overcome your spirit.

Embrace and rely upon the Hope of Israel, for the love of the Son of God pierces all darkness, softens all sorrow, and gladdens every heart.

Dieter F. Uchtdorf

I'll Cry if I Want To

This has been a hard week. A harder week in fact than last week even was. Now that it is all over I just feel empty and depressed. I have cried every single day. I can't find a job in North Carolina. My biggest fear is just that I'll be stuck at home for a few months trying to find a job and thinking about how far along I should be. I hate this. I hate that I have to wait for this. I am not feeling faithful. I am not feeling patient. I am feeling forgotten and barren and hopeless. I am not feeling brave. I am feeling scared. It was the worst Mother's Day ever. Health insurance costs a fortune. Infertility costs a fortune. We might have to wait until Mark is done with medical school or even residency. I don't want to wait that long. I don't want to wait at all. But I have to wait. I debated about whether or not to put this on a blog because it is not positive or uplifting. But it is my blog and I'll cry if I want to. And maybe it is good for people to know how painful and heartbreaking infertility is.

Moving On

Why is moving on so hard? Why is it so difficult to change my plans for the future?

Up all Night

It is approximately 4:30 AM. I have been up since 1:00 AM. I woke up in bed with severe cramping. Not a shock since I have known about the impending pain associated with the miscarriage I am having. I started bleeding without pain almost a week ago, went to the doctor, found out the baby had died, and have been crying about the emotional pain all week. Tonight the physical pain started. If I ever get pregnant again and I carry the baby to term I am definitely getting an epidural for delivery. I came into the living room so I wouldn't disturb Mark and watched The Labyrinth as my cramping intensified. I love that movie and haven't seen it in years. The Condies gave Mark and me a one month free trial for Netflix today. Not a moment too soon. It kept my mind off the pain. Then I started passing the tissue that was my baby. And I cried and cried. Because my heart hurt. And my body hurt. I didn't want to flush the toilet. But I had to. A watery grave for my little one. I wonder when the spirit enters the body? Will I get to meet this one or is this experience to give me patience, empathy and faith? I guess I'll have to wait until I get to heaven to know that. So whether or not I get to meet this little baby, goodbye for now. Thank you for the happiness and hope you gave to me. I love you.

Changing my plans... for now

Mark and I finally got pregnant. We have been trying since we got married over two and half years ago. That doesn't seem that long but sometimes it felt long. I always tried to keep it in perspective. I would say the following to myself: I am still really young; God has a plan for our family; My children won't come one second before they are supposed be here. I tried (and mostly succeeded!) not to be jealous of those women who would announce their pregnancy during the good news minute at church one month after they got married. It happens a lot in a BYU married student ward. During that time I would say to myself "Amanda, someday you'll be able to do that too, just not right now." I did not waste my time in being jealous. Children are not a commodity. It is not like if God blesses so-and-so with children that means there are fewer children for me to have. It is not like that at all. I thought I would have to wait a few more years before I could get pregnant. I never wanted to get my hopes up but I didn't forget them either. I was always hoping. So when my doctor had me take a pregnancy test that came back positive I was in shock. I thought it was perfect timing. Mark is going to medical school, I just graduated, and we are moving across the country. Mark and I started choosing names if it was a boy or a girl. We started looking at baby stuff. We started dreaming of what it would be like to be parents and what it would be like for Mark to have a family while he was in medical school. We were so happy. There was always a little nagging fear about miscarriage but I never paid any attention to it. I would say to myself "Well, don't mourn a loss that hasn't happened yet." And I'm glad we dreamed. And I'm glad I didn't mourn. And I'm glad I was pregnant at all, even if it was just for a couple of months. But now I'm mourning. And Mark is mourning too. And it is really hard. I lost the pregnancy at ten weeks. I feel like a great big piece of myself is missing and now the space where my dream about impending motherhood was just aches and aches. Mark is sadder than I have ever seen him and it breaks my heart. Because of my problems with infertility we don't know how soon we'll be able to get pregnant again. Sometimes I just don't like my body. Why doesn't it work right? I guess I'll have to wait until I meet my Heavenly Father before that gets answered. I am sure it is because I have something to learn. I wish I could just learn it and get it over with and start my family. But God's timing is perfect. This just is not a good time for us to have children I guess. It is too late for me to see any doctors here and we won't be able to afford to see any doctors in North Carolina until I find a job and who knows how long that will be. But I am thankful for all the prayers in our behalf. It is a really remarkable experience being on the receiving end of so many prayers. They really make a difference.

So I'm changing my plans... for now. I'm going to get a job instead of being a homemaker. I'm going to be seeing a reproductive endocrinologist instead of and OB/GYN. I'm going to buy a double bed and make that third bedroom in our new apartment a guest room instead of a baby's room, but only for now.

"Carry On. Things will work out. If you keep trying and praying and working, things will work out. They always do. If you want to die at an early age, dwell on the negative. Accentuate the positive and you'll be around for awhile" ~ Gordon. B Hinckley

If I want to have any children at all I better be around for a while. So it is time to turn the page and start trying again and accentuate the positive.